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Happy Hour: LK on MLK Day -- People Different from Me Are Not So Different

Welcome to Happy Hour. Whether it's your first time or your hundredth time, or I don't know, your 300th time—we've been doing this for a while now—I am so delighted to have you with us. I also want to congratulate and say Happy Martin Luther King Day for those of you who are in the U.S.

Teaching Happy Hour, teaching mettā^[1]—loving-kindness—on Martin Luther King Day always has poignancy and significance for me because the idea of Happy Hour is to cultivate love. It is to cultivate goodwill for everyone, for ourselves, and all beings everywhere. And the message of love is one that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. shared. I get chills as I say that because it can be such a radical stance to take: one of love and not hate. There are so many powerful speeches and quotes by him. I'll just share one. He said, "Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend." How true that is, and that's something that we cultivate and practice in Happy Hour. Just one more, he said, "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." Isn't that profound? Hate is too great a burden to bear. It's just heavy.

With that as our container for today, we're going to continue with cultivating mettā. As the year has started, Diana and I have been going through the cultivation of different categories systematically. Given that it's MLK Day, it feels right for me to switch to the next category. We can always stay with categories longer, but we will start the next category today, and you can always linger.

The next category is the neutral being: cultivating mettā for the neutral being, for the person who's a stand-in for all of humanity. You see why that makes sense on MLK Day. Mettā—love, care, warmth, goodwill—for somebody who's a stand-in for all of humanity.

Just a couple of words about this category. Some people find this category to be the easiest because the neutral person is someone you don't know much about, so you don't have much entanglement. It's easy to wish them well: "May you be well, may you be happy." It can be really easy. However, if we don't try to relate to the humanity of the individual, it can become dry very quickly.

So the invitation is to really try to feel into the humanity of another human being who's just like us. In that way, actually, our hearts can really flourish. It can feel beautiful, lovely, and happy-making for us to be wishing well for another human being whom we don't even really know. What an act of kindness, what an act of generosity and goodwill, to share our goodwill with someone who wouldn't even know we're wishing them well. Wow, how radical is that? What a gift, what a beautiful, soulful, graceful offering.

Guided Meditation

So with that as the preamble, let's get into our meditation posture. I'd like to invite you to settle in your seat. If you need to move or to shift, just sit comfortably, or maybe lie down comfortably. Whatever is appropriate for you in this moment. And settle. To land, to arrive in your body.

Letting go of anything that has come before. Any thoughts, worries, disappointments, or cares. It's okay, you can bow to them and say, "Thank you all, thank you. I will come back to you after this session. Right now, I'm going to give my heart to this practice, and I'm going to take this time of refuge, 30 minutes for this meditation practice. I'm going to take refuge." Bowing with kindness.

Turning your full attention to your breath. The breath breathing you. In-breath and out-breath. Receive the breath in the feet, the legs, the lower part of your body, and your sit bones. Letting them relax and give their weight to the earth. Letting your breath be received in your abdomen, in your chest, and your whole trunk. Just this, right now.

Let your breath be received in your neck and shoulders, relaxing, softening. Your arms and hands feeling heavy, being breathed into your face, your forehead, your jaw relaxing. Your whole body. And with each out-breath, landing, relaxing somewhere. Relaxing all the soft tissue of the body.

Again, if thoughts or memories arise, inviting them to relax together with the muscles of your body, as if thoughts were relaxed. As if you are getting a massage with your breath, relaxing with each breath. Let the thoughts soften. And when they soften, maybe they get translucent. They settle. Receiving the breath, one breath at a time. What a joy to just sit and be breathed, simply and quietly, stilling and quieting the mind and the body. One breath at a time. Enjoy it for the next few minutes.

And now I would like to invite you, while you stay embodied, feeling the breath in the body, the abdomen, the legs—without leaving the body—to bring to mind someone whom you don't know very well. Maybe choose someone whom you've met, but don't really have a strong like or dislike or history with them. It could be someone at the grocery store, a neighbor, a barista, or maybe even someone you've seen on TV. Another human being you don't really know.

For the purpose of today's practice, let's bring to mind someone who's different from you in how they show up in this body. Maybe their race or their color, or their nationality is different from how you happen to show up in this world. Not your choice, not their choice. None of our choices at all. We don't get a menu before being born. Letting this neutral person be different from you, maybe in their gender identity, their sexual orientation, their abilities, or their physicality.

Bringing this person, this being, to mind as clearly as you can, conjuring them up. And of course, they could have different beliefs from you. To mention that, a neutral person—but let's not choose someone who brings out too much challenge for you, especially relating to these days' political situation. If that's your edge, let's leave that for later when we get to more challenging categories. We still want to keep this cultivation easy in this moment. So someone who's different from you in some category, in some way, while still being relatable. Let's start where it's easy; we can always move to more challenging categories later.

