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Happy Hour: Love Heals -- Practicing Self-Compassion

Introduction

Hello everyone and welcome to Happy Hour! If you can hear me okay, give me a thumbs up, please. Fantastic. Great. We have about a minute until we formally start, so if you like to unmute yourself and say hello and where you're zooming in from, or type it in the chat, please do.

I'll start by saying I'm Nikki, and I'm in Mountain View, California, US.

"I'm Claire, I'm in New York City." Welcome, Claire.

"Hi, Marie Christine from Sydney, Australia." Welcome, Marie Christine. Good afternoon to you, and good late evening to Neil from New Hampshire. Welcome, Neil. Hi, Violet from San Francisco. Welcome, Monica in El Cerrito, California.

"Hi, I'm April, I'm in Tuscaloosa, Alabama." Welcome, April. Lovely to have you.

And there's Bill in Dallas, Texas. Welcome, Kathy from Poughkeepsie, New York. Good late evening to you, Kathy. We have Laura joining from San Francisco on YouTube. Welcome, Laura, and other folks on YouTube as well as Zoom. Oh, and Helen from Sausalito. Welcome, Helen. Fantastic.

Any other hellos? Last-minute ones before we get started? Hi, Kim. I see you're waving. I don't see everyone; I see just a small strip. I see Marie Christine from Sydney, and folks from Canada and the East Coast. I see Charles Lee and Trudy. Welcome. Charles Lee, I think you're on the East Coast, right?

"Yes, and Albuquerque, New Mexico. Southwest." Southwest, welcome! Trudy from California, and I see a bunch of other folks. This is great. I see Yuka from Singapore and other folks joining. Fantastic. Alright, let's get started formally. Ellen from Chicago on YouTube. We're in great company tonight.

So, whatever your time zone might be, I am going to get started by asking you all to mute yourself if you aren't already muted. I'll change the settings such that for the duration of the guided meditation, the chats will just come to me, and the ability to unmute oneself will go away. This is just in case we get visited by Zoom bombers, so that there's more safety and support in the container. Turning on AudioDharma and formal beginnings are preliminary practices, as they are sometimes called.

Theme: Love Heals

Welcome, everyone. A warm welcome, wherever in the world you are, whatever your background, whether you're a regular at Happy Hours or it's your first time. I'm so happy you're joining. I'm delighted to be practicing together in the sangha^[1]. You are welcome. So happy you're here, whatever your race, your nationality, your color, your sexual orientation, however you identify, or your age. I'm so happy to have such a diverse sangha from all around the world. It makes my heart happy and fills my heart with metta^[2] just sitting with you even before we start practicing.

The theme for tonight's practice is two little words: love heals. Love is this amazing healing potential that we have. For our guided practice this session, I wanted to invite us to practice love for ourselves. I invite this power of love to hold any challenge, any difficulty, any pain, any sorrow, or any suffering that we might be experiencing right now, today, or in recent times. Really invite this soothing power of love to hold and heal what needs to be healed.

Even if the transformation may not happen in this short period of our practice together, we are definitely planting seeds. We are planting seeds for healing, nourishment, and support for ourselves through our own self-love. It is a self-love that feels like it's our own, and yet there is a sense of grace, beauty, and love that pervades through this universe in a way that may not be effable. It is there if we allow our antennas to be tuned to just feel nourished, to drink from this gushing river that's healing our sorrows. Our challenges can be held; they can be moistened. It doesn't have to feel so dry and rubbing against each other.

Actually, the word dukkha^[3], which is often translated from Pali^[4] as suffering, originally meant an ill-fitting axle. From the times of the Buddha, when there was a wheel and an axle in the middle, and it didn't fit right. It was ill-fitting, there was friction, and it was bumpy. When there is a sense of dukkha—suffering—it's bumpy. Something in our lives makes us feel, Oh, we don't want it to be this way. It's hard. Why is it this way? Ah. Can we invite this feeling of love, just relaxing in the moment? Just relaxing, finding refuge in a moment of love that can be healing.

Guided Meditation

With that, I'd like to invite us all to get into our meditation posture. If you need to shift and move in order to sit up more straight, or if you need to lie down to be comfortable, that's okay too. See what your body needs right now. Decide how your body will be most supported through this practice.

