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Happy Hour: Compassion for Someone Dear

A warm hello, or a cool hello, wherever you are, whatever is appropriate for your weather conditions in this moment in time. Greetings and welcome to happy hour.

For today's happy hour, I'd like to continue, as from the beginning of the year we've been planning to go through the brahmavihārās^[1] and through the different categories systematically. We went through the different categories of mettā^[2], loving-kindness, and I wanted to start with the next brahmavihārā, the next cultivation, which is compassion, cultivating compassion.

What is compassion? How is it different from mettā? What's the difference between karuṇā^[3] in Pali and mettā in Pali, compassion and loving-kindness? The idea is that when mettā, when kindness, good will, friendliness—just a sense of good will and kindness—meets suffering, then it gets expressed as compassion.

Compassion, if you like formulas, is mettā, which is loving-kindness, kindness, good will, warmth, friendliness, plus suffering. So suffering that is held with warmth is compassion. There are many different ways to hold suffering. Not very helpful ways, one is to kick ourselves: "Well, get it together. Why are you upset? Why are you sad? Why are you hurting?" Or the same way to others. Whereas when it's held with care: "Oh sweetie, this is hard." Acknowledging first and foremost that something is challenging, and also bringing kindness, bringing warmth and care to it.

Another, more poetic way to think of compassion is that compassion is the love child of loving-kindness and suffering. The two of them, again, when they come together, it gets expressed in our hearts as compassion. This practice of compassion, karuṇā, is one of the brahmavihārās, heavenly abodes. There are four heavenly abodes: first mettā, the second one being karuṇā (compassion), the third one sympathetic joy, and the fourth one equanimity. We'll get to them in the next weeks and months.

These heart practices, when you practice them, feel good. They are relieving, they are softening, tenderizing. Compassion isn't supposed to feel painful, bad, tough, or heavy. If we veer into heaviness, into sadness, we might have veered off from compassion into overwhelm, into grief, into what's called empathic distress, where the kindness is not balanced with suffering. There's too much emphasis on the suffering.

When we practice compassion, we want there ideally to be a balance between how much we're tapping into the suffering and how much kindness we're holding it with. If there's too much feeling into the suffering without enough kindness to hold it, then it can feel heavy. But that's okay, that will happen. Don't judge yourself, it's perfectly fine. It might happen simply that you really turn towards the suffering that's coming up and hold it with care, with warmth.

There is so much to say about this topic, but I'll just leave it at this brief short dharma talk and let's practice together.

Guided Meditation

I would like to invite us all to get into our meditation posture and see what is appropriate for you in this moment. You may need to shift your posture. You may need to lie down, that's okay. You may need to sit up straighter with a sense of integrity in your seat, in your cushion.

Landing. Arriving in this body, in this heart, in this mind, in this moment. In this human experience.

Softening, letting go of any tension that you notice in your body. Maybe in your forehead, maybe your jaw, maybe your neck and shoulders, your chest. Abdomen relaxing, softening. Your sit bones, letting go from the inside.

If there's any tension in your legs, your feet, your hands, arms, with the next out-breath, softening, letting go.

And inviting your heart to settle in this moment. Your heart to arrive. Your heart to trust. To trust in your goodness, to trust in this practice, in your own capacity. Letting your heart land and trust. Settling into your bones.

Letting your mind settle too. If your mind were a snow globe with all the shiny little objects twirling around, let it settle. Settling it down. Letting it land.

Relaxing, receiving the breath one breath at a time. And if thoughts are twirling again, no problem, just see them smilingly settling down, sitting down. This twirling shaken snow globe, just letting all the shiny objects of thought land, settle.

Giving your heart to the practice in this moment. Setting aside all else, a dedication of yourself, of your heart fully, wholeheartedly in this moment. Just being breathed in the body. Settling, arriving.

Now I would like to invite you, if you would, bring to mind a good friend who might be having some challenges right now. Someone you care about who is experiencing some challenging aspect in their life. Could be a friend, could be a family member, a benefactor. Just someone whom you care about, an easy person, an easy being.

Someone you care about is experiencing a challenge right now. Taking some time to connect with their felt sense, with their image. Using all the senses to really connect with this person, with this being. Could also be a pet, that's fine if they're having a challenging time right now. Or a child.

Bringing them to your mind's eye as clearly as possible. Your visual, their image. If you're auditory, maybe what they sound like when they talk to you. Maybe their smell, how they move, how they speak. As if they were in front of you. Or maybe it is easier to imagine if you're having a Zoom conversation with them, or FaceTime, or a phone call. Just bringing them to mind as clearly as you can.

And connecting with what they're going through right now. As you connect with the pain, the sorrow, the suffering they're experiencing, to meet it, to let it be met for you. To meet it with kindness, with good will, with care, with love, with tenderness. Imagining that with each out-breath, you're breathing out comfort, ease, care, support, compassion for this person, for this being in this situation. Letting the good will, the care, envelop, caress, hold the suffering. Your care as if it were a soft comforting blanket of love and care.

