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Happy Hour: Offering Autonomy to Those We Care About

Hello, and welcome to this edition of Happy Hour, everyone.

For today's practice, I'd like to invite us to consider this practice of granting others autonomy. Granting others their autonomy in our hearts and our minds with a sense of goodwill for them. I think one way to think of this practice is the practice of... but maybe tonight I'd like to invite us to lean into it as, you know, you care for someone—a friend, a relative, maybe a child. This comes up a lot for adult children especially, when they're all grown up and yet you care for them so much. It can also come up with parents. When we grow up and we want to care for our parents, there's such a sense of care and love and metta^[1]. And oh, we just wish it would be different, right, for them? We just wish, gosh, they would make different decisions, or if it wasn't so hard at this point. We somehow want to make it all better, make it go away, make the pain go away, make the difficulty go away. And we really want that. We care for this friend, for this child, for this parent, for this other being. But this other being could also be a pet, could be a four-legged friend or an animal. So we want so much to make it all go away, and yet we know that by really wanting to make it all better, it doesn't work for them. It doesn't work for us. We can step on their toes. They might feel belittled, as if they don't have a sense of autonomy.

And so how to manage? How to manage holding with a sense of care and love, not with aloofness, not with, "Oh okay, I'll just turn away and not look at all," but with a sense of care, and yet respecting their autonomy? That every being, all beings have their own journeys. And their lives unfold, our lives, all of our lives unfold according to causes and conditions that have been set in motion long before we arrived, with our genes, with our experiences. And of course, the decisions that we make are part of those causes and conditions, but not the entire picture.

So this is an invitation to practice. Engage with this practice in the way of continuing to love and care for this being, and also honor, appreciate their path that they need to go through, as it needs to unfold for them to perhaps learn the lessons they need to learn through the challenge, through the difficulty, through the dukkha^[2], through the suffering that might be presenting itself at this moment. And continue to care, continue to care.

So with that as the frame, I would like to invite us to engage in this practice.

Guided Meditation

Let us begin. Let us settle, as always, into our bodies. To this moment, arriving. First arriving, arriving, arriving, letting go of all the words. Becoming tuned, sensitive to what is here right now. Relaxing, softening the body to become more aware, more present, more attuned to what's here. With the breath, with the sensations of the body, here and now.

Letting the breath be received in the abdomen. Sensations of the breath. Lowering the center of gravity from the head to the abdomen.

Letting go, letting go of thoughts as they come up. Let go of thinking. Thank you, thank you, it's not needed right now. Please come back later.

Leaning into the sense of being present, aware, here. The body and the breath. Here, just here. Deliciously just here, now.

Receiving the breath, received in the abdomen. Just connecting. Connecting as if it's a cleansing. As if it's a cleansing of the heart, the mind, the body. To connect with each in-breath and each out-breath, purifying, refreshing. Noticing the sense of well-being with each and every breath. As much well-being as there may be. Maybe a tiny bit, or might be found and received.

And now bringing to mind, if you want, bringing to mind, inviting to your heart space a being whom you care about, an object of your affection. Perhaps they are going through a challenging time, or there are some challenges in their lives, and part of you wishes you could make it all go away. Bringing that being into your mind, into your heart space, and first appreciating with gratitude the goodness, the friendship you've had, a relationship you've had. Just the goodness that this person has brought into your life, or this being could be a pet. Just taking time first to appreciate your connection, the goodness of it. Choosing to focus on the good. Of course, relationships are always a mixed bag. Choosing to focus on the good in this moment. Bring forth the goodness.

Appreciating their good qualities. Appreciating the sense of care, goodwill, kindness, warmth you have for them. However it shows up for you. Maybe it's love. However it shows up for you, tuning into this goodness, this care, this metta for them. This feeling coming forth from a sense of appreciation for them.

And now allow this sense of care, this metta, to meet the challenge they're going through in their life right now. Allowing metta, this care, to be expressed as compassion. When goodwill meets pain, suffering, it becomes compassion. Oh dear one, may you be free. May you be free from what is challenging right now. I wish you well. I wish you ease. I care. I care for your pain. I care for your sorrow. I care for your sadness, disappointment. May you hold your suffering with ease.

Allowing compassion to arise from metta, which itself arose from appreciation. I hold you with care, may you have ease. May you have well-being, yes, in the midst of this challenge.

And now allowing the practice of compassion, karuṇā^[3], to transition to the practice of equanimity, upekkhā^[4].

