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Happy Hour: Releasing Resentment

Introduction

So hello and welcome to happy hour. A warm welcome to all and every one of you, wherever in the world you're joining from. For today's practice together, I'd like to invite us to consider metta^[1], goodwill, for folks for whom we've had a challenge with, some kind of difficulty.

One reason why I wanted to bring this up for today, it being December 21st or 22nd depending on where you are, is we are towards the end of the year. I was just reflecting that in the Persian culture, which is where I'm from—I was born in Iran—and I suspect in many other cultures around the world, there is this idea of attending to our heart. If possible, there's the same idea of not going to bed angry with your partner, trying to resolve things before the end of the day if at all possible, making a habit of that. If it's also possible to not close the year, not enter a new year with grudges, with resentments, if at all possible, of course, but trying to attend to them. Trying to attend to have some sense of opening the heart to situations and folks we've had challenges with.

There's a lot of wisdom in that, not just in this tradition but in all traditions, of attending to areas of challenge. Sometimes the person we have a challenge with actually might be ourselves. We might be our own "difficult person." By the way, usually I try not to say "difficult person" because the person we're having this challenge with, they're not difficult as far as they're concerned, we're difficult. [Laughter] Right? They're doing fine. It's we the ones who are just complicated or whatever we are, you know?

So it's best to not have the label that they're difficult or that we're difficult. It's just that right now we seem to be entangled. We seem to be entangled for whatever reason. Maybe this entanglement happened sometime in the past and never got resolved, and maybe this person is no longer in our lives. Maybe they're still in our lives and we interact with them regularly, and maybe they're not in our lives. Either way, try to open our hearts into attending to it. Again, not trying to get it all cleared up in one session of meditation and being completely disappointed and distraught that, "Oh, universal love isn't flowing for this person." That's not our goal. But just to open up, just to open up slightly, perhaps from a different perspective. We might have also worked with this entanglement many, many different ways, but opening up to it yet from another perspective is the invitation for this practice.

I'll share with you something personal that came up for me this week. I was reading some old journals from 30 years ago when I was 20 years old. In it there was some challenging interaction with someone—a very challenging interaction. When I read that, I thought, "Wow, this person. Gosh." There was a sense of still trauma remaining and a sense of still upset, because I hadn't really thought about that person. I hadn't processed it. Then I did a little search, and this person was an academic, so I found their image. Now they're much older, and my heart opened up like, "Oh wow." In my mind they were fixed in this angry, challenging way, and now I saw their image in a very different way. They're much older. "Oh my goodness. Just like me, they have a body that hurts." So, inviting us not to have this fixed experience of whatever being fixed in our mind in a particular way, really granting them their autonomy in seeing them in different ways. Anyway, without saying too much, just to open to this possibility.

Guided Meditation

So with that, I'd like to invite us to get into our meditation posture.

Landing. Resting. Resting. Landing. Arriving in this body.

See what your body needs. If you need to lie down. If you need to sit up straighter.

Letting your spine have an uprightness, a sense of integrity. Integrity to your posture. Not forced, but an invitation to sit upright and inviting all the muscles to relax. The soft tissue to be relaxed as soft and relaxed as possible.

And letting the lower back, from the inside of the lower back, relax, to settle. Letting your lower abdomen from the inside settle into your sit bones. Dropping into your sit bones. Letting go of tightness or tension.

And just as if the snow globe, when it's settled, when it's put down, all the glitter settles down. Let all the thoughts, all the restlessness, this glitter, let it land, let it settle, move down, down, down, as if you're seeing it all land right around you, around your feet, around your legs, like confetti all landing on the floor, settling.

Ah, and there will be a sense of clarity and ease.

Receiving the breath. One breath at a time. Feeling calmed and soothed.

Appreciating this moment of refuge, of quiet, to just sit and be breathed.

If at any point you notice thoughts are arising, the snow globe has been shaken, put it down. Put it down.

Ah, and feel the settling. Feeling the body settling. Thoughts settling.

And now I'd like to invite you as you continue to stay embodied, receiving, feeling the breath. Bring your attention to your heart, heart center, center of your chest.

Connecting with an intention to have an unentangled heart, unentangled emotions, a wish for ease in your own heart, a wish for your heart not to be tight with anger, resentment, ill will which contracts our heart. It pains us, causes harm to ourselves psychologically, healthwise, emotionally, spiritually. In so many ways, entanglements of the heart detract from our own goodness, our well-being, the ease of our heart and mind and body.

