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Listening Deeply to Help Us Find our Way

Maybe I would like to say something here at the beginning to express my solidarity with Black Lives Matter. I also want to say that I'm finding my way with this: what to share and how to talk about it in a way that's helpful and supportive. One thing that I'll share now is that I'm discovering—I think probably as all of us know—that deep listening is an integral part for all of us to find our way. We need to listen deeply, not just in some casual, offhand way, but to listen in a way that helps support our finding a way forward. When we hear the news, of course, there's this natural idea of, "What can I do? What can I do that can make a difference?" This is one thing we can do: we can listen deeply to others, and we can listen deeply to ourselves.

What do I mean by this idea of listening deeply? We could make the distinction that listening is a little bit different than hearing. Listening is more of an active, deliberate activity—something that we turn our ear toward in some kind of way. Whereas hearing doesn't require any effort; it just happens. In fact, I don't even know if it's possible to not hear, provided we have working ears. The distinction between hearing and listening is that hearing is just the sounds mechanically hitting our ears, whereas listening is more of an intentional activity, something that we are turning toward or placing our attention on.

Noticing the difference between these two activities—between hearing and listening—can be a great support, not only for deep listening, which I'm going to talk about, but also just to gain some awareness or familiarity with the different ways attention works. There might be a more receptive way where we're just hearing, and then there can be a more focused way where we're listening. Of course, we just go back and forth, naturally, without any effort, but it's helpful to notice that our attention has a number of different modes in which it works.

Noticing the distinction between hearing and listening is similar to the distinction between seeing and looking. The physical parts are still the same between hearing and listening, and seeing and looking, but it's what the mind is doing. It's how we're using attention. Having this distinction between hearing and listening allows us to choose one over the other.

Deep listening is a way that we can show up for others. We can listen in a way that shows respect and care so that others feel seen and heard. I think we all have the experience of somebody who's not really paying attention to us. Maybe we're on the phone, and they're preoccupied doing something. We don't know what they're doing, but maybe they just respond with "uh-huh," "yeah," or "hmm" on occasion. Contrast that with when we feel like somebody is really paying attention to us, looking at us directly. We feel like, "Oh, okay, this person is really paying attention." It's a very different experience. To listen deeply is to allow others to have that experience of really being heard, or maybe even being seen, as the case may be if you're doing it in person.

We listen deeply not only so others can feel like they're being heard, but so that we can hear what they're really saying. Of course, there's hearing what the actual words are, but also hearing what is not being said—what's between the lines, what is underneath what's being said, and importantly, what's not being said. If we're just casually listening, we might just hear the words and not really hear what's underneath. There's this stereotypical thing somebody might say: "Do I look okay wearing these clothes?" Of course, the response is, "Yes, you look fine, you look lovely," whatever the response might be. But if we're listening deeply, we might hear that underneath that is a question: "Do you still love me?" or "I feel nervous about this outing we're about to do this evening." There's a whole number of different things that could be underneath this.

To listen deeply is to hear part of what we think is underneath there. We might not know until we engage or listen a little more fully. Deep listening is hearing what's being said in addition to just the words, and maybe engaging the person from that place—to have an openness and gentle inquiry. "What are the needs that are being expressed by this person?" We ask this so that we might understand them better and show up for them in a way that is supportive and helpful. This is not only for that individual but for our relationship, even if it's just a casual relationship. Not that we have to have deep, intimate relationships with everybody we meet, but we can treat everybody with respect and be able to hear what they're really saying.

Some of the qualities of deep listening include being generous. That is, giving people the benefit of the doubt if we're not quite understanding. Sometimes we hear people say something wrong, or they mix words. They say the word "red" when they were just earlier making the distinction between red and blue, and we just give them the benefit of the doubt that they probably meant the blue one when they were talking about the red one. That's a silly example, but it's important to give them the benefit of the doubt and to be generous in our assumptions about the needs underneath what they're saying. We must also be generous with our time, really paying attention to what they're saying as opposed to looking at our watches, literally or figuratively.

