This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video above. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.

Happy Hour: Pre-Forgiveness Practice

Hello and welcome, everyone. It's good to see you here at Happy Hour, dear sangha^[1].

For today's practice, I was having a tough time deciding between two practices, so maybe I'll do one today and another one next time, or on Friday. The practice for today I'd like to invite us to consider is tilling the soil, or preparing the soil, for forgiveness.

We are human beings. We all go through life, and there might have been situations where there's still a little bit of lack of clarity—not being completely clear with somebody in our lives. We may or may not be ready to forgive them, or maybe we have forgiven them to some extent. So anywhere there has been some kind of challenge, or rub, or entanglement with someone in our lives, where we have pushed their buttons, they have pushed our buttons—it happens. We're human beings, we get entangled, right? Is there a single one of us who hasn't had an entanglement?

In order to till the soil, to really prepare our hearts for forgiveness, even if we're not quite ready for forgiveness—because forgiveness is something that can't be pushed, can't be rushed. Or maybe, as I said, we've forgiven this person to a large extent, but maybe there's still a little rub there. And of course, this idea of forgiveness doesn't mean that we bring them back into our lives, but just that there's clarity in our heart.

The way we till the soil, the way we prepare our hearts to be ready for forgiveness, is to consider their common humanity, to consider their good qualities, to consider some of the good deeds they have done for us. Maybe in the past we've been friends. Just recollecting, bringing to our heart—not with forcing and pushing, but to really gladden our heart—that there is this other human being who has some good qualities. Maybe they are really supporting some other people in some ways through their work or through their family life.

Again, we're not trying to rush into forgiveness. Tonight, in some ways, maybe this could be framed as mettā^[2] for someone we have had challenges with, but with our ear or eye out like, "Oh yeah, when we do this, when we consider their goodness, the heart gets ready, the soil gets tilled for forgiveness at some point, whenever the heart is ready."

So that is the framing, that is the context. I hope I've been clear enough. Maybe I'll just say one more thing about it. What I'm inviting us to explore tonight is considering in our hearts the good qualities of someone we've had an entanglement with. It's similar, but slightly different from doing mettā for them, as you will see. And it's definitely not forgiveness yet, right? Forgiveness might arise tonight. Naturally, great, if it comes up, have fun with it. But we're just recollecting goodness. It's a recollection of goodness. That's how I'm framing the practice tonight.

Let's explore. Let's see what happens. Different things might come up. Always trust your experience. If at any point it gets challenging or difficult, go to self-care, go to self-compassion, self-mettā, taking care of your own heart. If challenges from the past really bubble up and you find yourself in anger or remorse, just go back to self-compassion: "Alright, dear, it's okay, it's alright." As long as you bring kindness to whatever comes up, you are doing the practice right.

Let me say that again: as long as you turn with kindness and hold with kindness whatever is coming up—even if it's remorse or anger—if you're kind with it, just holding it with patience and kindness, you're doing this practice perfectly right. It's all about mettā.

Plenty of words to set the frame. Let's formally start our practice together.

Guided Meditation

Let's, as always, land in our bodies. Start with mindfulness of the body, mindfulness of the breath.

Aware. Aware of the body. Aware of the heaviness of this body, letting the body be heavy. Offering the weight of all the muscles, starting from the feet, through your legs, sit bones, abdomen, chest, arms, hands, neck, shoulders, head. Ah, the entire body. Offering the entire body's weight to the earth.

Inviting all the muscles to soften. Ah, the next exhale. Letting go some more, letting go into the chair, into the cushion, into Mother Earth, into your feet.

So nice just to sit, just to sit and be breathed. Breath breathing you. Breath knowing what to do. Just resting. Taking refuge for a moment from the stream, the busyness of our lives. Just this breath. And breath.

Let the awareness be receptive, receiving the breath with ease. Receiving the breath in the abdomen, the lower abdomen.

And if thoughts arise, it's okay. It's alright. Noticing what thought has arisen, and as if it's an old friend, smilingly greet it. Say, "Thank you, but not now. Can you visit, come another time, please? I'll wait for you then. But right now, I'm giving my whole heart. Wholeheartedly, I'm giving myself to this practice." Just being quiet, settling, connecting with kindness to this body, to this moment.

Letting yourself enjoy the breath, the simplicity of just sitting and breathing. So much richness in just this moment. Richness in the simplicity.

And while feeling embodied, feeling your breath in the abdomen, feeling your feet on the floor, your hands on your lap, your sit bones on the chair or the cushion, and if you're sitting on the floor, the entire bottom of your legs contacting the earth. Feeling a body. Feeling the body breathing.

