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Happy Hour: Shifting from “I Have To” to “I Get To”

Introduction

Hello and welcome, everyone, to this rendition of Happy Hour practicing together. This week we have dedicated Happy Hour to the practice of appreciation, gratitude, and giving thanks. It is such a beautiful, lovely practice. As I shared with you on Wednesday, having practiced it with you and throughout the week with the theme of giving thanks, this appreciation has been coming up not just in the formal practice for me, but also in the informal moments, which has been lovely.

I hope that has been the case for you. In fact, let's do this a little untraditionally. If anybody would like to raise their hand and share the moments they have noticed in this past week—appreciation and gratitude coming up in informal moments and the significance of that—let's take one or two reflections.

Bill: I didn't consciously plan to do that, but in an off moment, for some reason, I started to think of grade school and of a girl I knew who was mentally [challenged], and it just struck me how different my life would be if I didn't have the mental capacities that I have now. I felt grateful for that, and also kind of sad for her, thinking of her.

Nikki: Thanks for bringing this in. This spontaneous bringing up of gratitude and appreciation for a gift that you've had, which is your mental capacity—which you've taken in many ways for granted—recalling someone who didn't have this gift. And of course, holding compassion for them. How challenging life can be. Not to completely undermine the strength and the grace that many of us with challenges have, including mental challenges. All of us have different kinds of challenges. Holding that with compassion and turning to gratitude for what is here. Thank you for bringing that in, Bill.

Jerry: Spare me if I've said this before, but I read an article this week and it really helped me think. Rather than think about how much I have to do every day—I have to do this, I have to do that—it transformed it by saying, I get to get up and help people each day. I get to go for a run. I get to see the snowfall as it did today in Toronto. Framing it that way helped me recognize gratitude in so many different ways.

Nikki: Nice. I get to. I get to. Wow, what an amazing, wise shift in perspective. Instead of I have to, I have to, it becomes I get to. What a great invitation. I'd like all of us to explore that. Let's bring that into the practice. Thank you, Jerry, for planting that seed.

Claire: I've just been wanting to share that one thing I started doing about six or seven years ago. I have two friends who are interested in the issue of gratitude, so we circulate an email every day of three things from the day before that we're grateful for. It goes among the three of us, so it sort of allows us to stay in touch. I wouldn't pick up the phone and call them all the time, but I know exactly what she's doing and what the good things are that are happening for her. It really changed a lot of my ways. When I first started, I thought I was grateful, but I realized after day two I couldn't think of anything. I really had to focus on the good things that were happening in my life. I didn't do that normally; I always saw what was wrong, not what was right. It's been so helpful to me.

Nikki: Thank you, Claire. I appreciate you bringing in the nuance of how, after a while, it feels like you run out of things, and then you really need to pay attention. Instead of the mind saying, "This is a stupid, boring practice, I'm done," your curiosity and interest kept you with it. Like any other practice, after we scratch the surface, it gets juicy. It gets really juicy. How transformative it has been to actually turn to the good.

I think we are warmed up now for practicing appreciation. The topic is very well framed, but maybe I'll just say one more thing. Entering into another dimension of gratitude also brings in generosity. As we talked about on Wednesday, generosity and gratitude really are a pair; they go together. What if we entered into a dimension of holding whatever gifts we have been given, whatever challenges we have been given, with an open, spacious stance of generosity? Generosity is an open hand that doesn't hold tightly. It receives and releases. Gifts are received, they're released. Challenges are received, they're released.

With this open hand of generosity, can we appreciate what is challenging? What pushes us? What stretches us? Can we hold it with appreciation, with an open hand that receives and releases, and doesn't hold on?

With those seeds from the Sangha^[1] and reflections shared, let's begin our formal practice.

Guided Meditation

Let's land in our bodies. Let's land in our seat, as always arriving. Arriving in this body, with this breath.