Landing in this body. Landing with the breath. First and foremost, arriving. Arriving with the sensations of the body. Arriving with each breath. Receiving, relaxing the body. Relaxing the body with the next out-breath.

Receiving the breath in the abdomen. Receiving the entirety of the in-breath and the entirety of the out-breath. I'm going to invite you actually, as if you were hugging a teddy bear. Put your hands around your belly. Hugging your belly. Receiving the in-breath and the out-breath as the belly moves. Let's see how you're hugging this teddy bear that's your belly.

As if you were an expecting mother—as you've seen expecting mothers, or if you've been one—putting your hands on the top and the bottom of the belly, holding the protrusion. Doing the same. And the little unborn, beloved child you're holding is yourself. Holding with tenderness, as if your hands are empowered through healing. The tenderest touch, holding yourself.

Bringing your awareness to the sensations in your hands, your arms. Feeling the breath moving in and out. The entirety of the breath. Beginning, middle, end of the in-breath. The little pause between the in-breath and the out-breath. Feeling it all. The beginning, middle, and end of the out-breath, and the pause between the out-breath and the in-breath. Feeling that too.

Letting this gesture of holding your belly with both hands be tender, gentle. This unborn, fragile little one needing love, support, nourishment... that is you. As you continue to hold your belly with both hands, one on the bottom, one on top, imagine that these tender, loving, compassionate, soothing hands are holding not just your belly but your whole body with care.

For some people, a gentle tap is a sign of affection. Now, now, sweetie. There, there. Here, here. Experiment to see if this is a gesture that feels loving and caring for you. Or maybe just gently rubbing a little bit with your fingers up and down, whatever works for you. Or maybe just hold still.

Receiving the breath. The entire movement of the breath. Noticing that each breath calms and soothes your heart, your entire body. Received with love, with tenderness. And if thoughts are arising, visiting past or future, it's okay. It's part of this practice to learn how to work with them kindly. They're arising, smile at them. Invite them to be held, literally, as you're putting your hands on your belly. Inviting them to feel held, figuratively, in your abdomen. Be breathed. Feel embodied.

Now, if you wish, continue to hold yourself. You can stay with just holding your belly with tenderness and care. And if you wish, you can follow the next invitation to bring to mind something about your life right now that's been challenging. Maybe today, or recently. Maybe not bring up the most challenging thing, perhaps number two or three, so that there is some more stability to work with what's arising. If you're an experienced practitioner and you know your way, bringing the biggest one is okay. If you're newer to the practice, bring something a little lower on the ladder. Something that's been a little challenging or difficult for you.

With the same care that you've been holding your body, let this too be held. Maybe it brings up some sadness or tenderness to your heart. You're welcome, if you wish, to move one of your hands to the middle of your chest, to your heart center, and hold your heart tenderly with the same gesture. Leave the other hand still on the belly. Or you can leave both hands on the belly, or both on the heart. This session is a visceral one, really working with holding ourselves. Literally holding ourselves can be such a powerful gesture.

Holding your heart. Holding yourself with what's arising, with tenderness, with care. Oh sweetie, this has been challenging. This has been hard. I know. I'm here for you. I hold you with care, with love. Not with self-judgment, just with care. Acknowledging how difficult it's been.

If anyone else was in your situation. If anyone else had the same background, same experiences, the same causes and conditions in life—if they met this challenge, they too would be feeling the same way. It would have been challenging. It's challenging for anyone, for any human being. Just like me, others would have been challenged, sad, hurt, suffered. And my challenge, the way I suffered, experienced pain or sadness, is just like anyone else.

So many human beings in the world have probably experienced something similar to this pain at some point. Maybe there are human beings right now, somewhere in the world, who are experiencing just this. I'm not alone. I'm not alone in this heaviness, this challenge. I hold my heart. I hold myself with love, with kindness, with tenderness. Just holding with love, without expecting or wanting any outcome. Just holding with love.

As if my hand, in a gesture of care and soothing love, weren't just touching my heart, but the hearts of many other beings in the world. Traveling in space, maybe in time, touching their hearts. Another being, another age, another race, another nationality, language, maybe with the same or similar challenge. Touching their heart. I understand. Me too. You too, sibling, friend. May you be free from this sorrow. May you be free from this pain. May you have ease with this challenge.

