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Happy Hour: Pillars of Joy (8/8) -- Generosity

Introduction

Hi everyone, and welcome to Happy Hour. It's lovely to see those of you who I can see. I always mention that I only see a small number of you because of privacy; I need to make my video spotlighted so that only my video shows up on YouTube. So, I only get to see a small strip that I have to keep moving back and forth so that I see these lovely smiling faces that are attending. Hello, good morning, good evening. It is happy-making for me to be able to see you.

You're welcome to switch to gallery view at any time to see each other, but for privacy reasons, I can't. I am so happy to see you or feel you if I'm feeling you, or seeing your name on YouTube. A very, very warm welcome to Happy Hour.

We have been exploring the eight pillars of joy over the past many sessions, and tonight we have come to the last of the eight pillars, which is generosity. Generosity, in Pali the word is dāna^[1].

The relationship between joy and generosity feels to me, in my heart, to be a very clear one. In this moment, before I start to actually say a few words about it, I want to invite you to feel into your own heart. Feel the relationship that you know for yourself between generosity and happiness, or joy.

You might find that when our hearts are open in giving—giving resources, giving our time, giving kindness, giving the other person the benefit of the doubt—there is a sense of generosity. Whether the resources are physical, emotional, or time, when it's given not out of a "should" or "have to," and not begrudgingly, but with a sense of openness in the heart of offering something to someone else, there is a gladness. There is a sense of delight and joy from that letting go. From that open hand, which is not tight-fisted, but just offering generosity, it makes us human beings happy.

The Buddha says that there are three reflections he invites people who are generous to engage upon. One is a reflection before you give. You reflect on it before you give, and it makes your heart happy to reflect on it with gladness. The second one is to reflect while you are in the act of offering your gift of generosity, so that your heart is uplifted in gladness. And the third one, wait for it... you guessed it! After you've given the gift, you reflect on the generosity, and that uplifts your heart.

This is quite a profound teaching, come to think of it. He is putting so much stress on relishing the goodness of generosity before giving, during the act of giving, and long after giving a gift.

It's interesting; in the list of the ten pāramitās^[2]—the ten perfections of heart, the ten beautiful qualities of heart—generosity is the first one. It was often taught to laypeople in the time of the Buddha. If you couldn't be a monastic, then generosity was the primary practice that you were taught. I have to tell you, a long time ago upon hearing this, my skeptical mind thought, "Oh, that's kind of funny. So you're teaching laypeople to be generous so that they would support the monks."

With that sense of skepticism in the past, today I actually have come to really appreciate and laugh at my skepticism, because I realize how important the practice of generosity really is in waking up. Basically, in this practice, we are learning freedom. We're learning to have ease and freedom with conditions. When we clasp our hands, when we're tight-fisted and really holding on—whether wanting things to be a particular way, or holding onto things we own, or our time—there's just a sense of tightness. And we suffer.

Generosity is a practice of the mind and heart that really supports us in this opening of our hands. It allows us to relate with more ease, with more freedom, holding life and everything that is given to us with an open hand, not clinging to it. And our heart feels more free.

I've really come to appreciate the practice of generosity—and also generosity of spirit, which is closely related to generosity and all the other seven pillars—as a primary practice in life. I reflect on how a lack of generosity makes us unhappy, and how generosity really does make us happy. We feel good not just before we give the gift, or during, but long after we've given gifts, just by bringing the memory to mind. It changes our orientation in life.

To consider that we have so much to give, each and every single one of us, allows us to appreciate how much we have. We feel a sense of abundance in our heart, which again brings joy.

I can talk about generosity for a long time. Generosity of spirit has really become a part of my practice and orientation. Sitting with inquiry is a really important pillar of practice, not just for joy, but for awakening and being human. Nothing we've been given is truly ours anyway. We're just borrowing it for a little while. So let us share it with others.

Guided Meditation

Let's meditate together, and I have some invitations for you. I'd like to ask you to get into your meditation posture. If you need to move, shift, sit a little taller, or if you need to move to lie down, this is the perfect time to do that. Landing in your body. Landing in this moment.

Letting go of all the words, all the concepts, just arriving in this moment. On this body, this moment of being human. Letting the center of gravity of awareness drop from our heads. Let it move down through your chest to the abdomen, the lower abdomen. Receiving the breath. With each in-breath, letting there be more awakeness, wakefulness, aliveness. And with each out-breath, letting go into the body.

Take the next five out-breaths in your own time to land more deeply, to let go of more tension and tightness in the body. Arriving more fully in this moment with each out-breath. Letting yourself enjoy and relish each breath in the lower abdomen, calming and soothing this body like a lullaby.

If thoughts are arising in this moment, it's okay. It's a part of this practice. There is no need for any judgment. Simply notice what the thoughts are, and see if they can be invited to be known in the body, in the lower abdomen. That might offer them enough generosity to just not need to be here right now. Maybe the thoughts will offer you the generosity of refuge, being in the moment, just with the body and the breath.

