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Happy Hour: Non-Harming as the Basis for Metta

Introduction

So for the theme for tonight, I'd like to invite us to continue our exploration with the theme of what's called the paramis^[1], or the 10 perfections, or the 10 beautiful qualities, and metta. So metta, loving-kindness, friendliness, cultivating a friendly attitude, goodwill towards ourselves, towards others. Actually, metta is one of the items on the list, on these 10 perfections, 10 beautiful qualities that the Buddha invites us to cultivate. So metta is one of them, and we first explored the relationship between metta and patience, which is another beautiful quality and patience as a strength, a few weeks ago. And actually, not a few weeks ago, just last week, we explored the relationship between metta and patience.

And the last couple of times we explored the relationship between metta and generosity, dana, which is another item on the list. And one time we explored generosity as metta. Another time we explored metta as generosity and really felt into the different qualities, that entering from one direction gets you to one place, and the other direction feels a little different. It's just these very nuanced qualities. It's fun to explore. Not mentally, not thinking about it, not writing an essay about it, but kind of exploring like, "Oh wow, that's what it feels like." And we all know what it feels like already.

So, for tonight, continuing this exploration, this playful discovery that we're all doing together. Another one of the items on the list of 10 perfections, the paramis list, is sila^[2], translated as ethical qualities or values. And sometimes if we translate it as ethics, you know, some people kind of seize up like, "Ethics? Okay, now I have to be really serious." Ethics, values, whereas the way I like to invite us to relate to it is through the door of the simple precepts in Buddhism, the five precepts. Not killing, not taking what is not offered. In short, not stealing, not engaging in our sexuality in ways that are harmful for ourselves and others. Right speech, not engaging in falsehood or harmful speech, and not engaging in intoxicants.

So these five seems like it's a lot there, but basically what's common to these five ethical qualities, ethical trainings, is the aspect of non-harming. Just non-harming, going through the world with the intention not to harm yourself and not to harm others. So what they have in common is non-harming, this quality of not causing harm. So let's relate to that in a very simple way. We don't wake up in the morning, none of us wake up in the morning saying, "Okay, today I'm going to cause some harm to myself and to others." Right? So that quality of not wanting to cause harm, not wanting to cause harm to ourselves and to others as a part of this ethical quality, as a part of sila, as a part of this value that we try to express in the world by not stealing and not killing, not causing harm, not speaking falsely, but not causing harm. So non-harming, ahimsa^[3], not causing harm. So that is the quality, that is the aspect, that's the perspective which I invite us to explore tonight with respect to metta, with respect to goodwill, kindness.

Because as we will explore, you'll discover for yourself, metta, goodwill, kindness, friendliness, is synonymous, is actually taking it one state, one bar higher than non-harming. So these are the invitations tonight, and not to get heady about it. I'm just trying to set up the stage, but we'll explore tonight. We'll see what are the similarities, in what ways. Oh yeah, metta rests on sila, rests on non-harming. You can't wish someone well. You can't wish yourself well if you have an intention to harm. It just doesn't work. So there is a quality of non-harming in metta, and metta, goodwill, the quality of cultivating goodwill for ourselves and for others, it strengthens, it brings up this quality of non-harming. You don't want to harm anyone that you have kindness, you have well-wishing for. And if that person is yourself, you don't want to harm yourself. If you really, really care for this being who is you, you don't want to harm yourself with self-judgment, and beating yourself up, and demeaning yourself, and telling yourself you're terrible and stupid. They just don't quite work. They're at odds with each other.

So that's the invitation for our exploration. So now I'm going to ask you to let go of all the words, all the concepts. Oh, let go of all the concepts and we're just going to meditate together and see what comes up. It's all good.

Guided Meditation

[Sighs] So letting go of all the words, settling, settling in your seat, settling in your chair, settling in your cushion. If you need to move so that you're more comfortable, this is a great time to do that. And if you need to lie down, that's okay, too. See what this body needs in this moment.

[Sighs] And landing, landing in this body. Landing in this body with a sense of integrity, with a sense of care and with a wish not to harm, to be of benefit. And see what it feels like as you sit, as you relax and soften your body. If you land, if you land in this wish, in this container, as if you were landing in a warm bath. Ah, feeling held. Feeling held by a wish for not causing harm to yourself. And maybe even taking it one step further. Ah, the wish to be of benefit. The wish to be of benefit to yourself.

