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Happy Hour: Goodwill and Conflict

A warm welcome to each and every one of you, wherever you're joining from. For the topic of this session of practicing mettā^[1] together, cultivating goodwill, kindness, and holding ourselves and others with friendliness, what I wanted to invite us to explore ever so gently is the idea of mettā in the presence of conflict.

When there are disagreements, when there are people we don't agree with or they don't agree with us, when there is some kind of a conflict and we are locked in as "us" and "them," we are intertwined. We all have that. This is not individual. You might think that I've directed this evening's teaching specifically for you, thinking, "Oh, this is perfect timing," and yet this is the human condition.

Of course, Earth is a school. There's an author, Anne Lamott^[2]—I was blanking on the name, but it came to me—who has these ten short lessons about life, and one of them is that Earth is forgiveness school. How else would we learn forgiveness unless there is some kind of a conflict or disagreement?

Tonight we're not going to touch into forgiveness, so forgive me for having brought too many issues in! But basically, the invitation tonight is this: having conflict is unavoidable in this human life. For whatever reason—because of our backgrounds, our experiences in life, and that other people have different perspectives, needs, and wants—it can happen often that we are in disagreement. Maybe not even calling it conflict, but a disagreement where our positions are different. Where we are two entities—us and another being—saying things differently, having different perspectives which might bring conflict, either heated or cool.

The invitation for this practice period is to see, without condoning the disagreement, without condoning the harm that might have happened to you or the harm that you might be doing. Aside from any of that, the invitation is: can we hold ourselves with kindness? Can we hold the other person just with kindness, with an open heart? Just a little bit. Even if we can tap into it just a little bit, just to see their humanity. Just to see that they too are hurting. Just to see that the two of us are entangled in this knot—maybe a karmic knot, let's just call it that.

Maybe for the practice today, it might be wise, perhaps, if it's possible, not to choose the biggest knot that you're entangled in with someone, just so that it's a little easier. There's more space for the heart to open and hold with space. A sense of holding all beings, especially these two beings—the two of you who are entangled in this disagreement or in saying things differently. Again, if the toughest knot is coming up for you, then maybe that's what needs to happen. But it's possible not to choose number one, but something a little lower on the list, just so that there might be more possibility to open up.

What we'll do is get into it little by little. Right now, I'm going to ask you to let go of this idea of conflict. We'll start with grounding in the body with the breath. We'll take some time and till the soil as usual. Ever so gently, then we will turn our minds and hearts into cultivating mettā for ourselves, and then opening up to this other being whom we're entangled with, who is just a human being just like us.

Guided Meditation

For now, I'm going to invite you to let go of all the words. Let go of all the concepts, and let go of the image of the being you're in conflict with, and just come to your body.

This is the perfect time to arrange yourself, rearrange yourself, and get into a posture that's supportive for you. You may need to sit up a little more straight. You may need to lie down if that's what your body needs. A posture of integrity. Whatever is needed right now, whatever is supportive.

Landing. Arriving in this body. Letting go of all the thoughts, of all the stories, all the words that just came before. Letting go of all of that, and meeting this moment anew, afresh. As if you're a newborn child, just born into this moment. Greet this fresh moment with this body, afresh.

Sensing your feet on the ground. Sensing your hands on your lap. Your feet and your hands feeling grounded. Feeling your sit bones connected to the chair. Landing. Landed.

Also feeling your abdomen receiving the breath. Inviting the breath to move through the abdomen, through the chest. Natural breath, however it wants to move. And with each breath, feeling more grounded. Feeling more areas of your body open up and receive the breath. Abdomen receiving the breath. The chest. Moving down to your sit bones, your bottom, receiving the breath and relaxing, opening up.

With each breath, feeling your legs—upper legs, lower legs, and feet. With each breath, as if the pores of your skin are opening up, receiving the breath. Feeling more enlivened, more grounded. Your whole lower body, and the abdomen, and the chest, breathing, receiving the breath. Receiving the sensations. All these areas of the body enlivened, rich with sensation.

And now to your neck and shoulders. Soft, relaxed, dropping. Your arms, your hands are soft, relaxed, receiving the breath as if you're receiving the air in your hands as an offering. Your face, your forehead, your eyes resting in their sockets, relaxed and soft. Feeling the breath, allowing your face to soften, to be smoothed out by gravity. The whole body soft, relaxed.

Notice if any tension has crept in. With the out-breath, relax. Land again more deeply. The whole body receiving the breath naturally. Just relaxing, softening the body. Receiving the breath, the sensations of breath throughout the body, one breath at a time. Letting yourself take delight and appreciation for the breath. Feeling grounded, embodied.

And if thoughts are arising, no problem. Simply noticing, being aware of what's coming up, and without any judgment, coming back to the breath, to the body in this moment. Offering kindness to yourself and the nature of the wandering mind; it's natural. And as much as possible, making a choice in this moment to take refuge with the breath and the body, offering up the thoughts.