Inviting all the muscles to soften, to relax, to let go. Our hands, arms, shoulders. The neck, our jaw, our face, our forehead. The chest, the back, upper back, lower back. Ah, the abdomen, from the inside, releasing. Releasing into our sit bones, our bottom. Releasing into the chair, to the cushion. Our legs, upper legs and lower legs. Feet, releasing.

The whole body releasing, and receiving.

The lower abdomen receiving the breath joyfully, appreciatively. We get to do this. We get to sit. What a gift we get, I get. I get to sit in this moment and practice here, with this support. I get to take this moment to rest, to receive.

Receiving the in-breath and the out-breath.

And if thoughts arise, as they will inevitably do, letting them be received with an open hand. Ah, here's a thought. Letting them be released with an open hand, as if with a smile. Thank you, thoughts. Thank you, please come back later. No need for any ruffles. Thoughts will come, they will go. Let them be received and released.

It's part of this training. It's part of this cultivation of the heart and mind. Thoughts are not a problem; they give you an opportunity to practice. To practice generosity, release, appreciation. Thank you for coming, thought. Please come later. Thank you.

I get to do this. I get to practice. Don't miss this moment. I get to do this.

What a gift. What a gift to be able to do this with Sangha, with support. What a gift to have met the Dharma^[2]. What a gift this moment is. Even if there are challenges in this moment, in the body, and the heart, and the mind, can we open up to the mystery of this moment being a gift?

If you wish, you're welcome to stay with receiving the breath and the body. Opening up with appreciation to whatever is being presented in this moment. A stance of open-handed generosity in receiving. Receiving spaciously, then releasing spaciously. A sense of appreciation, coming and going. Appreciating, and non-attached appreciation. Not a clingy appreciation; an open-hearted appreciation.

And if you wish, you're welcome to open up to reflect. Bring in a couple of things that perhaps you've held with an attitude of, Oh, I have to do this. What if you turn and shift that into, I get to do this? I get to do this, with this open-hearted stance of non-contracted appreciation. I get to do this. Wow.

Inviting your heart, your mind, to open up to what lies below scratching the surface. When you shift this perspective to I get to do this, things you never imagined will open up. I get to serve in this way. I get to serve myself, or others, in this way.

Are there any difficult, challenging aspects of your life that open you up to grace, to beauty, to service in ways that wouldn't be possible if they weren't there? I get to do this because of this. I get to grow. I get to be more. I get to be wiser, more compassionate. I get to do this.

See if that's available. If not, don't push it. It's an attitude of inspiration, not expectation. Hold it all lightly.

I get to do this.

Instead of I have to do this, I should do this, I must do this. Having so much heaviness and obligation. I get to do this acts as an uplift, aspiration, inspiration. Shedding the heavy weight of expectation. I get to do this.

Breathing in, breathing out. With the goodness of this gift, whatever it might be.

Even if it's a gift of darkness, I get to explore it. I get to explore this gift of darkness, which I know and trust opens up. This gift of dukkha^[3], suffering, that opens up compassion to wisdom. I get to do this. It's completely shifting and turning, changing the frame. Exploring and expressing my full humanity. I get to do this.

May all beings everywhere, including ourselves, appreciate all the gifts of grace, however they come. May all beings everywhere wake up and be free.

Reflections

Thank you all. Thank you for your practice.

We have some time for reflections, for questions, comments. What did you discover? The invitation is to share your insights and your discoveries as a gift for the benefit of other practitioners.

Speaker 1: I just want to thank Jerry for bringing up turning the "have to" into "get to". It's so applicable to almost everything in my life. Everything that I usually use the construction I must, I have to, damn it I now will. There's so little that's really onerous and so much that's an opportunity, if not a pleasure. I was thinking of many years ago, right around this season, I had had some surgery and I couldn't walk for a little while. Then when I could walk, every step was, I get to walk. I get to walk down to the store, I get to walk around the block on my crutches. Because it made such a deep impression, I've kept some of that. Some days, two decades later, I'll still walk down the street and think, I get to walk, how delightful. So thank you.