Now I'd like to invite you, continuing to feel embodied so the center of gravity is low in the body, in your abdomen, not in your head. As I give invitations, if and when you notice you're thinking, the center of gravity has moved up, ever so gently drop back in. Drop in into your chair, your cushion.

I'd like to invite you to bring to your heart, first so we prime our heart, bring someone who's easy. Someone you care for, someone with whom you have a good, easy relationship. Could be a child, could be a pet, could be an adult.

As you bring this being to your heart, feeling what it feels like to consider them in your body. Maybe you notice a sense of peace and ease, or a smile shows up. Just notice. Maybe a sense of friendliness, goodwill, that this person has for you and you have for them. Care, love.

And with each breath—so that it feels embodied, not thinking—let there be a recollection, a sense of something you appreciate about them. And you stay for a few breaths with it. Something you appreciate about this being. Just breathe with it.

Maybe you've been friends, this is a human being you've been friends for a long time. Letting the various things arise, feeling them with the breath. Maybe you appreciate that they're happy when they see you. This could be particularly true if you've chosen a pet.

Let each of these recollections brighten your heart. Brighten your heart, gladden your heart. As if you're soaking in them. Taking them in with each breath. Take your time with the different qualities. Or it may be things they have done for you, or they do for you. Maybe they call you, or have called you when you're not feeling well.

Really let yourself breathe and then take it in, brightening your heart. We all have this capacity.

Let your heart be gladdened, made brighter with these recollections. Recollecting dimensions, aspects of their buddhahood, their inner beauty, their goodness. Their buddha nature^[3].

Now, with our heart primed and recollecting of goodness, I'd like to invite you to choose someone you've had some entanglement with. Not the toughest one on the list, not number one, not the most challenging, but someone that maybe you have already worked some things through, or in your heart at least you've offered some forgiveness. It's not too big. It's just a little entangled. Just a little entangled, not over the top entangled.

Choosing this being, bringing them to your heart. And similarly noticing that they too have a buddha nature. Not condoning the harm that was done, but they too are a human being. Can you bring to heart some of their good qualities? Some of the ways maybe they supported you in the past, or that they're kind, loving, giving to others. Or that their work supports others. Their gifts in this world.

If you need to keep some separation, not really bringing them close to your heart, but just having some kind of separation, it's okay too for this practice. They don't need to be right up close. As long as you feel into their goodness. Again, if even them at a distance feels too much, then go back to your dear being, your easy being. And when there's more stability, you can come back to this person that there's been some challenge with. Maybe keep them at a bit of a distance, maybe they're sitting on the other side of the room, but you still see their goodness. You let yourself see their goodness. They're not all bad.

Maybe there are some things that come to them naturally which you appreciate.

Maybe even let yourself see some of their vulnerability.

If the feeling of goodwill comes up naturally, you can offer it, and if not, that's okay. Respect where you are.

We all have challenges in this life. Every single one of us has challenges and vulnerabilities.

And if natural forgiveness arises—as much as it arises, partially—you can offer it, and if not, it's okay, don't push it. Recollecting good, wholesome qualities and acts of goodness.

For the last minutes of this practice period, recollecting your own good qualities. For showing up and practicing, doing the best you could given the causes and conditions. And letting go, letting go of any judgment, anything that was challenging or difficult. You've done your best. Offering forgiveness to yourself, goodness to yourself. And wishing well for all beings everywhere.

May all beings know the blessings of their own heart, their own goodness, their own buddha nature. May all beings be free.

Thanks, everyone. Thank you for your practice.

Reflections and Q&A

It is said that forgiveness is for the courageous. By building, by recollecting the goodness of people who we've had some entanglement with, we build more courage in this way.

So, I'd love to invite you to share questions, comments, observations. What came up for you? What did you notice? You can type them in chat, and if you write them to me privately, I will only read your reflection, not your name. If you write it to everyone, then they'll acknowledge you, your name. You can also raise your hand, especially if you haven't spoken for a while. I would love to hear from you. What did you discover with this practice?

I'll share something with you. As I was doing the practice, I found myself smiling. Of course, at the beginning when I was recollecting the good qualities of a person dear, my heart was lighting up. But I also found myself recollecting the good qualities of someone I've had some entanglement with, and that also made me smile. It made me light up. My mind wanted to just consider and remember and recollect more and more of the good qualities of this person that I had forgotten. Having mettā for them, seeing their vulnerabilities, and offering even more forgiveness—it just became natural, just flowed. Like the Buddha says, the stream water just flows downhill naturally. All these started to flow naturally. Of course, your mileage might vary. I'm just sharing my own practice report a little bit as support, as inspiration. But it's all good, maybe it was challenging, maybe it was very difficult for you. It's all good. Bring it on.

