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Happy Hour: Equanimity Practice with "It's Ok"

Introduction

Hello, and welcome everyone to Happy Hour. I am happy to see you.

For tonight's guided meditation, I'd like to invite us to explore the marriage of metta^[1] (or love) with wisdom. Love plus wisdom equals equanimity. Equanimity is a practice where the Brahma Viharas^[2]—the cultivations of the heart: kindness, compassion, and joy for others—meet wisdom. In fact, all the Brahma Viharas need the factor of wisdom to be balanced and not to veer into extremes. For example, compassion needs wisdom not to become just agony and pain, just feeling the pain of others without a sense of balance. Or, wisdom is needed so that metta doesn't become attachment or grasping: "Oh, I'm going to wish you well so that you're going to really be well. Okay, are you well yet? I've been wishing you well for five minutes." Or the attachment of, "I'm going to love you, so you love me." Wisdom supports the balance of all these practices of the heart.

Really, equanimity is the fourth Brahma Vihara. Just as a review, the four of them, as you already know, are the four practices of the heart. The first one is metta (loving-kindness), the second one is compassion (karuṇā)^[3], the third one is sympathetic joy (the happiness of others), and the fourth one is equanimity. Equanimity is where wisdom—this sense of clarity, neither falling into attachment nor pushing away with aversion—becomes equipoise. Equanimity is where the wisdom of being with things as they are comes to full fruition with care, with metta.

If equanimity didn't have care in it, it would become aloofness. It would become like, "Oh yeah, things are as they are, whatever, I don't even care." But that's not equanimity; that's aloofness. Sometimes we can confuse it—many of us actually do confuse aloofness for equanimity. Like, "Oh yeah, I'm just being equanimous^[4], whatever," which can also be a spiritual bypass. Watch out for that in your practice. True equanimity makes space for things as they are.

If there are questions that have come up, it's okay. Please sit with the questions. As you all know, we'll have time for reflections and questions later, but I think that's enough for setting the stage for what I want to say. Let's just practice together. I'll have invitations for us to explore the space together.

Guided Meditation

Let us begin. Let us land in our bodies. If you need to move at this point, either move your body so that you find a comfortable position, rolling your shoulders back, or maybe move from your chair to your cushion. Really taking care of the body. What does the body need right now to sit comfortably with a sense of brightness? Or if you're lying down, with a sense of integrity. You could be standing up too, not a problem. See if that is what your body needs.

Ah, and softening, relaxing, letting go. Letting go of the shoulders. Letting go of the holding, the tightness in your back. Tightness in your forehead, in your jaw. Tightness in your chest. Tightness in your abdomen. Any tension in the sit bones and the legs. Feeling grounded, connected to the earth with your feet, your sit bones.

And releasing. Releasing thoughts, all that has come before. So much has happened today already, or might be happening later today. Letting go of the planning mind, the remembering mind. No problem, they are helpful, but not right now. Not right now, thank you, not right now.

Not now, not now.

Not now, not now, not now.

And let the breath move through the body. Let attention, let awareness connect with the breath. The entirety of the breath. The entirety of the in-breath and the out-breath. Let each breath empty you. Empty, empty, empty.

Not with force, not fighting content, but with your devotion. With your devotion to loving the breath, just this breath. Loving it. Notice devotion to this breath can empty you without you trying to empty it. It just happens through loving, feeling devoted to this breath. This in-breath, this out-breath.

Letting go, letting go lovingly. Thank you, not now. I'm giving my heart to this practice right now. I'm giving my complete heart, my devotion, to just being present in this moment with this breath.

Can you imagine that each breath is calming you? It's this elixir that is calming and settling you. Maybe with each breath there is more space in your heart. Space in your body. As if your body were a fluffy cloud, with each breath feeling more space. Space molecules. In your heart, in your body, in your mind, and in all of your body. Upper body, lower body too. Feeling lighter, more porous.

Breaths in, breaths out, don't need to be effortful. Let them happen on their own.

When thoughts arise, let them be light like a helium balloon. Can they float away right now? Without a trace, only lightness, space remaining.

And maybe with this breath, and with each breath, maybe there is a whisper: "It's okay, it's okay." A sense of expansiveness of "it's okay." Whatever there is here, or there isn't, it's okay. The wisdom of "it's okay." A perspective that's wise and wide as the whole sky. Spacious. It can hold everything spaciously: the body, the mind, and the heart.

