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Happy Hour: Mudita (Vicarios Joy) as Generosity

Hello, and welcome everyone to Happy Hour. It is so lovely to see you, to be with you at this time wherever you are joining from in this world, and whatever the weather might be externally and internally wherever you are.

For tonight's practice, I'd like to invite our attention to the joy of generosity. I want to treat not just generosity in a particular way—because when I say generosity, maybe what is conjured up in many people's minds is giving money, giving resources, giving gifts. I'm not just talking about that. Yes, that of course is one aspect of generosity, but generosity includes so much more. Really, it's generosity of spirit, generosity of our hearts. It's the way that we can give others the benefit of the doubt, and the way that, say, when we see someone else's success, we can feel happy for them even if it's something that we would want. We don't say, "Oh well, I wish my name was there." You actually have this sense of generosity: "Oh yay! Yay!" Feeling happy.

So, mudita^[1]—vicarious joy—as an act of generosity of spirit. As if it were your own goodness, as if it were your own well-being, your own happiness, your own success. Because really, on the ultimate level, there is no separation between you and the other. There is no self and the other, or the given, or the gift, or the receiver, or the giver. We are so intricately, amazingly interconnected. Through our limited sense of this human life, we see our separation: me, you, mine, yours, etc. But on an ultimate level, it's all us. It's all this goodness, this beauty of divinity, of Buddha nature—whatever word you want to call it by—that expresses itself through these actions of kindness, generosity, goodness, and goodwill.

One way that could be seen is that we do this in our limited perception until our perception opens up. Or there might be many moments when actually our perception opens up and maybe closes down again. We practice. We keep practicing. We incline our minds as a way of expressing this ultimate goodness and beauty in all of us.

Another way to see that is that generosity, goodness, beauty—all these beautiful goodnesses in the world—need to be expressed through us beings. In some ways, it is said that divinity needs us to express itself. Divinity, Buddha nature, goodness, God, whatever words you want to put it, needs us humans to express love, to express goodness, to express generosity, to express giving others the benefit of the doubt. So it is actually through our being, and through these seemingly small actions of every day, that goodness is co-created. It is expressed in the world.

I'll pause there. There are so many ideas there. These are some things I've been sitting with in my own practice. I'd like to invite you to let the words drop away now, and let's just practice. Let's just practice with some of these themes that I will invite us to explore. And if you're new, great, whatever you need to know will be shared with you during the guided meditation.

Guided Meditation

Landing. Arriving. Arriving in your seat. Arriving in your body.

Letting go. Letting go of all the words. Letting go of thoughts.

Arriving. Arriving here in this moment. In this body. This human body.

Breathing. Sitting.

Just here. Wonderfully here. Connecting with each in and out breath in the abdomen, just to settle and arrive some more. To till the soil of presence here.

Here. Now. Now.

This breath. This breath coursing through your lungs, your body, filling it with oxygen. Both yours and not yours.

A gift.

Can you receive this gift in this moment with appreciation?

Gift of this breath.

Each moment, a fresh gift. A new arrival, each breath.

This breath is in-breath. This out-breath.

Receiving generosity offered to us is just as important as having a generous heart of generosity that gives. Both receiving and giving.

Receiving. Opening up our senses to receive the good that's offered in this moment. Not making pain, suffering, and challenges the only measure of our attention. Opening up our senses.

Yes, there might be challenges, difficulty, heartbreak, heartache. That too. That too. And goodness.

The gifts of this moment. A body that works well enough. A mind that is clear enough. Enough safety to be sitting and practicing. Safety from the elements in this moment. Enough sustenance to fuel this body, and the gift of this breath. This air. This life. This being alive.

Relaxing the body. Receiving, opening the heart to receive appreciatively the goodness in this moment.

Now, as we feel our lungs are filled on their own, our bodies nourished by oxygen, by the gifts of this moment.

Inviting our heart to open and share its goodness as an expression, as a reflection, perhaps even as a wholesome duty to our inner goodness. Buddha nature, or the divine, whatever words we call it.

Tell our hearts to express, co-create goodness, kindness, generosity, by bringing to mind someone who has some good fortune.

Perhaps starting with someone easy. They don't have to have good fortune in every aspect of their life, but some aspect that's going well. And as if it were ours, as if it were our happiness, our goodness, celebrating.

It is ours. Others' happinesses are our happiness.

For a moment, what if we just dropped, just simply dropped the sense of separation? It is our goodness. It is our happiness to celebrate. It is our joy. "I am happy for you. I am so happy for you."

As if it were my own happiness. It is my own happiness.

I wish you... I wish your happiness to increase. I wish this happiness—not yours or mine—I wish this goodness to increase. I wish this goodness, happiness, to never end.

May it continue. May it never cease. May it grow.

Now, if you wish, maybe moving to someone who is just a little more challenging. Still bringing to mind their good fortune. Their gladness, as if it were your own. No separation in this human family.

