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Happy Hour: Comparison Is the Thief of Joy/Contentment

Hello, and welcome everyone to happy hour. Lovely to be with you, with so many different time zones joining us in this moment in time.

For today's practice, I'd like to invite us to consider this quote that I heard earlier. I don't know who it is attributed to—actually, I didn't get the chance to search—but here it is: "Comparison is the enemy of contentment."

It's such a profound statement, and I want to unpack it a little bit, and also maybe add some more to it. There are so many different ways that comparison can show up in our lives. Just as I said that, I remembered Gil^[1] has this teaching where he comes with an artificial flower, holds it up and says, "There's a flower." And then—oh yes, here's a similar quote that just came through in the chat: Theodore Roosevelt, "Comparison is the thief of joy." I like that too, that's a good one. Comparison is the enemy of joy. Joy and contentment both, so I'll talk about both.

So, Gil has this teaching where he shows up with a flower, and brings the sense of, "The flower is perfect in and of itself." The flower is perfect in and of itself, and then he brings up another one, like a taller one or a shorter one. Then there's a sense that the mind wants to compare: "This is bigger, smaller, not good enough," whereas in and of itself, it's perfect given the causes and conditions of this flower.

Comparison can show up in different ways. Sometimes we compare experiences. Like, "This soup I'm having right now... no, this other soup I had at this other restaurant was better." And you're always seeking in your mind the perfect soup, the best tasting soup, so you're never satisfied. Actually, you might be misremembering the taste of it. Maybe you're remembering it to be better than it actually was because you were hungry or you were with a group of friends, so the soup tasted really good. But that's the "best" soup. The one I'm having right now at the restaurant, or making at home is just not good enough. So there's a sense of depletion. There's a lack of contentment, a lack of joy, a lack of appreciation. Instead of appreciating what is, appreciating what is here, what is right now, we miss all the possibilities in this soup in this moment. We miss this amazing soup that is showing up just as it is.

And sometimes that soup is us. We compare ourselves. "Oh, that other person who is taller, more famous, more successful, has more friends, or more likes on Facebook." I'm being silly, but use your own imagination. "Has published more, or written more, is more this or that." Comparing ourselves to some other hypothetical person. Whereas each one of us has unique occasions and unique opportunities, unique obstacles, and unique challenges. We all have unique causes and conditions.

To say, "Well, I wasn't born as this other person,"—I mean, they are who they are and I am what I am. So instead of comparison, I want to bring in the concept of inspiration. How can I be inspired to be the most ethical, most kind, most giving person I can be? To fulfill my potential, and to remember that life isn't about getting. We think it's about getting. Life really isn't about getting; it's about giving. The best way we can live and fulfill our potential is to become a gift unto the world. Let that be your measure of contentment, measure of joy, or measure of aspiration. That is what I want to bring in tonight.

Comparison is the enemy of joy, or as I misremembered it, comparison is the enemy of contentment. There are so many different dimensions of this, both in our experiences with things, events, and friends, and with whether we're comparing ourselves to some idealized version. The wrong way of framing it is comparing. If we are bringing comparison, maybe turn it into a way of aspiration: "How can I be the best, the kindest?" Thinking of values not in the way of getting, but giving. So that's the frame I want to set up tonight for our practice.

With the guided meditation, as always, we'll start by settling in the body with the breath. And then I'll bring some gentle invitations into settling into contentment and joy in the present moment.

Guided Meditation

Arriving. Arriving in our seat. Arriving here in this moment in time.

In this moment that has never been and will never be like this, experienced through this mind, through this heart of ours. Unique mind and heart.

Landing. Embracing as if we're opening our arms wide, wide, wide. Opening the arms of our hearts wide to fully embrace the world as it shows up right now in this body, in this moment. Just this.

Not comparing, just relishing. Even if there is discomfort present in the body or mind, can we open up to this evanescent, impermanent moment in time?

And then letting the body relax. Letting the body land. Knees release.

Releasing thoughts that arise. It's okay, thoughts will arise. Smilingly releasing them in this moment. Just returning to the awareness of the breath, the body, this moment in time. Expansively, letting the feet feel, to appreciate being connected to the ground, to the earth.

Just this breath. Not comparing this breath to the previous one, or vying for the next one. Just this breath. The perfection of this breath right here. This moment, fresh, amazing, miraculous. Never lived before. Such an awe to even have awareness, to be alive. So amazing just to be alive, to have consciousness of this breath, these sensations.

Just this breath. The amazing miracle of this breath in this moment. The entirety of the breath, breathed in, breathed out. The miracle of this breath reverberating through the whole body.

Softening, relaxing with every out-breath, every in-breath. Enlightening, enlivening. Bringing more energy and more lightness.

