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Happy Hour: Heart's Purification Through Sympathetic Joy

There are always preliminaries in every practice. Especially in the Tibetan tradition, there are a lot of preliminaries before you actually get to sit and meditate. So, these are our preliminaries: settling, here we are.

Hello and welcome. A warm welcome wherever in the world you are for our practice today together. We've been practicing this past week with a practice of appreciative joy, vicarious joy. In Pali, it's muditā^[1] (m-u-d-i-t-a), which is basically happiness for others. Happiness begetting happiness. It's a sense of generosity of heart, feeling happy when others have good fortune. This could also be happiness for our own good fortune, which gets expressed as gratitude.

We spent a few sessions with the practice of vicarious joy for a neutral person, just anyone in the world. This is such an expansive practice in expanding our heart. As many of you commented in previous sessions, this is such a heart-expansive, happy-making practice, to really turn our minds to good fortune with appreciation. Just celebrating goodness, celebrating happiness in the world, as if it were our own. A sense of delight, "I'm so happy that you're happy."

As we work through these concentric circles in this practice, we start where it's easy and then we expand our heart more and more. Then we might get into areas that are a little challenging, and we work with them and expand our heart further. For today, we are going to work with a neutral being, a little bit with ourselves, and then dip our toes into the next category: someone we're having some challenge with. Really feeling that they too are a human being, just like us. Can we also celebrate their good fortune? Not condoning all the other complications that we might have, but saying, "Hey, can my heart be expanded to just feel happy for their happiness?" And see how transformative that can be in the way we see our own capacity to relate to others. We can actually really surprise ourselves in how we can celebrate the good fortune of others, even if we're having some entanglement. It can get us to see dimensions of our humanity that maybe we were not even privy to. So that's the invitation for tonight.

We'll get into it slowly, especially if this seems a little intimidating. If any challenging emotions come up—I always want to say this—turn to them with kindness, with mettā^[2], to the challenging emotions. If upset, anger, disappointment, or pain comes up, then hold that with care: "Oh sweetie, this is hard, it's okay, it's okay." Then it becomes a practice of compassion. As long as you turn to whatever arises with kindness, you're doing this practice perfectly. It doesn't matter if I'm giving instructions for one thing, but something else is coming up for you that you need to attend to.

Guided Meditation

I invite you to sit or lie down in whatever posture is most supportive to you in this moment. What supports you the most in this human body? Landing in this body, this moment.

Softening... softening... softening the muscles of your feet, your legs, your sit bones. Softening your abdomen, your chest, your heart. Your neck and shoulders, arms, your hands. Feeling the softness of the flesh of your fingers, your hands. The tenderness, softness. Softening your face, your jaw, your eyes in their sockets. Letting them rest. Your forehead.

Letting your breath be received in your body. Your abdomen expanding, contracting. And with each out-breath, letting go and landing into your body some more. Letting go of any holding or tightness anywhere in your body that calls to you.

If thoughts arise, it's okay. Turn your awareness to them with kindness: "Hello thoughts, plans, memories, fears." Softening, relaxing, letting go of tension in your body that might have arisen with the thought. Bowing to the thought and letting it go for now. "Thank you, not now." Releasing thoughts, freeing them up. As you release any tightness or tension in the body, reconnecting with the breath in the body. Calming, soothing, in this moment, right here.

In this moment of aliveness, never to be repeated, fresh and new. Diving as if into a pool of this moment, right here with the breath. Right here, this breath. "Do I really need to think this thought right now?" Smilingly releasing, letting go.

I would like to invite you to bring to mind some blessing in your life that you are happy about. Turning your awareness to something—there's always something in your life that is good. Let your heart feel, relish a sense of happiness, gladness. Letting your heart feel expansive, celebrating, delighting in this goodness, this blessing, this gift.

Notice how naturally, when celebrating and turning our minds to goodness in our own life, thankfulness and gratitude might arise on its own, intertwined. Happiness for your own good fortune. With each breath, connecting with this goodness. Letting your heart expand, celebrate, dance. Be grateful if it wants to. And if the mind sometimes jumps into the future in fear—"What if it goes away?"—smiling, we bring the mind back to the present. "Come back, sweetie, stay in the present moment." It's not helpful to look at the future or past with worry and fear. Stay right here, celebrating, inhabiting this moment. This is what can be known fully. It's what is here right now. Let your heart expand, celebrating this goodness. It's in your life right now. Right here, right now.