And you don't have to try too hard. If it's effortful, relax. Relax your heart, your body, your mind. Let it be easeful. The image, your breath, connecting to the challenge, connecting to your kindness, your good wish, your good will for them.

If you like, you can add phrases of compassion. Just let it be wordless or see what works for you, experiment. You can use any phrase, such as: "I wish you ease. May you have ease and peace in the midst of this sorrow, this pain, this suffering. I wish you peace. I wish you ease." See what works best for you.

"May you be free. May you be free from pain. May you have peace. May you have ease." Or, "I care about you, and I wish you well. I wish you ease. I wish you goodness."

And if it feels too heavy or too sorrowful, too much grief, then lean more into the good will, to the good wishes, to your care, love, kindness, sense of glowing, radiating good will. Care towards them that can hold the suffering, can hold any suffering. Maybe you are surprised how powerful your care is. And if you lose touch too much with the challenge, you can lean into that some more. You decide what's needed in each moment, which more of is needed.

Discover how differently your body, your heart energetically feels as you lean more into the mettā powerfully holding the pain, the suffering, meeting it. If you lean more into feeling the suffering, become aware, notice.

"May you be free from this sorrow. I wish you well. I care. I care about your challenge, your difficulty. I wish you well, dear one." You can try it in your mother tongue if you wish, welcome to experiment.

Imagining, visualizing that your care, maybe your breath, brings this being comfort, soothing succor. And maybe you're caressing them gently with your care. Whatever works for you visually and linguistically.

"May you be free from this sorrow, from this challenge, my dear."

Let it be easeful. You don't have to push it. Let the practice do you. It can flow, it's okay.

And for the last minutes of this practice, letting you be the recipient of your own compassion. If there is any challenge or difficulty happening for you right now, bring the same energy of care and soothing, holding yourself dear. "May I be free. May I have peace and ease with this challenge, with this suffering, sorrow, pain."

"May both of us, both this dear being and myself, may we both have ease, freedom from our challenge."

Expanding this circle of compassion to all beings who are practicing with you right now, knowing that they all have something, some challenge in their life, some stress, some difficulty. And they have friends, loved ones they care about who are going through a challenging time perhaps. Wishing all of them ease, all of them, all of us. It's the human condition. None of us are immune from challenge and difficulty.

And expanding the circle further, all beings everywhere. May they all be free from sorrow and challenge. Whatever challenge they're facing in their lives, may they have peace and ease. May all beings be free, may all beings be happy, including ourselves.

Reflections and Q&A

Thank you all, thank you for your practice. If you'd like to share reflections on what you noticed, what came up for you, what was challenging, what was interesting, what you discovered.

Susan, I'll ask you to unmute.

Susan: Hi, I was noticing how the phrase "caressing care" just really touched me deeply. And I noticed how I was having some difficulty giving this person I love, my sister-in-law, this caressing care. I noticed it was difficult because I needed to give it to myself first. So I started giving it to myself, and then it just flowed very naturally to her. Before, I was feeling that resistance, and I felt that happiness that I was able to realize that maybe I needed it first, and then it could just flow naturally to her, and it felt very lovely then.

Nikki: Beautiful, thank you, Susan. What a beautiful, insightful discovery, that when your heart was soothed—that that was needed—then it was more resourced to care for another being. Beautiful discovery. Thank you for sharing that.

In these practices, we start wherever it's easy. So if you discover it's easy to turn the compassion to yourself, by all means, please do that. And just to share with you, since you brought this up, Susan, I had been planning tonight to start with compassion for ourselves. And then I thought, well, maybe I'll do it more in the canonical order, which is first the compassion you do with a being who has a challenge, and then yourself. But it's fine to start anywhere that is easy for you. If it's yourself, there's no right or wrong really at all, so I really appreciate you bringing that in, Susan. Lovely.

Any other reflections, especially if you haven't spoken or shared in a long time or in a while, or if you're new? I would love to hear your reflections, your thoughts, your questions, your complaints, it's all welcome. You can also type them in the chat if you wish.

Bill says, "I had difficulty focusing until I came upon the phrase 'may you be comforted.' For some reason, that made it work."

Great, great, beautiful. I love your self-discovery here and sharing it, that's great, wonderful. This practice is often trying things. We try this like, "Oh yes, and something connects, yay!" We experiment and see what connects for us. And what I bring are just invitations.

Forest says, "I realize that some part of me thinks that there is something wrong with suffering."

Ah, that's a great realization. That's a fantastic realization, Forest. Great to see that, like, "Wow, check that out." And perhaps as I'm seeing that in what you shared, is that suffering, dukkha^[4], is a part of the human condition. In Buddhism, it is called one of the three marks of existence^[5]. It's just part of life. By the way, I'm teaching a retreat on the three characteristics in a couple of weeks, it's on my website if anyone is interested in exploring this dukkha, this suffering as a characteristic of being human.

Jerry says, "I noticed a calming effect of just letting it be at the level or amount of comfort that I was capable of tonight."

Great, yeah, glad to hear that. Not pushing it.

