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Happy Hour: Asking for Help

Today I'd like to invite us to engage with asking for help as an expression of mettā^[1] for ourselves and for others.

Let me say a few more words about what I mean and how to consider this asking for support. Sometimes, asking for help can feel like an admission of weakness or putting a burden on someone else. We can have this delusion of independence—that we can do it all by ourselves—instead of a healthy sense of interdependence. I want to invite us to shift our perspective and consider that asking for support is not just good for us, but also good for others and for our relationships.

Let's start with others. When we ask for help, we're giving others the opportunity to be kind, to be generous, and to share their resources, time, attention, and affection. It is wonderful to be able to give and support others. If we don't give people that opportunity, we are closing ourselves off like an island, thinking, "I can do it all by myself."

Similarly, if we consider our own thinking about having a hard time asking for help, there could be many different thoughts at play. One is, "Oh, I should be able to do it by myself." But really, is it helpful to bring that "shoulding"—to should all over ourselves?

There is strength, power, and vulnerability in sharing and allowing others to support us. This is an expression of care, not just for them, but for ourselves. In that way, it shows up as mettā for ourselves. If you were your own best friend or a caring benefactor, and you saw that support would be really helpful right now, it is an expression of mettā to reach for that help in whatever way would support you.

As I mentioned earlier, it is also an expression of creating a relationship. It is giving and taking, acknowledging our interdependence in the world—that we have resources to give, and others have resources to give. It is this acknowledgment of giving and receiving instead of feeling that we are an isolated island. None of us can do it all by ourselves. We all live in this abundant generosity of the universe. Others help us, and we help them. Making this visible and opening our hearts to this giving and receiving of support can become part of the causes and conditions that make more possible in the world.

In praise of asking for help, I also want to bring in that when we ask others for support, we are giving them credit. We are acknowledging that they have resources. Maybe we reach out to a friend for their time, their care, their wisdom, their know-how, or their skills. We are acknowledging them and letting them be seen. What a beautiful gift it is to let someone be seen.

Of course, there is a lot of wisdom that comes into play here. We must be appropriate and not overwhelming with our requests, both toward ourselves and others. This is the other aspect of generosity. Just as the Buddha teaches us to be generous appropriately—not to tax ourselves or cause harm to ourselves or others when giving—the same applies in reverse. When asking for help, we keep those same principles in mind. We ask for support in a wise and caring way, acknowledging others' limitations and allowing them to decide what they can offer.

This could be a much longer discussion because there are so many caveats, but for now, let's just consider reaching for support. What are the areas in our lives where we don't reach out, where it would actually behoove us and others to acknowledge our interdependence and ask for help?

I think I've said enough. I am going to do a guided meditation. I'm sure questions will arise, and we will discuss them at the end. But for now, let's invite our minds not to get into all the caveats and the "what ifs." Try to stay with the simplicity of these reflections in ways that can be supportive for you. If there are areas where this feels unsupportive, that's okay, let it go. You don't have to get stuck in the "what ifs" right now. Just see the ways that it can be nourishing for you.

Guided Meditation

I'd like to invite you to get into your meditation posture. Ah, to arrive. To land in this body. In this moment.

Feeling the presence of this body. A sense of the weightiness of the body. The weightiness of the body sitting, present here. Feeling your uprightness and sense of agency. This fullness of heart, fullness of your presence.

Relaxing. Softening. Letting your feet, your legs be released. Their weight to be released unto the earth. Feeling stably rooted to the earth. Feeling your sit bones on the cushion or the chair. Releasing the weight of your upper body unto the earth.

And letting your heart center, the center of your emotions, release. Letting there be flow, as if there is a flowing river or flowing electricity. You're grounded, connected to the earth. Let there be flow, not stuckness.

Let there be flow through the body with the breath. Breath through the abdomen, through the chest. Releasing the upper body, releasing the shoulders, the neck, the forehead, the face.