And not thinking about it conceptually so much, but just landing, landing physically, as if you were sitting in a bath that was beneficial, healing, safe, soothing. Inviting all your muscles to relax in these safe, healing waters. Depending on the temperature where you are, could be a warm bath or a cool bath. Whatever is most called for in this moment feels most healing, supportive, calming. Letting yourself relax. Inviting this body to soften as it feels soaked.

Ah [sighs] as it feels soaked in these healing, safe, beneficial waters. If there are any aches or pains in your muscles, ah, seeing them relaxed, softened. Letting the breath move freely in the body, expansively in your abdomen, in your chest. Each breath being breathed on its own, just for a few minutes as we soak. Let your body soak and let the breath move. [Sighs] Enjoying, relishing, calming, soothing. Each muscle giving up the tension it's holding. Your face, your forehead, your eyes, your chin, your cheeks, your jaw. All relaxing, softening. Neck, shoulders, arms, hands, chest, abdomen. Ah, sitbones. Upper legs, lower legs, and feet. Entire body relaxed, [sighs] softened just a little more at the end of the next outbreath.

And if there are thoughts arising, it's okay. It's part of this practice. Simply notice that they're arising. You're not doing the practice wrong. Maybe playfully invite the thoughts to soak with you in these beneficial, healing waters, the spa. Offer up the thinking, the thoughts, to the water in a very friendly way.

And I like to invite you, if you wish, to bring to mind someone who is dear to you. A very good friend, benefactor, maybe a teacher, a parent, or maybe a child, someone you care about, maybe a pet, someone who's really easy for you to feel warmth, care, appreciation, metta, goodwill towards. Someone whom you think of, when you think of them, you just maybe have a sense of safety that comes over you, maybe a smile shows up. You wish them well naturally. You want them to be happy. You care for them. They're dear to you. This being is dear to you.

It's good to choose someone with whom you have an uncomplicated relationship first. Just simple, not too many chores or expectations. Choosing someone, some being doesn't matter for this exercise. Don't feel like you're leaving other people out. You can practice with them later. It's all good. Just selecting some being. Bringing a felt sense, an image of this being to your mind's eye. Imagining as if they were in front of you. Seeing them maybe talking or if it's a child maybe seeing them jumping up and down, doing their thing. Just getting a sense really, as much as you can, a sense of this individual, this being that is them, their uniqueness. Notice what comes. What feelings arise for you? Could be delight, could be happiness, could be a smile, a sense of warmth.

And see if from this feeling, this gentle sense of appreciation, metta, goodwill that you have for this being, just radiate it simply perhaps with some of the phrases of metta, wishing them well. I'll offer the traditional phrases. You're invited to keep their felt sense, their image up. It's number one. Number two, see what felt sense comes up in your body, in your heart. And number three, from the felt sense, let the phrases flow just to get the metta going.

Here we go. May you be safe, dear one. May you be safe. I wish you safety. Keeping their image up. Felt sense. Wishing them safety. I hope you're safe.

Second metta wish. May you be happy. May you be happy, dear one.

The third wish, may you be healthy. I wish you health, dear one. Dear so-and-so. You can say their name.

The fourth wish. May your life flow with ease. May you have ease. May you have peace, dear. Keeping their image up, felt sense.

May you be safe. May you be safe from inner and outer harm, dear one. Maybe imagining that your words, your wishes shine, your good wishes embrace this being you care about.

May you be happy. May you be happy and have joy in your heart, dear one. Imagining them happy, wishing them happiness.

May you be healthy, dear one. May you be healthy and strong as much as possible. I wish you health. Connecting with the wish for health for this being. You care for them. You want them to be healthy. Sharing your goodwill.

I wish you ease, dear one. May your life unfold with so much ease, peace.

For a minute or two in silence on your own keeping their image up, the felt sense, the wishes for metta. Keep it going to really have a felt sense of goodwill and care showering this being, your wishes of goodwill and care for them generously. Whatever phrases you want to use, it's fine.

And now I'd like to invite you as you're wishing them well, I want to invite you to shift your perspective for a moment. Shifting your perspective so that you're looking at yourself through their eyes. Not through your eyes, but through their perspective. How they see you, how this being sees you, the care they have for you, the love, the respect, the appreciation, how they see you. Maybe they look up to you, the way they hold you dear. They care for you. This could feel tender at times. Let it be. It's okay. Let yourself be seen through the eyes of love, eyes of care, through loving eyes. Don't get in your own way. Let yourself see your own beauty, your own loveliness that they see. What do they see? They see loveliness. They see goodness, something that brings their heart to the generosity of care and love. Blossoms their heart into care for you.