Realizing that refuge and quiet in this moment is so delicious. A much better home for the heart than all the thoughts. Letting yourself feel the sense of expansiveness. The breath flowing with ease through the body. The breath breathing itself. In this sense of expansiveness of the body and the heart in this moment, let your gaze turn inward towards the goodness and generosity of your own heart.

Now I'd like to invite you, if you would, to bring to mind—while still feeling the breath in the body—a reflection of a time recently (today, yesterday, or the past few days) when you were generous with someone. An opportunity where you were able to offer something, and you offered it with delight. This gift, whether it was a monetary or physical gift, your time, your attention, your resources, your contacts, whatever it might have been—you offered this being this gift with gladness. With a sense of openness and generosity.

Bring this felt sense of giving to your heart center, to your body. Letting it breathe through your body and feeling the sense of gladness. If there are thoughts regarding this, like "Oh, I could have been more generous," let those go for now. Choose to make the goodness of the generosity and the act of giving the foreground. Don't let the negative bias of our minds tilt us into negativity. You have a choice. Let's stay with the goodness.

Reflecting and feeling the goodness of the gift given. Maybe the appreciation of the receiver, but primarily the sense of ease, openness, and spaciousness. This letting go of what you had to give to someone else. The peace, the ease, the freedom, and the joy in that act of giving.

Now, if you wish, I am going to invite you to consider the opposite. Just feel the difference in your heart, your mind, and your body. Bring to mind an occasion where you had the opportunity to share with someone, to be generous, and for whatever reason—a feeling of scarcity, or whatever reasons, without getting into them—you recoiled your heart. You didn't act out of generosity and clung to what you had. Perhaps out of fear of not-enoughness, or scarcity, which is usually the case.

Just feel the movement of the heart for a moment, reflecting on the opposite of generosity, which is clinging, grasping, attachment. See what that feels like in the heart and the body. Know it while breathing. Sensing the lower part of your body. If you felt the contraction, the sense of tightness in your body and heart, we just wanted to get to know that. Not to self-flagellate, not to berate ourselves, but to get to know the opposite of generosity and what that feels like. It does not exactly support joy and freedom. Please let that go on the next out-breath. A cleansing out-breath. Letting that reflection go. Coming back to the breath in the abdomen, receiving a few breaths, and settling again.

Now bringing to mind, if you wish, another example of the recent past when you had the opportunity to be generous, and you were. Invite this other example into your body and your heart. Letting it completely fill and nourish your heart. Bringing to mind, retrospectively, how you planned before giving the gift, and the gladness that it brought up for you. Imagining how glad or appreciative the recipient would be. The delight you were taking before giving the gift.

And now, letting your body feel what it was like while you were giving the gift. The act of letting go. Your body softening, relaxing, offering up, giving a gift of generosity. The goodness, the beauty, the grace.

And now afterwards, reflecting on having done that act, having shared your resources, what you own, your time, your attention. Just letting yourself breathe and feel the goodness, the gladness, the happy-making sense of generosity. Feel your own goodness in your bones and your heart. Maybe the moment of giving the gift is like a tableau, an image or a felt sense in your heart and body that you just breathe with. Maybe a smile shows up on your face. Wisely reflecting on this, realizing how good it feels, how good it felt.

Now I'd like to invite you to consider one last reflection. Consider an opportunity for you to be generous with someone, with some being, today, tomorrow, or in the next few days. Not out of a "should," but something that just calls your heart. Some cause, some being, something that draws your heart to say, "Yes, I want to share. I want to share my resources, my time, my attention, my affection with this being." Near or far, maybe someone who is in your life intimately. See where your heart is called without any "shoulds." Where your heart feels lifted and expanded. Maybe you're planning an act of kindness for someone. Doing it with generosity and openness of heart. See how good it feels to reflect on this act of giving. Reflecting on the goodness of it in your heart and your body, breathing with it.

For the last moments, invite yourself to be generous with yourself. Generous with your appreciation for having showed up. For having practiced this generosity of appreciation. Thank you.

This generosity is also a sense of generosity of spirit, shared with the saṅgha^[3]—with all those beings who are practicing with you on Zoom or YouTube right now, or who will practice with you in the future. And Audio Dharma, your wider saṅgha. Sense the generosity of spirit appreciating all of them in their diversity.

May our practice in this moment, and our practice of generosity of heart in every shape or form, support us to live a beautiful life of beauty, joy, and grace, and to be of service to others and the world.

Reflections and Q&A

Thank you all. Thank you for your practice in exploring generosity in this way. Let's have some reflections. I invite you to either type them in the chat if you wish, or you can raise your blue hand. Yes, Jerry.

