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Guided Meditation: Non-Harming

Hello everyone, and warm greetings. Sitting here with you, wishing you all a meaningful meditation, or a satisfying one. Even when it's not satisfying, though, it can be quite beneficial—sometimes even more beneficial—because the very things that make meditation difficult are often the very things that it's useful to bring mindfulness to. It might be very important to be mindful of and learn something new, to find a new way to be with oneself in a productive way with the difficulty.

One of the common descriptions of mindfulness practice you find here in the West is that it's a form of acceptance practice. Maybe so, and I'll talk more about that later. But right now, I'd like to offer you a very important baseline orientation for doing Buddhist meditation, for doing mindfulness practice, that is akin to acceptance in a certain way, but doesn't require doing something.

Often people have the impression that meditation is a lot about doing. Sometimes acceptance is understood as a ceasing of a lot of the doing that we do. In a sense, that's what I want to emphasize today: as you do the meditation today, rather than trying to focus so much on being mindful, rather than focusing a lot on some ideal like being compassionate or kind to yourself, focus on non-harming.

Be attentive enough to track what your mind does—the thoughts, the attitudes, the motivations, the actions you want to do—and simply avoid anything that could be seen as being harmful, even if the harm is not strong. But certainly, avoid anything in the category of aversion, hatred, or ill will towards yourself, towards others, or towards the meditation. Any movement of greed and desire which causes stress and strain. Any getting^[1] caught up in all kinds of thoughts about doubt, confusion, fantasy, and all which interfere with the kind of deep intimacy, a deep capacity for being at ease here and now.

What would happen to this meditation if you're attentive to avoid causing harm? The harm that comes from being alienated from yourself when we're lost in thought. If any of those movements of mind happen, let them be. Don't be involved in them, don't get behind them. There is no need to be critical that they occur, just let them be. The Buddhist question is to let be^[2] or not to let be; that is the question. And often the thing to do is to let be. Let it be; don't get involved.

So assuming a meditation posture, a posture that feels good for you, but also good because it brings a kind of alertness to the body. And maybe with the alertness of the body, know^[3] alertness in the mind. Gently closing your eyes, and begin by remembering, sensing, imagining, or finding what it might be like to have a mind and attitude of non-harming.

A mind that's not harming because it has a strong connection to a sense of ease, a sense of peace within. Imagining that kind of mind and heart, and taking a few long, slow, deep breaths. And as you exhale, relax into that possibility, the possibility of non-harming, a heart that doesn't want to harm.

And if any harming tendencies arise—it could be annoyance, criticism, self-criticism, some subtle attitude in which we undermine ourselves—let that be. Don't be involved in it. Relax on the exhale. Relax into it, so you approach the place within that's at ease and at peace, not in conflict with anything. Breathing in and breathing out.

Approaching meditation as a practice of non-harming.

And then, as we come to the end of this sitting, perhaps consider the benefits that come from non-harming. What would this world be like if there was a heightened dedication to non-harming? What would it feel like for you to live in a world where you were confident you would not be harmed? And perhaps consider how you would like to support others and have the experience of not having to worry about being harmed.

Perhaps that's one of the gifts you can give: a dedication to living a life of not harming. May it be that others can rest assured that they will not be the recipients of hate and ill will, meanness, bullying, and snide remarks. May it be that all beings may be happy, may be safe, may be peaceful, may be free. And to be able to live without an ongoing worry of being harmed by anyone, including by themselves. May we be dedicated to creating such a world by living it with a dedication to not harm.

Thank you.

Dharmette: Appreciation (4 of 5) Acceptance

Announcements

While I'm waiting for the recorder here to reset so I can push the record button, as mentioned again, tomorrow when this is over at a quarter to the hour, 7:45 in California, I'll open a Zoom room and we can have a 7:00 AM community meeting. I thought it'd be nice, partly because I'll be away for the following month, to check in and say hello, and maybe answer questions you might have. We'll probably do a breakout group. I'll post the Zoom link later today in 'What's New' on the homepage of IMC's website. I'll post it in the calendar, and also tomorrow morning I'll put it in the chat.

Another announcement is that this Sunday, IMC is going to have a potluck picnic from 11:00 AM to 1:00 PM here at IMC, after the morning meditation and teaching. So those of you who live close enough, it's a chance to come together in community. We'll do it outside. Thank you for that.

Accepting People As They Are

Continuing the theme of appreciation as a foundation for compassion, the next form of appreciation, which is more valuable and richer, is our ability to accept people as they are. This is a nuanced topic because, of course, there are people who do things that we can't accept. We're not condoning or allowing them to continue to do things which are harmful. But at the same time, it's profound for some people to be accepted as they are.

There are plenty of people in this society that are not accepted for basically who they are. Everywhere they go, there are people not accepting them, not including them, marginalizing them, or ignoring them because somehow they're not accepted. The non-accepting people might think that they're not being prejudiced or hostile, but there are subtle ways in which people keep silent, overlook them, ignore them, or prioritize other people to give their attention to. For some people, it's quite dramatic how they're not accepted; for others, it's subtle, but it takes its toll over a long time.