Letting the breath move through. With each in-breath and out-breath, relaxing, calming, and energizing. Each in-breath energizing, deepening your sense of presence. Each out-breath relaxing. Feeling more here, connected to this present moment. Engaged. Training your mind, your heart to be engaged with what is here right now.

Letting go of thoughts, preoccupations, and plans. Let this moment be a treat. Let your engaging with the simplicity of this breath be a treat. Nowhere to go, nothing to do. How delicious. Just this. An act of care.

Engaging with each and every breath is an expression of care for yourself in this moment. You are showing up, taking the time, taking care. Engaging with the breath. A sense of presence right here, right now. Letting go and releasing all judgments and preoccupations as much as possible.

This showing up is an act of care. It is mettā. It is as if you are wrapping yourself in a blanket of mettā, of goodwill for yourself, by just showing up. Engaging as best as you're able to, and not judging yourself. That's enough.

Feeling your feet on the earth. Your sit bones. Feeling embodied here. Supported by yourself. Supported by your own care. How awesome is this.

If you like, you can drop this question into your heart center, into your body. Not into your head—this is not something to think about, but to feel, to see what comes up.

Acknowledging my own resourcefulness, my own power, my own agency, my own strength. Feeling your rootedness to the earth, your sit bones, your uprightness. Acknowledging my own resourcefulness, as well as my own vulnerability. The areas where I feel challenged, where I need support to fulfill my full potential in my humanity.

Dropping this question into your heart: Is there a way that I can better support myself? Be a better friend to myself? If I were asking my dear self for help, for support, what would it be? Drop it into your heart. Don't think about it. An answer might come up and be known in your body, or nothing might come up. It's okay. Let your body be a tuning fork.

How can I better love and support myself? What is the support I can ask for myself, and I can offer myself?

After dropping the question, let it go. Just breathe and listen with your heart. It works better if you don't think. If you really let go, let yourself be surprised. Try it. Soften the body, soften the mind. Release. Just receiving the breath with care and appreciation.

Let this not be an opportunity to judge yourself or find out all your shortcomings, but to acknowledge your strength, the gifts that you have, the inner wisdom, and the compassion for yourself.

Now dropping another question into your heart. Still feeling embodied, not in your head. Feeling your feet, your sit bones, your hands. Is there something in my life that I do need support with? Maybe I have a sense of shyness to ask for help, or I feel vulnerable. But it would really support me, and others that I serve, if I reached out for support in this area.

What if I opened up? Acknowledged my interdependence. Opened up to this river, this flow of giving and receiving, and asked for help. Realizing that not only would this benefit me, but likely the person who will be seen, recognized, and acknowledged for their goodness and their capacity to support me. This co-creation of good support could help others. It's bigger than me. It's not just for me. If I have the support, I can be more available and support others better.

Drop this reflection into your heart, into your body, and let yourself breathe with it. Not thinking with it, just breathe. We've already planted the seed of the reflection. Let it seep into your cells to receive the breath. Appreciate the breath. Relax. Soften. Let go. Even though it's so juicy to think, now let go. You can do it.

Asking for help or support is not just about me. It's not a selfish act. It allows us to be more, to fulfill our potential, to serve others, and to be available for others. It is impersonal. Acknowledge being part of this flow of giving and receiving. Receiving gifts, giving gifts. Meeting others' needs. It is beautiful to be acknowledged and to be vulnerable in this way. It's both personal and not personal.

Asking for help helps us, and another is fulfilled. Calling on our humanity, may all beings everywhere recognize and acknowledge that we are part of this expansive interdependence of giving and receiving help. May all beings everywhere be supported. Support others, ask for support. Towards fulfilling our full potential of awakening. May all beings be free, including ourselves.

Thank you so much for your practice everyone.

Reflections and Q&A

Nikki: We have a few minutes for reflections, questions, or comments. What might you have discovered or realized? Any "aha" moments or challenges?

As I wait, I'll share a practice report of something that came up for me. There is a sense of empowerment in recognizing areas where I shy away from asking for help or support, and realizing how it's actually impersonal. It's not about me. Asking for help supports me, and it supports others. It's such an interesting realization. It really expands my heart to see that interaction.

