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Guided Meditation: Mindfulness as Respect

Hello and welcome. Sometimes we say things twice when they have particular value, meaning, or emphasis. So, I want to offer you again my warm greetings and appreciate very much our time together. This idea of saying something again to really give emphasis to it can also be applied to mindfulness meditation. In this case, it is not so much saying something again, but giving something a second look.

The first time we are aware of something, it just comes into awareness naturally. But the second time can be somewhat intentional—a choice. We might say, "Let's take a deeper look at this," or, "Let's really be connected to this." Let's now really see this, be aware of it, or know it. This is not a choice to strain, search, or analyze, but simply to stop and be more fully present in an intentional way.

There are these two movements in mindfulness practice. First, there is what comes into awareness on its own, naturally. There are a lot of things that happen in that time. Sometimes in practice, we stay close to that mode of being. It is such a relief not to be the doer, the actor, or the one who has to make choices. Sometimes it is called choiceless awareness, open awareness, or non-directed awareness. This awareness just allows things to appear. We settle back, become aware, and allow the whole dance of experience to be there. That is one way.

The other way, which is just as important, has some intentionality to it—some sense of purpose. We decide, "Yes, let me really know this now. Let me stay here, take it in, and let it register more deeply. Let me feel it. Let me know it. Let me see it." I like to refer to this second way as respect. In Latin, the words re and spect mean to look again. We give it a second look.

This intentional, purposeful way is very close to when we choose to love. There probably is no love without respect. There is no love without gazing upon people, acknowledging their autonomy, their agency, their value, their sacredness, and their beauty. Recognizing that they are valuable and respect-worthy means stopping to give them a second look and listening deeply. We can hear, and then we can choose to hear with love and respect. We listen because they are important and valuable. Part of love is to convey this respect to people—that they count and are valuable—and we show this by listening to them.

In meditation, that form of love that is imbued with respect can be present in the other half of mindfulness practice—the practice where there is a choice. Let's take a deeper, clearer look. Let's register this. Let's respect whatever is going on to see it more deeply, to allow it to be there, and to let it show itself fully in whatever way it wants. It is not respect-worthy to probe, push, and search for something. Respect is simply allowing something to be itself, but really taking it in and seeing it. We can do that in meditation, and it can be a form of love.

So, assume a meditation posture. Right there, putting your body into a nice meditative posture can be done with respect. We don't do it in a hurry. We take our time because we are respecting the body and the posture, taking time to feel it and know it well. In a sense, the posture that we should sit in reveals itself. It is not so much a policy of how we should sit, but a deep inner sensibility that we start listening to. How does the body want to sit so it is alert and comfortable?

Gently close the eyes. Respect with love your own personal experience. Try not to have an agenda first, and do not try to do something, criticize, or get away from anything. The respectful thing is to just be present for yourself as you are. Be present as if you are going to listen or take things in deeply, in a quiet way, without overriding or trying to get rid of or change anything. Have deep respect for how you happen to be right now.

Allow that deep check-in to be about your body. Let your attention roam around the body with respect for every tension and every place in your body. Just say hello and give it a second look, a deeper look, a deeper feel. Let the body reveal itself. Whatever arises, give it a second look.

Gently take some deeper, fuller breaths. As you exhale, relax your body and soften. Breathing in and feeling your body more fully is a purposeful act of respect—a purposeful act of sensing, feeling, knowing, and listening more deeply. The exhale is a relaxing.

Whatever arises for you as you meditate on your breathing, it simply appears, perhaps unbidden: a thought, a feeling, a sensation, or a sound. When it seems right, choose to let it register more deeply. Choose to know what this experience is as a form of respect, as a form of love, and as a form of being available. Fully and clearly know what has arisen. Here, to know and to love are just about synonymous.

Whatever is happening, give it a second look. Let that second look be an act of respect and an act of love. The second look is an expression of love, treating whatever comes into awareness as something to gaze upon kindly.

In the quiet stillness of your meditation, in spite of the noise of a lot of chatter or thoughts, is there a tender, warm, radiating place deep down? A place of love, kindness, friendliness, compassion, appreciative joy, loving equanimity, or a sense of care?^[1] If there is, an expression of that is to gaze upon the world with respect. Be willing to give everything a second look. Look past our judgments, bias, reactivity, resistance, and fears. With clear eyes and clear ears, listen, see, and know with loving respect.

Spend a minute or so at the end of a meditation centered on yourself and centered in your heart. Gaze out across the lands. Bring to mind the people in your life and strangers across the lands and the world. Give them the gift of respect—the gift of seeing them in their dignity and their worth. See them as having value. Maybe remember that once upon a time, chances are they had parents who looked upon them with love and kindness, and maybe still do. Gaze upon everyone with respect as an expression of love.

May all beings be happy. May all beings be safe. May all beings be peaceful. May all beings be free.^[2] And may our respect for others be how we begin to live in this world for the welfare and happiness of all. Because how can we really benefit people if we don't respect them? Thank you.

Dharmette: Love (78) Loving Respect

Hello and welcome to this week's series on love. The particular orientation today is the expressions of love. It is one thing to feel love, and it is another thing to express it. Sometimes when people love, their primary orientation is to receive something. We love someone and we can't wait until they love us back, or we primarily care about what we receive. Another whole orientation, which is closer to the heart of love, is not what we receive, but what we offer. We focus on what we give and the expressions that come out of us.