Touching your heart, holding with care. As if you're holding many hearts with love and care, resonating with the same challenge. You can just hold without words, just holding with love, with care. Or if you wish to use phrases of compassion, you can use them. I'll offer a couple of them again:

May I have ease. May I have peace with this challenge, with this sorrow, with this pain. May I be free from this challenge, sorrow, pain, suffering.

Whatever words you like to choose. Or you can let it be wordless, just holding yourself. Holding others, holding all of you, all of us. See what works best for you.

Holding with love, with care, with tenderness. As if you're holding a tender newborn, or not-yet-born little being. May I have ease in the midst of this challenge. I hold myself with care, with understanding. May I have ease. May I have peace with the sorrow, with this challenge, with this pain. May I be free from the suffering. I care for my own challenge, for my own pain. I appreciate myself as I work with this challenge. I care for myself as I work with this challenge.

If you find your mind wanders, gently invite it to come back to the body. To your abdomen, to your breath, to your heart. To the warmth and care and love of holding yourself.

And for the last moments of this practice period, holding yourself with deep appreciation and love for having practiced. For having shown up, regardless of attachment to the outcome. For whatever arose or did not arise. Even if the mind was distracted or sleepy, it doesn't matter. You showed up, holding your heart. Thank you, me. Thank you. I appreciate the inner goodness, the intentionality to have showed up and to have planted seeds. That's all, planting seeds. Trusting that.

May our planting of seeds support healing, ease, happiness, joy, and goodness for ourselves and all beings everywhere.

Reflections and Q&A

Thank you for your practice, Happy Hour Sangha. Thank you deeply. I'll change the chat settings. If you'd like to share any reflections or questions from what you experienced, you can type them in the chat or you can raise your blue hand and I can ask you to unmute.

One thing that I'll share is it's so powerful to make physical contact with ourselves. Putting a hand on our heart center, and our belly—which you can't see, but my other hand is on my belly—there's something very soothing and healing about this. Especially at the beginning when I invited you to put both hands on your belly as if you're holding your belly. The sense of calming and soothing for me in practicing with you was profound to reconnect with. Many people practice self-compassion holding one hand on their belly and one hand on their heart. If you go to meditation retreats, it's very common to see people sitting like that, just holding themselves with challenges that come up.

Gaiuing asks: "What is the difference between self-love and self-compassion?" Excellent question. Love, or the word for love, metta—when love meets suffering, it gets expressed as compassion. One way that it is said (and I don't know who originated it to give them credit) is that compassion is the love child of metta and suffering. The difference between self-love and self-compassion is that self-love is just when you're holding yourself with care: May I be safe, may I be happy, may I be well. If that love then meets something that's really challenging—as I was inviting you specifically tonight to bring up something challenging—then it becomes a practice of self-compassion. Then it's no longer self-metta, it becomes self-compassion.

We have a couple of comments on YouTube. Charles Lee, who was on Zoom and had to hop on YouTube, says, "Oxytocin." Yes, exactly! And Susan says, "Missing you all in Zoom. Schedule conflict, but with you in spirit." Lovely.

Any other reflections you'd like to share from your practice? What came up for you?

April offers, "To meet my pain with care and compassion." Lovely, beautiful. And how did that feel, April? Would you like to say more?

April: "Yeah, it's a way to undo the conditioning of meeting my pain with frustration and impatience. And being like, Oh, why do I feel like this? Why is this here? What did I do wrong? And then it was like, well, pain is kind of inevitable, so maybe if I started meeting it with compassion and understanding, that would be better."

Nikki: Beautiful. My eyes are getting moist hearing you talk about your practice, April. Thank you for sharing that. Beautifully said.

Robin offers on YouTube, "Very healing, thank you." You're welcome, Robin. Neil says, "The meditation was sweet, tender, and nurturing." Ah, lovely. I'm glad that's how it felt for you.

