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Guided Meditation: Compassion for Entanglements

Greetings, friends. Greetings to all of you from Mountain View, California, unceded Ohlone land. I hope you are well wherever you are in the world, and I'm delighted to be joining you together, joining each other to practice this morning, or in this moment in time.

Today we're going to continue our exploration of compassion cultivation, as it is done in expanding concentric circles. We start with ourselves. The next category we extend to is the benefactor or dear friend, and then the neutral person, a very important category that we worked with yesterday. And now today we've come to a pivotal category, one I've been looking forward to actually, which is the person we have challenges with.

I like to use the long version instead of saying a "challenging person," because from their vantage point they're not challenging; they're just doing the best they can, and maybe they think we're challenging. So it is the person we're having challenges with at this moment in time.

The neutral person we worked with yesterday is really the stepping stone to expanding our heart, bringing ease to our heart with respect to someone we're having challenges with. Let's just practice together, and I'll give some invitations for us to explore. Again, this is for the benefit of the peace of our heart. It's not necessarily for them; it's really for us to have peace and ease, and expansion of our compassion. So let's practice together.

Now, arriving... arriving... arriving in our seat, arriving in our bodies. Arriving in this moment in time.

Feeling our feet on the earth, our legs, our sit bones, our hands. Feeling our entire body seated and receiving the breath. Connecting, allowing awareness, inviting awareness to connect with the entirety of the breath. In-breaths, out-breaths in the body. Receiving the breath in the body.

As we sit and feel grounded, letting there be a sense of goodwill for ourselves. A sense of appreciation for showing up. We're showing up in this moment as best as we're able to. A sense of goodwill for ourselves, the appreciation that we are doing the best we can, especially with respect to our challenges, our difficulties.

With the same gesture of a mother holding a newborn child lovingly, letting ourselves with our tenderness be held with kindness.

And now inviting the neutral person we were practicing with yesterday. If you were not practicing yesterday, no problem, invite someone you don't know so well. Appreciating their common humanity. Just like me, you have joys and sorrows. And sitting with them in your heart space with goodwill, with friendliness.

You might notice that they're no longer neutral. You've developed a sense of affection, warmth, kinship with them. Maybe notice if that is present or not yet, which is perfectly fine. These categories are so transient.

Now inviting someone you're having some challenge with. Maybe not the number one person on your list, the person you're having the most challenges with. Somewhere lower. Bring this person to your mind, to your heart. If you need to keep them a little further away, that's okay too. Conjure them up, seeing them as clearly as you can while staying embodied, staying in your seat of stability. See them as clearly as possible.

See that just like you, this person suffers. Just like you, they suffer a lot. Just like you, they're the object of affection of other people, other beings. They are very dear. They are loved. Appreciate that they're a good friend to someone. Maybe they're really kind, generous, loyal, caring, supportive to someone.

Just like me, they have hopes and aspirations, have values. Just like me, they don't want to suffer, just want to be happy. They want to be free from sorrow and pain.

You are not condoning any harm they have caused you, but we're letting go of that story right now and just feeling into the common humanity. Not condoning the harm, tuning into the common humanity. Separating the behavior from the person—our hearts, our minds can do that. We are capable. You see the humanity and hold this person with goodwill just because they're a human being just like me, and they suffer just like me. Wishing them well, as much as available, as much as possible.

And again, to defend your heart and your mind, if they need to be far away in distance on another island for you to feel safe enough to wish them well, that's okay. Or they might be able to be closer, really seeing, feeling the common humanity. Just like me, they suffer. Just like me, just as I wish to be free from sorrow, may this person be free from sorrow. Just as I would have ease and peace as I meet my challenges and difficulties in my life, may they have ease and peace as they meet their challenges.

Find your own way with the phrases, with seeing common humanity. Trust that it's possible. Trust that you can, whatever amount is available in this moment. We wish you well.

And also, it might be helpful to see the two of you—you and the person you're having challenges with—in this entanglement. And the way you're entangled, or have been entangled, through all these causes and conditions that brought you together and you got entangled in this way. Wishing both of you well. Wishing both of you well in ease with this entanglement that happened, or is happening. I wish both of us this peace, freedom from sorrow and suffering. As we have been entangled, challenged... I wish you well.

