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Happy Hour: Being Equanimity

Introduction

So lovely to practice with you all. Welcome, welcome.

For today's practice, I wanted to invite us to engage with the practice of equanimity. Equanimity, equipoise, which is the fourth Brahmavihāra^[1], the fourth heavenly abode practice. Of the four heart practices, the first one being mettā^[2], loving-kindness, the second one being compassion or karuṇā^[3], the third one being vicarious joy or sympathetic joy, muditā^[4], and the fourth one is equanimity. It holds all the other ones, and in some ways could be thought of as the perfection of the other ones.

Equanimity is this sense of balance, equipoise, and it has warmth. It has care about it, so it's not aloof. It's not uncaring. It's not, "Whatever, I'm just being equanimous." That's not equanimity, that's aloofness. That's the near enemy^[5]. [Laughter] Somehow the words are different, words are coming in. Anyways, this is interesting, lots of anattā^[6] here in the way this mind is working tonight! But it's the near enemy. Aloofness is a near enemy... somehow "nearest neighbor" from my years of doing mathematics and computer science is coming in. But anyway, just laughing at this mind. Isn't it fun sometimes to laugh at the impersonality of how our mind works? It's ungovernable. Sometimes you want to do something or think something, and something else happens. Just anattā, not-self right there.

But tonight we're not going to practice not-self, we're going to practice equanimity. There are so many different ways to get into this practice of equanimity, and it's a crown jewel, really. Equanimity is a crown jewel of Buddhist practice. It supports us not just on the cushion in our formal practice, but throughout our life, as the vicissitudes, challenges, and difficulties are a dime a dozen in this human condition. Can we be with them with equanimity, with equipoise, not bearing down but just in the middle of the storm, in the eye of the storm, having an expansive, spacious view?

I think that's all I want to say to set up the framework for tonight. We'll just practice together and find our unique way into it.

Guided Meditation

I'd like to invite you to get into your meditation posture, whatever that might be. If you need to shift, move from your cushion to a chair, or from a chair to a cushion. Find the posture that will be comfortable for the next 30 minutes of meditation.

Letting there be a sense of integrity in your body, a sense of uprightness. Letting the spine be upright, be held. Not pushed up, but as if there is an invisible thread at the top of your head holding you up. Or a powerful magnet that opens your upper body, your torso, your chest, all opened up with the breath. Sitting upright.

And letting your lower body be well-grounded, well-rooted to the earth. The upper body opened up, a bright sense of spaciousness, opening to the heavens, and the lower body connected, well-rooted to the earth. Your feet, your sit bones. So that you feel like you have both roots—you're well-rooted into the earth in this moment—and also you have wings, like an angel. Expansive. Your heart is expansive. You have roots and wings.

Let the breath move through, soothing, comforting. Your abdomen, your chest, expanding with each breath. Feeling more present.

And whatever is arising in the body, the heart, and the mind can be welcomed. It can be here just as it is. No need to get rid of it, push it away, or even attend to it perhaps, but just opening to it all. You can be here. There's so much space, spaciousness, ease, that this can be here along with everything else. And if there is fatigue, restlessness, all of that can be present too. It doesn't have to take center stage.

It's as if you're expanding. Imagining that you're stretching your heart, you're stretching your awareness. First you're stretching it, and then it stretches on its own, it keeps going. Expanding, expanding. Just like the universe keeps expanding, your heart keeps expanding, stretching. Stretching on its own, including everything. Everything. And there's still more space.

There can be so much ease in this expansion. And yeah, pain, difficulties, emotions can be there. Sleepiness, agitation can all be there. They can all be here; there's enough space for everything to be present. Your heart is so expansive, spacious.

When your thoughts are arising—plans, memories—it's okay, it's all right. Letting the expansiveness, spaciousness, hold everything. Or letting it drop everything. It doesn't have to hold. If it feels like an effort, you can also drop, just drop, release. Not with aversion, but with the wisdom that it doesn't need to be held, it can be released. As if you're opening up your hand, letting it fly away.

And this gesture of the open hand, the helping hand, being felt in your heart too. Not just in your hands. Maybe it actually might be helpful to open your hands as they're resting on your lap. Feel into the energy of the open, relaxed, resting hands. Not grasping, not pushing away. Open, relaxed. Feel into the spaciousness of this gesture of the open hand. How much is release. You can feel within this gesture.

Now imagine your heart also has the gesture of the open hand. Relaxed, not grasping or pushing away. Things can be landing, resting in the hand, and then leaving, arising, passing away. It's like this. It's like this in this human realm, comings and goings. All the comings and goings. Interesting, maybe even delightful. Expansive, a sense of care. Your hand is turned upward so it can hold, your heart can hold. Yet it doesn't grasp, hold onto.

