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Happy Hour: Equanimity with Entanglement

Hello everyone, and welcome to Happy Hour. Hi. I'm Nikki, and I'm in Mountain View, California, once seated Ohlone land. The weather is actually sunny. It was rainy before, but it turned out sunny and cool—a crisp spring day. Who's here who wants to say hi?

Neil from New Hampshire. Hi Neil, how's the weather out there? We have 60s for the first time today. Wow, warmer than California. It wasn't three weeks ago, though. Welcome, Bill from Dallas. Welcome, Murray. Marie Christine from down under, who says warm, humid, and stuffy in Sydney. Summer in Sydney. Sweet. Welcome. Who else wants to say hi?

Linda from Utah, where it's been snowing all afternoon. Wow, cool. Marie Christine would probably like to trade places with me, if she's nodding yes wildly. I love it. [Laughter] Send you my background. [Laughter] Yes, Neil sends you his wonderful snowy background. Yeah, humidity is challenging. It's a killer, says Marie Christine.

So let's get started. Why not? Let's get started together. Whether it's cold or hot wherever you are, whatever the time zone, let's get into the field of practice together. It's a time when I change the settings so unmuting will go away. Great, I waited for Neil just long enough to post information about Happy Hour Google Groups before I changed the settings, so the chats will just come to me if there's anything urgent. This way there's some more quiet and silence during the practice session and no accidental unmuting. Welcome everyone. Welcome to Happy Hour.

For today's practice, we're continuing to expand in the ever-expanding circles of equanimity. Practicing with upekkhā^[1], the fourth brahmavihāra^[2]. As many of you commented yesterday, it's a more nuanced practice. More nuanced than mettā^[3] or compassion or sympathetic joy. Equanimity is the sense of equipoise. Caring, staying connected to the being that we practice equanimity with, and yet with a sense of spaciousness, a bird's-eye view of all the causes and conditions that have contributed to what is arising. A sense of peace and ease, holding whatever is happening in their life, or in our life, depending on whom we're practicing with.

We've worked our way through the concentric circles, and for today's practice, we have found our way to the category of someone we have some challenge with. Practicing equanimity with someone we have some challenge with. This is an interesting practice, and we might find ourselves surprised as to what may arise.

The idea here is to establish a sense of connection. First, during the guided meditation, we'll spend about 10 minutes just settling in the body with the breath as we usually do. Then, after we till the soil of awareness, settling and calming the mind, we open up to this being with whom we have some entanglement. Feeling into the humanity of this person. Connecting with how they too want to be happy just like me; they're not so different. And then holding them with equanimity, whatever is arising in their life. For this variation, we'll also work with equanimity for this entanglement that we have between the two of us, which is another way that equanimity practice can work with the person we have challenges with. There are so many different possibilities, but this is what we'll try and see what happens. Ready? Shall we try it? Yes, let's.

Reflections and Q&A

Thanks, everyone. Thank you for your practice. So, I'm changing the settings. If you'd like to chat with your reflections, questions, or what you noticed, you can either send them to everyone, in which case I'll read out your name, or you can just send them to me, in which case I won't say your name but I will read the question or reflection. You can also raise your hand to share your reflections. What came up for you? What did you notice? What was this like for you? This practice of equanimity with the person we have some entanglement with.

Something that I notice sometimes with the practice of equanimity: sometimes there can be a lot of quiet and silence. There's no desire to even talk because the heart can feel settled and peaceful. A kind of equanimity like, Ah, I don't have to say that. I've noticed that in myself. I have to say that it's interesting how equanimity kind of gets into the space of our thoughts.

Marie Christine says, "The person I have a major entanglement with kept popping up, so it was really hard for me." Yeah, it can be, even though, of course, the invitation is to start where it's easier and not a major entanglement but with a minor one. But of course, the major one can come up. And I do wonder, Marie Christine, as challenging as it was, whether actually that is the edge of your practice. Can I have equanimity? Can I hold this with peace? Can I hold the comings and goings of this entanglement with just spaciousness? Things are like this right now. It is what it is. Oh yeah, thanks for adding that it felt so weepy. Do you want to say more? Is it okay? You don't have to, but if you want to say more about the challenge, you're welcome to. And if not, it's okay too. But yeah, it can be challenging.

[Marie Christine]: "It was difficult because I was trying to focus on the person with a very small entanglement, but the other one came popping up. And unfortunately, as the other one kept popping up, the pain and the hurt kept coming up. It was a real struggle, and it made me feel at one point like I'm going to switch everything off and start crying. I thought, no, no, keep with the practice. It brought up a lot of emotional hurt from the major entanglement. I was trying to focus on the one that was really easy, but it triggered the other one and I wasn't able to contain it."

