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Speech that Nourishes

I have become very aware and reflective about the amount of divisive speech that exists in this country these days. It is not only divisive, but also some speech which is filled with hate and animosity. So, I want to talk a little bit about speech, and what the Buddha had to say about wise speech, or Right Speech^[1].

As an introduction to this, there is a Tibetan Buddhist saying that while you are meditating, you should watch your mind; while you are in the world, you should watch your speech. There is something very significant about really tracking what you are saying and bringing a lot of mindfulness to all the speech acts we do.

How we speak and what we say is a window into the depths of our being. It is a way of accessing ourselves and what is going on deep inside that sometimes works better than meditation. Certainly, in meditation, when watching our mind, we see a lot and touch into some deeper way of being. But sometimes we do not see parts of ourselves. In our own privacy, with eyes closed and quiet, the range of things that come up—our beliefs, our impulses, our motivations, and our attitudes toward things—might be somewhat selective. But when we are out and about in the world, all kinds of events can trigger us and evoke different parts of who we are.

If we are watching our speech—how we talk, how we communicate, how we write, or how we sign for people who use sign language—how we communicate with each other carries a lot of information about ourselves.

The Impact of Speech on Our Inner Life

To really turn and use our communication to tap into ourselves in a deeper way is essential. For people who have done this in meditation and have discovered the world of inner resources that are available, there is a very important reference point for understanding speech and our motivation in how we speak.

When we sit in meditation, as we go further and further into this inner world, we have a clear, immediate experience or a tangible feeling of peace, ease, calm, and quiet. There are many different perspectives on what happens in meditation, but we start tapping into inner resources that are highly valuable to our inner way of being. Usually, it is a way of being that has less strife and less unease; there is more ease, more subtleness, and a sense of being at home.

That is actually a very important reference point. If we have really taken that in, registered it, felt it, and been nourished by these inner resources, then the question is: why give it up? Is what comes out of our mouth, what comes out of our fingers if we are writing or signing, in harmony with what we are discovering in meditation? Or is there a kind of violence to it?

I use dramatic language like "violence" because of the tremendous difference between the sense of deep well-being from meditation and some of the forms of speech that go on in the world. Speaking in angry, hostile, harsh, false, or manipulative ways is a common occurrence. What is really fascinating for meditators is that we can actually feel a loss of the peace, the well-being, and the happiness that is here.

People who don't have a deep sense of an inner life won't see the degree to which hostile, manipulative, lying, or harsh speech is actually harming the speaker. Sometimes those people are so focused on what they're saying and the purpose of what they're saying—getting revenge, poking at someone, making sure people feel their anger, or getting rid of someone—that they feel justified in doing it. They don't really turn around and see what the impact has been for them personally through these acts of speech.

Nourishing Ourselves and Others

I believe the more a person has developed a deep inner life—where we're settled at home in ourselves in a deep, content, calm way; where there's a certain kind of rich, wealthy quietude and peacefulness inside—they will feel the dissonance between that and how some of these more painful forms of speech exist for us. Independent of the morality or ethics of speech, and even independent of how our speech acts affect other people, the way it affects us becomes a more and more important reference point for meditators following the Buddhist path to liberation.

It isn't only that we have a reference point for how we lose something or how we do a kind of violence to ourselves. We also become more aware of the opposite: how certain acts of speech that come from this place of well-being actually work to nourish us and feed us. They support the growth and development of this place of goodness inside. Just feeling the impact it has internally gives us plenty of reason to avoid harmful speech that hurts other people or ourselves, and rather to use speech which feels good, supports, and nourishes the place of goodness inside of us.

If it is nourishing us, chances are very high it is nourishing and beneficial for other people. If it is really beneficial for other people, then the hope is that we figure out a way to speak that is beneficial for us, so the benefits go in both directions. It is not a zero-sum game. It's not like I have to sacrifice myself for your sake, or sacrifice you for my sake. It is beautiful that the same act of speech, done carefully and well, supports both self and others.

Four Criteria for Wise Speech

How is this done? The most important thing for meditators is to really tap into, remember, and feel the place of subtleness they have found in meditation. Don't forget it when you get up. Don't try to hold on to it either, as that doesn't work so well, but stay in touch with it. Stay in touch with that place where settledness, calm, love, or generosity can be. Use it, even if it's just a matter of remembering it so you can feel the difference in what happens to your heart, your chest, your body, and your mind. In those places where this goodness lives in you, you've made it second nature to tap into it. You will be aware of it, because those are the places where hostile, lying, or harsh speech is going to undermine you. You'll feel how it undermines you.

The Buddha gave all kinds of guidelines that are very helpful for being mindful of speech. We do this in such a way that it's not just a matter of being mindful of it, but learning how to have speech which is nourishing, supportive, inspiring, and meaningful—speech that supports what's happening in meditation. The axiom, "In meditation watch your mind; in life watch your speech," becomes so clear that attention to speech is as effective as paying attention to your mind or focusing on your breathing in meditation. That is the potential we have.

The guidelines the Buddha gives are kind of like mirrors or pointers of where we can look and how we can pay attention so that we practice with the full potential of speech. Over the next five Monday morning talks, I am going to go through a list of five criteria for Right Speech. But today, I want to talk about four guidelines from a list of ten called the Ten Skillful Actions^[2]. These are wholesome or skillful ways of acting in the world, and four of these have to do with speech: to speak the truth, to speak what's beneficial, to speak what is polite, gentle, pleasing, or inspiring, and to speak what is connecting and brings people together.

1. Speak the Truth

The first, speaking the truth, should hopefully be very meaningful for people who do mindfulness practice. Mindfulness practice is a practice of telling ourselves the truth. We are honest with what's happening for ourselves and really seeing what's here. Every time we notice what is here—even with the breath, the sensations of the body, or the emotions we have—and we recognize it, that is a small or big movement of truth-telling. We're telling ourselves what's actually true and happening here.