Now I have an invitation for you, if you'd like to gently give it a try. You don't have to; you can stay with the breath and the body if you wish. I'd like you to imagine a couple of children, or maybe a couple of pets, playing together. Choose whatever category works better for you. If you're a pet person, imagine a couple of pets just playing. You're bearing witness to a couple of children just playing together. They can be very young toddlers, or older children you know or knew at some point, or hypothetical. Similarly with pets. Whatever category of beings just brings up a sense of warmth for you. Warmth, understanding, affection, tenderness. Observing them playing. Appreciation. Delight.

Let yourself sit and really feel this embodiment of delight, care, and appreciation. Wishing well for these beings. They're playing, whatever the play might be in your mind. Feel how you have a sense of warmth and care. It can be very subtle, very mild. A sense of tenderness, appreciation, care. Maybe a smile shows up on your face as you're imagining this scene of two children or two animals playing with each other. The sense of your heart feeling warmed with affection, with friendliness, with goodwill. Wishing them well in their playing. Really feeling a sense of delight, appreciation, goodwill. Holding them with mettā.

May you beings be safe as you play. May you be happy. May you be healthy. And may you have ease.

Very simply, I wish you well. I hold you with care. May you be well. May you be happy. Picture them in play, and the sense of spaciousness allowing them to play in your mind's eye. And your body feeling soft, relaxed. So you see them engaged, involved in this play.

Now, in the same spirit of playing, imagine there is a rope pull. There's a rope, and one child is at each end, pulling, trying to pull the other one. It's a game of tug-of-war. Or maybe if they're dogs, it's a stick and they're kind of pulling at each other. So it's still friendly, just playing, jostling, kind of entangled in pulling and pushing. Maybe if it's younger children in your imagination, maybe there's a ball that they both want to play with, and they're just kind of pulling.

And again, you're just watching them, holding them with care as you see they're entangled in this push and pull. Wishing both of them well as they're entangled. Holding space. Continuing to wish well, holding this entanglement, the push and the pull. Spaciousness of the heart with care. Feeling your body grounded, breathing, and feeling a sense of care, spaciousness, equanimity, and warmth for both of these beings.

Now I'd like to invite you to let go of that image. Feel the breath moving through your body. Your body soft, relaxed, receiving sensations with a sense of care and warmth.

And now gently, if you wish, bring to mind yourself as you're embodied in your own body sitting, and an image of this being that you're entangled with in some proverbial push and pull, some conflict. Maybe they're sitting in front of you, or maybe they're a few feet away, or at a distance. Whatever feels comfortable. Just seeing the two of you.

In the same way that you were holding the two children earlier in spacious warmth, see yourself and this other being, the other person. Feel yourself held in mettā, and universal mettā. The two of you entangled in this disagreement, letting your nervous system be soft, relaxed. And just seeing, holding, letting their humanity and your humanity be held for one moment. Not wanting to be right or wrong, just letting the nervous system relax and be held in mettā. You held in mettā yourself, and the other being also held in mettā and goodwill.

Regardless of the story—maybe putting away the story for a moment, actually—can you both just be held, and hold yourself and the other being with goodwill? Both of you entangled. It's not so personal, in some ways; anyone with the same life experiences, genetic makeup, stories, etc., would be tangled in the same way right now. Just seeing your humanity.

And if it becomes too challenging or overwhelming, just come back to the breath and the body. When there is more space, you can bring back their image, or not. Maybe if it's possible or available, open up to see that they hurt too, just like you. They're a human being. They experience pain and disappointment, just like you do. Just that. That's enough. Not needing to forgive or work out what to say. None of that. Just sensing your body, receiving the breath, feeling embodied. Holding yourself who suffers with care, and this other being.

May both of us human beings in this entanglement, may we both be safe from harm. May we feel happiness and joy. May we both be healthy. May we both have ease. Or maybe simply, may we both be well.

If it feels too challenging, either seeing them a little further away, or just coming back to your body and breath, see what works for you to just see their humanity, as well as seeing your own humanity. Allowing a lot of space. Allowing your body to be soft and relaxed. Both of you held in goodness and benevolence. Both of you held in universal care and benevolence.

For the last moment, holding yourself with care, without judgment for whatever arose or did not arise during this practice period. Letting go of expectations and bowing to aspiration.

Thank you all for your practice.

Reflections and Q&A

So I changed the settings so you're able to unmute yourself and chat with everyone if you wish, and you're welcome to share reflections. Either type them in chat, read them out loud, or you can unmute yourself and speak out loud.

I'll start by saying that it feels so powerful to have a relaxed nervous system. Just being held, feeling myself and the other being with whom I have some entanglement, both of us just held in benevolence. The universe, or the sense of mettā, holding both of us, and me holding both of us with care. It was wonderful to be holding both with mettā, but of course so many different things can arise. So please be welcome to unmute yourself and share, or type in chat.

Tom offers his appreciation. Thank you, Tom. Thank you for your reflections, you are most welcome.

Jean shares, "This is my first time with you and I could feel a couple of moments of the mettā and the enveloping. It was very brief, and I feel that with more practice I will have more of that to come. So thank you for letting me experience it briefly."