And again, if in this relationship you're about to bring up there's been some hurt, we are not to condone unskillful and hurtful behavior. Can we still relate? Is it possible? Maybe not this relationship, in which case it's okay. Don't judge yourself. But is it okay to still relate to this person's humanity? Feel happy for their happiness, their good fortune, knowing that there might need to be some repair, some forgiveness. It still needs work, that isn't just swept under the carpet. It's acknowledged, but we can still have spaciousness in heart: "I feel happy for this being."

You might be surprised.

I'm happy for this happiness. For this good fortune. In the world, may it increase. May it never end.

I'm happy for your happiness, taking your place as if it were my own.

We are not so different, you and I, after all. Us human beings. We have so much more in common in our humanity. Having bodies that hurt, that age, that die. Hopes, aspirations, challenges, pain, sorrow.

I can be happy for your happiness, for your goodness. May there be more of it for you.

Is it possible to see yourself in the shoes of the other person? Living their life, with their hopes and dreams, their challenges, their physicality? Because life is so random. You could have been born as them. They could have been born as you. You could have had the same perspective on life as they do. Opinions, behavior. We are such a product of our environment, our culture, our family upbringing, our genes.

It is all dependently arisen^[2]. Dependent on so many causes and conditions.

Can you take their perspective, even if so different from yours?

From this perspective, letting there be generosity of spirit, of heart, as much as is available right now.

For the last minute of this practice period, being generous towards yourself for whatever this practice period was or wasn't. Distracted? Sleepy? It's okay, it's okay. You did your best. You did your best. You've planted seeds. And that's more than good enough.

Reflections and Q&A

Thank you all. Thank you for your practice.

We have a few minutes for reflections, for questions, comments. In the spirit of offering your reflections for the benefit of the sangha^[3] community, if there was an aha moment, or if there was even something challenging or difficult, please share.

Richard: One of my teachers who loves to teach the paramis^[4] is always telling us that she considers gratitude the eleventh parami. When you were talking about receiving generosity, it rang a bell for me because she really is having us get into gratitude practice all the time.

Nikki: Great. Yeah, it's so interesting because there are so many places that gratitude fits in the practices. One place is, as you said, this teacher who was putting it as the eleventh parami. For those who may not be familiar with that term, the paramis are the ten perfections, ten qualities of the heart. So it's a perfection, it's a beautiful quality of the heart.

Another place that I usually put it is in the brahma viharas^[5], with mudita, with vicarious joy. When you feel happy for the happiness, for the good fortune of others, when you turn it to yourself—when you're happy for the good fortune of yourself—oh, that's gratitude! It becomes gratitude. You become grateful. There's no other way to be happy for your own good fortune without it being expressed or felt as gratitude. So, given that we covered brahma viharas, gratitude is definitely part of the brahma viharas. So that's something else for you to bring in, to further plant in your practice, Richard. Thank you.

Bill, I see your hand.

Bill: I was able to think of the first person to have joyful mudita for. The second person, I wasn't able to come up with a distinct person that I knew was doing better or I knew how they were doing, and who I had difficulties with. I ended up cycling through a number of people where I had maybe not the best relations. The odd thing was it actually came much easier than I thought it would be possible. So I don't know, I followed instructions, but it actually went okay.

Nikki: I love that, Bill, that's fantastic. As you know by now, these practices take some creativity, and I just love that you didn't give up like, "Well, I don't have a person, okay I'm done, this is hard." But rather, "Oh yeah, well let me try it in this other way, let me kind of cycle through these people." Great, fantastic. Creativity is absolutely encouraged. And what I love about your practice report is that it was easier than you thought. Yes, you could feel happy for these persons that you had a little bit of unresolved something with. Beautiful. What a lovely report, thank you, Bill.

And Deborah, I see your hand, please.

Deborah: Well, similarly, I found it sad that I couldn't find a lot of people in my close circle that are really thriving right now. It's quite the opposite. But what was helpful was toward the end, you talked about just finding generosity for people. There had been a few people today that really irked me, just really let me down, you know. And so then I realized, oh, I can use generosity there too. So that was helpful. But I had to search for people way outside of my circle, people I don't even know, you know, like successful whatevers. And I know that if I knew them, I would realize there probably wasn't anything to practice with, because I think a lot of people are having challenges.

Nikki: So this is what I'll say, Deborah. I appreciate that you brought this in, and this is a line of invitation or instruction I fit in, but it might have been just once and it might have gone unnoticed: the person may not be happy in every aspect of their life. There could be just one aspect of their life that they're happy about. So that's what actually makes this practice work. Otherwise, you're right, if you know people well, you love them, and you know everybody has sorrows, everybody has challenges, there's not a single person—especially at the time of the pandemic, right? And I was like, "Oh yeah, this is great, may your happiness in every aspect of your life increase." Don't try to do the practice that way, because as you said, that's the problem you would run into.

