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Happy Hour: Real Love

So hello, hello. Nice to be with you, come to practice together.

I'd like to share something from Thich Nhat Hanh's^[1] book tonight. He has so many wonderful, beautiful books, and one of my favorite ones is Peace Is Every Step. All these short vignettes, and I randomly opened a book to a page, and it opened to a passage that I love. And I thought, "Oh, okay. I'd like to share this tonight with the sangha^[2]." So here we go.

From Thich Nhat Hanh, this section is called "Real Love." And for those of you who may have the book and later want to look this up, it's on page 80. So Thich Nhat Hanh says about real love—let it wash over you, you can close your eyes, I'll read it slowly:

"We really have to understand the person we want to love. If our love is only a will to possess, it is not real love. If we only think of ourselves, if we know only our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love. We must look deeply in order to see and understand the needs, aspirations, and suffering of the person we love."

I love that. "Needs, aspirations, and suffering of the person we love. This is the ground of real love. You cannot resist loving another person when you really understand them."

I'll read the other couple of paragraphs. And please think about this love that he talks about not only as romantic love, of course not. It's love of any kind. Even when we have friends, colleagues, a sense of love and care. Only if we think of our own needs—or people elsewhere. So think of it as an expansive vision of love. He continues.

Next section is more about people we know, but again, we can take this principle and make it general. So, next section: "From time to time, sit close to the one you love, hold their hand and ask, 'Darling, do I understand you enough? Or am I making you suffer? Please tell me so that I can learn to love you properly. I don't want to make you suffer. And if I do so because of my ignorance, please tell me so that I can love you better, so that you can be happy.' If you say this in the voice that communicates your real openness and understanding, the other person may cry. That is a good sign because it means the door of understanding is opening and everything will be possible. Maybe a father does not have time or is not brave enough to ask his son such a question. Then the love between them will not be as full as it could be. We need courage to ask these questions. But if we don't ask, the more we love, the more we may destroy the people we are trying to love."

This is so profound. "If we don't ask, the more we love, the more we may destroy the people we are trying to love. True love needs understanding. With understanding, the one we love will certainly flower." What a beautiful teaching.

So both in terms of close relationships, when there's someone near and dear to us, could be a friend, in this case a child, or a relative, or even friends, colleagues. And the idea also I want to bring in here is that we can love people without even liking them. It is possible to not necessarily like someone, but to love them. And in this way, to care for, or understand, appreciate how to take the perspective of their needs, their suffering, their aspirations, their wants.

So as we've practiced together in the Happy Hour^[3] in the past with, say, the neutral being, with the person we don't know very well, and we bring this sense of common humanity, or "just like me," taking their perspective. "Just like me, as a human being who wants to be happy." So this idea of real love can be both in terms of people that are near and dear to us, people we care about in our lives, friends. And if we try to possess, if we try to just take their time, try to take their resources, that's not real love. Real love is not just about, "Me, me, me, my needs, my needs, what can you give me, dear friend, dear teacher, dear I don't know whatever, me, me, me, me, me." So a sense of, especially in close roles, or children, like to center^[4] my need to be loved—what is, what do they need? What is their need? And as Thich Nhat Hanh puts it: "We must look deeply in order to see and understand the needs, aspirations, and suffering of the people we love. This is the ground of real love."

One last thing to say. It is said that really understanding someone else, clear understanding, is equivalent to loving them. When we understand someone, when we really understand, the heart can open from this perspective of self-centeredness, just being centered on our own needs, to having a wider perspective, a bigger perspective. It's not just about me. Then service, actually, love can become an act of service. So I think I have said enough for setting the frame for our reflection, for our meditation today.

Guided Meditation

So I'd like to invite us all to land, to arrive in your body, in your posture. If you need to move to sit on your cushion or lie down, this is the time. Entering a posture that's going to be comfortable for the next thirty minutes or so, and landing, arriving in this body here.

Connecting, understanding, opening up to the sensations in this body in this moment. Not trying to control, but to open up to, to relax into. Can we have real love for ourselves, for this body? Even if there is pain, there are challenges. Not trying to conquer, but to open up to things as they are. This breath, this sensation, with openheartedness.

As always, let us arrive, let us settle first with the breath, as it moves through the body, the sensations wherever they show up. Expanding, touching, knowing every cell of this body, as if greeting breath, greeting internally. Gently kissing each cell, inviting you to relax, to be just as it is.

Awareness, awareness. Aware, awareness, knowing the breath, the sensations, just this. Releasing thoughts, plans, just being here, relishing this moment.