So connecting with the simplicity of this wish for the heart to not have ill will, not have resentment, not push away, not be angry, upset, whatever the flavor of it might be for you. However it shows up for you. Connecting with your own sincerity, the way it shows up for you.

And again, not lofty, not that right here, right now in this session of practice, we will do away with every upset, every anger. That's too unreasonable a goal. But just connecting with the intention. May I move just a tiny little bit towards more freedom, more freedom in my own heart. Perhaps by seeing this other being whom I'm entangled with. We are entangled together in this web, in this life. May I see them perhaps slightly differently, in a new light. May my heart open to appreciating their goodness just a tiny bit more. Just a tiny bit.

Aspiring for ease, love and freedom, but setting your expectations really, really low. May I move towards just a tiny, tiny bit less upset, aversion. Just a tiny bit more understanding.

Staying connected with your body, with your abdomen, your heart center, the breath. Inviting the most charitable image of this being you have some entanglement with. Not the image of them upset, angry, but an image of them maybe smiling, kind, expressing their goodness as much as it's available to you.

Maybe conjuring up an image of them playing with a puppy. Being kind with a pet, or a child, or a grandchild, as if you're watching them from afar. Seeing them express their kindness, their love, their care for another being. And you just witnessing it from afar. Maybe seeing how the happiness, the giggles, the laughter of the child, a pet, makes them happy. Seeing how they're moved. Seeing their good intentions, their goodness, their humanity, towards another being, if available.

And if not available, maybe considering some of their values, something you admire about them. One of their good qualities. Maybe they're creative. Be creative. Something you maybe not admire, but appreciate about them. Maybe it's an action you appreciate they've done for you, or they've done for someone else.

And just letting your mind receive. Appreciate the goodness. Not judging the actions, "half selfish, half blah blah blah." Letting all of that go. Just intentionally bringing your gaze, your awareness to the goodness which every human being has.

And considering that this being, this being is doing the best they can. If they could have done better, if they could do better, they would. And anyone born with their genes, with their background, upbringing, life experiences, all the causes and conditions that they have been subject to, and subjected to. So many of which they had no control over. The being who would have been subjected to all these causes and conditions would be acting, behaving, showing up in the world just as this person is right now or has been.

And your entanglement with this being is not personal. It's more born of the causes and conditions of their life, and the causes and conditions of yours. It's the causes and conditions that are getting entangled. And to see their humanity and your humanity.

Being in your body, receiving the breath, being grounded. Just as you breathe. Breathe. Just as your breath reverberates, moves through your body, it does so for this being.

Just as you turn your gaze inward, sensing, feeling your body, the sensations, so does this being.

Just as you experience physical pain and you want to be free of it. Sensing your body right now, if there was a pain right now in your body, a lack of comfort, lack of ease, how challenging that could be for you. This being too feels pain, physical pain, and wants to be free of it.

Just as you are visited by sadness, sorrow, loss, anger, restlessness, worry, fear, in your heart, body and mind. This person too, this being, their heart feels heavy with sadness, with pain, loss, anger.

Just as you want to be free of suffering, just as you want to be happy, not experience physical, emotional pain, this being too has the same wishes. Is just like me.

And just as you turn your gaze inward right now, feeling your breath, sensing your body, appreciating the complexity of inner life that you have with hopes and dreams, joys and sadness, and wholesome intentions for doing good in the world in the way you see best. This being too, their gaze turned inward. Their life is compelling, is complex, just like yours. Their intentions, their good intentions for being a good person, doing good in the world, the way they see the world. That's no different.

I'd like to invite you to imagine yourself giving them a gift, a heartfelt gift. Something you think they would appreciate that they don't expect. Could be a physical gift, or maybe in the box you give them something metaphorical. Maybe peace of mind or health. Something they would really appreciate. Make them so happy. And imagine you've wrapped in a beautiful box this goodness. Whatever it is, maybe knowing they're loved.

And imagine you're giving them the gift, and imagine them pleased. They receive the gift, they open it, they appreciate it so much that it brings them to tears. If they're not healthy, maybe it's health. If they're worried about their legacy, maybe it's peace and comfort about that, or whatever it might be. They're moved to tears with gladness, with happiness, with delight, with appreciation.

And see what comes up for you in your heart. Maybe a gesture, maybe a bow. This giving of the gift of metta, goodwill, kindness. Notice what comes up in your heart. And maybe your heart is just a tiny bit more open to this being.

And for the last moment of this practice, in your mind's eye, bowing to this being. Maybe you see them bowing back to you. Bowing to them and thanking them for being your teacher, for teaching you to open your heart. Teaching you resilience, patience, and whatever you need to learn in this life.