Bringing to heart, letting the heart still be warm with care, and appreciating that this being... appreciating that the unfolding of their life right now is happening according to causes and conditions which you may or may not understand. Which actually you may not, we do not understand all the causes and conditions. The Buddha said that's one of the imponderables. If you try to understand all the causes and conditions, your head will explode. So keeping this person, this being in mind with care. I care for you. I care for you and I cannot take away all the suffering.

May I accept and see that all beings have their own journey. All beings, all beings have their own journey. I care for you, I care for you, but I'm not in control of your happiness and unhappiness. I wish you happiness. I wish you well, but I have not been able to, and I cannot, make your choices for you. I wish you well, I care for you. Whether or not I understand it, whether I understand it or not, things are unfolding according to a lawful nature, according to causes and conditions.

I care for you and I offer you autonomy. I gift you in my heart, I gift you a sense of autonomy to grow, to learn, to have your own journey. And I continue to hold you with care. May I accept that things are as they are for you right now. Continue to care there and accept things as they are.

Any of these phrases or nuances that work for you, you're welcome to use.

I care for you, but I cannot make your choices for you. I care for you and I offer you autonomy on your journey, on this human journey that we're both on. I care for you and in my heart I offer you autonomy for the journey you're on. I care for you and I respect that all beings have their own journey.

For the last moments of this practice period, feeling into our care, our metta for this being. A sense of spaciousness. It's not a contracted care, it's a spacious care. They're happy or they're sad, we care. This care is so spacious, it's enough space to hold the conditions of their life, present, unmoving, stable, equanimous, radiating care. A sense of spaciousness in our heart, stability in our heart, body, and mind, so we can be more available to support the care without being contracted for this being we care about.

May all beings everywhere taste goodness and freedom, ease. Feel cared for, including ourselves.

Thank you all. Thank you for your practice.

Reflections

So what we did was we started with appreciation. Well actually, we started first by arriving, landing with the breath, with the body. I invited you to feel the breath, the sense of nourishing, cleansing, refreshing, to really connect with the in-breath and out-breath. I wonder how that worked for you, if anybody wants to comment on that. And then we brought in someone we care about who might be going through a hard time, and with that being we started with appreciation, with gratitude as a way to prime the heart with goodness. And then with that appreciation, then we opened up to metta, to care, the goodwill for this being. And from there, the metta touching into the challenge they're going through right now—metta plus suffering equals compassion—the practice turned into compassion practice, karuṇā practice. Feeling, holding the suffering, the pain, with well-being, with a sense of goodwill. And from that we turned into our final destination and hung out there for a while, which was the practice of equanimity. Offering autonomy, continuing to care, to love, to be present for the being, and offering them autonomy.

So many different... a unique path we took this evening, and different from the path we've ever taken through this practice before. Always a new path, right? Isn't it fun? Always a new practice, never a dull moment of Happy Hour. So we'd like to invite you, if something opened up, if you discovered something in your practice you'd like to offer as an insight, this gift to the sangha^[5], or if there's a question, if something didn't work. So it's all good. You're invited, especially if you haven't spoken for a while. You can raise your Zoom hand or you can type in chat. If you type to me alone, I won't read your name. If you type to everyone, then I'll read your name. Or if you don't even want me to read your reflection, you can say "private" as you type it to me alone.

Claire, please.

Claire: Thank you so much, I had to get my hand up. This is very personal and I don't know if it will interest anybody but me, but you gave me an answer to something that I've been worrying about all day. Early in the morning I ran into someone who is a dear friend who has cancer, and I listened to her and talked to her and then I left. Right after I left I thought, "You know, I really should invite her to meditate because I believe it will help her," but I got busy with other things. Anyway, it came back to mind later in the day, but I have learned—and it's related to this—in the last year that I have tended to be not overbearing, but too involved with people's problems and they don't like it, actually. It pushes them away. And so I thought to myself, "No, you know, you're just repeating that old pattern. So maybe you better not." And you just reinforced what I had sort of gotten to, that this would not be helpful to her, even though it would be helpful to me. But not to her. And it was just beautiful. I mean, it was absolutely perfect. So thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: Beautiful. Thank you, Claire. Thank you so much for this. It's beautiful and I love how you said it's helpful to you because then it feels like it reduces... and that's the case for us, right? Because it reduces our anxiety when they feel less bad, like, "Oh yeah, you meditate, oh you feel better, I feel better." But can we be okay with our stress, our dukkha, our concern for them, and offer them autonomy? Exactly. Beautiful. Thank you, Claire, and I saw hearts in the chat, appreciating what you shared. Beautiful, thank you. Right on time. I heard you this morning, Claire. It's great.

