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Happy Hour: Indiscriminate Compassion

Hello, and welcome, everyone, wherever you are in the world. However the weather is, externally or internally, it is lovely to be with you.

As we continue to practice and go through the categories for compassion practice together, we have been going through them one by one. We have now made it through the category of what is called a neutral person or neutral being. I know Diana did that yesterday, and I am going to continue with one more session of cultivating compassion for someone whom we don't know very well, someone who is a stand-in for all of humanity. We don't really have a history with them; we neither like them nor dislike them very strongly. They are just another human being.

This neutral being category is so important because, yes, there are categories where we know ourselves pretty well. We spend a lot of time with this being that is us, so cultivating self-compassion is familiar. Our beloveds, the people we care about, our friends and benefactors—yes, compassion for them many times comes easily because we care for them. If they are hurting, we hold their hurt and their sorrow with care and compassion.

Yet, this category of the neutral person—a person whom we don't really know—why is it such an important category? There are many reasons, but just to keep my comments brief before we actually practice together, one reason is that when we practice with this neutral person, after a while our hearts open up and we care for this person who we don't even really know. Our hearts learn that whom we care for, who is a stranger, and who is a beloved person feels so arbitrary. Our heart as a human being has an amazing, unfathomable capacity to care, to express its compassion for people whom we don't even know.

Many times, especially if you have sat a retreat or if you have practiced with the neutral person for a while, you realize that they don't remain neutral. You start to develop care for them: Oh, dear person. Oh, dear, dear human being. So it shifts, it changes. You start to care for them as if they were your best friend since childhood. These transitions can happen. It is very illuminating to feel that.

Another perspective to consider is that being able to cultivate and have a sense of care and compassion for a neutral person—the stand-in for all of humanity—can be thought of, in a theistic context, as having a god-like consciousness. A god-like consciousness is one of care, compassion, and love, indiscriminately, regardless of your history or knowing someone. Having care and compassion for any being.

This god-like consciousness or divine consciousness is something that we actually have as human beings. We can experience it; it is accessible. When we practice in this way, sometimes it feels like there is access to this divine, indiscriminate care, love, and compassion for other beings. A god-like, divine being, filled with beauty and grace. That is such a beautiful aspiration—not just an aspiration, but something we can actually feel into now and then. The potential of our own hearts and minds may be beyond what we give ourselves credit for, or even fathom that we're capable of. But this practice opens us to that, little by little.

You don't have to take my word for it. Just practice and see what happens. Maybe not today, maybe in the next session, or the one after that, or the one after that. Being open to possibilities.

Guided Meditation

Let's practice together. It is the perfect time to transition into your sitting posture, if you need to shift and move.

As always, we start by landing. Landing in our bodies. Landing in our breath. Letting go of thoughts, letting go of all the words that just came before, and just landing. Arriving in the simplicity of this moment. Just taking refuge for a few minutes and breathing. Sitting and breathing, that's all. Nothing fancy. Just being simple, one breath at a time in this body.

Inviting your awareness to intimately connect, to be intertwined with the breath in the abdomen. For the entire length of the in-breath and the out-breath.

And if there are thoughts arising in this moment, are they really necessary in this moment, or can you tell the thoughts, Thank you for visiting. Not now, please come back later. With gentleness, kindness, and yet a sense of empowered awareness: Thank you. Not now.

Intimately reconnecting with the breath in this moment. Taking refuge. Safety. Trusting this moment.

Now, bringing to mind someone you don't know very well. They don't have to be absolutely neutral, but as long as you don't have much of a history with them. It could be a neighbor, someone at a store where you shop, etc. Choosing someone, bringing them to your mind's eye. Clear visuals. Trying to picture them as clearly as you can, or having a felt sense of them. Maybe it's a neighbor you walk by when you go for walks. Having a felt sense of this fellow human being. What they look like, what they feel like, as much as possible. It may not be too much available.

Connecting with them, with this fellow human who is just like you. Just wants to be happy. This fellow human being, just like me, does not want to suffer. Does not want to experience pain, just like I don't.

And they do have a body. So they experience pain, discomfort, illness, sickness, just as I have. They've experienced disappointment, sadness, loss, grief, which has been painful for them, just like it has been painful for me.