Thank you, Jean, and I'm so happy you're joining for the first time! And also today for some people—it's morning right now in Australia and in Japan for those who are joining. Today's practice was also a challenging one. You came on a day when we're not doing it for a dear or an easy person; those are easier categories. So if you were able to tap into it with this more challenging place, then yay, that's wonderful! I delight in your practice. Thank you for that.

Neil offers, "I feel relieved, unburdened, lightened." Ah, thank you, Neil. Beautiful.

Clark offers, "I was nervous when you said conflict, but I found it to be not as challenging as I had feared." Yes, thank you, Clark, I appreciate that. The word conflict often arises with a sense of alarm, like, "Oh, what are we heading into?" And I'm so glad that you found it to be not as challenging as the fear usually is. Things that we fear are often not as challenging as we imagine them to be, so I'm glad that turned out to be the case for you also.

We'll take one more reflection before we head into our practice meetings. On YouTube someone offers, "Joy from crows." Yes, there are crows in the background where I live!

And Luciano offers, "Thank you, Nikki. I feel centered and very grateful for the practice." Thank you, Luciano, for offering that. I'm glad to hear it's been centering. I appreciate the centering sense of it also.

This practice can be quite connecting. Connecting us to ourselves, and also connecting us to others, which we'll turn our attention to in a moment. We'll be turning to practicing in community. When I say this, the invitation is not to say, "Okay, now I have to put on my social face and interact with people." That's not the idea, but rather keeping the sense of connection to yourself, this sense of embodiment. For six minutes we'll be in Zoom breakout groups with a couple of other people, holding yourself with an embodiment of care, and holding them too. Holding self and other with a sense of care and seeing what arises. You might just sit together and hold each other in silence—these wonderful beings practicing from around the world with you. West Coast, East Coast, Australia, Japan, and other places.

And again, if tonight is not the time for you to practice in community, it's perfectly okay. No judgment. But if you're on the fence, if you're afraid, then stay. Don't leave just because you're afraid. I'll loosely paraphrase a couple of our participants who, a couple of sessions ago, said that they didn't like the practice meetings, but they hung in there, and now they love the small group meetings. Now it's their favorite part. So if you're on the fence, please stay.

I'm going to create the breakout rooms, and we'll come back and we'll have time for a few more reflections. And I see Yuka has a reflection; I'll come back to yours, Yuka, after the practice meetings. Here we go. Small groups, just opening them up.

[Breakout sessions occur]

Okay, welcome back everyone. The rooms are closed now. A couple of things before we get started. One is I wanted to appreciate and honor Yuka's reflection, which I didn't see until it was too late and you were going into groups. Yuka offers, "I felt that the tension on the outside disappeared and the space on the inside expanded and joined. Thank you for always leading me to a wonderful place."

Ah, thank you, Yuka, for sharing your reflection and your practice. Because as we share our practice and really bring it to the space of the container, we're supporting other people with our practice and with our wisdom. And whether it works or it doesn't—whether you're led to a wonderful place or you're not—it's all welcome. Everything is welcome so that we learn from what is arising, no part left out.

And the other piece I wanted to bring in was the author I could not remember earlier, Anne Lamott. She has these ten rules for living, and one is that life is forgiveness school.

So with that, I'd like to invite your reflections about how practicing in the group was for you. How the practice earlier was for you. Questions, comments, complaints—it's all welcome. So please unmute yourself or type in chat. Don't be shy, especially if you didn't speak earlier. Any challenges, anything that was particularly difficult, or maybe something that was surprisingly easy.

"Hi Nikki, this is Bhupal. I just want to share that I had mettā with brief moments of conflict or chaos. Maybe I don't know why, but it might have something to do with what's going on around us."

So, did I hear that right, Bhupal? You said that there were moments of mettā interspersed with moments of conflict and chaos?

"Yeah, that's what I said."

I appreciate you bringing this in. If that's natural—and of course it's natural, it happens—what I would suggest is to keep coming back to the body. Because when we get stuck in the stories, the thoughts, what happened, and what they did, those are the times that we usually get into the chaos. Is that what was happening? Getting into the story and entanglement of it, and losing embodiment?

"Yeah, I guess just different things. Maybe just the weather or the current climate."

Again, the main thing I would suggest is to come back to the body. I know I'm going to sound like a broken record, but coming back to embodiment can be so nourishing. Feeling the body connected, and finding where it's nourishing. If there is enjoyment of the breath, or enjoying the sensations of sitting, or not having any pain, use the body. Rely on the body to nourish yourself. I just cannot say that enough times. Thank you, Bhupal.

And thank you, Gene, I really appreciate that you felt nervous before the groups but soon felt comfortable when you began talking. So thanks for hanging in there, especially given that it was your first time both with the practice—which was a more challenging topic tonight than usual—and with the group. So I appreciate that reflection also.

We have spent a perfectly good hour cultivating mettā for ourselves and others. Thank you all for practicing together, for doing this work both for yourself and for others. May our work, our cultivation of goodwill, serve us, and serve all beings everywhere. May all beings be well. May all beings be free, including ourselves.

Thanks everyone, take good care. Be well, may your heart be happy. You can argue with yourself and say, "Thank you, Nikki." Good night, good morning, good everything. Bye Diana, stay safe up there. Thanks, you too. Bye!