It's okay. It doesn't push away. It doesn't turn away with aversion. It's not scared. It's not intimidating, but it's so spacious. "Yeah, this too. This too. Yes, this too." It's okay, it's okay.

When thoughts arise, it's okay. Let them be a light helium balloon floating in this vast sky. The vast, kind sky of the heart, of the mind. Let there be kindness. A sense of presence with everything that arises and passes.

The wisdom of spaciousness. A wise, wide perspective. Grander, grander than our usual limited vision that can get fixated, tight, unbalanced, unmoored. There is so much more that our vision, our perspective can hold.

With each breath, it's okay, it's okay. It's okay, it's okay.

And notice, "it's okay" is kind. It's not aloof^[5]; it's kind. In the same way that maybe if a child is upset, the parent, the caretaker, has a wise and wide perspective that this is not the end of the world. "It's okay, it's really okay." And yet caring, so caring. "It's okay, it's okay." Wide and warm.

Whatever is arising—whether a thought, sadness, emotions, something in the body—it's okay. Stay with it with kindness. The wise perspective.

Even if something comes up that you don't like, can you hold the not-liking, the aversion, with equanimity? The aversion can be the child that is upset: "I don't want to." And you have equanimity, spaciousness with the aversion, with the resistance. Let it be held wisely, widely, with care. Not believing it, falling into it, not resisting it, not adding more aversion to aversion. It's okay.

A simple equanimity: "Oh, it's okay."

Whatever arises, can it be okay? And if it's boredom, can you meet it in this wide sky of the heart, of the mind? "It's okay to be bored. It's alright, it's okay." Not to be bothered by it. Simply aware, simply knowing, with care. "It's okay, it's all okay."

And "it's okay" is not an applied okay-hammer to make something go away. It's not "it's okay" to make it disappear. No, it's to make more space. With equipoise, it can be just as it is. Just as it is. By making space to be with what arises just as it is, we cultivate more strength in our heart, more courage, more stability, more care. Not turning away, distracting ourselves.

As we bring this sitting to a close, hold with equanimity, with spaciousness. Mind like the sky, heart like the sky. Expansive, spacious. For whatever arose, or did not arise, in this practice period, it's okay. We've done our best, we've showed up. Trusting that we're planting seeds of stability, of care, with every moment of staying and turning towards.

May all beings everywhere, including ourselves, have the wisdom, spaciousness, and care of equanimity in their lives to support them. The jewel of equanimity. May all beings everywhere, including ourselves, be free.

Q&A and Reflections

Thanks everyone. Thanks for your practice. Ah, well, I feel more equanimous. I don't know about you, but I feel more calm, peaceful, and spacious. We have a few minutes, and you're welcome to raise your Zoom hand. If it's your physical hand, I won't see you since there are many of us. Does anyone want to share a report from the field of practice, of what arose for you? Michelle, I think you're one of the only people I do see in the small strip, and I do see your hand. So please.

Michelle: Yeah, I was feeling a lot of fear about an issue in my life. To hold that with care and compassion is just saying, "Oh, it's okay. It's okay to feel this. I'm making space for this." My question is, I'm not clear on how to hold an intense emotion with care.

Nikki: Yeah, that's a very good question. I'm going to borrow a page from Gil's book^[6] for a moment, because what he likes to say—and I love the saying, the way he puts it—he often says, "Let your fear feel safe. Let your fear feel safe."

The idea is similar here. When we have a strong emotion—you brought up fear, so let's talk about fear, though it could be any other emotion. When it arises, there is a sense of feeling seized up. It's all there is. The entire field of knowing becomes contracted. That's all there is. It's not that the fear is so great; it's that our space of knowing has contracted. That's all we get to know. It's like, "Oh my God, this is so overwhelming. What's going to happen? What am I going to do?" That's all we perceive, especially with fear and with other emotions.

Instead, with this practice, what I was pointing to is to first open up. Have a sense of spaciousness in the field of knowing. "Oh yeah, the breath. Oh yeah." First you stabilize. You expand the field of knowing, and then, "Oh yes, there is fear." The fear is coming up, but fear is, in a way, cut down to size. It doesn't capture everything. "Oh yeah, in my life there's also joy, there's also care, there's also love, there's also gratitude." There are all these things. "Oh yeah, and fear is there too. Okay, alright fear, there's a lot of space to hold you. And I'm not going to push you away because it's okay, you can be here. Yeah, it's alright. Gratitude can be here, fear can be here too."

