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Happy Hour: Appreciating Things We Take For Granted

Introduction

A warm welcome to you all. It's lovely to see you. The theme for this evening—surprise—is continuing on the theme of gratitude. As I mentioned on Monday, we're dedicating this week to gratitude practices. There is so much here; gratitude practices are so rich. On Monday together, we explored a particular way to practice gratitude for those we take for granted. I trust yesterday with Diana, you explored yet another way to cultivate gratitude. What I wanted to bring up today for our contemplation before we do the practice is that I actually just discovered even more power to gratitude practice than I realized. I already knew it was an amazingly empowering practice, but I just discovered more in the past couple of days.

There is a lot of research done in psychology, and one person who has done a lot of work on gratitude is Robert Emmons. He is known for his work on gratitude journaling—writing three things that you're grateful for every day or every night, or exchanging them with people that you care about. Some of his findings show that people who keep a gratitude journal tend to have better quality in their relationships, their symptoms of illness seem to be lessened (or their perception of illness is lessened), and they also exercise more. It seems that gratitude works to decrease the stress from loneliness, illness, and disconnection, and improves well-being in so many ways.

But it turns out there are many more aspects to this. There's other research by a researcher named Wendy Mendes^[1] showing that gratitude also serves as a buffer for stressful situations. In the Trier Social Stress Test^[2], it turns out people who practice gratitude are more resilient in terms of stress.

What really stunned me—especially because we're getting towards the end of the year, a time when people have New Year's resolutions and intentions, aligning ourselves with a sense of willpower—is research done by David DeSteno^[3] at Northeastern University. There is a wonderful program on the Hidden Brain podcast that recently aired where he talks about these studies. As wonderful as willpower is in accomplishing our goals and prioritizing future happiness, some studies show that there is a cost of stress. There is a sense of rub when we're exerting willpower. That is a fine price to pay, but sometimes there might be more stress in really evoking a lot of willpower.

It turns out—and this is astounding—that those who practice more gratitude associate more value with long-term goals instead of short-term gratification. Giving up short-term gratification becomes easier. Something happens in our minds when we have a sense of gratitude that makes it easier not to want short-term gratification. Not only is this important for our personal goals in life, but also for how we show up in the world, and most importantly, moral development and moral actions in the world. Ethics, or sīla^[4], often requires us to forgo the short-term benefit of cheating or lying for something bigger. It turns out that gratitude makes people more moral. In some studies, people who were primed to feel gratitude were more likely to speak up when they saw someone being cheated, whereas significantly fewer people spoke up when they hadn't experienced gratitude. It just astounds me how gratitude has these beautiful inner powers, making it easier for us to live more ethically in terms of social transformation, as well as accomplishing our own goals of goodness and development in the world.

One last thing I want to share with you before we get into the practice: it is said that gratitude is both about paying back—turning our attention to the people and things we are grateful for—and paying forward. That happens naturally. There is a lovely quote from the sociologist Georg Simmel^[5] that I'd like to leave you with: "Gratitude is the moral memory of mankind."

With all of that as motivation for ourselves and others, let's cultivate some gratitude.

Guided Meditation

I'd like to invite you to get into your meditation posture. Whether you need to sit up straighter or whether you need to land more deeply by lying down, do whatever your body needs. Arriving. Landing in this body, with this breath. Allowing yourself to receive. Allowing this body to be gentle and soft. Resting. Receiving the breath in this moment in the abdomen.

If thoughts are arising, maybe first you can have some gratitude that this mind is capable of thinking. Thank you. Just turning it around, turning it on its head. Not being upset that you're distracted, but thinking, "Oh, this mind can think creative thoughts. Lovely, thank you." And then thanking the thoughts: "Thank you, and can you please come back another time? I look forward to seeing you another time." Inviting your awareness to land, feeling nourished and grateful for a moment of stillness, a moment of refuge, which is the breath and the body.

As awareness is invited to feel and sense the sensations of your bottom on the cushion or the chair, have a sense of gratitude for awareness. Gratitude for sensing, for feeling the sensations of your bottom, the feet, the legs. If you are sitting on the floor, contacting the earth. Gratitude for sensing your feet, your legs. There is delight in sensations; it's kind of fun to sense, to feel. Feeling the sensations of your hands touching each other or your lap. Letting these sensations be, whether they are vibration, tingling, warmth, coolness, buzzing, heaviness, or lightness. Appreciating the gamut of sensations.

As the breath is received in the abdomen, letting it move through the abdomen on its own. Each breath is like a little gift being received. If you were receiving your favorite gift at Christmas—holding it, thanking whoever gave it to you—feel as if each breath, each in-breath, is like this little package, this gift wrapped thoughtfully in beautiful colorful ribbons. The gift of life with each breath. And it's just given to you. You don't have to work for it, you don't have to breathe; the breath breathes itself. Just receive it graciously.