One reflection from someone: "I was just thinking about how I still feel angry towards my ex, even though I think I have found forgiveness. If anger is still present, does that mean I still have further forgiveness to give? This was very emotional for me."

Yeah, thank you for sharing this. If there is still anger, yes. I respect your inner wisdom knowing that you know yourself, that there is still further forgiveness to work through, to offer. Thank you for that reflection. I appreciate this practice can be emotional and can't be rushed or pushed.

Other reflections please? Questions, complaints, discoveries?

Dawn says, "I smiled too, thinking of others. I also thought of the anger that I caused in others, needed to forgive myself." Yeah, beautiful. Thank you for that reflection, how this can go deep and seeing and offering forgiveness to ourselves.

Yes, please Carol.

Carol: Hi Nikki. Thanks for the nice guided meditation. I had a hard time focusing the whole time because I'm in a really intense period at work and wrapping up a three-year construction project this week. I work in a very male-dominated field, and there's a lot of misogyny. Sexism is still kind of a stronghold there, so I kind of focused on that versus an individual. There's lots of micro-moments that happen with people that I really like to work with. It's just kind of part of society and socially where we are still.

It was kind of nice because I was half distracted, and just trying to really undo some of the wound-up quality in my system. But then also kind of being able to hold some of the challenges that I face, that other women face in the industry, and sort of see that as part of the experience, and part of what can be really frustrating about the experience and work in general. So I really enjoyed it. I kind of took your intention and crafted it to exactly what I'm going through, and it felt like a nice thing for me to do as an intention to close out a big thing that I've worked on for several years. So thank you so much.

Nikki: Thank you, Carol, it's beautiful. I so appreciate hearing—of course, I love your words "wound up," you're going through a very intense period, so there's a lot of energy. You figured how to make this practice work for you tonight. "Oh yes, there's a lot of challenges and misogyny, and how can I work with this?" And maybe the sense I get—you didn't say this, but I wonder, you're welcome to unmute yourself if not—it's a sense of maybe seeing some of the good and some of the people that you said, "I like to work with, so I like these people, and yet there are these challenging..."

Carol: Yeah, I mean there's so much of it that happens so frequently when you're working in an industry where you're an outsider still. You can't really stay in anger all the time, but you can sort of take it as, "Oh, these other people are also a product of our own conditioning and society. So they're good people who aren't intending ill will, it's just there's unconsciousness and a larger collective social thing that happens."

When you depersonalize it in that way, it makes it a lot easier, especially for your own experience, right? You can depersonalize it in this way where you're like, "Oh, I'm just part of this bigger thing, and I can work to change that by being positive and bringing a different kind of consciousness to it." But in that, you still have to acknowledge the frustration and the pain of being subjected to that. Kind of balancing both.

Nikki: Exactly. So well put, Carol, thank you. To acknowledge the hurt, the frustration, the harm that is caused. And it's a "both, and"—all of that is acknowledged, and as you said, one can't stay in anger. To see they have good intention, and yet it's out of ignorance. It's really ignorance causing harm. Not to condone the harm and hurt, and yet seeing their humanity in that way, supporting yourself to not stay in anger. Beautiful. So much wisdom here. Thank you, Carol.

So dear ones, as I see more reflections in chat I'd like to acknowledge them, but the time has come, so let's transition to the small groups practice and community, because this can be such a rich topic, and it's important for us to make space for holding each other. When we come back I'd like to acknowledge more reflections given time.

So, we have a couple of minutes and I wanted to make space if there's a comment anybody wants to make after having been in groups. If not, I will acknowledge a couple of reflections before I went into groups.

Eileen had shared, "I may have the intention to forgive, but there are still feelings of anger and hurt." And so that's why we are doing this practice. Because a lot of times we have the intention, but there's still more work to do, which is why I was inviting us in this practice to till the soil. To gently think of the positive qualities so that the heart will loosen, and it will allow for natural forgiveness to come through.

I appreciate Jeremy's reflection about allowing yourself to be happy, and for your happiness to shine through. Yes, it's a gift to the world.

And Jerry's reflection on how it helps to think about people's causes and conditions. That they might have had a challenging history and background and childhood which might be part of their upbringing. To see their humanity in that way, so that contributes to their present behavior, says Jerry, very wisely.

Dear ones, we have come to the end of yet another Happy Hour. It's such a privilege and pleasure to practice with all of you. So I thank you all for your practice, for showing up, for doing this practice for yourself and all beings everywhere. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free. Thank you.