That sense of care, that sense of spaciousness and care, changes our relationship to fear. Fear might still be there; it may go away, it may not. But we're not doing this practice to make the fear go away. That is really important. We're not doing this practice to make the fear or anything else go away. It's a shift in perspective. The fear can still be there, but it doesn't scare you anymore. It becomes really interesting. Does that make sense, Michelle, what I'm talking about?

Michelle: Yes, I see. That was very clear and helpful. Thank you so much.

Nikki: You're so welcome. Thank you. Any other questions, reflections of what came up for you? Sarah.

Sarah: Hi everyone. Hi Sangha^[7]. I've been dwelling on this question for a couple of days. I'm a first-year teacher this year within a middle school, and I have been noticing some very immense gaps between who I think I am with my loving-kindness practice out in the world, and then in the classroom when I lose my patience and get upset. I do things that I look back on and I'm like, "How could I have done that? That's not me at all." I'm struggling with this perceived gap of the heart that I know that I have when I sit and am not in stressful situations, and then when I am in these very new situations. I was wondering if you could comment on that a little bit, those gaps in being out in the world and this perceived self that I have.

Nikki: Yeah. Thank you, Sarah. Thank you so much for that question and the vulnerability of it, because it's not just you. This is the human condition, right? This is us. We have this beautiful intention of kindness and goodness, and when you're in a very stressful situation—and being a first-year teacher, I can only imagine how difficult the situation must be with youngsters.

So, various invitations here. First, when there's a sense of, "Wow, how could I do that? Oh my goodness, I raised my voice," do not self-flagellate. That is not helpful. Instead, "Oh sweetheart, you must have been really stressed. Okay, yeah, this was hard. This was really hard for you." Because if you self-flagellate, if you kick yourself, acknowledging that gap becomes harder, and doing something to support it becomes harder. But with self-compassion, you actually take more responsibility, just as you have, because there is a sense of care. Like, "Oh yeah, this is hard. My goodness, that was a hard day. I was hungry, my blood sugar was low, that kid was screaming, and the other one was [unintelligible]. Oh sweetheart, that was really hard. Okay, well, it's good that you didn't scream twice, you just screamed once." Starting there.

And then, it might be after the fact, when you think about the day, that you hold yourself with a lot of kindness and forgiveness. "Okay sweetheart, yeah, I have this intention, and yeah, this is what happened. It's okay. It's alright, I'm doing my best. If it could have been any different, it would have been. I'm learning." Settled. That's number one, and it's huge. It's really huge to set that container of self-compassion first.

Number two. Think, "What happened?" Again, with self-compassion. "Alright, what was going on? Was I hungry? Was I stressed?" Try to get a sense of, "Oh, these are the situations that really press my buttons." So what can I do? Then when the situation arises, maybe you recognize it. At first, maybe you recognize it after two hours. Then you recognize it after one hour, then 30 minutes, then five minutes. Then, at some point, you'll recognize it while it's happening. "Well, here it is, my buttons are being pushed."

Also, practice mindfulness of the body. That's another thing that you need to strengthen with your practice. Really be aware, so that before you get to that boiling point, there's a sense of, "Okay, I'm going over the edge. I know what the signals are. My heart starts to race, and my palms start to sweat," or whatever it is for you. You get to know it before it happens. Like, "Alright, this is time to say time out. Put your heads down for a time-out," or whatever it is. "I need time out."

It can happen little by little, but it'll take time. And you're not bad, you're not wrong. It's just a stressful situation, you're learning, and you'll come through more compassionate and kinder on the other side. Thanks so much for the question.

Breakout Groups and Conclusion

So the time has come for us to turn our attention to practicing together—care with kindness, with equanimity—in small breakout groups of roughly three. The invitation is to share maybe just one nugget about what supports you to have equanimity, and what actually challenges you to have equanimity. Inspired by the question that Sarah brought in, what supports you and what challenges you? Maybe go around once and talk about what challenges you first, and then go around one more time and talk about what supports you. Each person will just say one nugget, and you'll go around and round a few times hopefully.

I am going to create the rooms. Hold on one second, having trouble. Okay, rooms are created. Take care of each other, take care of yourselves, and here we go.

[Breakout sessions]

Okay, the rooms are closed, everybody's back. We don't really have any time unless there is a burning reflection or question to just squeeze in very quickly at the end. Somebody typed a question—Jerry, I'll stay and answer afterwards.

Let's close. Thank you all for your practice, for showing up, for cultivating kindness, wisdom, and equanimity for all beings everywhere. May all beings be happy, may all beings be free, including ourselves. Thanks everyone. Take good care.