Just to share one more reflection on what April brought up, which is such a wise observation: we often meet our suffering with judgment. Like, Can you do this better? Come on, get it together. We don't recognize, Oh, I'm hurting. This is hard. The moment that we actually recognize that there is suffering and meet it with kindness, it can heal. Whatever it is that we're having a challenge with, we can actually meet it with more ease instead of beating ourselves down so much that it's even hard to meet it.

Jesse offers, "Thank you for your lovely meditation tonight. I'm following your guidance lately and finding that focus on my abdomen allows me to become embodied quicker than focusing on the breath. I'm just wondering when you find yourself using breathwork..."

Nikki: I didn't quite get the last part, Jesse, so I'm going to ask you to unmute yourself. Jesse: "Hi. I'm just wondering when you use or do meditations where you focus more on your breath, and if that's for concentration, or when you personally find yourself doing that." Nikki: Actually, it's interesting. I don't see a dichotomy between breath and the abdomen. When I invite feeling the abdomen, it's feeling the breath in the abdomen versus, say, the chest, or nostrils, or the whole body breathing. Jesse: "Yeah, I guess I meant specifically the nose." Nikki: Yeah, this tends to bring up more thoughts and more thinking when the attention is here, but when it's in the abdomen, it's more calming, settling, and soothing. Both can lead to states of concentration, but this tends to be a little harder. So if you're really trying to ground yourself—especially these days with COVID^[5] and all the challenges—my invitation would be to be lower in the body, be embodied. Later, when one is a more experienced practitioner and really getting the lay of the land, then kind of like a harmonica, you can move up and down. How's that? Jesse: "That's great. So do you end up focusing on total body awareness? It's all sort of connected at a certain point." Nikki: It really depends on the particular practice. If I'm specifically teaching someone about deep states of concentration and jhānas^[6], and it's specifically appropriate to focus here, it makes sense. But generally, I would suggest the abdomen.

I'm looking at the clock, and I want to make sure we have time for practice meetings. Bill also says, "I've also found that focusing on the stomach breathing has been helpful." Yes, it can be very calming.

Let's go into practice meetings. The invitation for tonight is to hold yourself and each other with compassion. As if you are touching each other, holding yourself and holding each other with care. Human beings just like you who are suffering, or suffering just like you—we're not so different at all.

[Breakout sessions occur]

Great, okay, all rooms are closed. Everybody is back. I would love to hear a reflection if you want to raise your hand. While you do that, there was a reflection on YouTube by Robert, who offered, "It gave me a little relief as I'm going through the pain of a breakup as well as the recent passing of my mother. I feel more relaxed now. Thank you." Thank you, Robert. May you have ease with your pain and suffering.

Claire, do you have a question? Claire: "I was going to say before we went to break, I was thinking about the kind of breathing you do for when you're delivering a baby. There's a lot of correlation or crossover between what you do to ease the physical pain of childbirth using breath." Nikki: Yeah, it is similar. And I also want to highlight that there is a significant difference, which I'm so glad you bring up. One significant difference, which also shows up in yoga, is that there's a lot of intentional breathing in the belly. Whereas in mindfulness, in metta, in this practice that we do, it's not intentional breathing. It's natural breathing. It's just bringing attention to a particular part of the body, but letting the breath be natural. That's a very important difference. In Theravada^[7] and other Buddhist traditions, you don't try to control the breath, whereas in pranayama^[8], you do.

Gita, I see that your hand is up. Please, one last comment. Gita: "I just wanted to call to Robert's comments on this. My mom passed away too a few years ago, and through the meditation, I actually found I had a felt sense of connection. We discussed it in our group too... that a mother often symbolizes this innate safety that maybe many of us are after. It is only coming from connecting with ultimately oneself and showing up for oneself. So that was very special, and thank you for that." Nikki: Beautiful. Thank you for that, Gita, and for bringing that in.

And the last comment, Sasha says, "I had a stomach ache at the start, and now it's feeling better." Oh, that's sweet. So healing. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, healing with love.

I thank you all for showing up and for practicing. Not just for yourself, but for all those whose lives yours touches. May you all be safe, happy, and well, and may your lives, your hearts brim with love for yourselves and others.

Thank you, everyone. Take good care. Have a good week! See you on Wednesday.

[Cacophony of Goodbyes] "Bye!" "Thank you, Nikki." "Thank you all." "Bye."