This person is an object of affection of others. They are cared for, they're loved, they're appreciated. They're a friend. A child to someone, maybe a parent to someone, a sibling of someone, a partner to someone. And they care for others. They have hopes and dreams. They delight and laugh. They cherish their loved ones, their happiness. They've experienced both joy, love, gladness, delight, and sadness, sorrow, pain, and disappointment, just like you have.

Their inner life is just as complex and compelling as yours is to you. They want to be seen, respected, loved, cared for, happy, and not suffering. They are not so different from you.

Feeling this sense of connection to this person. A heart connection. Maybe there are things similar about the two of you that you don't know. Maybe they like the same vegetable you like, or the same fruit, or flavor of ice cream. Imagine both of you discovering that, and sharing, relishing this favorite food together.

For the purpose of this practice, it's okay to use our imagination. It's a skillful means to use our imagination to perhaps imagine some difficulty, some sadness, some challenge in their life, which you know, which you have experienced firsthand. And you know how difficult it is. It could be an illness, grief, loss, a relationship challenge, financial, work—whatever it might be.

Knowing that they have challenges just like you, have a sense of connection. What if it happened that their sorrow happened to be one way they've experienced suffering similar to yours? Who knows. Or you can imagine some other form of challenge or sorrow. You know they have it; we all do as human beings.

And feeling, just as you would, how painful it would be for you to experience this challenge, this loss, this illness, this sorrow. Feeling your connection, this common humanity.

Just as I want to be free from sorrow and pain, I wish you freedom from this sorrow, from this pain, from this challenge. Whatever it is you're experiencing.

Just as I wish to have ease and freedom in the midst of my challenge, I wish you ease in the midst of yours.

It's okay to use your imagination to connect. This person, just like you, has pain, sorrow, difficulty—emotional or physical difficulty. Wishing them ease in the midst of it.

May you have peace. May you have ease. May you be free from this suffering, this sorrow.

As if each out-breath that you breathe out brings them solace and comfort. You can connect with your breath and the phrases, if you wish, of compassion for this person.

May you be free. May you have peace. May you be free from pain. May you have peace. May you have ease.

Noticing that as you expand your heart, your care, and your compassion for this neutral person, there can be a sense of soothing and calm, grace and beauty shining through your own heart. A sense of peace and ease. And this cultivation of compassion that you experience.

And for the last moments of this practice period, holding yourself in compassion for whatever arose or did not arise. Maybe the opposite arose, or nothing arose. It's okay. Hold yourself with care, compassion, and love. You tried, you showed up, you did your best. And whatever happened—distraction, sleepiness, whatever else—it's not entirely up to you. So appreciate yourself for having showed up, or having tried, or having explored. Planting seeds. Trust you have planted seeds that will flower later when you least expect them.

Thank you. Thank you for your practice, everyone.

Reflections and Q&A

So, this can be a lovely practice, cultivating our hearts and compassion for a neutral person. It can also be complicated, or it can be flat. It can be so many different things. Whatever came up for you is okay. Trust that you're exploring, you're learning.

I would love to hear from you if you'd like to raise your hand or type your reflections in chat. I am happy to take what came up for you. Are there questions, comments, complaints, confusions? It's all welcome. As you share your reflection or your question with the community, know that you're supporting others by sharing your question, your wisdom, or what happened for you. Especially if you haven't shared in a while, I would love to hear from you.

Annika: Hi. I haven't shared ever, so let's try it. What came up for me actually was, I was going with the visualization for maybe a third of the meditation, and then there was just a wave of anxiety manifesting physically. Which has just been something that's been around in my body for a few weeks now. And so, you know, I was changing around positions and everything, and I actually ended up sort of just being barely there with the meditation. I felt like that might be worth sharing.

Nikki: Yeah, absolutely. I'm glad you shared that, Annika. Here's an invitation if that arises again. It sounds like the anxiety and restlessness is something that's been coming up for a while. Of course, when your mind settles and there's quiet, then that pattern that's been present for a while shows up again: Oh, here you are. Here you are, dear friend anxiety, restlessness. I see you.

It's quite normal, if it's been going on for a while, for it to come up in this way. So what I suggest is to then turn the compassion to yourself, because you're the one in that moment who is suffering and having a challenge of anxiety and restlessness. It's not pleasant, right? Turn the compassion—even though the guidance supposedly is for the neutral person—feel free to turn it to where it's needed in this moment. Oh, I'm the one suffering right now. So the practice can become self-compassion. A great practice of self-compassion.