Sometimes what we see in ourselves are things we don't necessarily want to admit, so it's a big step to be honest to ourselves. Bringing mindfulness into the world is to be honest out loud. It is to be dedicated to being truthful about what's happening in the moment, and certainly not to lie, because lying takes us in the opposite direction of mindfulness practice. If Buddhist practice is a foundation of a person's life, you wouldn't want to do anything that takes you in the opposite direction. Lying closes things down. It's actually an alienating movement. Not only do we alienate ourselves from others because they can't really connect with anything deep or authentic, but we also alienate ourselves from ourselves.

However, telling the truth doesn't mean we have to tell every truth that we could possibly say. That's why the other criteria are important as well.

2. Speak What is Beneficial

We certainly want to be dedicated to saying the truth, but we also want to avoid malicious speech. The opposite of malicious speech is benevolent or beneficial speech. Is what we're going to say beneficial, or is it harmful?

Even the truth, when spoken, can be harmful to people. Sometimes truth is used as a terrible weapon. People might let the world know things that are private and confidential. There are people who have committed suicide because they were outed in some way. Someone else might have said, "I know the truth about that person," but it was very private, and there was nothing illegal or wrong with how they were. Yet they were outed, and it was devastating.

Just because we know the truth about someone, is it beneficial to say it? If telling someone a truth actually harms or hurts them a lot, maybe it is better to be quiet. Sometimes silence is the best way to communicate. Ask yourself first: Is it true? Is it beneficial? If it's not beneficial, maybe the most beneficial thing to do is to be quiet.

Or we find something else to say. Maybe there is a truth, but there are other truths that exist as well. If someone is wearing a shirt and asks what you think of it, and you think it's horrendous, that's not the truth you should say. Maybe it's completely appropriate and honest to say, "It's a wonderful color," and just leave it at that. Maybe that is enough, and the person can feel settled.

3. Speak What is Inspiring and Gentle

The next criterion the Buddha gave is to avoid speech which is harsh, and rather speak words which are inspiring and pleasing. I like very much the idea of nurturing speech—speech that supports something good and wholesome inside of us to grow and develop. Sometimes the word is translated as gentle speech, but in the explanation, they often use the word inspiration.

Maybe we are going to say the truth, and maybe we are going to say what's beneficial, but are we going to say it in a way that is harsh, or in a way that is kind, supportive, sweet, inspiring, and gentle? If we can only say it harshly because we're in a hurry or because we're grumpy ourselves, maybe we should wait. Even though it would be beneficial for the person to hear some truth or get some information, if we're not in a state to communicate it in a way that's inspiring and meaningful so it can really be heard, we might need to pause.

4. Speak What Connects People

The fourth criterion is one that I feel is very important these days: does our speech bring people together, or is it a lost opportunity with no connection? The unskillful action is usually translated as avoiding idle or pointless speech. It's not really clear how this word should be translated, but the opposite of it is speech which connects people.

Sometimes what seems like idle speech—talking about nothing in particular—has the purpose of connecting people. The conversation might have no particular charge, but people feel bonded, closer, and more connected. Conversely, we can speak pointlessly about things where people just miss each other and there's no connection at all. Divisive speech or lying also fails to make a real, valuable living connection.

How do we heal divisiveness? How do we bring people together so they're connected in friendship? They don't have to agree, but can they care for each other? Can there be a sense of kind connection between people?

This is particularly important in the political world we are in right now. In all directions, I see how easily people get evoked into anger, despair, and hostility toward other people. Hostility and anger are not useful ways of communicating if what we want as a community is to find the truth, find what's beneficial, and find what is inspiring and pleasing. If we want to find out how to come together hand-in-hand and walk this path of life together rather than being divided, how we speak to each other and about each other is really, really important. It might be the key to solving a lot of the stalemates that exist in this country.

Communication as a Practice

To come out of meditation with a meditator's reference point makes it 100% clear that we do violence to ourselves when we lie, when we speak maliciously, or when we speak harshly. When we speak in ways that disconnect us from someone else, we disconnect from ourselves, too.

Conversely, we can do something beneficial that stays close and true to the depths of who we are and the goodness we have inside. We do this when we speak the truth, when we speak beneficially, and when we speak in ways that are inspiring, polite, or caring. Most importantly, we do this when we speak in ways that connect us. Maybe very strong, difficult things need to be said, but we are saying them with an eye toward care: How can I say this to connect us together? How can we heal the divide, have reconciliation, and walk this path of life together even though we might have differences?

You don't have to do this, of course, but that is what meditation can inspire in us if we want to stay true to what we discover in it. It's reciprocal. As you begin watching and monitoring your speech, trying to find how to apply these four principles into your life, that in turn will support your meditation and help it go deeper. It creates a wonderful spiral. By being engaged in deep communication with the people around you, and being in deep communication with yourself in meditation, you will discover more and more truthfulness, beneficence, kindness, and connection in both directions. Doing that for the world outside, and doing that for ourselves to become our own best friend, are some of the beautiful things that can happen through this practice of Right Speech.

For those of you coming these next Monday mornings, we will do more of this kind of exploration. But whether you come or not, maybe you can spend the week making this one of the primary focuses of your mindfulness practice and see what you learn. Give extra time to pause, reflect, look, and track what you're saying and why you're saying it.

Ask yourself why you want to say something before you say it. Ask yourself while you're saying it: why am I saying this? And ask yourself when it's over: why did I say that? You will learn a lot about yourself, I believe, if you really explore these questions deeply.

Thank you. I appreciate the chance to teach and meditate with you here, and I look forward to our next time.