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Happy Hour: Metta and Wise Speech

Introduction to Wise Speech

Taking care of the preliminaries... Great, welcome, welcome everyone. Wonderful to see you all. Good morning, good evening, good afternoon, good noon. We have so many time zones here, it's wonderful.

For today's practice, let us continue our exploration. We've been exploring mettā^[1], loving-kindness, cultivating goodwill, friendliness, kindness, love. There are so many nuances of the word mettā, and whatever nuance that might work for you, that would be the one to work with. But simply friendliness and goodwill is a great place to start.

We've been exploring the relationship of mettā with the Eightfold Path^[2], the Buddhist teaching towards awakening for a wakeful life. We started with wise perspective being the first one. Wise intention, we explored that on Friday. And today we've come to exploring the third, which is wise speech.

Wise speech is the factor that perhaps is most important in our daily lives because we talk a lot—to others, to ourselves. Bringing in a sense of wisdom and kindness in consideration to our speech can be quite a profound practice. I'd like to say just a couple of words about wise speech before we delve into our meditation and exploration together.

The Buddha offers five guidelines for considering whether something you're about to say is wise speech or not. I have the acronym for myself: T-T-B-G-K.

The first 'T' is truthful. Is what you're about to say true? It seems like it's a low bar, but is it true what you're about to say?

The second 'T' is timely. Is it timely what you're about to say? It could be true, it could be all the other ones, but is it the right time? Is it really a bad time to be saying this? If it's a bad time, then it's not wise, even if it satisfies all the other four that I'll go through in a moment.

'B' is beneficial. Is what you're about to say beneficial? Is it for your own benefit and other people's benefit? Is it beneficial, or is it harmful? Is it going to cause harm?

'G' is for gentle. Is what you're about to say harsh? Are you about to shout at someone with harshness, or is it gentle?

And the fifth one, the 'K', is kind. Is what you're about to say kind? Is it kind to yourself? Is it kind to the other person?

We can already see in the guidelines for wise speech that kindness is already in there. Kindness is already a fabric of what's considered to be wise. Sometimes you might be saying something that is very forceful, but it's kind. You might be telling a child very forcefully, "No! No!" in order to stop them in their tracks if they're about to touch the stove or hurt themselves or somebody else. That forceful "no" is, of course, wise speech because it is kind. It's out of kindness, it's not out of hatred. It's out of love for the child; it's out of care for yourself.

We must really consider wisdom in evaluating these five invitations for what is considered wise speech or not. There are some folks who consider the fourth invitation I mentioned in terms of harshness—for example, if you're saying "no," it's forceful, but it's not necessarily harsh. It's not demeaning. It's not a rude remark, it's not putting someone down. So again, consider what's harsh or not, having some wisdom, because you can have forceful speech out of kindness and compassion.

Having shared these five considerations about wise speech, now let's relate it to mettā, to cultivating kindness, goodwill, and friendliness. As I mentioned, one of the five is already kindness. But actually, we can probably see reverberations of mettā, care, and love in all the other ones. Out of care, you wouldn't lie to someone; you wouldn't lie to yourself. Out of care, you wouldn't say something to someone that's very untimely. Out of care, you wouldn't speak harshly, or you would aim to be of benefit. So goodwill, mettā, actually weaves through all of wise speech. Wisdom with kindness.

Having said that, for tonight's exploration we will settle in our bodies with our breath first, as we always do, to find some stability. Then we will open up to exploring the relationship of mettā, kindness, and goodwill with speech. And now here is the clincher: not just speech externally, but speech internally.

A lot of times we speak to ourselves in ways we would never, ever address anybody else. We are not kind to ourselves. We're not gentle with ourselves. We're not beneficial to ourselves. It could be a lot of swords that we hit ourselves with. So I'm going to bring some examination to internal speech, not just external speech. When we practice in groups, that's where we can actually examine the relationship between kindness and wise speech.

Guided Meditation

Having said all that, I'd like to invite us all to get into our meditation posture. If you need to move, to shift to be more comfortable, this is the perfect time to do it.

Landing. Landing in our bodies. Arriving. Letting go. Opening up. Opening up our hearts to ourselves. This dear being whom you are the guardian of.

Landing, softening, relaxing into this human body in this moment. Softening, relaxing all parts. Our abdomen. Our sit bones. Every out-breath, softening. Our legs, letting them feel heavy, supported by the earth. The next out-breath, relaxing the chest. Next out-breath, neck and shoulders. Ah. The next out-breath, relaxing the face, the jaw, the eyes. The next out-breath, the arms, the hands. The whole body with the next out-breath. Ah.

