This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video above. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.

Happy Hour: Patience as Loving Strength

Introduction

The theme I'd like to invite us to explore tonight in our meditation together is the interaction and the support of metta^[1]—loving-kindness, friendliness, goodwill—with patience. Patience, perseverance, patience. Patience is one of the ten paramis^[2], or perfections in Buddhism. They are beautiful qualities of the heart. Metta is one of them, so is generosity, and a bunch of others.

I was reflecting on how the quality of patience, in many ways, can be synonymous with friendliness, goodwill, love, devotion, and dedication. These are various nuances of metta and some nuances of patience. So, I just wanted to say a couple of words about patience before we get started. A lot of times when we hear the word patience, it seems so heavy: "I have to be patient." What I'd like to invite us to consider with patience is to discover our own wholesome relationship tonight with what a beautiful quality it is.

Consider patience with a sense of non-reactivity, with a sense of so much strength, so much perseverance, that one's attitude shifts towards whatever is arising that is calling for this power of patience. Patience is not weak. It is not just to endure. Consider patience as an act of shifting perspectives from a self-centered perspective—"Oh, I want this to be over with, enough already," a perspective of reactivity and weakness like, "I can't do this anymore, is it done and over yet?"—to shifting the perspective to one that actually sees the situation completely differently.

As an example that I like to bring up and seed tonight in our reflection, consider the civil rights movement in the 1960s in the United States. So many beautiful people endured with patience and perseverance so much challenge and hardship because the view was different. The view was bigger—something bigger than themselves, an offering to generations to come, and an offering to society and to many, many people. It was a shift in perspective. That shift in perspective gave them a sense of strength, perseverance, and non-reactivity.

Seeding from that perspective, being patient with ourselves and others is a shift in perspective. For example, you might be impatient with yourself when you get sick: "Okay, come on, let's get better. Okay, done already." Or the impatience you might have, especially in our zeitgeist, with the long to-do list. The impatience of getting things done over and over again throughout the day, and when you fall short.

Shift the perspective. For example, if you were dealing with a child or a newborn, you wouldn't be impatient: "Okay, stop, grow up, stop screaming. Can't you talk already? Can't you tell me what you want? Do you want milk? Do you want a clean diaper?" There is not even a sense of impatience or reactivity there because the perspective is different. There's a bigger perspective of the causes and conditions, of what is actually happening for this newborn and what it is capable of. There is a shift from the perspective of expectation and driving. Not to say that accomplishing things in the world and serving ourselves and others isn't important; it is of value. But notice if there's a conflict that's arising, a pushing, or a sense of impatience. This conflictual relationship is not friendly. It's not friendly with ourselves, it's not friendly with the world, and it's not friendly with the situation. It doesn't actually help anyone to be in conflict with reality.

One definition, one way of seeing patience, is not being in conflict with reality. It is having a sense of stability, strength, and friendliness to work with reality, with things just as they are, in a skillful way—both skillfully for ourselves and for others.

Okay, I think I've said enough to seed our exploration, and we'll discover more. Again, while we're discovering through the guided meditation, anything can come up. Some challenges might come up. See if we can work with those challenges in real-time with a sense of patience. Can we stay with them? Can we have a shifted perspective so that our practice can actually be a sense of patience with our practice in real-time? I guess that's another thing I want to bring up: sometimes we have a sense of impatience in practice. "Okay, enough, I've been sitting for a while. Am I enlightened yet?" Seeing what a shift in perspective can actually support, deepening the friendliness with reality.

Guided Meditation

With all that, I'd like to invite you to settle. Settle in your posture, moving however you're most comfortable to sit or to lie down. Landing in this body. Landing with the breath. Letting the breath move in and out. Letting the breath breathe you.