I hold with goodwill, with understanding, with ease, with friendliness both of us in this entanglement. Offering ease to my heart. It's okay. It's okay. May both of us be free. May both of us have ease in the midst of challenge. I wish both of us well.

And maybe your heart feels ready to release. Release this entanglement, and wish well for both of you.

Coming back to our seats, the breath, the body, as we turn to close this period of sitting together. Appreciating that we've showed up and we've done our best, as best as we're able to in this moment in time. In this practice, giving our heart as much as possible, cultivating goodwill, compassion. Knowing that there are seeds of goodness planted that will ripen in their own time. Not our time, their own time.

Without attachment to the outcome right here and now, sharing this co-created goodness, offering it to all beings everywhere. May my practice be of service not just to myself and those whose lives I touch directly, but all beings everywhere. May all beings be free. May all beings be happy, including myself.

Dharmette: Compassion (4/5) The Person With Whom We Are Entangled Right Now

Greetings, everyone. Just as we ended our meditation, I asked you to put maybe one word as to what's coming up in your heart right now, and I'll just share a few things that you have offered. So many things in the space, beautiful offerings: release, gratitude, love, perspective, confusion, generosity. Entanglement—a lot of it. Some sadness, holding lightly, gratitude for the teachings, kindness, softness of heart, humanity, being present, transformation, easing of difficulty, loosening, rumbling, understanding, grief. So yeah, loosening up. Thank you all for offering what's arising and bringing it to the space.

Today we are continuing with the theme of the expansion of compassion cultivation. As I've mentioned, I'll review it. It's done systematically in concentric circles, starting with ourselves and our benefactor, expanding some more to a dear friend, expanding some more to a neutral person, expanding some more, and then to the person we have challenges with. And this part is so rich, this expansion of the heart for those we have challenges with.

As I said before the meditation, I like to not use the traditional label for this category. The traditional label for this category is the "enemy," but in the West we don't say "enemy." Often teachers say the "challenging person" or "difficult person." I don't like to say "challenging" or "difficult person" because if we label that person in our minds as challenging, or say, "That's my difficult person," already we're labeling them. Our mind, our perception, our perspective is already deciding that they are difficult. It sets up a dynamic of, "I'm the one doing my best, they're difficult." And there's no such thing. We are entangled with one another. In fact, they might think that we're the difficult or challenging person from their perspective.

So calling them this mouthful—"the person we are having challenges with right now"—can be helpful. You can add "right now" because maybe in the past we didn't have challenges with them, maybe in the future we will not have challenges. But right now we happen to be entangled, and they happen to be entangled with us.

Compassion for the person we're having challenges with... even saying that, to my heart, brings some release right there. It doesn't make it fixed. There's no fixedness that they're the challenging person, they're never going to change, I'm never going to change. But oh, for right now we're entangled. It's a fluid thing. It's impermanent. It brings the acknowledgment of the grace of impermanence in there. Right now, something has happened, or is happening, that this entanglement—because of all the causes and conditions, many of them beyond our control—is happening.

It is very important as we cultivate compassion and open our hearts little by little, as much as is available to release entanglement and wish well for the person we're having challenges with. It doesn't mean that we let go of the harm that has been done. Some people don't dip their toes into this kind of compassion because they're afraid that they're going to become weak, that they will become more vulnerable to future abuse. No, it doesn't work that way.

Hear me out. One is that we don't condone the actions. We separate the actions, the behavior, from the humanity of the individual, and we might still hold them accountable, of course, for their actions. We may even keep some distance between us and them. As I think Sylvia Boorstein^[1] says, we may throw people out of our lives, but we don't throw them out of our hearts. You may decide, "Okay, with this person, it's just not appropriate for us to have contact, it's just too hurtful, and it's wiser for them not to be in my life." But you don't throw them out of your heart. You wish them well.

So, we are separating the behavior from the humanity of the person. If the circumstances are such that you continue to be engaged with the person, again, you engage from a place of common humanity, kindness, and goodwill. They're doing their best, maybe they're screwing up, maybe you're screwing up. It's an entanglement together. There is kindness for both of you, goodwill for both of you, without condoning the actions. Separating the actions from the common humanity of the person in fact takes a lot of courage and strength. Having this kind of compassion and kindness for the people we have had entanglements with takes great courage and strength, and it also gives us a sense of uprightness.