Letting yourself receive as much as possible. And if it's challenging, it's okay, too. It's okay. May not be easy. Let yourself receive as much as possible their care, their goodwill, their love, their warmth for you. Let yourself soak it in. Soak it up. And as if they were saying the phrases of metta to you, let yourself receive them.

Imagining they are saying, "May you be safe." May you be safe, dear one. Receive it. Let it land. Safety. Wish for my safety. May I be safe. May I be safe.

And now see them wishing you happiness. May you be happy. May you be joyful, dear one. Now receiving and letting it land. Ah. Wow. Letting this wish for my own happiness land in my bones. May I be happy. May I enjoy a joyous heart. I wish for my own happiness too.

The third wish of metta through their eyes looking at you wishing you may you be healthy. They want you to be healthy. May you be healthy, dear one, beloved one. May you be healthy. Ah, from your own perspective receiving that wish for your own health. May I be healthy. May I be healthy and strong. May this body of mine enjoy health. [Sighs] Letting the wish land as much as possible, soaked into your bones.

The last wish of metta. Through their eyes, they look at you and they wish you ease. May you have so much ease and peace in your life, dear one. They wish for you easefulness with all their heart, and let yourself receive it. Ah, [sighs] just as they wish for me, I too wish for myself. I let land peace and ease. I wish for peace and ease. See what it feels like if you let it land in your body, in your heart. Ease, peace, receiving the good wish, the goodwill.

Now, I'd like to invite you to continue to see this dear being in front of you giving you metta as they share their care for you, you can see yourself through their eyes. Then coming back to your own perspective, receiving the goodwill, the care, letting it land.

And now holding them also in your care and your goodwill, with appreciation, with your love, with your warmth, wishing them well. Both metta given and received. Giving and receiving sitting in this field of metta. Kindness, goodwill received, love received, love given, care given, warmth, goodwill, good wishes, whatever nuance works for you tonight with this being. Breathing in this field for a moment in your mind's eye seeing them right in front of you.

And now with our exploration, if you wish, you can stay with us here in this field of metta. And now I'd like to invite you to have a felt sense, perhaps not intellectually but in your body, that sitting in this field of metta, care for yourself and for this being, if you caused harm to this being, how that would feel. Completely opposite metta and how it would feel like you're harming yourself. How you would hurt yourself, how it would feel like pain for you if you hurt this being by stealing something they cared for, harming them physically. In so many different ways through your speech. See how this sense of causing harm, a lack of virtue, lack of sila feels painful. Can feel painful. How your mind recoils, how it feels painful to you, causing harm to this being you care about, you're holding with metta.

Ah, you can let that go if it was too painful to imagine hurting this person that you care for. And just come back to the field of metta if you wish. Just feeling, receiving, giving care to this dear being, this dear one. Noticing how the foundation of non-harming, not harming them, the foundation of not harming them and not harming yourself. This wish for non-harming is the basis, the foundation for goodwill. Not intellectually, but if you can feel into it, of course, you don't want to harm this being. You don't want to harm yourself. Ah, how goodwill seems like a restful, soft, warm expansion on the wish for non-harming.

And now one last experiment. I'd like to invite you to bring in a neutral being. Someone you don't really know well, but maybe someone working at a grocery store, coffee shop, a neighbor. And now substituting, as if a bait and switch. Now they're sitting in front of you where this dear being was sitting in front of you. And this being is just like your dear being in a way. They're a human being. People care about this being. They're the object of someone's affection. They care about other beings. Just like you, just like other beings, just like your dear being, this person wants to be happy and not suffer. So if there could be a sense of goodwill, friendliness, neighborliness, the same way you would say hi to a neighbor. "Hi, I don't want to harm you."

Feeling the sense of the wish for non-harming for this being, for this human being just like you, and the sense of friendliness and goodwill as another layer, as an enlivened layer on top of the wish for non-harming. If you can tune into the frequencies slightly being different.

[Music and bell]

Reflections

Thank you all for joining this exploration together. If you'd like to share any reflections that are coming up for you, you're welcome to unmute yourself or type it in chat.

Ah, thank you, Kayn, appreciating, expressing your appreciation for the cultivation of this lovely community. Thank you, Kayn, for being a part of it, co-creating this lovely community.

