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Happy Hour: Memorial Day Metta

Introduction

Hi, welcome to Happy Hour. Lovely to be with you after two weeks of being away, on retreat, and practicing. I am happy; my heart is at peace. I missed you. I was glad to be gone, and I am glad to be back.

For today's practice, there are so many themes and things I have been sitting in and thinking, "Oh, this is what I can bring to Happy Hour." Instead of overloading us with various practices, I want to offer actually something that is inspired by the holiday celebrated today in the US. If you are in the US today, it is Memorial Day, a day of honoring and remembering those who have dedicated their efforts and their lives for us in this way.

To make it more personal, I wanted to invite us to consider doing this method, stepping into another dimension. Usually, we do metta^[1] with people who are alive here and there. Sometimes we do metta with those who have passed away. Canonically, in the practice of metta, it is said that it is best not to do it with people who have passed away for two reasons. I will tell you those, and then I will tell you why we are going to change away from that.

First, canonically, it can bring up grief if it is very fresh, if the challenge is very new. So if one is new to the practice, it is best to avoid someone who has passed away. The second reason one canonically stays away from someone who is deceased is because the practice of metta, loving-kindness, is also a concentration practice where the mind can get very still and get into states of absorption and stillness. It is said that if your object of love is someone who is deceased, the mind doesn't get absorbed. You can still have a lot of love, and really a lot of cultivation happens, but that aspect of absorption with jhānas^[2] will not happen. Classically, for those who are interested in the Visuddhimagga^[3] and the Abhidhamma^[4] teachings, that is why it is advised to avoid someone who has passed away.

However, for someone who has been in our lives, who we are indebted to, we feel love for, and there isn't much grief—there is just a sense of love—the invitation is to choose them, if that is available to you. If not, then choose someone who is alive for you who you feel indebted to. But this being Memorial Day, we are going to step into our memory. We are going to step into another dimension of goodness.

What I mean by that is, when we do metta usually—like, "May you be healthy, may you be well"—it is the sense of here and now, this physical being. This practice has entry into a dimension of just sharing love, sharing love as goodness, as gratitude, as generosity, as appreciation. That is what I mean by this other dimension. It is not so much physical; it is just a gift of generosity, a gift of the heart. And who knows, maybe we will feel in this dimension that it is bi-directional. It is not just one-directional giving of love, but receiving love, being loved from the beyond. We will explore this cultivation of goodwill and love, meeting and discovering aspects of our heart and experience that maybe we are not familiar with yet.

It looks like my camera just failed. Let's try that again. Let's unhook and re-hook. It seems like after two weeks of being away, there are some technical glitches. Oh well, all good. I tell you what, let's start our practice while I figure out this problem.

Guided Meditation

Let's get into our meditation posture. Landing, landing, landing into our bodies. Landing in this moment. Landing into our hearts. Landing into the breath. Letting go of words and thoughts. Landing into silence.

Allowing the rhythm of the breath, flowing on its own, flowing in and out on its own. Letting the flow, the rhythm of the breath, be calming and soothing. Nothing to do, nowhere to go, but just to sit and be breathed for a few minutes.

The in-breath, the outer lower abdomen. As if the whole body is being breathed. With each breath, getting calmer, settling more deeply. Landing, melting, arriving. The thoughts, settling.

If you find the mind is wandering, getting agitated, it's okay. Come here, sweetie, it's okay. Come here, land, sit with me. Let yourself be breathed. Let yourself have gentleness and kindness with your mind. Befriending your mind and heart. You're training in gentleness with yourself.

Now, if your heart would like to stay with just breathing with gentleness, that's okay. And if you like, invite someone ever so gently, as if you're inviting them into your space of solitude and peace. Inviting their memory, their presence, ever so gently. Not pumping out decibels^[5], but just a gentle invitation to this person who served you, cared for you, maybe loved you, or maybe was of some benefit to you as a benefactor in some way.

