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Connecting with warm-heartedness (5 of 5)

Good morning again. Today is Friday, so it's the last day in this series that I'm teaching while Gil^[1] is on vacation. For those of you who don't know, I've been talking about connection. As I mentioned at the beginning of the guided meditation, connection really isn't a Buddhist word per se, but in some ways, for me, it feels like such an integral—if not the integral—part of practice. We could define it in some vague way as just being the opposite of being disconnected.

When we think about when we're disconnected, it means that we're lost in stories or trying to really make something happen in a way that is not aware of the consequences it's having, or the context in which this experience or thing is happening. Being disconnected from our inner life or some of the roots of our behavior can just create the conditions for suffering. And, of course, our practice is about finding the end to suffering and alleviating suffering.

This journey of connecting, of course, includes connecting with others, which I spoke a little bit about on Tuesday and Wednesday. Yesterday I spoke about connecting with ourselves through our bodily experience, and today I'd like to talk a little bit more about connecting with ourselves, with a little bit more of an emphasis on our inner experience.

The Journey of Connecting with Ourselves

For many of us, the journey of connecting with ourselves—being present for ourselves, really getting to know and understand ourselves—might begin with a meditation practice. Perhaps we started meditating with the idea of wanting to have less stress, more clarity, or some more balance. Or maybe we heard it was good for us, whatever the reason might be.

When we sit down and have the instructions to pay attention to the breath, or whatever it might be, we might notice that there are all these different aspects of our experience. Aspects of ourselves that perhaps we have been habitually compartmentalizing: Okay, I can only be with these experiences. I only want to be with these experiences, not these. There's a certain kind of fragmentation and separation, both with our inner life in general—I don't like to see that aspect of myself; I do like to see this aspect of myself—or with our experience. Maybe we are only looking at that which is uncomfortable and not noticing that which is okay, neutral, pleasant, or a vague sense of well-being.

As we start our meditation practice, we start to see how we had been creating these separations. Any warm-heartedness we might wish to cultivate towards ourselves, some allowing, some acceptance, can be unstable—maybe even feeble—because it requires certain conditions. To be open and accepting—I'm using this word warm-heartedness; I like this expression, it's a vague word that allows for a big spectrum of responses—any warm-heartedness we might cultivate for ourselves is unsteady as long as we're compartmentalizing and fragmenting: I can be with this, but I can't be with that. It requires that we build firewalls between the "good" things and the uncomfortable things.

Mettā: An Unconditional Quality

Many of you know the quality of loving-kindness, mettā^[2]. It can be an integral part not only of the path to freedom but the path of connecting to ourselves. Mettā, or goodwill, has an unconditional quality to it. It is a quality that is not about compartmentalizing; it's the opposite. It's about wholeness, meeting all that's arising.

It's that quality of the heart and the mind that allows us to say, "This, too," when we're having uncomfortable or difficult experiences, when the body is uncomfortable, when we find that our thoughts are going, going, going, or when there are sounds. That quality allows us to open up and say, "Okay, come on in. This, too." That's a quality of mettā, warm-heartedness, and loving-kindness without limits. It's the immeasurable quality of this.

This ability to connect with, and maybe even embrace, all aspects of ourselves relieves us of the need for things to be different and relieves us of the need to separate ourselves. In this way, warm-heartedness and loving-kindness for ourselves goes beyond simply feeling good about ourselves, and it's not about convincing ourselves of anything. It's not sentimental or sappy; it's not a facsimile of caring—it's actually caring. It's not trying to rearrange and make everything perfect so that there can be warm-heartedness and open-heartedness. It's the open-heartedness and warm-heartedness that exists with things just as they are that allows us to say, "This, too."

Responding to Suffering with Kindness

It's also about not beating ourselves up. It's about not having hostility towards ourselves when we're having difficulties, when we make a mistake, or when we learn things about ourselves that are uncomfortable. Rather than beating ourselves up, it's about saying to ourselves, "Yes, I'm having difficulties. This is uncomfortable. I'm suffering," and then responding to the suffering with kindness, understanding, and caring.

In the same way, Buddhist practice is very much about recognizing that there are difficulties and, as best we can, turning towards them in a way that's appropriate for us and matches our capacities—not slipping into overwhelm, but turning towards what's actually happening.

One of the key teachings of the Buddha is that there is suffering. There are difficulties; there are uncomfortable times. And there is freedom from suffering; there is freedom from difficulties. It's not about getting everything aligned perfectly, and it's not about making all the uncomfortable things go away. It's about having some warm-heartedness, having some "this, too," and shifting our attitude towards the difficulties.

Letting Go and Finding Freedom

That movement of having loving-kindness and mettā for ourselves, whatever might be showing up, is the same movement that allows us to be with all the myriad difficulties of the human experience. It is the same movement of letting go—letting go of needing things to be different, letting go of wanting things to be a particular way. Letting go is where we find freedom, where we find ease, and it is the movement towards greater and greater peace and happiness.

Practicing with ourselves—both folding in what's happening with some warm-heartedness and letting go of wanting things to be different—and having some loving-kindness, goodwill, warmth, and care towards our experience is the opposite of ill will. It's the opposite of hostility and criticism we might have. This undermines one of the root unskillful behaviors or attitudes that the Buddha identified as underlying so much of our suffering: the root of ill will. Practicing warm-heartedness towards ourselves helps undo some of the power of ill will, which supports greater and greater freedom. The less ill will, the more freedom; the less hatred, the more freedom.

Connecting with Others

Connecting with ourselves with warm-heartedness can be an integral part of greater freedom. Of course, what we experience for ourselves—and the greater peace, ease, or happiness we have for ourselves—affects how we show up for others. Seeing the different aspects of ourselves helps us recognize that this is part of the human experience, and it helps us hold and accept it in others. When others see us behaving in a way that is not filled with hatred, but is filled with kindness and care, it lets people know that it is possible to show kindness and care in all conditions and all experiences.

Every movement towards accepting our experience and approaching it with an attitude of warm-heartedness helps create the conditions to train the mind and heart. It lets us know it's possible for greater freedom to lead to ultimate freedom, complete freedom, and awakening. It also helps us connect with others, and for others to connect with us. In this way, it can be an integral part of connection, peace, and freedom.

As you go through your day today, you might just notice if there's a way you can bring an openness—I'm using this word warm-heartedness, but you might have another word like caring, goodwill, respect, or kindness—towards one's experience. See if there might be a way you can bring that particular attitude, not because it's sappy or sentimental, but because it's part of the way we can find freedom not only for ourselves, but also help create the conditions for freedom for everybody—all of us, all beings everywhere. Thank you.