Lydia says, "I often find Nikki's guidance so timely." Oh, that's sweet. Isn't that pretty wild? I have to say, I've often found at various times when I've listened to dharma talks myself and various offerings, things can be timely, so I appreciate that. But it does feel timely, both for Claire and Lydia. Thank you, thank you for those gifts. And the floor is open if there are any other reflections, questions, any other discoveries.

Abraham.

Abraham: Hi, thanks. For many years my brother has been the source of much dukkha for me. I've done a lot of loving-kindness for him and it's been really wonderful. I just went to see him today. For various reasons, causes and conditions, he is very separated from the rest of the family. I'm the only one who goes to see him and it's hard. The previous time that I went to see him I was really going like, "Wow, I don't know how much longer I can do this." "What do you get out of meditation? Why do you go on retreat? You don't do anything." That kind of a misanthrope, a real grump. And so just to do equanimity, you know, "I see your suffering," he's really suffering, and just connect with my compassion for him and just leave it be at that, was very timely today. So thank you for doing equanimity, I needed it.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you, Abraham. Thank you so much for sharing the story of your practice with your kin, with your sibling, with so much heart. Yeah, thank you. Beautiful. Oh, look at all those hearts going, yeah. And so beautiful. Oh, thank you, sangha.

So with the practice of equanimity and care, because equanimity is not aloof, it definitely has a sense of care and well-being. We're going to turn the practice into small groups. Oh, one more reflection.

Elaine says, "I really like to mentally say to myself the phrase, 'I cannot make your choices for you.' This is really helpful when I am doing my best to care for others."

Great, beautiful. Yeah, and there are so many phrases, and see which one really works for you for this particular person or being, it could be unique, and that's the one that really connects. So thank you Elaine for sharing the one that's connecting for you right now: "I cannot make your choices for you," when you're doing your best to care.

So with that we are all invited, dear friends, to practice in small groups. In groups of roughly size three. We'll start with 15 seconds of metta for another and then to share as much or as little as you wish from what came up for you as a gift to your fellow practitioners. Care for yourself, care for each other, and yeah, I think that's all I want to say. So the rooms are open, take care of yourselves, take care of each other. Here you go.

Okay everyone, the rooms are closed. Everyone is back and we have just a few minutes for any reflections, questions, comments, or complaints. Especially if you haven't spoken in a while, or tonight, it's all welcome. What might be of support? What did you discover in the practice or in the conversations?

Mary, please.

Mary: So for me, the person who came to mind was my long-term partner and how much I really believe that I can keep him healthy and happy and he will not die before I do. That is just, you know, I'm obsessed with it and I always have been, and we have great humor about it. But I encountered how equanimity about his dying is worse. It is harder for me than equanimity about my own dying. It's like, "No, I want to go before you." And to have compassion for myself in that stuck place.

Nikki Mirghafori: Oh dear heart, dear heart. Yes, dear heart, your mind wants to control, right? Yes, you control life. Who wants to control death? "I want it this way, make it all..." Oh dear heart, dear heart. Yeah, yeah, it's part of the human condition. We want that, right? Of course, especially with the big things. Especially with the big things, especially with the one you named. "I want to go before you," or just, yeah, of course. So common, so common. Thank you for... gosh, thank you for bringing that in, Mary. Thank you for sharing that, and also the humor and the compassion for yourself. Yeah, thank you. And thanks for letting it be witnessed. Thank you.

So powerful. Both with Mary's comment and every time any of you really share something about your practice and allowing others to witness it, it both supports others and there is such a beauty and grace to being witnessed by other human beings. By other caring consciousnesses, like, "Yes, yes, we see you, we see your gift, we see your beauty, we see your challenge." It's so different from practicing on our own, alone with our own stuff. When we share it, just something shifts, something profound happens. So thank you for sharing.

Jerry says, "It is so freeing to sit in equanimity, especially at the end of the day of work." Yes, ah, what a great point to end on. After a day of work, sitting in equanimity, there's a sense of ease, right? We're flowing. But I feel it too, having practiced with you, because of course I always practice with you when I lead these practices. So thank you all, thank you for the gift of your practice, the gift of your being and cultivating your heart, your mind, your being for the sake of yourself and all beings who come in contact with you directly and indirectly. May you all be well and may you all be free and happy.

Thank you.