So bringing this being, someone you've met or know or seen who is different from you in some way, and bringing them up to your mind's eye with as much clarity as possible. What do they look like? What do they feel like? Again, it's okay to use your imagination for this cultivation. Imagine that this person who's different from you in some way, this human being, just like you, they don't want to suffer. Just as I don't want to suffer. Just as I don't want to experience physical pain, or emotional pain. Just as I want to be happy and peaceful and joyful and healthy, this human being too, just like me, they don't want to have pain or sorrow. They want to be happy.

Just as I have loved ones, people whom I care about who are dear to me, and people who care about me, friends—this person too, this human being, is an object of affection to people who care about this being. They stay up late into the night, you can imagine, worrying about their safety, their well-being. This human being cares for others. Maybe this being is a sibling to someone, a child of someone, or maybe a parent of someone, or a partner. Maybe a spouse to someone.

This person has a complex inner life, just like you have a complex inner life. With hopes and dreams, aspirations, sorrows—so do they. Their life is dear to them, just as yours is to you. So dear. They have values that they stand up for, just like you. They have suffered. They have suffered loss, disappointment, failure, rejection, sadness, depression, just as you have. They've lost people they've loved, as you may have also.

They've experienced joy and happiness and laughter, just like you. There are things they enjoy doing. I'll invite you to imagine them doing what they love doing. Maybe it's a sport, a recreation, or cooking, or whatever it might be. Imagine them doing that and just loving engaging in it with others. Imagine them eating their favorite food and enjoying it, just like you. Maybe whatever your favorite food is, imagine them enjoying that. Maybe it's your favorite ice cream flavor, that one that gives you delight and pleasure. Them too, you are not so different. From this place of common humanity, seeing their humanity, wishing them well.

May you be safe. May you be safe from inner and outer harm. Dear fellow human being, may you be safe.

May you be happy. May you be happy and joyful. Imagine them happy with their loved ones, with their children, friends playing in the sun, or whatever your imagination lends itself to.

The third mettā wish: May you be healthy. May you be healthy and strong, dear fellow human being. Imagining them healthy, strong. Maybe they're jogging or doing a recreational sport they love with people they care about. They're healthy. May you be healthy and strong.

And may your life flow with ease. May you take care of yourself happily. Dear fellow human being, may you take care of yourself happily. May you have ease. Watching them, imagining them having ease in their life.

Saying the phrases of mettā for this person, connecting with the felt sense. May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you have ease. Connecting with their felt sense. When the juice gets lowered, imagining them again eating your favorite food or ice cream flavor. Maybe you imagine yourself hanging out with them. You're not so different. Maybe you ask them about their life, and they tell you about their life, about what's challenging, what's easy, what gives them joy. You imagine listening patiently and wishing them well all the while they tell you their life story. May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you have ease.

Keep connecting with this human being, their felt sense, imagining them. It's okay for this practice to use your imagination. Seeing them, feeling them doing things that maybe you love doing. Maybe they love the same kind of music. From this place of shared humanity, common humanity, wishing them well. I could have been born as you; you could have been born as me. It's so random. May you be well. May you be well. Just as I wish to be well, I wish you well.

Feel like you can experiment with wishing both of you well: May we be well. Both of us, may we be well. You imagine being with them, spending time talking with them, enjoying the same things. May we be well.

And for the last moments of this practice, this person you've chosen, they smile at you. They see you. They see your inner goodness and they thank you for your goodwill, for your cultivation, even for one moment of goodwill and friendliness. They smile at you, beaming, bowing, thanking you. When the two of you meet, your inner goodness bowing to theirs in recognition. Each of your humanities bowing, mirroring, echoing each other in goodness and in appreciation. Perhaps as you wish them well, you feel their goodwill. Receiving their goodwill. Giving and receiving.

May the cultivation of friendliness and goodwill for a neutral being, as a stand-in for all of humanity, support the cultivation of mettā and goodwill for all beings everywhere, including ourselves. Be a cause and condition for joy, happiness, ease, and complete liberation from suffering for all beings everywhere. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free.

Reflections

Thanks everyone. Thank you for your practice. I feel lighter and happier, I don't know about you. It's so lovely to wish well for someone I don't know.

I will say one more thing as I invite you to share your reflections either in chat or to raise your hand, especially if you haven't shared recently. This is such a profound practice. It really teaches us, when we practice this, that the distinction that our mind makes between those who are dear to us and near to us and people we don't know, is really no difference. We can find that we'll start to care, we can start to fall in love in a platonic way, and really care for people we don't know.

I've had many cases of doing this practice of mettā for the neutral being and then starting to really care for that person, feeling as if there's no difference between them and my dearest friend in my heart space, really caring for their well-being. And of course, they were just this neutral person I didn't really know and hadn't really exchanged any words with them. This often happens actually if you go on a mettā retreat. At the end of the retreat sometimes, especially in residential retreats, people maybe would come up to you and say, "Oh, you were my neutral person." And people smile knowing what that means, like, "Oh yes, you started as someone I didn't know and I had just seen in the lunch line, and now I really care about you." So that's kind of the code word: "You were my neutral person, I was doing mettā for you."