Yeah, thank you for sharing that. In that case, it becomes a practice of compassion for yourself, self-compassion. Oh sweetie, this is hard right now. This is hard. And it's okay. It's never too late, Marie Christine. I'm so glad you're bringing this up both for yourself and for others, because whenever hurt or challenge comes up, please feel free to turn the practice to taking care of your own heart with kindness and compassion. And then, if there is enough stability, then you can turn back to whatever the guidance is, or stay with self-compassion for the entire practice if this is what's called for. Let it be. That's what's needed, because it sounds like there's a lot of hurt in this entanglement, so maybe that's what's called for, to practice with self-compassion right now. Thank you, Marie Christine, for your pearls of wisdom, for being here, practicing, and sharing. Thank you.

Do we have time for one more share? We do, please.

[Dorothy]: "Hi, my name is Dorothy, and this is the first time I've shared at a group level. But I wanted to say thank you so much for the reminder that the person that comes to our mind, their actions are really the cause and effect of how their life stands out, and it's not our wishes for them. Because I have a very, very dear friend that I have a wonderful relationship with, but there are some entanglements. There are some wishes I have for him, just even a basic thing like he's in the age range to get the shot right now but he chooses not to, and much bigger and deeper things that I wish for him. But my wishes really have no effect on his life because it's his own choices. So I want to just thank you so much for the reminder of that."

Yeah, thank you so much, Dorothy, for bringing this up and sharing in community, and really fleshing out how important this reminder is, this teaching of equanimity. That is the traditional phrase that I offered. How important that is that yes, people's happiness and their unhappiness is dependent on their actions and what they choose—their karma^[4]. That's the same word, really. It's their actions in the world, and no matter how much we wish for them to be well, it's part of bigger causes and conditions. So we can still care for them, we can still hold them with care and dearness, and not take it on as our responsibility. It allows us to stay in relationship with them with care, without toppling into it or meddling, letting them have the space they need on their journey. So thank you so much, Dorothy. Thank you.

Great. We do have time for maybe one more reflection if anyone has any before we turn into group practice. Nicholas, please.

[Nicholas]: "Yeah, there is a sense of heaviness, maybe kind of some guilt or I should have done something differently, considering the small entanglement. It's just interesting that the impulse is to try to lighten the load, but with equanimity, there's a sense of having a more solid foundation that can carry the load underneath it instead."

Nice, beautiful. Well said. Equanimity really providing this stability where this load can be carried without it needing to be lightened up or analyzed. It's like, oh, it can be carried, it can be just as it was in this moment and be held. Beautiful. Thank you, Nicholas. I really appreciate your reflection.

Small Group Practice

Great. So dear ones, let's turn our hearts to each other and take this practice into small containers of small sangha^[5], small group practice.

The invitation is for the first 30 seconds to share mettā, just kindness, for the other people in the group in silence. May you be well. Fellow human being, just like me, you have entanglements and you suffer. We all do. Feeling that mettā for you.

And then share as little or as much as you wish about your practice and support each other respectfully. What I mean by support is not to give each other advice. That's not what I mean at all. You support each other by sharing from your own first-person experience. When you share, this is what happened for me, that is the way you show up and you support each other.

When you just listen without judgment, without trying to fix it or make it better for them, but you just listen, you offer your ear with equanimity and care. Then you're supporting each other. Showing up with mettā, showing up with equanimity for each other is a profound practice. Really profound practice. Not trying to meddle, but just listening. That is the practice of equanimity. So I'm inviting you to practice equanimity for each other relationally with care. Just listening. Not trying to fix it, not turning away by jumping in with advice, just listening with care.

And as you'll see, this is a profound practice. It might push your edge. You may want to offer something if the person says they were hurt, but stay on the edge and see if you can just hold it with equanimity. And then you can take it to your friends and relatives and just offer care without getting entangled into what's happening for them. So let us practice in this profound way together. I'll create the rooms, and they are open now.

Closing Reflections

Hi everyone, welcome back. So, how was that? What did you notice? I'd love to hear your reflections on this way of practicing. Holding space with equanimity, and experiencing with equanimity and care, space being held for you.

Emily says, "It's always amazing to me how much connection can happen in five minutes." Yeah, thanks Emily. I see nods and hearts.

Bill says, "Talking to others seems to be its own type of therapy for me." [Laughter] Yeah, there's nothing like practicing in sangha. It's so powerful. So powerful that in Buddhism, it's one of the Three Jewels. The third jewel is sangha, community. So profound, so important.

Pelosi says, "Very grateful for this community."

Susan says, "Mammals need to connect. I had an embodied moment where I realized any glimpse of equanimity precedes my having let go of something." Ah, nice. Thank you, Susan. Thank you for sharing that insight. Beautiful. A glimpse of equanimity precedes letting go of something. And I also wonder whether it can happen the other way around too, whether equanimity can precede letting go of something. So I bring that up as an inquiry. Happening both ways.

So dear ones, we have come to the end of the hour of practice together. Always grateful, so grateful for you showing up, for practicing for your own sake, for the sake of all the beings whose lives yours touches. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including ourselves. And thank you again so much for being here and practicing.

Thank you, and may you all be well in every way.