You, and everybody else, absolutely have license—in fact, you're invited and encouraged to do that. Instead of, No, I'm not supposed to have compassion for myself, I'm supposed to have it for this other person. It's okay. Just turn it. As long as you're practicing compassion, metta^[1], loving-kindness, you're in the right place. You're in perfect company. I appreciate you bringing this question up, and I see appreciation in the chat. Does that make sense, Annika?

Annika: Yeah. Do you actually put anxiety under the category of restlessness and worry, as far as the hindrances^[2] go?

Nikki: Yeah.

Annika: Yeah, that does make sense. Thank you.

Nikki: You're welcome. And again, always feel free, you and everyone else, you can just turn it and hold it: This is hard, sweetie. This is challenging right now. It's okay. May you be free, may you have peace in the midst of this restlessness, worry, this anxiety. May you have ease with it. Great. Thank you. And I had Krista. You'd like to raise your hand?

Krista: Thank you. I find that the compassion practice can often be quite emotional for me, and today was another example of that. If I really kind of connect with the practice, I feel it in my chest and sometimes I can become quite tearful as well. Today I think I realized that sometimes I really don't show compassion for other people whose lives I don't have much insight into. When I realize that I've done that, it's incredibly eye-opening. So it's both a positive thing, because I'm like, Oh yeah, okay, I recognize that I'm doing that, and hopefully I can use that in my day-to-day life. But also, a little bit of shame that that happened—that I forgot. Well, I didn't forget. I think it's easy to say, Oh, we don't know what people are going through, everyone's got a lot on, but to truly believe that and connect with that, and treat people as such, is a whole other step. So it's a good practice, but I definitely get emotional sometimes.

Nikki: Thank you for sharing that. You raised many things, and I'm going to comment on a couple of them because I think it's very important. One is, as you're saying, it can be an emotional practice for you. It's okay. Tears are fine. It is perfectly fine. In fact, when I teach retreats on compassion and loving-kindness specifically, people come and say, Oh, I'm just crying in the hall, and I'm practicing and crying. And what I and other teachers say is, It's okay. This is the place for it. Let it move through. These are tears of healing. Tears of healing need to be expressed. So holding them back—in fact, being able to cry is beautiful. It's lovely, this tenderness of heart. Don't shy away from it. It's okay, befriend the tears.

There is strength in the tears and the tenderness. And there are so many people who say, Oh, I wish I could cry. I wish I could feel the tenderness. So enjoy that. Appreciate the tenderness of your heart, Krista. It's not a problem.

And then, as you were saying, Oh wow, connecting with this sense of other people and their challenges. Again, lovely, beautiful. And when self-judgment comes in through shame—like, You should be able to do this better—it's like, Oh, right, it's the pattern of self-judgment showing up in different ways in different areas. Like, No, this is a cultivation. Here I am, I'm cultivating it, and it's hard for me. And then have compassion for your dear self. You are overwhelmed with your own life, and so here you are. You've shown up to cultivate this beautiful gift to share with others. So thank you so much.

So let's practice. I like to invite us into small groups, and tonight I think it'll be quite special because you can also be each other's neutral people. You all have challenges in each other's lives, so holding each other with a sense of care, metta, and compassion—these dear beings from across the world who are holding you, and you're holding them in challenge. Maybe start with thirty seconds of just wordless metta. Thirty seconds of wordless compassion for each other, just holding each other's presence, knowing that you all have challenges. I'll create the rooms and I hope you stay to participate. It's such an important part of our humanity to connect in this way in these small supportive groups and practice together.

[Breakout rooms open and close]

Okay everyone, the rooms are closed, we're back. Maybe we'll just take one quick reflection about how the practice was in groups for you. Would anybody like to quickly share in chat or raise your hand? What was it like? Comforting, thank you, Jerry. And we have Emily.

Emily: I just wanted to share that it felt comforting and kind of validating to talk about just how time feels—this feeling of, Oh, another Friday, and the last year, and how weird time feels right now. It was just nice to hear that everyone else could relate to that. It's like, Okay, I'm not crazy, this is really weird.

Nikki: Yes, you said it. Just like me. It's this common humanity. Just like me, this is weird. Yeah, and here we are for each other. Thank you for sharing that. I really appreciate it. And thank you all for showing up and practicing, both for your own sake and the sake of all those whose lives you touch, including the people in this Zoom room.

May all beings be safe, happy, healthy, and have ease. May all beings be free, including ourselves. Thank you all so, so much.