We have talked about generosity, non-harming, and kind speech. Today I'd like to offer respect as an expression of love. How can we love without respecting the people we love? If there is no respect for others, then our love is probably not clean, or it might not even be love. It might be a strong urge or desire. Compelling urges can sometimes have a pleasure or a promise of pleasure to them that gets mistaken for love. Mostly, however, that is just desire. True love requires deep respect—the kind of love that we are practicing and developing here in Buddhism.

I love the word respect because it implies that we see others as being worthy of attention. We see them as worthy of us simply being present for them. To see them, to know them, and to hear them. It means treating them as full-fledged humans with agency, autonomy, and choices of their own. It means recognizing that what they have to say is valuable and important. That is the beginning stance. Why would we have that wish? Not because we should or are required to, but because it is a natural expression of love. This is a love that is not tinged by the strong desire of wanting something, a love that does not get impatient, is not in a hurry, and does not override other things. What we are looking for is a love that has time and space, a love that has a feeling of generosity and openness to our experience.

I remember many years ago, I was at an airport where a very famous politician came through. He was going down a line—like a picket fence—shaking people's hands. I stood there with my hand out, feeling fortunate to be able to shake hands with this very famous person. As his hand went into mine, it went limp. He was already looking down at the next people in the row. There was no contact, no respect, and no conveying of value. It felt like an afterthought. The purpose of the handshake seemed to disappear as soon as physical contact was made, and it just felt yucky. That happens when we don't really stop to be present for people in a clear, kind way. We let our opinions, our stories, or our needs override simple, respectful presence for someone else.

I had a very important experience once when I greeted a friend who had suddenly showed up. We were good friends, and we often joked around. He walked into the room, and I said something offhand and teasing, happy to see him. But I hadn't taken the time to register, feel, recognize, and respect him before I came forward with my own agenda and my own joy. I overrode whatever might have been there for him. As it turned out, one of his best friends had just died. It was not the time to be joking or teasing. I realized, "Wow, I didn't take my time to get to know him, to just check in and feel him first." Even though my reaction came from the joy of seeing him, I still overrode the moment. If I had waited just three to five seconds, I would have recognized what was going on, and I would have approached the whole situation differently. If he had been in his normal state, I could have brought forth the joy of our relationship in that way.

Taking time to respect people can be a difficult topic, because some people behave in ways that don't seem to command our respect. But respect doesn't mean we approve of people or approve of what they do. Respect, in this mindful way, means we respect people enough to be present, to really see them, and to listen. It conveys to others: "You count enough that I am going to listen. I am going to hear you, sense you, and accompany you." It doesn't have to be for a long time, but it is that second look. I like to interpret the Latin roots of the word respect as the second look we give.

As I said in the meditation, there are two wonderful aspects of mindfulness. First, there is discovering awareness. This doesn't require any agency or choice. It is just settling back and allowing the unfolding of experience as it comes naturally into awareness. We don't interfere with it, we don't get ahead of ourselves, and we don't judge; we just allow it to come. In deep meditation especially, it is powerful to experience this natural awareness flowing through without an agent doing it. It just does itself.

But there is a whole other side of attention and awareness, and that is the part where we have autonomy and agency. Just as we want to grant other people their agency, autonomy, and ability to choose when we respect them, we have our own agency. That agency is giving the second look. The first experience just arises; the second is what we add. For example, if a thought arises in our mind, that first thought is not our responsibility. It simply arises from causes and conditions.^[3] But the next step—do we pick it up? Do we get involved? Do we believe it? Do we recoil? Do we judge it?—is up to us. One choice is to simply give it a second look. We can observe: "Look at that thought. That was a difficult thought, not a pleasant one. What does that feel like? Where is it? What is happening here? Let me be present," rather than reacting with, "Oh no, I'm a terrible person for having that terrible thought." Reacting that way is a lack of respect. Everything deserves its respect because everything is there due to causes and conditions.

What we learn in mindfulness is that respectful presence and respectful love change the whole ecosystem in a wonderful way. We don't have to intend to change it. We don't have to judge, exercise agency, or do things. The agency we can have is simply the agency to give it a second look—a loving look, a respectful look.

An expression of the deep love we have been exploring for the last six months is a natural expression of respect—giving others and ourselves a second look. That second look carries love with it. The first look might not, but with the second one, we settle back and decide, "I am going to be here now, and I will be present. I will do it with kindness, kind speech, generosity, and non-harming. I am going to value this person simply because they are alive, their heart is beating, and they are a human like me." We don't have to agree with them, argue with them, or fix them. We can simply be present. This doesn't mean we give in to them or let ourselves be taken advantage of. In this powerful stance of the second look, we are just being fully present because we respect them.

The way in which love is expressed as respect is a very profound aspect of love. I like to think there cannot really be genuine love without respect for the other. Unfortunately, many people override respect because their love is filled with desires about how things should be, what they want to have, and what they need to have. When that happens, respect doesn't have a chance.

So, for the next twenty-four hours, I invite you to explore how this idea of respect can support the cultivation and growth of love for you. How does respectful love come out of you? What does it mean to love people with respect, and to respect people with love? In this exploration, you might have to come up with your own definition of respect rather than relying on what I've said. This could be a fascinating conversation to have with friends or strangers. What is the connection between love and respect? See what interesting conversations or contemplations you have today connecting love and respect.

Thank you very much. May your respectful love of others benefit this world.