Maybe they're no longer in your lives, or maybe they still are. See what works best for you. Maybe a teacher, maybe a teacher you've never met, but you are really inspired by their writing, their words, their talks. Ever so gently, inviting this being into your heart space. It could also be a pet; I forgot to say, whoever feels like a benefactor to you.

And in this heart space, just sitting with them with appreciation. With every breath silently, you're sitting with them. Wordlessly, as you breathe, it feels like every breath communicates your appreciation. Perhaps feeling every breath entering and exiting the middle of your heart, your heart center. Connecting with your heart.

Let your body be soft and relaxed. Each breath simply communicates appreciation, gratitude, generosity of heart, however it feels right. Maybe love is what feels appropriate in this space.

If the being you have chosen is still alive, stay in this space. But if they have passed away, if you wish, you're welcome to try the next invitation. Try it on for size.

Now, just as they are, they've been invited, they're an image in the space of your mind, your heart, your heart-mind. Let there be an image of you, maybe a younger version of you that enters the space of the heart-mind. And could the present you have a sense of appreciation for both this being you've chosen—the object of your metta, your appreciation, your love—as well as this younger version of yourself who's relating to them. See how metta wants to express itself in this space with these beings.

And now, can there be a sense of receiving appreciation for you, from this being that you are today, for your intentions, for you cultivating goodness? By your benefactor, and by a younger version of you.

If you find criticism coming up, as if you don't deserve it, you don't have to get in your own way. These are just thoughts of criticism. Don't believe them. Your mind can turn arrows into flowers. Just as the Buddha's mind did the night of his enlightenment. Arrows thrown by Mara^[6] were transformed into flowers because his mind was in loving-kindness.

And can there be a sense of metta being given, being received, and clear who's giving, who's receiving, being in the field of metta all around, all three of you?

And if you find that other benefactors show up in the space, it's okay to give them appreciation and love, and to receive it. And if they don't show up, that's okay too.

And for the last moment, dropping this idea in: this metta, this love, it's not about you. It's not about you at all, how good you are at it, how hard it is, how much your mind is wandering. It's not about you at all. It's an act of service to just offer it up. Offer your heart up. Notice if something lets go, something is released with this offering.

May we all find peace and joy in offering our hearts. Thank you all, thank you so much for your practice.

Q&A and Reflections

I would like to welcome any reflections, any insights, any questions, any complaints you would like to share. You can raise your Zoom hand, because I may not see your physical hand, or you can type it in chat. If it's typed to me privately, I won't say your name. If it's typed to everyone, I will read your name out loud. What was this like for you? What did you discover in this practice? Anything that was new and interesting in your own heart?

I'll wait for you, and I'll share that towards the end as I was practicing, it seemed like a lot of deceased^[7] benefactors were showing up. They just wanted to come and share their love and be loved. It just became a party! So I wondered if that happened for anyone too.

Violet, please.

Violet: Hi. I had a question about receiving appreciation. When you did the switch to receiving from the other people... I was looking at a teacher from high school and my high school self, and there were the three of us in the room. I was perspective-shifting from me being my high school self looking at my older self, and then this male teacher—it was like this mom-dad figure. It was really touching and nice. But then... it's hard to receive and feel like when there's love on offer, somehow our hearts aren't big enough for it or not quite able to be totally soothed by it. That feeling of, "Oh, there's this love coming at me, but it's not quite enough to soothe me or comfort me," or that feeling of never being enough. Does that go away?

Nikki: Good question. Thank you for bringing that up because, Violet, what you're talking about is not uncommon at all. That is why I usually bring in something when I ask for the switch and say, "Hey, if there's criticism or feeling like I don't deserve this..." What you're talking about is so common, and there are sometimes different things that get in the way. Let's hang around for a moment and see, in this case, what is the conceptual way of conceiving that it's never enough, or it's not enough. There's something there.

Coming back to this beautiful image practice that you brought up, where the younger version of yourself was giving you metta. Describe to me, who was giving and receiving?

Violet: I was looking from the perspective of the younger self, so I was seventeen receiving metta from twenty-six-year-old Violet and this teacher.