See if you can invite into your body an attitude or a shift in perspective towards welcoming patience. Patience towards whatever is arising. Patience towards your heart, patience towards your mind, patience towards your body. As if you're breathing a sense of ease. Letting the moment expand. Softening, relaxing, inviting the body to land. Drop all the tensions, all the holdings. Being patient towards this moment, this process, one breath at a time. The patience you reserve perhaps for the tenderest of beings in your life, for little children you care for, newborns, or pets.

See if there can be this spaciousness, friendliness, and non-reactivity of patience towards each breath. A breath settling you more deeply, giving each breath its own time, not trying to rush to the next breath. Letting the breath have all the time it needs. Experimenting as if your breath, your body, was a little child. Just settling, settling, giving it time. Giving your mind, your breath, your body time. Spaciously breathing, being breathed.

And if thoughts arise—thoughts, memories—see if you can open up to them with an attitude of non-reactivity, of patience, spaciousness. Non-judgmentally letting the horizon pass. Simply inviting the awareness to rest with the body, rest with the breath.

It's like this right now, this body, this mind. Can we open up to it? Can you open up to it with whatever is arising? The non-reactive body. Soft, relaxed, spacious, stable. So stable and spacious that whatever is arising in this moment doesn't flap you. A sense of ease and spaciousness. Even if there are challenging thoughts, like "I can't do this, I'm failing," whatever it might be, responding to that, holding that with spaciousness. The sense of stability, non-reactivity, the perspective. It's not tight, not caught in just what's happening or not happening, but a perspective of you that's more spacious, beyond this time and space, beyond yourself. A deep understanding, a deep knowing, a deep appreciation, care, friendliness, which we quickly call patience.

But it's not enduring; it just flows. The stability and the lack of impatience, being unflappable, flows from a deep settling. Even if there is a moment of experiencing a sense of peace with the comings and goings, that's a taste. And if it's not continuous, no need to be in conflict with reality right now. Can there be a sense of opening, friendliness, non-struggle, that I call patience? Non-conflict with reality. Staying connected to your body and your breath, and just being breathed. Letting the body and the breath be the anchor.

Is it possible once you're sitting and being breathed, expanding, opening, letting go of grasping? Letting go of grasping to a self-conscious and fixed idea of who you are.

And now I'd like to invite you, if you wish, you can either stay with being breathed, the spaciousness of perspective, friendliness, non-reactivity with whatever is arising (which could be called patience), the sense of stability and strength, friendliness coalescing, recognized as patience. Or if you wish, I have an invitation for you. I'd like to invite you to bring to mind, ever so gently, maybe a situation today or yesterday or this past week where there was a lack of patience with yourself or with someone else.

If it feels okay, bring that to your mind's eye, to a felt sense. And seeing what was the conflict with reality. The point of contention. The mind wanting things to be a different way than they actually are because of all the causes and conditions set forth. And feeling, if you wish, into that grasping, the tightness of wanting things to be different or a particular way. Letting awareness know it. Just knowing the tightness, the contraction, and what it feels like in the body and in the mind.

When the mind has known it, when this contraction has been seen with awareness, see what happens if the fist of grasping opens. If there is a non-fighting with reality, there's a letting go of this grasping, a softening, an acknowledgment of how things are and how they need to be this way because of all the causes and conditions. Let's see what that feels like. That shift from a tight, clingy perspective to one that's more spacious and sees all the causes and conditions—past, present, future, all beings. See what happens in your body. Even if this shift is possible for just a split second with this perspective.

Things are as they are right now, and they need to be, given all the causes and conditions. If they could be different, they would have been. Things are as they are right now.

And seeing if this realization could be seen, the sense of stability, strength, is wisdom—not resignation and weakness, but waking up to the truth, the lawful way that this life unfolds. Things need to be this way. Things are as they are right now. Yes, feeling a sense of stability and strength in yourself to be with things as they are.

And knowing that strength, stability, this quality of patience to be with things as they are doesn't mean giving up. It doesn't mean resignation at all. It's just a recognition of how things are. Not fighting with the reality of this moment. The attitude of non-clinging to something that cannot possibly be in this moment, but keeping the inspiration, the aspiration for cultivating the good.