So one thing that came up for me while guiding this meditation is really how the felt sense of how the wish for non-harming is both the basis for metta and also when there is metta, really physically I was feeling, as I was inviting you to imagine causing harm, just physically "ouch," there's a sense of pain to myself feeling causing harm to the other person. And if we had had more time we could have explored other categories, but that's all the time we had. Any reflections you would like to offer or a word what came up for you?

Yeah, thank you. Now the pain of past actions that were done in ignorance. Yeah, I really appreciate that sense of humility of seeing that, and this also sense of forgiveness practice to do with that. Because when we have a sense of metta for ourselves and others, hurting them is like hurting ourselves, and that's one way the practice can really deepen. I really appreciate that reflection.

Bill offers, "Love arising." Yeah. Megan offers, "Remembering how sila is the source of beauty." Beautiful. I appreciate that. Thank you. Yeah.

Thank you all for your reflections. Kathleen offers, "Wonderful opening into something different by juxtaposing these two practices. Grateful." Thank you, Kathleen. Yeah. These different nuances arise. Yeah. And really exploring the relationship between metta and sila and non-harming is such a rich one. I think we just scratched the surface tonight and you can see how this can be such a deepening experience and how, as the practice deepens and a sense of care for all beings arises, of course a sense of ethics and sila and not wanting to hurt other beings is woven into that.

Yeah, Liz offers from YouTube, "The thought that non-harming is the basis of metta. I hadn't considered that before." I'm glad this is a new invitation to explore these. We're exploring the 10 paramis. And just to say this is from my own practice. So this is not something that I've seen other teachers teach. I'm discovering this for myself from my own practice, from my own experience exploring the 10 paramis, metta, and it seems really juicy in this way to explore it with all of us.

Sylvie offers, "I love the shift in perspective." Yeah, I'm glad. Yeah, I think that aspect was fun too. It was really touching for me doing that with you.

So, thank you all for all your reflections. So, let's bring this sense of non-harming now and metta for ourselves and for others to small group practice sessions. And it's really not what you say. The prompt is always the same: "How was this practice?" You can say, "I fell asleep. I didn't like it." Doesn't matter. "I loved it. I became enlightened in the past 30 minutes." You know, whatever you say. It's more how you hold yourself. How you hold yourself with non-harming intentions, with metta and you hold others. You offer that and see what that feels like. A shift in perspective that you bring in from that stance and not trying to impress anyone, not trying to sound any particular way. So, I'm going to create the breakout rooms. They're of size three or two. And here we go.

... Okay. Welcome back. And if you'd like to share since we have a little time, please share some reflections. Don't be shy. Unmute yourself. Go.

Student: This experience for me was, it was very powerful. I've done guided meditations before and for some reason I was able to connect and visualize really well, but it was a good experience. Thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: Great. Thank you so much, Bill, for sharing that. Really appreciate how powerful it was. Do you want to say anything more about what particularly felt powerful about it? You don't have to, but...

Student: I was just able to visualize my friend and kind of see things from her point of view and it just worked for me.

Nikki Mirghafori: Nice. Got it. So I hear the aspect that was really powerful for you was the perspectives and really visualizing your friend and their perspective. Wonderful. Thank you. Thanks for sharing that. Beautiful. Any other reflections? Please unmute, Cheryl.

Student: Hi. Yeah, I just want to say that I'm finding these breakout rooms really helpful to have these exchanges and hear how other people's practices are because so much meditation on retreat and everything, it's just all in silence, silence, silence. And it really is helping me feel connected to the community. And I feel just more connected to the practice, too. The power of it. It's helping me look forward to coming more, which is really cool. And yeah, the metta for me is just like, I feel like it's just what the doctor ordered right now. I just want to practice every day. So, thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, thank you so much Cheryl for speaking about that and the power of connection. A lot of times in our communities it's all silent, silent, silent, and sangha^[4] is one of the three jewels, it's so important. So really feeling the sense of sangha and connecting with others and their practice. I so appreciate you naming that beautifully, how powerful that is for you. Beautiful. And how metta right now, especially with what's going on in the world, I mean metta is always wonderful medicine but especially now I feel it's even more important for all of us.

So thank you all for joining tonight and for your patience we had a couple minutes overtime, for hanging in here till the end practicing together, supporting each other, supporting yourselves and each other through both your care, your warmth, your metta and your wish for not causing harm to others and yourself.

May we all be well. May we all be free.

[Music and bell]

Thank you. Take good care. Bye.