Reflections

Thank you all for your practice, and this practice of opening our heart for metta. In this meditation metta was this gift of goodwill, this gift of well-being that we gave to the person with whom we're entangled with, we have some challenges with.

For me, as I was guiding you in this practice and doing it myself, my heart was moved. I was moved to tears, too. Imagining the person receiving what they needed, being relieved, happy. There was a movement in my heart of just generosity. "Oh, may you be well. May you have what you need in the world."

I'd like to invite you if you'd like to share any experiences, any questions. I especially want to invite those of you who usually don't speak, don't speak up. And if you tend to rush forward, to hold back a little bit so that we support those who tend to be a little more shy or reserved. You're welcome to type your reflections in chat. And if you'd like to share verbally, especially if you usually don't share or rarely share, please raise your virtual hand. If you raise your physical hand, I may not see you.

I see a reflection coming from Ally who says, "I feel like the Grinch whose heart grew three sizes today." [Laughter] That's sweet. Thank you for sharing that, Ally. It's a lovely image. I'm touched. May your heart continue to grow always.

Any other reflection, especially if you usually hold back. I want to invite you. Your reflections, your wisdom, whatever you have to share, whatever you wish to share is important. You are an important part of this community. So, we'd love to hear from you.

Bill offers on chat, "I have found this meditation very emotional, very deep. This was something I needed but didn't know I needed. Can't thank you enough." Thank you, Bill. Thank you for the sincerity of your heart and practice, and for showing up.

Robin offers on YouTube, who came late and didn't know the full scope of the guided meditation, but bowed down to the cancer that she has as an entryway of what lesson she needs to learn from it. Thank you, Robin. Thank you for sharing that. Wishing you ease and health.

Again, inviting reflections, especially those who rarely share. You are important, would love to hear anything you want to share.

Yuka says, "Nikki, I want to thank you deeply for leading us in practice, respect for Sangha^[2], and thank you all." Ah, thank you Yuka. Thank you so much for your words, for your practice.

So dear ones, this might be a good time to transition into small groups, and then we'll have an extra few minutes at the end for reflections from what comes up from practicing together, from cocreating together. The invitation for the practice together in groups is you can share what came up for you in practice if you wish, or give each other gifts. Give yourself the gift of presence. Give each other gifts of presence. Maybe just silently bowing to each other. See what emerges, what arises. It's such a rich and rare opportunity to be able to be with fellow practitioners in this beautiful tender space. So, I will open the breakout rooms now.

...

Hello everyone and welcome back. We have a few minutes for reflections, questions, comments on how the groups were. Clark, yes, please.

Clark: I was just going to say, I had no trouble envisioning the person with puppies and children and feeling happiness for them in that part. And then, every time I started to imagine them with me, I felt my heart constricting. And when you brought up the thing about the gift, I was like, "Hell no, I can't give this person a gift." And the first gift I thought of was sort of a patronizing, "Well, here's freedom from anxiety because you really need that because you're so anxious." And I think you said something like, "Just letting them know that they're loved." And that just broke something inside me, and I started crying imagining them crying. It was just interesting. I was telling people in my group, it was like my mind was sitting there being like, "We can't do this. We're not ready. We're going to have to just sort of check out of some of Nikki's invitations." And then my heart was like, "Nah, girl. You got this. [Laughter] Charge forward." I couldn't sustain it for very long. And then I was like, "All right, that was good. I'm going to lie down now." But yeah, just beautiful. It was beautiful. Sometimes you don't know what your heart is capable of, which is something you said last week in the Tonglen^[3] practice. Like just witness the power of the heart to do things you don't even know it's capable of. So, thank you.

Nikki: Thank you, Clark. Thank you so much for sharing. So beautiful. My heart is buoyed. I'm getting teary just listening to you. I'd like to just sit with that actually, for us to be amazed, to be surprised, to let ourselves be surprised by the magnificence, the grace, the love, the capacity of love and forgiveness in our hearts. Just let yourself be surprised. Not to will it, but just to be awed by it. It is ours. And yet it's not ours. Whoever this being is, it's greater. It's much more magnificent than we take our own humanity to be.

So on that beautiful note, that beautiful share by Clark, let's end our evening together. Thank you all for your practice, and may the goodness of our practice together be a gift. May it be a gift to ourselves. May it be a gift to others and all beings everywhere. The gift of goodness, kindness, love, and freedom. Thank you all. Thank you for your practice.