Nikki: Thank you. Well said. Lovely. And yes, with appreciation to Jerry for bringing his practice in so that we could all benefit from it and spend this time really sitting with it.

Greg: I was really taken by when you said I get to experience the paradoxical nature of that assessment. That this is an opportunity to grow, to learn how to cope, to learn how to flow, to learn how to turn loose a bit, to see the insubstantiality of it. It's so counter-intuitive and strikes against the traditional conditioning of constraints and challenges. Remolding my mind to think that way is great stuff. I love paradox, and I love uncertainty, and I love the mist. This is a great opportunity to experience all those things, so thank you for that.

Nikki: Thank you for bringing that in, and sharing how that impacted you. This shift in perspective really is awakening, freedom, Nibbana^[4]—whatever you call it. It really is about a shift in perspective when we see and relate to things differently. In so many ways, that is what awakening is. It can happen in so many ways. It's not necessarily just waiting for that final moment; it can happen in little shifts in perspective, little by little.

One thing that came up for me tonight—and many of you know that I have chronic illness and many symptoms—was, I get to be sick. I get to experience pain. I get to do this, because that's when I really slow down. My mind meets whatever challenge and difficulty—pain, fatigue, slowing down. I get to be sick, I get to do this. There is a sense of delight, because I would probably not be sharing the Dharma or be a Dharma teacher if it wasn't for the gift of this illness. I would continue to be a computer scientist! So, I get to be sick. I get to do this. Yay.

Marianne (via chat): I also appreciate this tonight very much. I thought, I get to be a mother, and the difficult times opened my heart more than it ever would have done.

Nikki: Nice. Thank you, Marianne. Another reflection comes in: "The gift of dukkha, which seems inescapable, is a challenge for me." Yes, it can be. And slowly, slowly, the shift of perspective can happen in small ways. Not to expect that all the time.

Jerry (via chat): I recently have had a cancer scare and missed this bullet gratefully, and this dukkha has helped me help others.

Nikki: Wow. Thank you, Jerry. Thanks for sharing that. It deepens us, whether we miss it or not. It deepens us to serve and support others.

So it's time to turn into small group practice. The invitation for tonight is to take a page out of the book that Claire brought up at the beginning. You can share as little or as much about your practice as you wish. If you're up for doing this gratitude practice with another person or two for a week—just commit to it for one week, not for the rest of your lives—you can do it in text, email, whatever you're comfortable with. At the end of the day or the next day, figure out what works for you. Just commit for one week. What a great practice to hear what other people are grateful for. At the end of the week, whoever wants to renew the commitment can do it for another week, and if not, then you drop it. I'm going to create the breakout rooms now. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other.

(Breakout rooms close, and participants return)

Nikki: Welcome back. We have just about a minute for any reflections you'd like to share. I'll share a reflection from David on YouTube who says: "I learned to do that years ago. One day all at once I lost a job and a beautiful apartment, becoming jobless and homeless at once. Ever since, I say 'I get to do housework,' etc." Thank you for sharing that. A profound way to change and turn falling into flight.

Stephen: I'm very grateful and I'm happy I get to rebuild. It seems like not too many people get the opportunity to start the concept of a rebirth of the mind, and just learn from a very respectful perspective. I'm very grateful to have this mindfulness, I'm very grateful to have the Sangha, and to just be part of a community that develops a very beautiful-minded person, unique to each individual. So I'm thankful for that.

Nikki: Thank you, Stephen. Thank you so much for your words of gratitude for this practice, for the Sangha, for all the cultivation and opportunities. That's a lovely note to end our week of appreciation and gratitude on. A perfect note.

Thank you all. Thank you for your practice, thank you for your cultivation. Thank you for showing up for each other, yourselves, and the world—all those whose lives you touch. May all beings be well. May all beings be free. Thank you.