Also, as the hand has this gesture of openness, there's space between the fingers. Things pour through. Thoughts, memories. There's a lightness in the feeling, letting them pour through, fall through. It's okay. Your hand is open for new experiences, new knowings, new gifts, new blessings, and new sorrows that serve as teachers. This gesture of the open hand. A heart that has an open hand. It's also just a gesture of generosity. Generosity with life. Experiencing, knowing, giving. Not grasping.

Can we relate to equanimity in this practice today as the gesture of an open hand, an open heart in this way?

Maybe just to get a sense of it, close your hands, feel the fist forming on your lap. Feel into how that is different. Let your heart feel how this is different. A different stance in life, a closed fist. And open, whenever you're ready, you've got a sense of it. Open hands resting on your lap. Your heart with the gesture of the open hands. See what new perceptions this brings about, new realizations, new insights for you tonight. In this moment in time, this open hand of the heart.

The gesture of the open hand. Here with the breath, with the body, with this heart. Feel the embodiment of the open hands in your heart with each breath.

The gesture of equanimity. Sitting grounded, upright like a mountain. Stable. Chest, heart open, present. Hands open, heart open. Stable, open, present. Feel it in your body, the mind will follow. Feel the stability of your posture, your uprightness, the well-rootedness, the open hands. Feel into it. Feel the embodiment. It's not an idea of equanimity. It's an embodied experience. Be equanimity. Trust that your body knows. Trust.

Equanimity. Not falling into, not grasping, not being reduced to. Not sinking into and not pushing away with aversion, fear, dislike. But upright, well-rooted, with an open hand, open heart. All experiences can be just as they are. Arise, pass away. Spacious heart, spacious mind. And your body knows. Even if you experience it for a moment with respect to something here, something opens up in your mind, in your heart, a possibility for a different relationship to life. Your thoughts, stories, emotions.

Again, feel into the embodiment. Fake it until you become it! Sitting, feeling your body on the earth. Connected, rooted, upright. Open heart, open hands. Expansive, spacious. The breath inside, outside, all around.

You might even visualize stories like a little bird, like a butterfly, landing in your open hand and then flying away. Not reacting. Comes and goes. You sit, you are breathed. Spacious, stable. Nowhere to go, nothing to do. Here.

And as we bring this practice period to a close, may we embody equanimity for ourselves, for others, for the benefit of all beings everywhere. May all beings everywhere, including ourselves, be stable, know true equipoise with presence and care. Not turning away, not closing the hand. May all beings everywhere be free, including ourselves.

Thanks everyone. Thanks for your practice.

Reflections and Q&A

So we have some time for reflections, for questions, comments about this practice. Equanimity in this particular way of feeling into it. Today I was inviting us to feel into the embodiment of equanimity with the gesture of sitting connected to the earth, really feeling our stability, sitting tall like a mountain. It's a gesture of equanimity with open hands. Open your hands and open your heart, really feeling into that. It's not a closed fist, it's not the one that grasps objects, it's not one that pushes away or throws away. It's one that's open. It can land, it can pour through, there's a sense of openness of the heart and stability.

So that's the invitation I was making for us to feel into equanimity. Not like an idea, like, What is equanimity? This word I can never get, like what do they even mean? Feel into it. What does it feel like? What does it feel like? That was the invitation. I was hoping that maybe even for a split second, something connected in a different way and that maybe opens something up for possibility in your life, in your practice. So that was my hope, intention, and I would love to hear how it was for you. Any insights, experiences, what worked, what didn't work. For the benefit of yourself, the benefit of the sangha^[7]. You can raise your Zoom hand, you can type in chat. Puzzle, please.

Puzzle: Hi. Just, when you said to "be equanimity," that just kind of hit. That was pretty neat. It's like, Oh, wait, just wait. It changed a little bit. It was neat. Thank you.

Nikki: Nice, thank you for reflecting that back. "Be equanimity." I love it. Great, thanks for highlighting that, Puzzle. I'm glad something shifted for you. Yay! And try that. Since it hits in a particular way, you can drop that in your daily life practice: I'll be equanimity. Oh yeah, I know what that feels like. My body knows. It's not so much a heady thing. Be equanimity. Beautiful, thanks Puzzle. Any other reflections? You can also type in chat. Fred.

Fred: Thanks, Nikki. The contrast between the open hand and the clenched fist was really striking to me. If I was less aware of equanimous feelings throughout the meditation, I could tell from the sharp contrast of being in the defensive position with fists closed that this was not equanimity, and it was better to return to the open hand.

Nikki: Beautiful, great. Thank you so much for reflecting that. Yeah, that's great. Thank you for the reflection, Fred. This contrast, because, yeah, it feels different in our bodies. This, and this. And there's a lot of science too, our mind states and our physical states. In fact, a lot of metaphors and a lot of the words that we use in language for our mind states come from our physical gestures. So it's important to take advantage of what we already have to make these knowings more clear, distinct, by using these gestures. Michelle, I think you're trying to raise your hand. Yes, and Dan, we'll go to you afterwards. Michelle, please.