With the next three out-breaths, landing deeper and deeper. Ah, releasing more. Even if you think you've released all there is to release in tightness and tension, ah, surprising yourself that, oh yes, more was released. Wow.

I'm inviting your attention, your awareness to rest calmly, spaciously in your abdomen, receiving the breath. Simply this body sitting and receiving the breath.

If thoughts arise—thoughts, memories, plans—no problem. It's part of this practice, you're not doing it wrong. Noticing if there's any self-criticism arising. If you're thinking, "No need, no need." Simply notice what the mind is resting on, what thought, what memory, etc. In the same way that you relaxed your whole body piece by piece, inviting the thought to relax right now. To be offered up into spaciousness. Not that there's anything wrong with thinking, but in this moment, taking refuge in just sitting and being breathed.

And then I'd like to invite you, if you wish, to bring to mind someone whom you care about. And when you think of this being, there's a sense of ease, safety. Maybe a smile shows up on your face. Ideally someone who's alive. Could be a child, could be a pet. And if it's someone who's older now, maybe a teenager, maybe imagine them when they were a child. Just, we want to start where it's really easy right now for this practice. Someone really easy. And if you're a parent and have multiple children and you feel guilty about choosing one, it doesn't matter, you can always practice with others later. Invite them into the circle. Choose someone right now for this practice; it's just a practice.

Bring this being into your mind's eye if you're visual. If you're auditory, perhaps hearing their voice. For the purpose of this practice, let's try something new. Imagine you're sitting with this being. Sitting with them, if it's appropriate holding them, or just sitting with them, and you're offering words of kindness and support.

Maybe they need support in this image, in this vision. Maybe you're telling them, "I care for you." Or maybe you're saying, if it's appropriate, maybe in your heart, with your gaze, you're telling them, "I love you," or "I wish you well, I want you to be happy. May you be happy." Whatever nuance of this works for you.

Since we're exploring speech tonight, that's the invitation: to let the sense of this verbal affection arise from the feeling you have for them. A feeling of care. Especially if they're in need, if they're hurting a little bit, or just needing a little bit of support, encouragement, kindness. If you're soothing them with your voice, maybe you're singing them a lullaby, or humming to them. See what works for you, be creative. However in this image you can express your care, your warmth, your goodwill, your friendliness for this being.

Just feeling the sense of mettā, this care, love, affection, kindness, friendliness, whatever nuance is being felt as you imagine yourself singing, speaking, humming, sharing words of kindness and care. Maybe you're singing them a love song, a lullaby, whatever works for you. Feel free to be creative. Whatever taps into this verbal sense of care. Maybe just words. Maybe what's available is simply offering them the phrases of mettā: "May you be safe, happy, healthy, and have ease." Whatever is accessible. "May you be well, I wish you well."

The idea is just to tap into a sense of goodwill, friendliness, love, care through this connection. Feeling it as much as it's accessible, or planting seeds. If it's not accessible right now, that's okay too.

And now I'd like to invite you—you can continue with this—now, as the heart has been primed with loving-kindness, see now if what you were offering to this dear being can be offered to yourself. You're singing a lullaby with care, offering support, words of support, singing a love song. What if you sang it for yourself? This dear being you are the guardian of, you're the steward of. This being that is you. You share your own heart with yourself.

If it helps for you to see yourself as a younger version of yourself, you can try that. Maybe singing a lullaby to a younger self. Whatever is accessible, available, or just planting seeds. It helps in this vision to also see your dear being joining voices with you to sing together or say kind words to you, to your younger version. Invite them to join you in this image. Be creative. Or maybe they're just sharing it with you, saying it for you, and you're receiving it. That's fine too.

For the last moment of this period of practice, notice however it was holding yourself with kindness. And if you're noticing self-judgment arising, like, "Oh, I didn't do it right," or "Oh, you fell asleep," etc. Notice. Ah, can there be kindness? Can there be wise speech in the way you're holding yourself? "Oh, dear one. Oh, sweetie, you did your best. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for trying. You're not responsible for the outcome. Thank you for showing up and doing your best."

Reflections

Thank you all for joining on that exploration. I'd love to invite you, if you want to share any reflections from what came up for you in this exploration, you're welcome to share it in chat or unmute yourself. Any discoveries, questions, comments?

Just to say that this practice of mettā is skillful means^[3]. It's okay to be creative, to connect with ways that we can conjure up kindness for ourselves, for others. To really—it's like strengthening a muscle. You do reps, you plant seeds so that it becomes more and more available.

