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Happy Hour: Taking Joy In The Blessings of Others As If Our Own

Introduction

For today's practice, we're continuing to explore the practice of mudita^[1]. Mudita in Pali is often translated as vicarious joy, or sympathetic joy. Basically, it's happiness for another being's happiness, which is a wonderful way for our hearts to light up, to feel happy for circumstances of happiness. Whether it's somebody else, whether it's external or internal—internal will be expressed as gratitude. Usually, mudita becomes gratitude. External is this joy for another person's joy, taking delight in someone else's good fortune. Yay!

I've been talking, and Diana has been talking about mudita, so I won't repeat all the other things I've been saying at the beginning of the previous sessions. But a new idea I want to introduce tonight for our consideration about this practice is sometimes people wonder and ask, what is the relationship between wisdom practices—such as vipassanā^[2], mindfulness, seeing things as they are, practicing with seeing impermanence, etc.—and the heart practices? Mettā^[3], mudita, karuṇā^[4] (compassion, loving-kindness, vicarious joy).

Of course, they support each other, and in many ways, they are one and the same. When you really deeply practice insight, it opens up to love and compassion and happiness for all beings' good fortune. And then the other way around: when you deeply practice these practices of the heart, there's a sense of presence and seeing the way things are. It lights up for you; it becomes easier to see.

So what I want to point out is, as our hearts open up to the wisdom of selflessness, yes, there is the self. We take care of it, of course it's important—we bathe it and feed it. And yet, as we succeed in not always being so self-centered in our regard, we pop out of that. There can be a sense of ease, a sense of lightness if we don't keep worrying about the gain and loss of just this person that is "me."

When we expand our vision through wisdom practices, there's a sense of opening to the gladness of other people. When we're not just comparing, "Oh, is my gladness more than their gladness?" it's just happiness in the world. From the perspective of the enlightened mind—and if, when I say that, you think, "Well, I'm not enlightened yet," well, fake it till you become it. Assume in this moment, "Okay, what if for the next 15 minutes I'm going to take on the perspective of the enlightened mind?" Trust that you're in here somewhere. Nikki says, trust that you're in here somewhere. Awakened perspective. Can I just lean into that perspective of the awakened mind?

What if there is more spaciousness, and other people's gladness is not them and me—not "othering." If there's no othering happening, but it's just gladness. It's just goodness in the world. This heart can just delight in goodness in the world, in gladness.

So as we practice tonight with vicarious joy, that is the invitation. You don't need any previous experience; I'll guide you. And again, if the opposite comes up, whatever comes up, as long as you hold it with kindness, with care, just turn towards it. If grief comes up, if sadness comes up, if comparison comes up, if judgment comes up, as long as you turn towards it and hold it with kindness. "It's okay, sweetie. It's okay. Kindness. It's okay."

This universality of kindness from the perspective of the awakened mind applied now to this pain right here, right now, this challenge you're doing this practice with. Just applying friendliness, generosity of heart to whatever arises. Maybe gladness in the world, maybe challenge—it's all good.

Okay, so let's practice together. I'll guide us.

Reflections and Q&A

Thanks, everyone. Thank you for showing up and practicing. What a blessing, what a blessing. Happy for this happiness of practicing with you in community in this moment, that's what I'm in touch with right now as I see you, as I look at you. What a blessing it is. What good fortune to be able to show up and practice together, an unexpected gift of COVID^[5].

So you're welcome to type in chat or raise your hand. Would love to hear from you, especially if you haven't shared in a while. And if you're new, I would love to hear what you noticed, what was surprising, what you discovered, what worked, what didn't. It's all welcome. Your questions, reflections, support the community. It's an act of generosity for you to actually share of yourself in this way, especially if you usually hold back, thinking, "Oh, my comments, reflections are not that important."

You can raise your hand using the reactions, or you can type it in chat, either to me or to everyone. What did you notice? What happened? Was feeling joy for somebody else's happiness or blessing coming easily? Was it challenging? Did framing it this way, feeling into this expansiveness as if you're a little angel or a little butterfly with wings, did you try that on for size? Did that work for you? Did it not?

Oh, lovely. Dawn says, "Thank you, Nikki. Feeling joy for others was liberating. They are just like me." Oh, beautiful. Thank you for sharing that, Dawn. I love this as you talk about it, it was liberating, the sense of liberation. Feeling joy and seeing the common humanity. Feeling joy for others was liberating. Beautiful.

Yes, Carlo, I do see your hand. Usually, I don't see people's hands, but for you I do, and I'm going to ask you to unmute.

Carlo: One thing that worked really well for me was when you said thinking about the other person's complexities, that they have the complexities the same as I do. To think of people as three-dimensional just like me, that helped unleash some goodwill towards this neutral person, and to see them as a complete human being instead of just the little bit I know about them.

Nikki: Right, yeah. Thank you, Carlo, thanks for sharing that. And as you're saying that, I was seeing some heads nod in agreement with you. Yeah, thanks for sharing. That can be key, and we can take that then into our lives. Oh, there's so little we know about these other human beings; they have a life just as compelling as ours. Wow, right? It's obvious in some ways, but we don't consider it. It's profound.