For the last few minutes of this practice period, can we either be with the breath and the body, be breathed with metta, non-reactivity, patience, or drop into the contemplation of how this quality of patience, as we've just discovered and explored together, this wholesome quality of the strength of the heart, can be a gift to yourself and to others? You're welcome to explore the different nuances of it for yourself. Patient perseverance, strength, non-reactivity, spaciousness, metta. See what speaks to you.

Reflections

Welcome back, everyone. Just a couple of words I want to say about this exploration we did tonight, this practice of patience, the parami, the perfection of patience. In Pali, khanti^[3], for those who like the Pali words. It's not about resignation. I know you know this, but it's not about resignation at all. It's about the strength of character, this friendliness, this non-fighting with reality as it is right now.

And yet, having the aspiration, the inspiration for goodness, for cultivating goodness. The example I gave at the very beginning with the civil rights movement, there is a sense of movement for change, for bringing love, beauty, fairness, and justice to the world. So there is a movement towards change, this aspiration, and yet there's a sense of perseverance. There's a sense of patient perseverance given a perspective that's larger, that's different from right here, right now, the little me. So I just wanted to bring that nuance here.

I would love to hear some of your reflections. If you have questions, comments, what came up for you during this practice? What was coming up for me also was this realization that there's so much to explore in the nuances of metta, kindness to ourselves and others, and a sense of patience. It was becoming clear to me that being patient with myself is an act of metta, as an act of kindness. Again, not giving up the wish for cultivation, but a sense of understanding that things are like this right now because of causes and conditions. The same way with others. It is an expression of friendliness. So, I am happy to hear your questions, your thoughts. I'm going to allow you to unmute yourself if you want, and you can also type in chat reflections of what came up for you.

Participant 1 (Allie): What really resonated with me was, "If things could be different, they would." Coming to that place, all we know is what was. In your example of the civil rights movement, we can't see yet what is. For myself, the propensity to cling, and all that blocks, actually just perpetuates the cycle of suffering. I really resonated with just looking at it as not a resignation but rather a shift. I pictured myself jumping from one rock to another, being really scared and not knowing what's on the other side. Thank you for that insight.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you, Allie. Thanks so much for sharing that. I love how the insight that arose for you is seeing how that gives rise to perpetual suffering. Beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing that.

Bill offers, "I like the idea of patience as strength." Thank you for that. I like that too because that can shift our relationship to it. Sometimes we think of patience as weak, like, "I have to be patient." No, patience is a sense of being a rock, both for yourself and for others. A sense of stability. Maybe a rock is not the best metaphor, but it comes with a sense of kindness, a loving rock, if you could imagine that.

Susan offers, "Steadfastness is what's arising." Lovely. Yeah, there's a sense of steadfastness, another nuance of patience.

Someone offered, "Giving strength rather than consuming it." Beautiful, I love that. Giving strength to yourself and to others. Beautiful reflections.

Neil asks, "Is patience different than acceptance?" I'm going to invite you to actually explore it for yourself, so I'm going to offer an explanation, but don't take my word for it. See for yourself. I would say there is an aspect of acceptance. Let's take the word acceptance and use its synonym that I prefer: non-conflict. People can think of acceptance as resignation, but let's think of it as not being in conflict with reality. Is patience different than that? I would say that not being in conflict with reality is a part of patience, but patience inhabits more. There's a sense of stability, love, and strength that is part of patience in addition to just acceptance or non-conflict with reality. Neil, I'm going to invite you to explore that for yourself. Does that sound okay? Great.

John, I see you're typing questions to me privately. I get a sense that where you are right now might have gone into nihilism. I can stay on for a couple of minutes after and answer this privately because it's not within the context of what we're practicing right now.