Exploring in this way through sounds, through singing a lullaby or love song, or kind words... I mean, the phrases of kindness, but we're expanding on that, we're playing with that a little bit tonight. I had never done this before. This was a new way to explore it which came out of my practice tonight, and it surprised me. It was quite lovely for me, actually. The image that came up for me was singing a love song and a lullaby to my mom, and then her singing it to me in the rivers, and just very sweet. So we didn't expect that to come up.

My mom passed away actually two and a half years ago. Even though I said start where it's easy, if you have a lot of practice with mettā, mettā for people who are deceased doesn't bring up too much grief. But if you're new to it, we recommend you don't work with people who are deceased because it can bring up so much grief that it can be challenging.

So I'd love to hear what you discovered. For me, the practice was very sweet tonight. Feel free to unmute yourself or type in chat. If it wasn't easy, if it was challenging, feel free to speak up also.

Steph from YouTube says, "Thank you so much for your practice. This was very timely for me." Wonderful, Steph, thank you for joining us.

Sheila offers, "Nice way to graduate to mettā for oneself. It's hard to do." Yeah, thank you, Sheila. I appreciate the way that mettā for self can be challenging for so many people. It's step-by-step; you keep planting seeds. And this way of singing and playfully changing roles can be a nice way to graduate.

Any other reflections or questions? Comments or complaints? Everything is welcome.

Vicki, I just saw your hand. I usually don't see people's hands, so you can unmute and jump in.

Vicki: Yeah, I used the phrase you used this morning about aging to a friend of mine whose cat is now aging and is kind of dying. And it was very powerful.

Nikki: Oh, thank you, Vicki. Say a little more if you would. If you don't have to, but that sounds so rich, I'd love to hear a little more.

Vicki: I remembered what you were saying this morning was, you know, just like everyone else, we experience aging. And I thought of my friend, and then what I was saying to her when I was meditating today during our mettā practice was, to her I was saying, "Just as everything else, everyone else, including cats, experience aging."

Nikki: Ah, I get it now, beautiful. So this morning, for others who may not know, I was subbing for Gil^[4] who does the 7 AM sit. And the practice this morning was the first of the five daily reflections: that just like everyone else, I'm subjected to aging. I have not gone beyond it. So the beautiful way you combined the practice of mettā is offering this friend of yours whose cat is aged and dying kindness and words of support—"Oh dear, oh dear"—and then also offering this reflection as a word of support. "Just like everyone else, we all age, so there's your cat." And I can see that can be quite powerful, bringing these two practices together. Beautiful. Thanks for offering that, Vicki. Nice.

Elizabeth: I just wanted to say that I really appreciated being able to start with someone else before I went to myself. I found that to be really helpful when I'm doing mettā, to start with a beloved child and be able to really tap in and call to mind that full feeling. And then visualize that child offering it back to me. It makes it a much more powerful and rich experience. So thank you for that.

Nikki: Oh, thank you, Elizabeth. That sounds really sweet. Just as you're describing it, my heart is bathed in the sweetness of it. Yeah, it is very sweet. So thank you, thank you.

Bill offers, "Appreciate mettā for self. It's easy for me to overlook that." Yes, thank you, Bill. It's a training. It's so easy for so many of us to overlook mettā for ourselves.

And Yuka offers, "I was objectively looking at the heartbeat that echoed inside. Thank you for love." Ah, that's so sweet and poetic, Yuka. I love that. It's just, "Oh, that's the heartbeat that echoes inside." Thank you for offering that. I love the image and the echo as a loving sound from the heart echoing inside. Beautiful.

Kurt offers on YouTube, "I feel my mettā muscle growing slowly as I continue this practice." Ah, that's wonderful. It's a practice. Practice, practice, practice.

Small Group Breakouts and Q&A

So, dear sangha^[5], let's now transition to the next part of our practice together, which is to take the sense of mettā and wise speech for ourselves and for others into a small group connection with people from around the world. This is so lovely.

You're invited to be in a small group with another couple of people, and the prompt is always simple: "How was the meditation?" You can say as little or as much as you want, and there's no right or wrong answer. It's not so much what you say—you can say, "I loved it," "I didn't like it," "I fell asleep," it doesn't matter. But how you show up for yourself with kindness, with wise speech this time for yourself, and for others. Holding this little sangha with kindness and with wisdom of speech. Exercising what that looks like. It's a practice.