And Eric says, "I really appreciated that we meditated on our blessings. It reminded me that amidst any situation, there are still blessings." Yes, thank you. Indeed, many blessings.

One reflection directly to me: "Feeling so lucky to have had this refuge of loving-kindness during the pandemic, providing constant love out to this hurting world." Oh, thank you. That's such a lovely reflection. So delighted that you're part of this community, and you keep coming, practicing, and sharing this constant love to this hurting world in this container.

And Terry says, "I wonder about the sensation that arises for me when contemplating joy. It seems to be closely related to a deep sadness as well. Are they related emotions?" Is it okay if I ask you to say a little more about this? So that I understand what it is you're referring to, if you could unmute yourself please, Terry.

Terry: Yeah, it's sort of hard to explain, but these things often are. Tears well up, a deep feeling in my heart wells up. And maybe I'm not understanding, maybe I haven't practiced joy enough. It's not natural, or dealing with deep depression most of the time, maybe it's that. I don't know, maybe it's so opposite of what I normally feel.

Nikki: Yeah, thank you for adding all the nuances, which are actually beautiful and tender. So I'm going to invite you to some investigation, some curiosity to kind of sit with. Because it might be that there is a tenderness. What you're describing sounded to me like tearful tenderness, that joy can feel so tender, kind of moist. You know, like when you look at a little child or maybe a newborn, it's like, oh my gosh, it's so precious. There's the happiness, but yes, it's tender, like your eyes get moist. So I wonder also maybe it's that. As it's finding its way, as you were saying, in the territory of touching into sadness which might be habitual, and kind of finding its way to unbridled joy. It's kind of like finding its territory through tenderness, through sadness, to unbridled joy. So it's kind of an exploration. I wonder, Terry, how does that land for you?

Terry: Yeah, that really strikes my curiosity in me too, like, huh, yeah, it could definitely be tenderness. Yeah.

Nikki: And stay with it, and be curious. And oh yeah, joyful, and it's okay. It's okay. Great, thank you for sharing that. Beautiful, thank you. And Matthew, we'll let this be the last comment before we go into the groups. Yes, Matthew, please.

Matthew: I just wanted to add on to that. I feel like a lot of these emotions are kind of like different sides of the same coin, and that the heart of them is really like a feeling of sincerity, maybe would be how I describe it. When you feel something sincerely, it can very quickly change from joy to even compassion or sadness. The core of them is sort of similar. It's that feeling of sincerity. So it's like if there's a sad tint to it, it's sad, but you're sincere about it. And then if it's happy, it's happy, but you're happy about it. But all of it is a core of sincerity. I think that a lot of times you're kind of on the surface, and so it feels like sincerity.

Nikki: Yeah, I appreciate this whole heart and the sincerity theme you're bringing. And what I'll add to it, what you brought in here in this context of practicing these different brahmavihāras^[6], as long as we meet them with kindness, with care, with warmth. As long as, say, that sadness is held with kindness, ah yes, it's held with compassion. When the happiness is held with kindness, it becomes a wholehearted celebration of goodness and gladness. So that's where they keep their wholehearted balance in this practice, instead of veering into the challenging aspect. Yeah, thank you. Beautiful.

So let's go into groups now. The invitation for the practice is maybe we'll start with 30 seconds of silent mudita for each other. Because you all have complex lives, it's "just like me." All these human beings, I don't know their lives, but they're complex and interesting. So having the sense of vicarious joy for each other's joys, and then you can share as little or as much as you wish later. So I'm gonna open the rooms here.

(Breakout Rooms Session)

Okay, welcome back everyone. The rooms are closed, terrific. So we've got a couple of minutes for any reflections. What came up for you, what you noticed, what you practiced during the practice meetings or the first part. And again, you can raise your hand if you like, or type it in chat. So please.

I see smiles. We will take one reflection before we end. Anyone? I see thumbs up, that's great. Sweet.

Jerry says, "I noticed how kindness abounds." Oh, that's beautiful. Thank you. And Mary, okay, here you go.

Mary: Okay, now it just went out of my head. Oh, treating my sleepiness with kindness. Just like, okay, I'm sleepy, nice. So I'm learning kindness, thank you.

Nikki: Hmm, oh that makes me so happy! Oh, treating that sleepiness with gentleness, with kindness. Oh, beautiful, thanks for sharing that. Very lovely.

And Susan asks, "I like mudita, and think there is more. Are we going to do it some more?" Yes, we are. We're going to do it some more before we transition to the next and final brahmavihāra, to hold you on the edge of your seat. But yes, we're going to do some more mudita until we transition.

So thank you all. Thank you for sitting, practicing, showing up for the benefit of all beings everywhere, not just yourself. We do this practice for all beings everywhere, including ourselves. May all beings be free. May all beings be happy. Thank you all, thank you.