Michelle: As I opened to this tremendous fear that I was feeling, the more I opened to the fear, the more equanimity I felt. Does that make sense?

Nikki: Absolutely it makes sense, Michelle. Yeah, how interesting, right? How interesting: the more you open to fear, the more equanimity you felt. Feel into the profundity of that. That's a profound insight. Because the more we close up to fear, the more we're afraid of fear, the bigger it feels. And the more we open up to it—like, Okay, I'm not scared, here, come—oh wow, there's more equanimity. Look at that. It's so counterintuitive, and yet that's it. Beautiful, thanks for sharing that, Michelle. Beautiful.

Jerry says in the chat, "It felt like a brief moment of openness to a blend of loving-kindness, compassion, and joy." Yep, great. Dan, I see you, please.

Dan: Yes, I thought I had the explanation down very well as you gave it, and it was a very good session. But just for the heck of it... I've got this on my phone but I have my computer here, so I typed in "equanimity" and I looked at that, and it was talking about a calmness, composure, evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation. And I was thinking, you talked about disturbances or being upset, which was very useful as a bit of a contrast. But there's no threat while sitting here.

A couple hours ago, I was crossing the street here in New York City. Years ago, it used to be worth your life crossing a street in New York, the traffic was very aggressive, especially the cab drivers. They would come right through an intersection, and it was almost worth your life crossing the street. Now, almost without exception, if you're in a crosswalk, even a quarter of the way across the street, someone coming the other way will stop, they'll let you go. So I'm crossing the street and I'm about halfway across, and a guy is coming quite quickly into the intersection. I can tell by his speed and the angle that he's just going to go, he's not going to stop. It occurred to me to slow my pace to be sure he had left enough room, but I didn't. I just kept walking. I'm a big guy, I have a very big mouth, a good command voice. And I got really close to the car, not to endanger myself, and I knew I was going to yell at him, even though in a sense I knew it was a bad idea and I wished not to do it. And the phrase no good can come of this went through my mind. Right? And I thought, Oh, the heck with it, I'm just going to yell! I got it okay, I didn't curse, I didn't do anything, but he had his window all the way down, and I was grateful for that.

Nikki: I think I'm getting... I think I'm getting the picture, Dan. For the benefit of time, I think I get the picture, and your question is, okay, that's a stressful situation...

Dan: No, all I did was yell, "Hey!" And as soon as I did that, I regretted it and wished I had said nothing at all.

Nikki: Yeah, so here's what I would say. I appreciate you bringing that in, and the question basically is, you're asking, Okay, here I'm sitting, I'm practicing, there's no threat, I'm feeling pretty calm and I'm practicing this equanimity thing. And yet there on the street is where I really wanted it, where I wish I had it. Great, fantastic! I'm so glad you're bringing this up, like, What does this have to do with the price of tomatoes? Because that's what I wanted. I'm here doing nothing. Well, this is the practice. We practice it. It's like going to the gym with small weights. It's the same thing with loving-kindness. We cultivate it so that when the 100-pound weight is present, like, Oh, I know how to do this. I've been practicing. I've been practicing in my heart, I've been practicing in my mind for those states. When the thought comes like, Okay, there's no good to come out of this. Yes, I could be equanimous, etc. So this is exactly why we do this practice. That's why it's called practice. We're practicing because there are a lot of performances in the world—when we're crossing the street, etc., when somebody sends us a text message or calls us.

So thank you for those reflections, everyone. I'd like to invite us to engage in small groups, small practice groups. I'm going to create them now, and the breakout groups are roughly size three. The invitation is to share a little bit—anything you'd like to share about tonight's practice, about the sense of embodiment, if there's something new for you, something that arose. You can also hold presence, quiet silence, offer your silence. Pass it off for one nugget from your own experience, allow the next person to offer their nugget or experience, and the next person again. Speak from your personal experience, not from your head, but embodiment. Let's really bring in embodiment, not advising or directing other people's experience. Be kind, take care of yourself, take care of each other. And yeah, it's beautiful to be able to share and spend time in sangha. So I'm going to create the rooms, take care of yourselves, and let's go reverse alphabetical order according to first name. Okay, so I'm going to open the room... one more second, and here we go.

Okay, the rooms are closed. Everybody is back. Hope you had a wonderful connection, and it's seven o'clock, so we don't have time for any reflections from the breakout groups. But tell you what, let's dedicate the merit^[8] and close, and I'll stay for an extra couple minutes on Zoom afterwards if there's anything you'd like to share. So thank you all. Thank you for practicing together and being equanimity. Yes, practicing on the cushion so that in the world we can show up for ourselves and for the benefit of others. May all beings be well, may all beings be happy, including ourselves.

Thanks everyone. Take care.