Nikki: Oh, okay, so the seventeen-year-old was receiving. And the seventeen-year-old was saying that's not enough, or was it the twenty-six-year-old?

Violet: From either perspective, it would be either.

Nikki: I see. So from either perspective, the sense is it's not landing because it's not enough to soothe, or I don't deserve it, or what is this thought running around that's coming up?

Violet: I guess it just feels fleeting, or maybe I am feeling it but it feels fleeting. Maybe that's what it is, like it doesn't feel stable or reliable.

Nikki: Okay. So in what you're describing, I invite you to bring a little bit of investigation there. It might be touching, but it might be getting pushed away. Notice what is happening on the receiving side when it's coming. Bring a little bit of investigation there, and it'll become more clear to you what the feeling or conceptualization is that is not letting it really land and seep in. Where it feels fleeting, there's something happening there that the mind is curious about but hasn't quite stabilized enough to see. Do you see what I'm pointing to?

Violet: Like what is making it sort of just bounce off?

Nikki: Exactly. Be curious about it next time. You're welcome to send me an email if you like and we can follow up. Does that sound okay for now as an investigation? There's something to be seen there. Thank you, Violet, that's lovely and I'm so inspired by what you described; that sounds so juicy and beautiful. Thank you for your practice.

Let's see. Peggy says, "Very sweet, and compassion for times and ways when love was difficult to manifest." Thank you, Peggy.

Jerry says, "It was super to direct kindness to a very kind person. I ended up feeling this extraordinary warmth and relaxation." Lovely.

And Carolyn says, "I sat with the indigenous children found buried around Canadian residential schools. I am new to this practice; this is what came as I sat." Thank you, Carolyn, thank you for bringing them in. A practice of compassion.

And someone has raised their hand, I don't know their name, it says iPhone. Yes, please.

Student: I'm actually outside, it might be a little noisy, but... I just cried. Especially thinking about a benefactor who doesn't exist—I mean, lives no longer. He's been my mentor, who taught me to ask for what I want and go for it. He showed me there is another big world that you can dive into, and that's why I'm here. I'm from Korea, and I came here about twenty years ago. I think in a way I'm successful. I feel like he was right there. It's just so much appreciation about him, and he seemed so proud of me.

Nikki: I hear a lot of love. I hear a lot of love both ways, and much appreciation. There is tenderness, there are tears, and the tears don't sound like grief to me, they sound like joy. There is a tenderness in the heart that could be expressed in tears. Thank you for sharing that beautiful, bi-directional love and gratitude for your benefactor.

Student: I'm just crying on the street!

Nikki: It sounds like they're joyous, beautiful tears. Thank you so much. And Neil says thank you too.

So dear all, given that time is flying, let's turn our attention to practicing for a brief period in small groups together.

[Small group breakout sessions]

Okay everyone, welcome back. The rooms are closed. We have about a minute for any reflections that might have come up from the groups, please don't be shy.

Ariana... oops, didn't mean to hit "leave room," that happened! [Laughter]

Any reflections or insights that came up? Oh, Jeff, please.

Jeff: Hey everybody, happy Memorial Day. The insight I'll share was that sometimes relationships end. It's just the natural course of life. And rather than having it be this bitter, angry experience of blame and "It's your fault, no it's your fault," there's a way in which it can just be like observing the ending of a relationship with love and with acceptance. But it's really, really hard to do it that way. It's much more common to end it with anger and pointing fingers and stuff. So that's what I learned today.

Nikki: Beautiful, beautiful. I am so touched, that's such a beautiful insight and a way of reframing. Each relationship is a gift, and maybe it's an impermanent gift for a period of time. Just really focusing on the gift that it is for the time that it is, with metta and love and appreciation. We have a choice on what we focus on. Thank you for bringing that in. That's a beautiful note to end on.

Thank you all for your practice. Thank you for coming to Happy Hour, cultivating your heart and your mind for the benefit of all beings. May all beings be happy, may all beings be free, including ourselves. Thank you.