Now, is it possible, as we're sitting being breathed, to open up to gentle appreciation? Gentle appreciation for whatever is arising in the sphere of experience right now. Most prominently, the breath, sensations of the body, a sense of aliveness. Maybe any pleasantness in the body. Maybe there's pleasantness associated with the breath being breathed, gently swaying.

Maybe the mind realizes, "Wow, this moment is actually pretty good. Maybe there's more contentment available in this moment, more joy than I realized, if I just open up ever so gently." Not pushing, just opening up to the possibility. Appreciating the joys, the delights, pleasantness, comforts. Even if coexisting with discomfort, there's an overall spaciousness that's here.

The mind here, not in the past or future, just here. Just gently enjoying the breath.

And if there's a part of your mind, your heart, that's negating, that's fighting against this moment, it's okay, include that part. Don't throw it away, shut it out, exile it. That part is included also. No part left out.

As we expand, opening up to appreciation in this moment, whatever is arising, pleasant or unpleasant included, appreciating it just as it is. Can we open up also, expanding temporarily from this moment in time? Not with our thoughts, not thinking, but opening to the possibility of all the causes and conditions that have brought us to this moment in our lives. So many of them gifts, good fortune we consider in our earthly terms. Some of them challenges. All of which uniquely have made this a unique being. All these occasions, so many that perhaps are neutral: just the zeitgeist we're born in, parents, upbringing, culture, random coincidences. Just all these causes and conditions, so many events that have made this a unique being that is me possible in this moment.

We are a product of so many causes and conditions. How unlikely is it that we're even born? That this being that was us should even be here?

We appreciate the interconnected mystery of our existence. And let there not be a comparison with other amazing mysteries of existence, as other beings with their causes and conditions. Appreciating them. "Wow, all these miracles, all these points of light." And this is mine. This light, this light of mine.

How can I be the brightest I can be? Not comparing to others, but aspiring to shine brightly for the sake of myself and the sake of others. To give my light, my warmth, my goodness. In this brief flash of lightning that is my life on the cosmic scale, to aspire. Not compare, but aspire to shine brightly according to whatever my values, the goodness of my north star is. Let that be the measure of the brightness of my light shining in the world.

Just being embodied, not thinking. Letting yourself be breathed. Letting these reflections be breathed in and out without so much thought, but dropped into the body, resonating. Maybe only a residue remains, just being breathed.

The Buddha said, "Be a light unto yourself." Can we be a light unto ourselves and others? Making giving the measure of our success, not getting. Shining our light of goodness.

Maybe mettā^[2], gladness, goodwill for others. Generosity. Kindness. Compassion. Gladness, joy, letting our joy shine brightly for the sake of ourselves and the world. What a beautiful gift to give to ourselves and others, our joy. Our contentment.

And for the last moments of this practice period, honoring, appreciating ourselves for having showed up. If any judgments are arising for what happened or did not happen, can we be kind? Can we be generous to ourselves for having done our best? Given all the causes and conditions, it's like this, it had to be like this or it would have been different. Appreciating ourselves and the gift of causes and conditions for being here now together, practicing in sangha^[3].

And offering the light of our goodness to all beings everywhere. May all beings everywhere, including ourselves, be safe, be happy, have health and ease. May all beings be free.

Thank you everyone, thank you for your practice.

Reflections and Q&A

Nikki: So we have some time for any reflections that might have come up. Any questions, comments, aha moments, complaints, it's all welcome. What did you notice in this practice tonight around the theme of "comparison is the enemy of joy/contentment," both internally and externally? Radha, please.

Radha: Hi. So I'm outside and there's a lot of wildlife where I am... a lot of bird life. And I was kind of feeling into how I could hear the bees and the birds. Just kind of feeling how they each have their own unique song and call. It's like the bee knows what it needs to do, it knows what its work is. I saw a meme once with a bunch of animals and it was like, "An elephant doesn't try to be a dolphin," or something like that. So there's a sense of relief that comes with that kind of self-acceptance. That is what I was feeling.

Nikki: Lovely, beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that. It touches me so deeply, your experience and the metaphors that have come to you. An elephant doesn't try to be a bird. It's just that radical self-acceptance absolutely, and appreciating the bird you are, or the frog you are, or the puppy you are. Just that radical self-acceptance. Beautiful. Thank you, Radha, lovely. Yeah, Claire, please.

Claire: Thank you. [Audio issues] I haven't loved a lot of church music.

Nikki: There's a lot of noise in the background, that's strange. There's a lot of echo. Are you hearing another voice?

Claire: I'm not hearing it because I've got a headset on. Yeah, I don't have anything else going on here.