Because it's such a common phenomenon in the world that people in some way are not accepted—we don't make room for them, we don't include them—in our efforts to be inclusive and befriend people, it's such a powerful thing to do. For some people, it's rare. They rarely get accepted for themselves, for how they are. To have someone who sits down with them, is just there, and accepts them as they are, is profound.

I've known homeless people who, when I sat down on a bench with them and just talked with them, you could see something inside of them relax. At first, they felt kind of cautious. I remember one person who said, "Oh, I can go, I don't have to be here," as if they didn't belong there. But I reassured them it was okay, and we had a nice little conversation. So to accept people is a profound thing.

But how to do it in a way that is appropriate for oneself and for others is part of the art of it. It's a little hard to know all the ins and outs of when acceptance is appropriate and when it is not, but I'd like to propose that one of the first criteria, the first entry point to a radical acceptance of others, is to be dedicated towards not harming them. To have that as a clear guideline.

Certainly, that can be any kind of intentional harm that we do to them. If we have hate, if we have ill will, we complain about them, we blame them, we criticize them, or we make snide comments^[4] about them. Many forms of harm are caused by words we speak. So we want to avoid causing harm.

We also harm by our attention—who we attend to, who we notice, and who we don't notice, who we ignore. It's important to notice a little bit how we're using our attention socially. Who do we prioritize? Who do we zero in on, and who is not included in our attention? Are we causing harm by exclusion? By ignoring? Who is it that feels ignored? Who feels marginalized in the room, and is there some way to include them in the conversation if they're standing there and not being actively included?

As we move along in this investigation and consideration of non-harming, it's also taking other people into account. What is the experience like for them? What's happening for them? What do they need? And for people who are causing harm, people who are saying things that are mean, or people who are doing other things, is there some way to accept them that gets underneath the action they do?

This is a common idea: that we can separate the person from their actions. Then we might be able to have some way of not accepting the actions but accepting the person, and not being hostile to the person. Saying no to the actions, but saying yes to the person.

For example, without being angry back at someone who says something mean to us, we might say, "Oh wow, those words, they stung. I feel hurt by those words. They were difficult to hear. I care for you, but not the words." That kind of turns it around. It's a little difficult for people to continue saying harmful words if you tell them the impact they have had, and then immediately turn around and appreciate them in some way, hold them in some view of kindness, or have some acceptance of them as a person.

What needs to be accepted in people? It might not be the whole person. For the person saying mean words, what needs to be accepted is that they're scared, or they're lonely, or they're pretty upset and frustrated. So you might just say, "Oh, those words you spoke, they stung. I wonder if you're feeling sad or tired. Can I do something for you? Can we support you? Can I bring you some coffee or something?" This changes the language. You don't buy into the tone of voice, the attitude, or even the strategy that they are using, which you don't like or is hard not to participate in. You don't engage with it^[5] on its terms. But somehow, you step aside from that and return to the person, addressing some aspect of them that maybe needs acceptance, needs support, or needs something that pulls the energy away from the harming behavior.

This is not easy to do. But if we're dedicated to a life of non-harming, then just that itself might be seen as an acceptance. It could be naive, but we really try to understand what's going on for the person. We want to appreciate what can be appreciated. We want to understand them. What's really going on here? What's going on on the surface? What's deeper than their behavior that we don't like? What can we respect? Can we respect the person, not the behavior? And then, can we kind of be here in an accepting way?

I've been in situations where people have been angry at me. Sometimes I think it wasn't justified, but they were angry with me, and sometimes it has been justified. My ability to be accepting of the situation, accepting of the person's anger, making room for it—not accepting it because I condone it or approve of it, but being there and allowing myself to experience it, allowing it to be there—means that something different can happen, so it's not a fight between that person and me.

One of the nuanced, deeper ways that this topic of acceptance works, which I think is key to all of it working, is that we accept whatever the situation is. Whatever it is—and that's a radical thing to say—we accept it into awareness. We allow awareness to receive it, to know it, and that's it. What we might do in response, what we might say, or how we might evaluate the situation is a very different activity within. But we must allow it to come into awareness, so awareness doesn't shut down, so that with our awareness we're not already resisting, stopping, or attacking. There's something about the peaceful experience of allowing yourself to be aware of something, for it to be accepted into awareness.

That hopefully allows us to respond in a wise way, and we'll know what to do. And maybe, in making room to allow ourselves to experience it, to be aware of it, the other person will feel something's different going on here. "This is different, this is not what I'm used to." When this is someone who is sad and upset, for example, not doing harm, they're surprised by someone who has the ability to be calm, peaceful, and attentive to their sadness. We're able to accept the sadness and open to it, so we don't have to fix it right away or get too involved too quickly.

So this kind of acceptance and awareness, allowing awareness to be accepting, I think gives a lot more power to our appreciation and respect of others. Then there's a cleaner channel, a cleaner transmission of appreciation, and a clear transmission of respect that we give.

There are elements of appreciation. Appreciation^[6] itself, gratitude, valuing people. Then there's understanding people; without understanding, appreciation can't be that deep. There's respect. Respecting people, again, treating them as valuable human beings, valuable enough for us to pay attention to. And as we pay attention, we pay attention with an accepting attention, so that something deeper can happen in our acceptance, and we know what to accept in the person.

So one more time tomorrow, and the last element of appreciation. Thank you very much for being part of this, and I look forward to our time tomorrow.