I invite you to partake in this in the breakout rooms. It can be quite magical and lovely to connect with practitioners this way. And again, you don't need to put on your public face now, no, just be soft, be kind. You don't have to say much, just say a few words. Just keep presence with others. Hold presence for them. It can be quite sweet.

I'm going to make the breakout rooms now. If you're deciding tonight is not right for you, it's okay, you can bow out. It's all good, I hope you stay either way. Here we go.

[Breakout sessions occur]

Okay, rooms are closed and everybody's back. I would love to hear some reflections, please. And you don't have to raise your hand because I won't be able to see you. You can just unmute yourself and share.

Mary Christine: Whilst I was explaining to the lovely ladies in my group... I have a friend who lives in Cyprus—I'm in Sydney—who has been bullied at work and he's having a really, really difficult time. So I wanted to bring him into my mettā and kind of wrap my arms around him to try and prop him up. And there was a little part of me that wondered, "I wonder if he can feel it in his heart right now, some warmth." I was just wondering maybe my mettā, without him realizing it, maybe was giving him a little bit of inner strength or warmth in his heart.

Nikki: So what I heard you say, Mary Christine, was that this friend of yours is having a really hard time at work being bullied, so in your meditation you're bringing him up in your heart and wanting to prop him up, support him in your heart. And what's the question?

Mary Christine: It's the little part of me that wondered, "I wonder if right now he can feel some warmth in his heart."

Nikki: Ah, right, right, right. Yeah, so this is a really good question that comes up. Especially having taught retreats on this, silent retreats when people are practicing mettā for a whole seven days, and say they have friends who are suffering and they have very challenging illnesses, we often get a similar question. People are like, "Okay, I want to call my friend after the retreat and say, 'Hey, is the tumor resolved? Because I was wishing you well the whole time,'" right?

It's the sense of we wish them well so badly we become attached to the outcome. And also to this magical thinking—which is sweet, and it is magical thinking. Whereas mettā is really just simply a practice of cultivation. Then when these things arise, the magical thinking or really, really wanting something, we just see them, say, "Oh, sweetie, yes, it's okay. You really want this being to be well, don't you? It's okay."

There are other cosmologies that have places for that, but in this practice, we just keep it really, really simple. Otherwise, it can become really complicated. And it's completely natural, of course, it will come up. And just to see that, just as you did, like, "Oh yeah, this is what the mind wants. So sweetie, you really want your friend to be well, oh that's so sweet," right? So I invite you to work with it that way. Thank you.

Mort, I see you are unmuted. Do you want to say something?

Mort: Oh, well, no, I just thought I might want to say something... No, I think I'll hold it back.

Nikki: Okay, alright.

Mort: But I think I can do it in another way.

Nikki: Okay, sounds good. So... I see you're unmuted, please...

A participant^[6]: Yes, Nikki, hi. Thank you. I just briefly... I found today's practice to be extremely relaxing. Deeply, very, very deeply relaxing. And I found myself dozing off several times for I don't know how long. So I think it was a successful practice! [Laughter]

Nikki: That's great! Well, you know, from what you're saying, I'm guessing that given how challenging the times are right now, a sense of ease and relaxation is really nourishing and nurturing for you at this moment. So something that eased you into a sense of spaciousness so much that you could just nod off—yay! It's something that's nourishing in this time, so I celebrate that with you.

A participant: Yeah, that's exactly how I would say it, Nikki. And it was very rewarding to not have all these thoughts coming.

Nikki: I get that. Sounds like a nourishing respite.

A participant: Yes, yeah. Lovely. Thank you.

Nikki: And Neil, one last comment quickly before we close, please.

Neil: Well, we were talking about what effect choosing your own words when you give mettā versus using standards is. I wonder what your thoughts were on that.

Nikki: Thank you. I completely applaud using your own words. Whatever works for you, and as long as it's within the spirit of mettā. As long as it's not something like, "May you have a million dollars." You know, I'm being ridiculous, but you get my drift, right? As long as it's within the spirit of cultivating your heart in goodwill in that way, then by all means.

In fact, for people whose native language is not English, I highly recommend you translate them to your native language and you say them in your native tongue. When I translated them into Farsi and started to say them in Farsi—Persian, my mother tongue—whoa, they landed so much more deeply than English ever has. So, yeah, choose your own words. Thanks for bringing that in, Neil. Lovely.

So it is time for us, dear sangha, to say farewell for now to each other. Thank you for joining, practicing both for yourself and for all those whose lives you touch. May you all be safe, happy, and free in all things, everywhere. Enjoy the merit of our practice.

Thank you, everyone. Thanks for joining. Take care. Good morning, good night, everybody.