Find someone for the first part of the practice that you know, and there's an aspect of their life that's going well. Yes, maybe they're having financial trouble, maybe their health is not great, but oh, they're in this really loving relationship that really supports them. "May your happiness continue, may it never end." So you see that modification there. May that help that work better for you. If you want to add more, you're welcome to. You found that you were happy for them?

Deborah: Yeah, I found that I couldn't find the places where I wasn't feeling happy for their happiness. I would think of people that have success in some area that I'm still working on, but I do feel happy for them. So it was really a stretch to say, "Oh, but I mean I'm kind of thinking of it as jealousy."

Nikki: I see, I understand now what you're saying and the distinction. I see, it wasn't every aspect of their life, it was that even the things you would like in your life, when they have them, you're still happy for them. Beautiful! How beautiful to know—and you already know it, but also rediscover, reconnect with that generosity of your own heart. "Wow, even though I want this for myself, I can be generous with this. I don't have to get jealous or envious or tight." Beautiful!

Deborah: It happens though, but it just didn't happen tonight.

Nikki: I'm sure it happens, none of us are perfectly enlightened. And yet let's celebrate the areas of our heart that are generous. Thank you for—I know you're trying to bring in humility, yes, and also let's celebrate beauty where it's there. Melanie, I see your hand. We'll make this the last comment before we go into groups.

Melanie: I'm amazed hearing how generous and magnanimous^[6] everyone is, meanwhile I was struggling a bit. I kind of had two examples, and I noticed the difference. One of them was very future-looking, like the thing that she has that was making her happy, I hope to one day have in the future. So then it was really easy to feel very warm and comforted, and it felt very not zero-sum. And then I noticed the contrast with another person I was thinking of where I was like, "This should be easy, I should be happy." I felt stuck. I was like, "Oh, but I'm kind of annoyed because I used to have that thing, and now I don't have it anymore." It was interesting for me to see the contrast in myself. The difference of how it feels to feel something like gratitude when it truly doesn't feel like a zero-sum game, versus when you do have those feelings.

Nikki: Interesting. Thank you for sharing that. So what I'm hearing is, as one was future-oriented, there was a sense of aspiration like, "Oh yes, I'm happy for what you have, that inspires me." Whereas you noticed how interesting it is when it's past-oriented, there's a sense of loss almost. And it's inviting you... what I'm hearing, and correct me if there's more that you're saying that I'm missing, but there's a sense of, "Oh this is interesting. I know it's not a zero-sum game... oh sweetheart, what's going on here?" Like there's some curiosity, is that what I'm hearing you say?

Melanie: Yeah, yeah.

Nikki: Beautiful. Beautiful investigation. Thank you for sharing that. May you discover more of that in this non-zero-sum game of goodness in the world.

So dear ones, let's transition to small group practice, groups of roughly size three or so. The invitation is to... we'll start with about 15 seconds of silence metta^[7] for one another, and then you can share as little or as much as you like about your practice with each other. Really with generosity of spirit. We've been practicing with our eyes closed and silently, but can you actually practice generosity with a couple of other human beings? Such a precious sandbox to be able to do these little groups. So here we go, I'm going to open the rooms. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other.

(Break for small groups)

Welcome back everyone. The rooms are closed and we have just about a minute. So if there are any burning reflections you'd like to share, you can type them in chat or raise your hand. Neil, I see your hand. Go ahead.

Neil: So how do you deal with someone who you are in direct competition with? Right? Where them winning could, you know, in some ways mean you're losing.

Nikki: Yeah, I trust it feels more challenging. I think it's a case where a different framing is needed, because if we enter it as a zero-sum game of winners and losers—if we enter it as a finite game versus an infinite game. Are you familiar with the concept of finite versus infinite games?

Neil: Yeah.

Nikki: So if you enter it as a finite game and set it up as winners and losers, then that's a frame that is stuck. It's a particular perspective that is valid too, and yet what I invite is actually shifting and looking at it slightly differently. There are ways to look at it differently. Also, not to say looking at it the way of winning and losing is wrong, it's just one way. What are some other ways?

Not to negate it, but are there other ways that this could be seen? This whole practice, and actually practice in general, is about ways of seeing. The ways we see something. So I'm not going to give you a recipe, but I'm going to invite creativity. What are some other ways this could be seen? And this is a longer conversation, and it's already 7:01, so I'll just leave you with this invitation. Not to negate—this is one valid, worldly way—but there are many other ways that it could be seen. So I'm going to invite your creativity and perspective shifting. Maybe we'll pick this up another time, Neil, is that okay?

Neil: That's great, thank you.

Nikki: Thank you so much. So dear ones, we have come to the end of yet another Happy Hour. Thank you so much for practicing with the sangha, for cultivating your heart for your own sake and the sake of all beings everywhere. May all beings be happy, may all beings be free, including ourselves.