And I'd like to invite you, maybe first turning to ourselves, turning to this being that is me, as if it were a beloved other. As Thich Nhat Hanh recommends in this passage about real love, asking ourselves these loving questions first. Asking yourself, "Sweetheart, sweetheart, darling, am I making you suffer? Am I making you suffer? Please tell me so. Please tell me so that I can learn to love you properly. I don't want to make you suffer. And if I do so because of my ignorance, please tell me so that I can love you better."

Can we ask ourselves this question? See what arises. Don't think about it, drop it in. Drop the question into your body. As if a pebble dropped into a pond, resonating, the water resonating, reverberating. "How can I love you better, sweetheart, darling?"

Maybe the answer is wordless. Maybe just asking this question is enough for something to be unleashed, opened up internally.

I like to experiment with putting a palm on your heart center, your chest. Connect with yourself physically more fully. Your own heart. "Darling, sweetheart, how can I love you better? Am I making you suffer? Help me see, help me know. How can I love you better?"

And this is not a chance to self-recriminate or self-judge. Just meeting yourself with love, with understanding. In fact, it's a time not to do any self-judgment or self-criticism. If any of that is coming up, let's drop it. Not needed, release. Not a time for self-judgment or shame. Just loving, caring, as best as we're able to.

And now I'd like to invite you to bring to your mind's eye, if you wish—you want to stay with yourself, if it's been a hard day and lovingly stay with yourself, that's fine. And if it feels appropriate to move on, that's okay also. See what your heart needs right now. What is the ultimate expression of care? If you like, you can now bring to your mind's eye someone who's near and dear to you. Someone you love, care for their well-being. So, with whom you have an easy relationship perhaps. Wondering, and in your heart, your mind, asking: "How can I understand you better? My dear, what are your needs, your aspirations, your hopes, the ways you suffer? How can I understand you? How can I understand you better?" Not to possess, not to satisfy my own needs, but to understand you. To step out of my limited perspective, what I, me, me, I want, to see you from your complicated, complex, beautiful perspective of the uniqueness of you. As if I were gazing at the world through your eyes as much as possible.

How can I love you better through understanding you? See for a moment, as if you were stepping behind your eyes, looking at the world. What does it feel like? What do you see? How can you love them better? For their sake, not your sake. Their needs and wants.

In this way, love can be service. Love as service. Serving their growth, serving their goodness, their beauty. "How can I serve you better? How can I love you better?"

And you can stay with yourself if you like, as a beloved other, or a dear being in your life. You want to try a bit of a stretch? Maybe bringing someone to mind that's different from you. In many ways different, maybe you've had some minor challenge with. Please don't choose the hardest, most challenging person for you. Just tread lightly. Someone maybe who's been complicated a little bit in the past. Just a tiny, tiny bit challenging. Just a touch of challenge, where there isn't much energy. And if no one comes up, then go back to your dear person or yourself.

And can you see this person, this being, from their perspective? Their hopes and dreams, their aspirations, the way they suffer, they suffer, as if you're looking into the world through their eyes and trying to understand them. You could have been born as them. They could have been born as you. This is so random, the bodies, the circumstances, the parents we're born to, the family background, upbringing. What if you were them? Even if there are areas of their personality you don't like or you disagree with, can you love them? Meaning, can you understand them better? Just a little better. Doesn't need to agree with everything. Just, can you understand them just a tiny bit more from this perspective?

And we offer our love to the world. Stepping outside of ourselves, from ourselves as a beloved other too. Just this short lifespan of being human. With hopes, aspirations, intentions, needs, sorrows, sufferings. Here, being us. We love, can we offer our love to the world? Our care, our warmth, our service. Service is love. Love and service. True love, true understanding.

May all beings everywhere, all things everywhere, know real love, love themselves, appreciate their own goodness. May they offer their love to others with generosity. May all beings everywhere be happy. May all beings everywhere be free.

Thank you for your practice, everyone. Sadhu^[5]. This teaching by Thich Nhat Hanh.

Reflections and Q&A

So we have time for reflections. And I hope that my internet is a little unstable, I hope you can hear me. I know I might be freezing, but you are welcome. Hopefully you can still hear me. Ah, see some reflections. Thank you, Paul. "That was lovely." You are so welcome. Thank you for your practice.

So I like to open up the space for reflections. What did you discover? What came up? Especially if you haven't spoken for a while, offering your insights, or your questions, or your confusion as an offering to serve both yourself, being held, being witnessed, and for the benefit of others. If there are "aha" moments, you can type them in chat if you like. If you type them to the group, then I will read the reflections. If you type them to me alone, it will be private. You can also raise your hand. And if you cannot hear me, you can type it, but I think my image is frozen but I think audio is still working, so I hope it's still good.

So any reflections, any thoughts you'd like to share from this practice? Questions, comments?

"Deep gassho^[6], thank you." You're welcome. Thank you for your practice.