Clark says, "I often find it difficult to get a felt sense of the other person's suffering, and then it just seems like I'm doing plain mettā. How important do you think it is to really connect to the person's suffering? Should I try to imagine them upset in as many ways as I can?"

That's a good question. Here's something you can try, again without pushing. One thing you can try, Clark, is to put yourself in their shoes, what they're going through right now. Imagine, "Oh, if I were them in this moment, and if I were going through this right now, how would I feel? How would that be?" And again, not you with your practice, but if you were them, with their background, with their upbringing, with their resources right now. "How would I feel right now? Oh, it'd be really hard." So that's one way, perhaps, to find a way into it.

Knob says, "How do I cultivate more empathy for people I feel distant towards?"

We'll get into that in a few days. Hang on to that question. We're just doing the concentric circles, come back.

Talia says, "I was wondering if I connected too much to the person suffering, and as a result, ended up in the grief realm."

Yeah, it's a balance, right? It's quite a balance between the two.

Another reflection: "I appreciate your words of leaning into the compassion if the suffering is difficult. A friend of mine just started chemo for cancer. This was so very helpful tonight, Nikki, for the framing of how I can be with her suffering and mine in not wanting her to die."

Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing that. And that was a direct message, so I'm choosing not to say the names if it seems like it's just directed to me, but if you want it to be public, you can send it to everyone.

Violet says, related to Forest's comment: "Sometimes I feel like my suffering is evidence I'm not meditating enough."

Oh, that's fascinating. Yeah, suffering is part of life, so this is an interesting, complex area, and I want to talk more about this. There is a difference between pain, suffering, personalizing it, but realizing that actually dukkha is a characteristic of being human. And how do we respond to it? Is it the first arrow?^[6] The first arrow is just the way life is. The second, third, fourth arrow is what we add. So have the wisdom to see if it is the first arrow. If it's the first arrow, it's just life. It's disease, it's illness. Or is it the second, or third, or fourth? And even if it's the second, or third, or fourth, still meet it with compassion. Meet it with compassion. That's why this compassion practice is here, right? Otherwise, it wouldn't be part of the canon. Otherwise, we'd be perfect, we'd just have the first arrow and none of the other arrows, and it'd all be okay. That's why we're practicing cultivating compassion for our suffering.

Pete says, "Wishing everyone on this call peace at times of suffering."

Thank you, Pete, lovely. So there's so much more to say, but then hey, guess what? We have many, many sessions on compassion in the coming days, so I'm not going to try to cover it all. Let's transition into practice, into small group practice. And this is the invitation I have tonight as we get into groups: don't start talking. Spend thirty seconds in silence just wishing well, trusting that these other two or three beings in the room with you are suffering just like you. They're human beings who have challenges just like you. And then when you choose to speak, if you choose to speak, you can share how the practice was or whatever you wish. So I'd like to invite all of us, fellow suffering human beings, because it's part of the human condition, to practice together. I'm going to create the breakout rooms now.

[Breakout sessions occur]

Welcome back everyone. So we have maybe just a minute if you'd like to share about what the practice was like today in groups or the meditation, especially if you haven't shared in a while. I would love to hear from you. Let's take one comment.

Dawn says, "I so appreciated sharing, but also being silent."

Oh, beautiful. Yeah, being silent with each other, nice. What else? Maybe one verbal reflection. We have limited time. Come on, don't be shy, go for it.

Oh, Julianne, I see your hand. I'm going to ask you to unmute.

Julianne: This is my first evening, and I didn't realize how happy and peaceful I would feel after the little breakout room. And I didn't know you were going to do that to us, so at first I panicked and I wanted to run away. But I'm glad that I didn't because I met two new friends. I've been listening to you, Nikki, for about three years now, and it's so nice to see your face and have a face to your name. You've changed my life in a number of ways. I discovered your podcast after a retreat, so it's nice to be here.

Nikki: Oh, thank you, Julianne. It's lovely to meet you, I'm so glad you're here. Thank you so much for joining the community. Now you're part of the community!

Julianne: Yay! I've been looking for an online sangha, so this is great.

Nikki: Great, this makes me so happy. Please come back, please come back. This is great, oh it makes me so happy. Lovely to meet you.

So dear ones, it is 7:01, and let's see a couple more reflections.

Elizabeth says, "A feeling of being held by the community, the windows in the groups." That's sweet.

Jerry says, "I noticed that in the silent period that I found suffering more authentic when someone says they are suffering rather than when they say happy."

Interesting. Yeah, the profoundness of the silence is nice. And then someone asked, "Does Nikki have a podcast?" I've been interviewed on different podcasts, which are on my website, but AudioDharma is a podcast too, so yeah, that's what Julianne was referring to, AudioDharma.

So dear ones, okay, let's dedicate the goodness of our practice together. Thank you all for your practice, and the goodness generated from our coming together, practicing together, trusting ourselves, the goodness in our hearts, sharing our goodness with ourselves and with each other. For the benefit of all beings everywhere, may all beings be happy. May all beings be free. Thank you so much, everyone.