Now, I'd like to invite you to consider someone you don't know well, a neutral person you don't have much history with. It's okay to have some feeling about them, not one hundred percent neutral, but you don't really know them. Maybe they're a neighbor you see walking by, or someone at a store where you shop, or a delivery person. Bringing this person, this human being—a stand-in for all of humanity—to mind. Appreciating this person. Just like you, just like me, they have challenges. Connecting with them—this human being, just like me, has hopes and dreams. They have a complex inner life that is just as complex as mine, and their life is just as dear to them. Just as I want to be happy, they want to be happy. Just as they have likes, dislikes, things they hope for or aspire to, so do I. We're similar in our humanity. And just like me, as I appreciate the blessings in my life, this person too has blessings in their life.

It's okay to imagine some blessing in their life for the purpose of this practice. Something they're grateful for, something they're happy about. A good fortune, whatever it is. Maybe they wake up feeling healthy, without pain—that is a blessing. Maybe they have a special relationship in their life, a loved one, a child whom they love, a parent, a friend. You can imagine their happiness for their good fortune. Maybe they just got some good news about something they care about. Maybe they just recovered from an illness and they are so happy to be healthy again. Let your heart celebrate with them. Happy for their happiness. Sharing the generosity of your heart. "May your happiness, your good fortune continue. May it increase. May it never wane." You can recite silently if you wish, or simply, "I'm happy for your good fortune. I'm happy for your happiness." Or maybe wordless, just feeling your gladness for their happiness, their well-being, our gladness.

And now, just as you and this person have so many similarities in your humanity, bring to mind someone with whom you have some minor entanglement. Not the biggest entanglement in your life, but some challenge. As you bring them to mind, seeing that just like you, just like this other human being, they too want to be happy, have hopes and dreams, and their life is dear to them just as yours is to you. And just as you celebrate and are happy for good things that happen to you, their heart celebrates, they feel happy for blessings in their life. And they suffer just like you do with challenges in their lives. You're not so different.

And as if you were them, living their life, for a moment, imagine yourself as them. With their challenges, with their good fortune. As you look out through their eyes, you feel the challenges they have in their life that bring them sorrow, and also the good fortune, the blessings that make them happy, bring them joy.

And with generosity of heart, flooding our heart too, be glad for this good fortune, for this happiness, for this blessing, as if it were yours. As if you were experiencing this blessing. "Ah, what a relief." Imagine they recovered from an illness and they are relieved, happy. As if it were your own happiness, feeling relief. This shared human condition. "May your happiness, may your good fortune continue. May it increase, may it never wane. I'm happy for your happiness."

See how it may be possible to step out of the contraction of the heart. Not condoning the harm, or the hurt, or the poor behavior—not condoning any of that. But it's also possible to step out of the limited view of "me" and "you" and "them" to just feel happy for happiness, for good fortune in the world. As if you're stepping out of yourself, as if you're a little fairy with wings, a little angel that is you. Just feeling happy for happiness in the world, including this person. Letting your heart feel expansive in its own gladness and generosity. So much more expansive and glorious—the capacity of our heart that we don't give ourselves credit for.

And as you may see yourself as this little fairy with an expansive heart sharing gladness, the gladness of this person you are entangled with, also this neutral person, as well as yourself. Seeing yourself from perhaps an external perspective: "May all your happinesses, all three of you, your good fortune continue. May it increase, may it never end. I am happy for your happiness. May there be more gladness, joy in the world." Bringing each being close one by one, and feeling into their blessings, the expansion of your heart for them.

Reflections and Q&A

"Thank you all, thank you for your practice," Nikki began, opening the floor. "So we have some time for reflections, questions, reports from the field—the field of your heart. What did you notice? What worked? What was challenging? It's all welcome. Everything you share is supportive of others."

A participant, Nancy, shared, "I have sort of repeated problems with this issue of jealousy that arises when I'm trying to wish well to somebody that I clearly care deeply about, but I'm struggling with it."

"Thank you for sharing," Nikki responded. "Just to say, this is very common with this practice. As I've said before, since this is a purification practice, it will bring up the feelings that we have. Does it come up in the sense of you feeling happy for this area of their life and you want that thing they have? Or can you say just a little more?"

"I would like to have what they have, and I would also like to share that with them," Nancy explained. "Having a partnership with them in that certain area. A creative process partnership."