Part of being generous when we're listening deeply to others is having trust—trust that whatever others are saying, whether they're articulating it well or poorly, comes from something that's true in their experience. Have the generosity of spirit to trust that they are trying to express a need or something true in their experience. We can come from that place, as opposed to thinking, "Oh, I already know what you're saying, and I don't really need to pay attention anymore," or being dismissive of what they're saying ("Surely they don't have those feelings; they can't be afraid of spiders—they are just these little creatures with six legs; it's silly"). Instead, we actually have this trust that, yes, they are talking about something they're afraid of. Even if we don't share this fear of spiders, it comes from their experience.

Deep listening also involves having some empathy—feeling what they're feeling without getting lost in it. We can still maintain balance and see the bigger picture, but still feel like, "Yes, I can see that if you have a fear of spiders, it is difficult to go into the room where they are." There are so many things that we're afraid of. I'm using spiders because it's a stereotypical one, but you can insert whatever fear somebody close to you has that you don't quite understand. Maybe you have some of your own fears that you don't understand. For me, I have to say with spiders, I'm getting much better, but I still have a little bit of unease.

Without getting overwhelmed, without getting out of balance, can we have empathy for what others are expressing? Can we have empathy for what they're sharing, even if it doesn't seem like the same level of concern for us? In this way, we can create a sense of safety for them, allowing them to find their way with what they're sharing with us.

This is what we really want: deep listening that is supportive and allows others to find their way. I think we all have this experience of maybe not understanding ourselves or our own thinking until we find ourselves talking about it. Here at IMC^[1], we often encourage people to get into small breakout rooms and discuss a topic on Zoom. This is with the recognition that sometimes it isn't until you speak about things that your thoughts get collected or organized. Maybe you hadn't even put energy toward your thinking. Deep listening helps create the conditions in which others can speak in a way that feels supportive. They might find some new understanding or a way forward that they hadn't seen before, or maybe greater self-understanding. Or maybe just a simple moment of ease, like, "Yes, this person hears me and sees me."

Part of deep listening can be asking honest questions. By honest questions, I mean questions where you really don't know the answer, and they're intended to help the other person. An honest question could be something like, "What have you done other times when you felt this way?" Since I just saw a spider recently, I'll use the spider example. "What have you done in the past when there was a really big spider that you felt some unease around?" As opposed to a question like, "Don't you think you're a little bit old to be afraid of spiders?" or "How much bigger do you think you are than spiders?" An honest question is an open question, as opposed to a question that has an agenda, is a little bit manipulative, or carries a little bit of shaming in it. Asking honest questions allows people to draw on some wisdom or experience that they have, or to draw them out of their immediate experience if it's a troubling one.

I know it can be easy to think that being a deep listener means you have to be hanging on every word that they're saying and really taking it in. I read an article about listening, and they had a great analogy. They said that instead of thinking you have to be a great sponge and absorb whatever the other person is saying, it's better to be a trampoline. Be a place where somebody can bounce ideas off of, where they feel safe to explore some new things or new thinking if they want to. Just like a trampoline allows somebody to bounce and jump higher, being a deep listener allows the other person to reach new heights, so to speak. They can try new things that you can't do when you're not on a trampoline—maybe do some flips.

I like this idea of being a trampoline because it's also not so passive. We have a whole range of conversations. Some of them are just with the person delivering our food or groceries, or the person handing us our goods when we're shopping. Maybe we're not bringing all these aspects of deep listening to them. Maybe we're just listening to what somebody on the TV says on the news, or an interview with somebody. We also have partners, family members, or people that we care about. We have a whole range of conversations and different ways we can show up with our listening.

Part of what deep listening is about is being present and cluing into what's appropriate for whatever interaction we're having, as opposed to having this automatic response for everybody. For some conversations, it's appropriate to just say, "How are you?" "Fine." Maybe in that interaction, the person asking was just engaging in social niceties, not real conversation. But there are times when people are asking, and there's a sense of care and really wanting to know. So, when people are asking us how we are, we listen to know what type of conversation is appropriate.