Madison, please.

Madison: I had a reflection and then a question. The reflection was similar to what you just said. I've never thought about the fact that when I look to myself for help, it's a way of recognizing that I have resources to give myself. I really appreciated that perspective, so thank you.

And I'm wondering—I love this framework around asking people for support because it's a way of giving them an opportunity to feel their own value, to be connected, and to do a generous act. I've been struggling with a few family members who have become very greedy around money. In the same way that I've asked for support in other forms, I think asking for money is a way of giving them an opportunity to be generous. I've never really dealt with someone like that, and I just wanted to know if you had any advice on how to work with it. Do I just be patient or continue to give them love? I'm stuck with that.

Nikki: Thank you, Madison. Thanks for both of these reflections. I want to highlight the first one—that sense of empowerment and realizing you have resources to give yourself. There is strength in that, and it's a beautiful realization to celebrate.

Regarding financial support, it is so interesting that money can bring up complications for many people, even if they have the resources. Yet, it's such a great area for practice for everyone. So, as you brought it in, it becomes a practice of inviting them and giving them the opportunity to be kind and generous. It's an invitation from your heart with that perspective.

You need to be very clear in your heart as you ask them that you are going to care for them and love them no matter what, but that you need to be clear in the ask. Maybe even say that as you sit with it in your invitation: "This is the way your support will help me, and I care for you and love you. It's not going to impact our relationship either way." You really need to be clear in your own heart, and then you give them the opportunity. They will accept it or not, or they will get entangled, and that becomes part of their practice. But as long as you have clarity of intention and love, there can be ease.

Madison: I think the dis-ease is my heart breaking over their heart closing. But connecting to the love is probably a good way to ease that feeling.

Nikki: Exactly. Connect to the love, and also connect to compassion. Especially if they do have the resources and they are getting entangled. Have compassion for them. Love them so much that your heart doesn't close if they get entangled. Love the pain they are going through. Love them even more with compassion because they're getting entangled. It's taking a bigger perspective.

Claire, I see your hand.

Claire: I just want to thank you very much because this is an area that I have been working on. I'm an only child and I grew up fiercely independent and self-reliant. As life went on and I met more unpleasant life experiences, I started to learn a little bit, but I often forget to ask for help. But what I discovered when I started doing it—and I wanted to share this with everyone—is that there are a heck of a lot of people who really like to help. It makes them happy when you ask. It's such a pleasant experience. I don't do it frivolously, but there are times that I really do need help. I'm now very comfortable knowing that if I ask the right people, they will be grateful for having been asked, and I will get the support I need. I think it's a great topic. Thank you.

Nikki: Beautiful. Thank you so much, Claire. I love that you grew up with a sense of independence, thinking "I'll do it myself," and you have taught yourself to ask. How beautiful that learning is. You are reteaching yourself your loveliness. It's like that poem—the flower that reteaches itself its own loveliness.^[2] You are teaching yourself about your interdependence.

What I so appreciate you highlighting is that yes, people love to help. It is beautiful that people are happy to help. I know for myself, when somebody asks me for support, I'm happy to support them. It is so powerful to acknowledge that.

Small Groups and Closing

Nikki: It is time to turn to small groups. The prompt is: What is an area in your life where it would help to ask for support, but you shy away from it? You can offer a small nugget, go around the group, or just offer your presence in silence and pass. Share any inspiring reflections on how you can offer support and care to each other. I'll open the rooms now.

(Group breakout sessions occur)

Nikki: Everybody's back. Are there any last-minute comments? A quick 30-second lightning round.

Nav: In our group we had this exploration of giving others the opportunity to give through asking for help. I love that reframe. It's not just asking for help; it's giving someone else an opportunity to give.

Nikki: Love it. Beautiful. What a lovely note to end on. Thank you all so much for being here, and through your presence, creating the opportunity for me to share the teachings. May all beings be well. May all beings be free, including ourselves. Take good care.