"I see. So this is something that they have, you feel happy for them—it's a blessing in their life that they have a creative partnership with others. You're so happy they have that, and you want that in your life too. And you want to have it with them. So that's where the tightness is: 'I want this and they're not offering it.' But it's clearly a beautiful and very rich, fruitful part of their life right now."

"A couple of suggestions I have, both for you and everyone, because many of us will be experiencing this as an aspect of the practice. One thing you can do is to start perhaps with practicing muditā, appreciative joy, first for an area of their life that is not also what you want. Start where it's easier, and then make your way towards something that you also want. Another idea is what I was suggesting towards the end of the guided meditation: what if you stepped out of yourself and you were this little fairy? You were saying, 'Oh, Nancy wants that too. I have compassion for her. And then this friend of hers has this great partnership.' Basically, what I'm suggesting is to not personalize it. Because when we are in our selfing, it feels like, 'Me, I want this for me.' But if you try to remove yourself, even if for a moment, you can see that it's possible to open something new up."

"If I'm really stuck there, then try the first one?" Nancy asked.

"Try the first one, yes. Great, thank you, Nancy."

Another participant, William, shared his experience: "I had a similar situation to Nancy, and what came up was the wish—what I could access, and I don't know if this is bypassing—was a wish for their happiness that was free from dependency on conditions, rather than wishing them more of the thing that I wanted. I don't know if that's equanimity or if that's bypassing."

"No, it's not," Nikki assured him. "What I appreciate in how you tried to work with it is you went to mettā, which is wishing, 'May you be happy, may you be well, may you be safe.' Generally wishing them well without focusing on that thing that you also want is very skillful. I consider what you did a bridge to then doing muditā for them, because muditā for someone who has what you want, especially if they're a challenging person, involves expanding. We want to start where it's easier and then make our way forward. It's not a spiritual bypass^[3] at all. Cultivating goodwill—'May you have plenty'—and then later, when there is more stability and expansiveness in the heart and mind, expanding it a little bit. How does that sound?"

"Doable," William replied.

"Great, fantastic."

Nikki then addressed a question from the chat. "Jerry asks, 'Is it helpful to see others' accomplishments as something to admire rather than be jealous of them?' I appreciate that suggestion. That's another way to see how what they have can inspire you, instead of feeling contracted. These are all creative ways to work with our hearts and minds when they get contractive. You can be a little fairy, or start with mettā, or feel inspired. This is a creative practice, everyone."

After a period in small breakout rooms, the group reconvened.

"This is not an easy practice because of exactly these challenging emotions that come up," Nikki noted. "Wanting something, especially with someone we have entanglements with, is challenging. And yet, we work towards it. If you found it challenging, great, you're discovering the purification power of this practice. It's very common for this to come up. Don't feel like you're failing or you're not doing it right. You're doing it exactly right. This is what's supposed to happen on the way to the purification of emotions, wanting, and contraction."

Nav raised a point for discussion: "Talking about entanglements, I'm wondering about the relationship of this practice with expectation. The idea that an expectation can be a contract with ourselves to be unhappy until we get what we want. Are we ultimately working with our expectation of the other in this practice?"

"What I understood you to say," Nikki replied, "is that one thing making this practice challenging is this understanding that until we get what we want, we won't be happy. The scarcity mentality could be a part of that—'They have what we want, and we want that too.' But we can be happy without conditions. One of my favorite quotes is, 'Happiness is a choice you make; it's not about what you have.' It's about realizing that even if you had what you think would make you happy, there's still more to want. This can be a huge teaching, both in terms of selfing and this expectation that what you want will make you happy."

Nav added, "I'd love for you to touch a little bit on generosity and cultivating that quality of fullness. I wonder if that's the base quality that really needs to be cultivated in order to have this right view."

"Yes, it is," Nikki agreed. "And it's interesting because there are so many different ways that this practice works. For some people, it does work with this sense of abundance and generosity of spirit. The little fairy I brought up is an example of this generosity of spirit, unattached to an ego. For other people, that doesn't work; the need might be to go through the pain of wanting—'I really want this and I don't have it, and ouch, that's painful.' Really working through the emotions of contraction and selfing. There are many paths to the temple, Nav, and what you're bringing up is one beautiful path. It's very individual."

Finally, Nikki answered a question from Bill in the chat: "'Purification implies that these negative states lessen over time, correct?' Yes, that is correct, Bill."

"The time has come for us to bring this session to an end," Nikki concluded. "Thank you all for your practice, for your generosity of heart to show up for yourself and all those whose lives you touch. May you all be well, may you be safe, happy, and free."