Listening to Ourselves

We must also listen to ourselves to know what kind of conversation is appropriate for us right now. Can we listen deeply to ourselves if we are in a conversation or about to start one? Can we feel the impact of what others are saying in ourselves? We feel our feelings without being dismissive of them. At the same time, if our intention is to really show up for the person we're conversing with, can we have respect for our experience? Can we bring our attention back to the conversation, back to what the other person is saying?

It involves this going back and forth, checking in with ourselves. Deep listening to others doesn't mean that we completely abandon ourselves; we can do deep listening for ourselves, too. Rather than drifting off in thought or completely disconnecting from the other, we can listen to ourselves. This is the foundation for empathy—feeling what the other is feeling without getting overwhelmed or out of balance.

Part of deep listening to ourselves is gently inquiring: "What are our intentions? Are we aware of our intentions? What is underneath our listening? Are we listening just so we can get our needs met? Are we listening just trying to find that opening when they finish saying what they're going to say?" Our intentions are rarely pure; they're often a mixture. But the more we become aware of what they are, the more we can align ourselves with those intentions that are deeper and sustaining, as opposed to falling prey to our conditioning.

We all have this conditioning of wanting to be right, wanting to get our way, wanting to be viewed positively, and wanting to remain comfortable. If we allow those to be the most important intentions that we have, and we aren't listening to our deeper intentions of wanting to care for and support others, then we won't be listening deeply. We will be dismissive of others, or we will interrupt others and not give them the space to say what they need to say.

If we want to be part of the solution and work together with others, and if we want our actions and words to be born out of our wisdom and compassion, part of listening deeply is listening to our intentions. It is gaining familiarity with our intentions so we can tune into those that are helpful and supportive, without disowning or squashing parts of ourselves. We honor the intentions that we know from our own experience are onward leading and arise out of wisdom.

Of course, listening deeply to ourselves includes noticing any unconscious bias we might have. What are the ways in which we might be unknowingly harming others? We don't intend to, but listening to ourselves is a way to just notice: are there ways that our conditioning is influencing the way we show up for others? Can we make space for the pain and maybe even the horror if we discover that we have unknowingly caused harm to another with our speech, or maybe by not listening deeply—by being dismissive and not really hearing what they were saying, thinking that we knew better, or not caring enough to really listen?

Can we make space for that without suppressing or disowning it? As best we can, can we hold it with tenderness and listen to our own experience, not in a way that we become overly self-involved, especially if we're still in conversation with somebody? Part of listening deeply is listening to others and listening to ourselves, including some of these painful things.

Deep Listening as a Mindfulness Practice

Deep listening is a mindfulness practice. When we're listening and notice that our mind has wandered, we gently bring our attention back to what the other person is saying. Or, if we're doing deep listening to ourselves, we come back to our own experience. In some ways, deep listening is an embodied experience in the same way that mindfulness is an embodied experience—we are completely here with what's happening.

Practicing listening is a way that can support our mindfulness practice. We can be really present for what other people are saying, for their words as well as what's not being said. Also, when we're in conversations, we can intentionally choose when to speak and when to listen. Being present for our conversations and not just following our habits into speaking more is another aspect of mindfulness. Noticing if we have this compulsion to interrupt is a great mindfulness practice. We choose when we're going to speak and allow some space—maybe a little bit of silence—allowing everybody in the conversation to check in with themselves.

A big part of mindfulness practice is becoming more aware of our inner experience. I spoke earlier about knowing our intentions, which is a big part of our inner experience, but mindfulness practice is also about learning our thoughts and our emotional life in ways that can really support us. Mindfulness practice can support our listening, but in some ways, listening and mindfulness are the same. It's just noticing what's happening with ourselves and noticing what's happening with others.

In this way, we can be part of the change we wish to see in the world. We can help others feel respected, seen, and heard. We can allow voices that perhaps haven't had an opportunity to be heard clearly before to be deeply listened to. And we can listen to ourselves with warm-heartedness, spaciousness, and kindness, so that together we can find our way forward. Together, we can end the oppression and these terrible injustices that are happening. May our practice together support all beings without exception. Thank you.