Any other reflections you'd like to share about patience and about what came up for you in this guided meditation? Questions? Comments? Feel free to unmute yourself if you wish. Okay. Going once, going twice. Any other reflections that came up for you? Anything you'd like to put in the container before we go into groups?

Breakout Groups

Okay. I take that as a cue that it's time to transition to small groups of three for a brief period of time. The invitation right now for these small groups is to see if you can inhabit this quality of patience. A sense of strength, loving strength for yourself. Patience with whatever comes up—doesn't that both free you and other people? Relating to each other from the stance of loving patience. See what that might do to the interactions, to the way you listen to yourself, and the way you listen to others. Experiment. Like dropping in the quality of loving patience for yourself and for others. So this is the invitation for us practicing in breakout rooms. Each person will have a couple of minutes. You can time yourselves. "How was this practice for you?" There's no right or wrong. You can say, "I fell asleep. I didn't follow it." It doesn't matter what you say. Let me open the rooms. Here we go.

Q&A and Final Reflections

Welcome back. I would love to hear how your practice was tonight. Any reflections, what came up, questions, comments. Please just unmute yourself or type in the chat. Especially practicing with a sense of patience, loving patience. Anything that was challenging, everything is welcome.

Participant 2 (Lia): I just want to thank you for the very nice concept of being patient for strength, not acceptance that is weak. So, thank you, thank you so much.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you. Thank you so much for practicing and exploring it in this way.

Participant 3 (Sangeeta): Maintaining posture has always been challenging to me beyond 10 minutes.

Nikki Mirghafori: Sangeeta, I'm happy to support you with that. Tell me, when you say maintaining posture is difficult, say more. What do you mean by that? I can try to unmute you... I can't hear you. Oh dear. Seems like there's a problem with the audio. Is it okay if I speak and you can chat the answers back? When you're sitting for 10 minutes, is there a lot of pain or a sense of fidgetiness? Is it major movement your body wants to do or tiny adjustments?

Participant 3 (Sangeeta) [via chat]: Pain and fidgetiness. Tiny adjustments. I keep shifting all the time.

Nikki Mirghafori: Have you had a history of pain? For example, surgery or something?

Participant 3 (Sangeeta) [via chat]: No pain history.

Nikki Mirghafori: Okay. Here's what I'm going to suggest you play around with. For different people, I would say different things, but from what I'm getting from you, what I suggest is to take some of the desire to move and work with it. "Can I just observe it? Can I just be with this 'really want to, really want to'?" Unless it's pain. You need to know what kind of pain it is. Some pain, say knee pain, don't mess with it. Just move, move mindfully. You don't want to bust your knees. But if your leg is falling asleep, and you know, "Yeah, this is how it usually falls asleep, it wakes up, and it's not dangerous," then hang with it.

Hang with the fidgetiness. Stay with it. There's so much strength, so much stability and patience—since we're talking about patience—to actually build from not moving, but in a wise way. When I started my practice years ago, I remember I wanted to fidget. "Oh, there's a little bit of pain, I want to move." What if I just stay? My edge was what I could sit with, what I could persevere with, without it being dangerous. Just the strength of the mind. "My mind can stay with this. I can stay with this. I can be with it." Not playing around, "la la la," but really being with it. Meeting it with strength and gentleness, kindness. Not staring it down, but just like, "Okay sweetie, yeah, I know you want to move. Okay, let's just hang in. Breathe with this."

You can really extend your physical patience. Staying with the physical body can train you with emotional strength. That's the point I want to make. This is a fantastic question. I'm so glad you brought it up. It's a great sandbox for physical patience.

So, it is our time. You have been patient. It's 7:01, we're one minute over time. I want to thank you all for joining and practicing together. These practices are just so beautiful as we do them together. This international co-creation.

May all beings be happy. May all beings be free. May all beings know their own beauty and grace. And may we too be happy and free and know our own beauty and grace.

Thank you all. Take good care. I will be teaching tomorrow night. I'll see you next Monday. Bye!