As the body receives the breath, let the awareness of the breath, starting with the abdomen, now feel more expansive. Appreciating the breath in the abdomen, in the chest, appreciating the breath in the whole body. A feeling of expansiveness. Still feeling embodied, still feeling your body on the cushion or the chair, let your awareness be more expansive. Appreciating the breath and the air within you and all around you. All the air in the room and the space you're sitting in. Behind you, in front of you, above, below, right, and left. Feeling the expansiveness all around you as the breath is received. Still feeling embodied. If you notice too many thoughts coming up, you can always bring your body to the foreground to ground a little more. If you're feeling grounded, let there be this sense of expansiveness, space, and openness. Taking a few more minutes to just settle together.

I'd like to invite you to see if, with an awareness that knows the sensations of the body, the breath, and thoughts as they arise, awareness can be imbued with appreciation and gratitude. So that whatever awareness touches, whatever it knows, upon touching and knowing this object of sensations or thoughts, there is a sense of appreciation. Earlier, I invited you to have a sense of appreciation for sensations, for the breath, for the sense of expansiveness, and for thoughts. Now, have it for whatever arises—emotions, even if it's the hindrances. If you notice boredom is arising, or restlessness is arising, as you get to know it, can there be an appreciation for knowing it? Gratitude for knowing it. It doesn't have to be heavy-handed. Appreciation and gratitude for knowing, for seeing, for sensing. Gratitude for awareness that's alive, mysterious, present, and clear. Clarity of your mind in this moment to know, not to be deluded, numb, or checked out, but to get to know even if it's pain or whatever is coming up. Wow. Thank you, awareness. Thank you, mind. So that whatever is touched, the grace of appreciation is there.

Of course, you might be aware of being settled, calm, and happy right now to be sitting in this moment meditating. Let that be known with appreciation. How nice for it to be known, for it to be recognized. How sweet.

Now I'd like to invite you to imagine you're opening the door of your pantry, your refrigerator, maybe the medicine cabinet, a drawer, or a closet—whatever is most vivid for you. As you're feeling grounded in your body breathing, conjure up a few items. For example, I did this last night as I was brushing my teeth. The medicine cabinet was open, and my mind turned to appreciating each item. "Oh, the nail clippers. Wow, somebody designed this. How nice to have this, it has served me so well. I'm grateful to have this implement. How challenging would it have been thousands of years ago with nails growing to not have a nail clipper." With each item, feel a sense of appreciation or gratitude for it being in your life, for it supporting you, not taking it for granted.

Maybe there is an item that someone gave you. Appreciating the kindness, the good will, the generosity of the gift and the gesture. As your mind's eye touches every object, stay with it for a few moments with a sense of gratitude and appreciation for all the effort that's gone into it, the people, the design, how it supports you, how much you appreciate it, how good it tastes, or how it makes you happy. Be creative. There is so much to appreciate and be grateful for. If you're having trouble conjuring up things, you can just gently open your eyes and look around you. Pick a couple of objects, close your eyes, and just really feel gratitude and appreciation for them. Maybe even for the chair you sit on, the cushion, the roof over your head. Take your own time exploring in silence.

Especially, I'd like to invite you to appreciate all the things you take for granted. So many things all around us that support us every day that we take for granted.

For the last moments, appreciate yourself and whatever is arising in this moment. Opening up with spaciousness to whatever is arising in this moment with appreciation. It's like this in this moment. Appreciating it being known. Appreciating yourself for having shown up. Thank you all for your practice.

Reflections and Q&A

There are so many ways, so many nuances to practicing gratitude. What's nice about the Happy Hour is that we have time and space to explore the different ways. On Monday together, we explored thanking the people we take for granted, like the cashier whom we might see just as an object instead of seeing their humanity. Thanking them, and all the people around the world that contribute to, say, a cup of coffee that we drink.

Tonight was an invitation to appreciate all the little objects we take for granted. Not in the way of becoming materialistic, but when we appreciate all the goodness, all the little things—you know, the nail clipper that's in our lives, just all these little gifts that support us—there's a sense of abundance that we feel in our lives. Instead of wanting more and more, clinging, our heart feels full of abundance. On Friday, we'll explore yet another way to practice gratitude, perhaps more with the traditional way of people in our lives and things we're grateful for. But I wanted to explore these unusual ways together.

I would love to hear your reflections if you'd like to share. You can either type them in the chat, or raise your digital hand. I guess I'll start by sharing one thing about my practice. Last night, as I was saying in the guided meditation, as I was standing and brushing my teeth, since I've been practicing gratitude, I started to feel gratitude for every single item in the medicine cabinet. "Oh, this face cream. Wow, somebody gave me this. How nice of them. My toothbrush. Wow, this is really useful." I was feeling grateful for every single item, and by the time I went to bed, I was full of gratitude for all these simple things. Thousands of years ago, people didn't have them, and I'm so grateful they're in my life because they make my life easier and simply support me. So, thank you, nail clipper. Thank you, face cream. That's something that came up for me in my practice. What would you like to share? What's happening for you?