Jerry: Thank you. It's good to be back. I guess the reflection I had was that the exercise was very helpful. It was painful to remember when I wasn't generous, which was perhaps more painful because it had been intentional; it was not by accident. So I was glad to hear you say to let that wash away without lingering on it. I was surprised when I thought of specifically being generous. Sometimes it's easier to do in my work, but recently, even in a social-political context, I was surprised. I was running for a political office in my profession, and someone came up to me and said, "Oh, I really want you to win. You're so open." She recalled when I had first met her about four years ago at a reception. I knew she was new, so I stepped out of myself and was very welcoming to her. I hadn't really thought of it much after that, but she said, "You know, I really remembered that." Wow. I didn't think it was that big, but the experience of me reaching out, which is a little bit of a stretch—but for her, coming to a national meeting, she would obviously be a bit nervous. I was very open with her, offering an extraordinary positive light, and I thought, you never know when you sow seeds how they can come back.

Nikki Mirghafori: Beautiful. I love that. Thank you, Jerry, for sharing that. It is profound, isn't it? This reflection that we don't know when we go out of our way offering kindness and this generosity of spirit. Welcoming and reaching out—how it impacts other people in the world. So thank you for bringing that in. Absolutely.

Nav asks in the chat, "Are there any skillful boundaries to generosity? How do we prevent these boundaries from serving selfishness?"

Excellent questions, Nav. The skillful boundaries to generosity are those that don't hurt you—that do not hurt the giver in the process of giving. It is respectful of both the giver and the receiver. That is what I would say is a really helpful boundary there. And when you're asking about preventing it from serving selfishness, are you talking about the self or the other?

Nav: That question was in regard to myself. If I'm practicing generosity to myself and I have these healthy boundaries that prevent myself from getting hurt, the mind can also slip into this thing where you justify selfishness by saying, "You know what? I don't have the energy to do that right now." It's a bit of a gray area in a spectrum of how much I protect myself. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm being selfish by not being generous.

Nikki Mirghafori: I see the nuance. Thanks for explaining that. The word "selfish" has an interesting, derogatory connotation to it, right? "Oh, I'm being selfish because I'm not being generous," and there's an "ouch" to that when I hear that. When you describe it as, "When I'm tired, when I can't extend myself," what comes up for me is that, actually, it sounds like you're taking care of yourself in a healthy way. You're recognizing the boundary.

It comes down to taking care of yourself and the other, because when there is no boundary between other and self, the other person is just as important as you, and you are just as important as them. If you are tired and you need to take care of this being, and you can't extend yourself, then absolutely it's not selfishness; it's taking care of this being who happens to be you. So I would put a question mark next to the use of the word "selfishness," as it comes with quite a bit of baggage.

Kim asks, "Would you explain spiritual generosity more?"

There is the word dāna, which is basically generosity, and then there is generosity of spirit. Which one did you mean, Kim?

Kim: When I think of generosity, I think of giving something or doing something. So I don't understand what spiritual generosity is.

Nikki Mirghafori: When you say you think of generosity, you think of giving something, doing something, or being generous with your time. There is no difference between them. When I talk about generosity of spirit, is that what you're referring to? Are you calling that spiritual generosity? Because I don't think I use that term.

Kim: So you're saying all generosity is spiritual generosity? I don't know what spiritual generosity is, I am confused.

Nikki Mirghafori: No, this is fantastic. This is when a breakthrough happens. The way I see it, it's not like there is spiritual generosity, and then there is regular generosity. Or that there is "being spiritual" and then there is "life." Your practice is your life, and your life is your practice. When you're generous, it's spiritual generosity as well as just good old generosity. There is no difference. Putting the word "spiritual" in front of generosity is kind of redundant. Does that make sense?

Kim: Yes.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you. There are more questions coming, but time is flying, and I'd like to leave some time at the end for reflections and more questions.

Let's practice generosity of spirit—generosity with ourselves and generosity with others in small groups. If you're on the fence, give it a try. These are really nice people. See what it feels like for you to show up with just a sense of openness of heart, without any expectations, nothing to receive, nothing to hold on to. Just a sense of holding and being held. I'm going to create the breakout rooms. If for whatever reason you have to hop off, that's perfectly fine, no judgment. But if you can stay, it's lovely to practice together in this way, especially with the theme of generosity. What a fun theme.

[Breakout rooms occur]

Welcome back. The rooms are closed. We don't really have much time, but I did want to respond to one other question that came in earlier.

Kayla asked that they noticed when they recall the time when they were being generous, there were moments of non-generosity within that—doing generosity on their own terms. I really wanted to bring this up because it's okay. Don't necessarily expect purity of intention all the time. There can be lots of generosity, and then, "Oh, we want them to like us," or "We want them to see us as generous." There could be some other intentions in there, too. It's okay. Be generous with yourself about your own generosity.

We're mixed bags. As long as it's mostly generous, the rest of it is okay. You don't have to be 100% generous, purely, with nothing personal. It's okay. Just see it. "Oh yeah, I really wanted them to give me a bigger gift next time," or whatever. Just get to see all these other nuances at the same time.

All right, dear ones, wonderful to practice with you. May our practice in cultivating generosity of heart serve our own goodness, beauty, and happiness, and serve others and all beings in the world, planting seeds of goodness where we don't know we've planted them. May all beings be well. May all beings be happy. Thank you all, take good care.