Nikki: Okay, all right, thanks Claire. You can also type in chat. If you type only to me, I won't read your name, so it will be private, just read your reflection. If you type it to everyone, I'll read your name and your reflection.

Here's a beautiful reflection: “After a particularly mindless incident yesterday, mortifying and very upsetting, the idea that given causes and conditions it could not have been otherwise is soothing. It's difficult to accept such a self if one doesn't feel deserving of it, but I'm working on that as well.”

Thank you for that reflection. So many causes and conditions, and it's such a combination. This is the beauty of the dependent origination^[4] teaching, which is one way to see causes and conditions. Actually, causes and conditions are the superset of the dependent origination teaching, which is so many causes and conditions coming together to give rise to phenomena. Accepting that if things could have been different they would have been, just brings freedom. And usually, people ask at this time, "Well, what about volition?" Yes, volition is one of those causes and conditions that we put in place, and we make it more likely that we behave more mindfully or more kindly. It's not like everything is on our shoulders. It's all causes and conditions.

Another reflection: “May we all have people in our lives to acknowledge and celebrate our special gifts and skills along with us.” Yes, may it be so.

I'd like to invite us now to turn to practice together in small groups. As people have said, it brings a sense of safety. You'll be in groups of roughly size three. The invitation is that what you have practiced silently with your eyes closed, now you get to connect with these wayfarers like you. It's a very sacred, beautiful opportunity to connect. It's honoring yourself, honoring each other just for a few minutes and sharing as little or as much as you wish about your practice and holding witness.

That's a big part of it, it's about giving. It's not about impressing, not about educating, it's about offering what has come up for you to support you and others as a gift, and to hold presence for them also. Witness them, see their beauty. Just as one reflection said, to see their special gifts, special causes and conditions. Please speak from your own experience, not comment on or manage other people's experience. You are not serving as a facilitator, just staying with your own experience and honoring others. Maybe they offer their silence, maybe that's what they need to offer tonight, and that's okay too. I will create the breakout rooms now. Take care of yourselves and each other in kindness.

[Breakout groups occur]

Nikki: Welcome back everyone. The rooms are closed, everybody's back. We've got just a couple of minutes for any reflections. I see two hands. Okay, Richard, what's up?

Richard: I understand what you say by comparison in the sense of, "I used to be better," or "Other people have more than me," that kind of thing. But there's also the kind of reframing of, "There are a lot of people who have it a lot worse than me," and "There are a lot of people in my boat right now," which is a really powerful way to depersonalize things.

Nikki: Yeah, so your question is what about that? It really depends on the spirit in which that is taken, because sometimes if we just get into the comparison game, you go like, "Oh gosh, lucky me I'm not them." Sometimes it can be pity. Sometimes it can be not very helpful, just don't go there. But what you're saying is slightly different, it's the sense of common humanity, of opening the heart. So I'm not quite sure if that's comparison, it's just a little bit of appreciating the challenges that other people have. So maybe that's how I would put it. Thanks, Richard, excellent question. Neil, please.

Neil: So how do you enjoy physical pain? Be grateful for the current moment if it is dominated by physical pain?

Nikki: That's a very good question. So I think the crux of it is this: is it dominated, or are we perceiving it to be dominated? Pain can sometimes limit our minds, and having had plenty of pain, it can limit our mind to think that that's the only thing there is, that the experience is dominated by pain. So what I was inviting you gently to open up to—again, this meditation isn't focused on it primarily—but that there is so much more present. The pain can be here also, but there could be so much more presence. So appreciating the panoply of everything there is. That's what I'm going to invite you to do when there is pain present in the body, like intense back pain. See if there's more, there's more spaciousness around it that can hold it all so that the mind doesn't get tight around just that. That's my invitation for you to explore, Neil. Thank you.

And this is our last... oh, I think we're out of time. Okay, quick, if you can make this quick.

Participant: I'm just curious about how to work things out with comparison mind. I am just so in the comparison mind. Instead of appreciating the process where I am at this time, I'm just comparing the other person: "Oh, he will be here and here and here." It just makes me suffer.

Nikki: It's good that you see that comparison is making you suffer, and your question is how do I work with it? I think part of what I've shared this hour is about ways to just not go there. Bring the mind back. And if your mind is really used to comparison getting into that game, it's going to be like mindfulness: "Come back, sweetie, come back, mind. Just don't go there, sweetie, consider the perspective, consider causes and conditions." It just has to be reoriented, reoriented, reoriented until it becomes the proclivity of your mind. So not even in the meditation, just in real life.

Participant: In real life, exactly.

Nikki: Yeah. So dear all, thank you so much for your practice, for cultivating your heart, your mind, for your own sake and the sake of all beings everywhere. May all beings be well. May all beings be free. Thank you.