There are nuances to compassion. Compassion isn't just soft and tender; compassion can also be fierce. Fierce compassion is another way that it shows up. It shows up with a lot of care, but with a lot of wisdom about what is appropriate.

When we have compassion 360 degrees, including ourselves and other people—say, if this is someone with whom we've been in an abusive relationship—when we have complete compassion for ourselves and them, there is a sense of fierce compassion that comes into our hearts. It says, "Okay, I care for you, I love you, and for the sake of myself and you, I'm not going to allow you to hurt me anymore." There's a sense of fierceness, and it's not out of hatred for the other person. It's out of love for ourselves and for them, recognizing that this is not appropriate.

Love and wisdom really come in to create a sense of appropriateness. In the West we tend to call it boundaries, but I don't like the word "boundaries" because boundaries already create separation—like, "Oh, you over there, you're separate." But we see the common humanity. Wisdom creates this strength, this sense of uprightness. This sense of fierce compassion for ourselves and for them allows kindness and compassion to flow without enabling abuse. So this is a very, very important distinction to make.

Yesterday, I promised to say a little bit more about the near enemy and the far enemy^[2] of compassion. We've already discussed in the past few days two of the near enemies, or the masqueraders—things that masquerade as compassion but they're not compassion. One of them is empathic distress or grief. With a sense of grief, you're falling into the waves with the person instead of having the stability to have kindness for them. That's a really important one we discussed that you can go back and listen to in day two.

We also discussed pity yesterday, which is another masquerader. It is a "less than" feeling: "Oh, it never happened to me." It approaches compassion from this high place of, "Oh yeah, I'm up here and poor you, poor you." Pity is not compassion.

Now today, I wanted to bring in what's called the far enemy, which is another word for saying the opposite. The opposite of compassion is cruelty.

Cruelty is easily recognizable; it's not a masquerader, but it can arise. When, for example, you're trying to cultivate compassion for the person you're having challenges with, and you bring to mind the common humanity, you bring to heart the way they suffer. Instead of your heart extending in kindness—"Oh, you too, like me"—it's like you're feeling happy for their suffering. Ouch. That is cruelty. That is the definition of cruelty: taking joy and delight in another person's suffering.

If that arises, please recognize it. And then, instead of turning towards yourself with self-judgment like, "Oh, how can I be cruel, this is terrible," just pause. Bring in kindness and wisdom to yourself. "Okay, sweetheart, what's going on here? You must be really, really hurt to be resorting to cruelty. This is not good for you. It's not good for your own heart development, your own karma^[3], the way you feel, the way you think, the way you show up in the world." Bring kindness, understanding, and acceptance instead of pushing it away and trying to make it into an exile. Accept and understand it. That's step number one.

Step number two is to consider the deterrents, the heavy weight, the karmic weight, the negative aspects of cruelty. In fact, it's almost like cruelty and other negative emotions externally, like anger for example, are likened to wearing the skin of a dead snake, which is kind of repulsive and ugly, right? It's like, "Ooh, it's not very inviting." You can use similar similes and feelings to recognize that, actually, cruelty is quite unattractive. See the unattractiveness in those qualities of the heart. These are some ways you can support yourself if the far enemy, the opposite of compassion, arises while you're doing this practice.

Q&A and Reflections

There is a lot more on this topic, but we have one more day to practice together. I want to invite you, for the rest of the day, if it's helpful, to consider you and the person you've been entangled with. If it comes up, wish both of you well in this entanglement. See if there can be some release, if you can do some letting go.

Somebody also put "schadenfreude" in the chat. Yes, schadenfreude is this great German word for taking joy in the pain and sadness of others. That's another far enemy here; it's cruelty. Thank you all for your engagement.

I see there's a question about boundaries. Maybe I'll just take a moment to clarify that. For me, the sense of boundaries that we use brings such a sense of separation of our humanity, but there's a way that we can have this uprightness with kindness for ourselves and kindness for others. Maybe I'll say more about that tomorrow; the time has run out.

Thank you all. May you be well. May you practice well, with kindness and compassion for any entanglements for the rest of the day. I am looking forward to practicing with you tomorrow. Be well.