Liz: Thanks so much for guiding tonight. I wanted to share that when I practice gratitude for the little things in life—I tend to do that on the regular—I can feel flooded when I start noticing the little things because then it feels like a lot of little things. I'm just curious if you have thoughts about working with overwhelm in gratitude. Because then it's like, "Oh, it's all the things." And then a lot of things go on in my mind, like, "What if I don't have them?" Or, the overwhelming beauty of life can hit me and feel flooding—not always in an emotional way, but just like, "Holy moly, life is elaborate and dynamic." Just curious if you have thoughts on that.

Nikki: I appreciate you bringing that in. I heard two dimensions of overwhelm in what you mentioned. One is the sense of overwhelm which is actually quite common. For example, when you think of all the people who have contributed to a cup of coffee, it's like the whole world. The sense of richness and the causes and conditions is overwhelming. I'll have something to say about that. The second thing I heard you say is a sense of fear—"What if I don't have this?" Did I hear that right?

Liz: Yes, I definitely did say that. It's this, "What if I lose this ability?" Once it piles up, there's a moment when I'm like, "It's not always going to feel like this," or "I'm going to forget about it," or "Things are going to change." So there is a feeling of loss with the accumulation of these thoughts, but more so the loss is just the magnitude of it.

Nikki: I appreciate you bringing this up because this is very common. It's helpful to pace oneself with the gratitude practice. When you're feeling grateful for one thing, don't go through it rapidly. Take the time. If you're doing it with objects, stay with one thing—stay with the nail clipper for a few moments. Really say it, think it, appreciate it, so that the mind can have a stability. If it jumps too quickly from object to object, or from person to person—"That person contributed, and that person contributed"—if it's too rapid, the mind can get overwhelmed. Stay with each person or item you're appreciating and feeling gratitude for so the mind can stabilize. You will see the difference.

The other thing is if it comes up with a sense of loss—"I so appreciate my health, what if it's not here?"—it becomes future-oriented. It becomes a fear of a future day when this is not here. You want to intentionally bring your mind back: "It's okay. Right here, right now, we don't know what the future is. Don't even go there. Come back, sweetie." Just very gently and kindly bring your mind back to right here, right now. It's here. Appreciate it, relish its goodness, and let go. It becomes a matter of practicing letting go of the future-oriented fear thoughts.

Neil: I found on Monday's session as well as tonight, that sometimes when I start thinking about things, it occurs to me that some of the things that I take pleasure from have potentially been made in bad ways. Particularly, we were talking about appreciating your shirt on Monday. I don't know if my shirt was made by a 12-year-old girl in a Bangladeshi sweatshop or not. It's just not obvious to me how to avoid clothing that runs that potential risk. It's definitely not gratefulness, whatever those feelings are.

Nikki: I definitely hear you, and I hear two aspects to what you're saying. One, I hear a sense of moral responsibility and moral care, which is beautiful. That is an aspect of sīla^[4:1]. Your heart quivering with care is actually lovely, and I'm appreciative that that is a response of your heart. If that's the response and it comes not with guilt, but with a sense of "How do I do this? What can I do?"—that's a beautiful and wholesome way of actually doing something about it. But if it feels like a sense of guilt, or "I can't even do this practice," then it's belittling and you get stuck.

The invitation I have is, as you are engaging in this practice and a sense of responsibility comes up, to not go in the direction of guilt, but to ask, "What can I do about that? Is there something concrete I can do?" Then go in a direction where your heart can be uplifted in the sense of gratitude, so that you can do both practices. Both your mind and heart can be sensitive to impact and how you can be in the world, and you can also do the practice of gratitude, which has all these advantages, including bringing up moral responsibility. This practice is not binary; it's not a zero or one. It's gray, and you need to find your way with it. There's nothing I can say that will just make it easy and make it go away, and it's not supposed to.

We have a couple of comments here in the chat. Gita says, "It is easier to be intellectually grateful than making the emotional connection, feeling the gratitude." I appreciate that. The invitation there is similar to mettā^[6]. A lot of times people connect intellectually with mettā by saying the phrases. Connect with gratitude intellectually until it actually connects. Fake it until you become it.

Claire says, "Gratitude is wanting what you have." Indeed.

I'd like to repeat the quote to close with: "Gratitude is the moral memory of mankind," by Georg Simmel. I really appreciate everything that came up with the comments, and especially what Neil brought up. I think it's really important that when we do these practices, we try to stay morally aware of the ways that we can show up in the world and take action. In a way, it's similar to when you're doing the mettā practice and it brings up anger or disappointment towards someone. Those can be purification practices, so you have to find ways to work with whatever is coming up and still cultivate mettā. In the same way, work with a sense of responsibility. I don't want to call it guilt, because guilt belittles you and leaves you stuck. But if it brings up a sense of responsibility, great. Can you work with gratitude as well as a sense of moral responsibility?

We've gone way over time; it's been a rich discussion tonight. Thank you all for your practice, for practicing gratitude. Practicing gratitude brings up a sense of moral responsibility and connection. It's brilliant and beautiful. If you want to listen to more about this, look up the Hidden Brain podcast episode titled "What Gratitude Gets You" about the work of David DeSteno and the connection between moral responsibility and gratitude practice. Thank you again, wishing you a day of giving thanks tomorrow wherever you are. May you and all beings be safe, happy, and well in every way.