See a private question coming. "I have quit meditating for many months now, the reason being every time I sit to meditate my mind wanders and I become enraged with hatred for people who have done wrong to me, although they are not in my life anymore. So instead I chose to concentrate on hobbies, hobbies that require concentration like learning to play an instrument and learning a new language. How can I get engaged in regular meditation again? Thank you."

Thank you so much for that question. Yeah, beautiful question, and very apt. The invitation, the recommendation I have for you is, first and foremost, as you engage with practice, to practice self-compassion. Compassion and love and care for yourself because you are the one who is suffering anger. When we're angry, we feel like, "Oh yeah, we're angry at others." But it's like picking up a hot coal that you're trying to throw at someone. But who gets hurt when you pick up a hot coal? Well, you get hurt first, of course. So feeling, holding yourself with compassion. When the mind goes to "they, they, they," just bring it back. "Sweetheart, sweetheart. They've gone off, they're living their life. They don't even know I'm hurting right now. Just hurting yourself." As if you're holding a young child, a younger version of yourself. Just holding this young child, letting it have a tantrum, letting it cry, letting it be angry. Just hold it. "Sweetheart, it's okay, you're safe, you're safe, you're safe, it's okay." Just holding the child as long as it's needed for it to be angry. With love. With love. Not thinking about others, but just yourself. So that's a way to re-engage, that's my invitation. And you're welcome, please come back and send me a little report and tell me how it went. You can also send me an email through my website, tell me how this practice I'm inviting... but you really have to hang in there. You really have to let the angry version of yourself be, and just with love, with love, with love, maternal love, just stay. Stay. It's going to take a lot of courage, which is great, because it both brings up your own strength and courage to be with your own suffering with love. So it's a courageous practice. It's really a loving warrior practice. A loving warrior brings up a sense of strength as well as love. So that's what I invite you to do.

Co^[7], I see your hand is up. Please.

Co: Yes. Well, the only near and dear self that I have is myself, and it's been a difficult number of days. And so it was a big question to ask myself: how can I better understand myself? Because I don't have to look very far to find a very complicated person as myself. And I don't find it easy at all. I can accept myself even when I'm full of resistance. But that's about all I can do, is just accept my resistance. And I don't know why I'm maybe feeling so much resistance. Yeah, that's the best I can do, is to accept that. And just figure that maybe the best thing I can do is be patient.

Nikki: Yes. There is so much wisdom, Co, in what you just shared. I want to applaud your inner wisdom. That is beautiful. That is pure wisdom, acceptance. You may not understand it, that's okay. But can you understand the resistance? "Oh dear, sweetheart, there's a resistance here. Okay, I can't be with that, I don't understand it, and I don't need to probe. Was it my childhood? My mother?" It's okay. I can just be patient and hold it with kindness. There is so much wisdom in that. To allow it to be and unwind and show you the answers. Because when we let our confusion, our resistance, our anger feel safe—when we offer safety to these complicated emotions without needing to necessarily understand them—so yes, let's back up from that word "understanding." I appreciate that he's using it here. Let's back up from that understanding of that word, and yeah, using this acceptance, allowing, that is deep wisdom. Thanks so much for bringing that in, Co. Appreciate it.

A couple of other reflections here, and before we go quickly into groups. Yeah, another reflection: "Wonderful loving practice. Seek first to understand before being understood." Quote from Stephen Covey. Another reflection: "Thank you, Nikki. The invitation to ask myself what I need, how I can love and support this being was timely and moving. Thank you." And Dave says, "Compassion and mettā^[8] for the Russians who are suffering." Absolutely, yes. Absolutely, yes. So many beings, we all suffer in so many different ways, especially people in areas of war right now in this world. Love as service. Thank you for bringing that in. And the last week I offered every session compassion and mettā, bringing in the people in Ukraine especially, and now bringing in Russia. And tonight we're staying a little more personal, but of course it's practicing love as service. It's not a selfish aspect, serving all beings.

So I'd like to invite us now to turn to engaging in small groups together. And can we hold patiently each other, and just listen or share as little or as much as you need to? Let's start with maybe ten, fifteen seconds of silent mettā for one another, and then share as little as you like, or maybe just hold space for one another. Maybe that's a way of listening and holding and understanding. Or maybe sharing what your feeling is about real love, this understanding as love. Love as service. So the rooms are created. I'm opening them up. Please take care of yourselves, take care of each other. Speak only from your own experience. Here we go.

Okay, welcome back everyone. And gosh, it is 7:00, so we have more time, I think earlier, with questions and reflections. So why don't we dedicate the merit and close our practice together? Thank you all for practicing, and may the goodness of our cultivation together be a cause and condition for goodness, for real love, for care in the world. May all beings be well. May all beings be happy, including ourselves. Thank you so much.