So I'd love to hear your reflections on what came up for you in this practice, especially as you imagined the neutral being being different from you in some aspect and yet keeping it easy and relatable. We still have the challenging being in a few days, so you're welcome to type your reflections on what came up for you in chat—what was easy, what you discovered, what maybe was challenging—or you can raise your hand.

Reading from chat: "Intense emotional good experience." Thank you for that reflection.

Another reflection: "Magical. Who knew this random guy at work had such a complex, rich, and beautiful life?" Oh, that's lovely. Yeah, who knew, right?

We have gratitude and thanks on YouTube. Thank you all for practicing on YouTube. A bunch of folks joining us.

One more reflection in chat: "I strayed from neutral. A young boy was lost in the desert today." I'm not quite sure whether that's metaphoric, whether you're the young boy who was lost or whether your mettā went for the young boy who was lost in the desert. Probably the second. I'm assuming so, maybe it became more of a compassion practice.

Another reflection: "I did not realize how much my neutral person was wanting the same happiness that I sought." Oh, lovely. Thank you. We don't realize these things, right? We don't think about them.

One more reflection: "It was such a surprise to imagine this woman, whom I have never seen smile, play and laugh." Oh, that's great. Isn't that fun to imagine them smile and laugh and play?

One reflection from YouTube: "It's really hard to put myself in someone else's shoes, so I really appreciated the practice." Lovely. Thank you for that reflection. This is the way we can build a muscle of empathy, especially if it's hard to put ourselves in their shoes, to just really imagine. There is some research actually, on when you imagine people that you don't know, when you think about what food they might like and imagine eating it, there are areas in your brain that light up. There are areas of finding human similarity. I'm really simplifying the neuroscience here, but something lights up. Practicing that can really help us relate to another person not as an object or this thing that's in my way—this person who just cut me off, and they're just an object in my way, I'm going to be late—but another human being just like me with a complex life.

One last thing to share is for me, as I was talking about their flavor of ice cream, and as I watched them in my mind's eye enjoying the same flavor of chocolate dairy-free ice cream that I love, imagining them loving it, it was just a sense of visceral connection with this human being. It's so accessible, right? Why not imagine that? Why not create that sense of visceral connection to this human being, or them listening to jazz and enjoying the same song I like?

Breakout Groups

Thank you all for practicing. And now, before you hop off, I know many of you think, "Okay, small groups." Just before you hop off, here's the invitation: if you have to go because you have a meeting or a family member you need to take off for, please go. But if it's out of fear of, "Oh, people I don't know, I have to be social and relate to them," I invite you to stretch yourself just a little bit. Stretch your edge and see what it's like to be with a couple of other people whom you don't know from around the country and the world, who are kind, who are going to be holding you, and you're going to hold them. This can be really magical. So I invite you to stretch yourself just a little bit.

Afterwards, if it wasn't worth it, please tell me. I would love to hear about it, but my research and also other research that has been done in psychology says that it's actually good to do this even if you're on the fence and you want to hop off. So I do invite you to stay and just... you know, what's the worst thing that can happen? There's nothing that could really happen to you, right? Fear is the only thing... I'm totally butchering the saying. I'm totally forgetting the saying, but something like "fear is the worst thing." Anyway, I'll remember the saying... [Laughter] gosh, everybody's laughing. Anyway! I'm going to create the breakout groups. Here we go. I hope you're going to stay on, even though I couldn't remember the fear saying. But maybe you'll come back and tell me what that fear saying was. So here we go, I'm going to open them.

(Breakout sessions occur)

Okay, the rooms are closed. Everyone is back, great. So we have just about a minute. Oh, and thank you Don, she reminded me. The saying I could not remember is, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." So familiar! Yes, so I'd love to hear if anybody had this fear of, "Oh, I don't want to join the groups, I never do," but you did. How was it? Would you be willing to share your experience if you would raise your hand or type it in chat?

Yes, Jerry.

Jerry: It was fabulous, it was great. I mean, this is my first time, but I had no apprehension. It was just fabulous, it was great. I think it's a cool idea. I really enjoyed it.

Nikki: Fantastic! Yay, we'll ask you for a testimonial, Jerry: "I showed up for the first time and it was fabulous. I loved it and I wasn't afraid." Great, thank you. Thanks for that. So I'm going to ask now if anybody was apprehensive to join, but joined, and how was it? Anybody want to share that experience a little bit? Or any experience at all, how the meditation was for you, or if you discovered something in the groups you hadn't discovered before? Maybe one more comment before we close, especially if you haven't shared much recently. Marie Christine, haven't heard from you for a while. Yes, please.

Marie Christine: I shared this with the people in the group in terms of the neutral person. To me, no one's neutral. Like, I was thinking of the lady at the checkout at the supermarket who's a lovely person. But then is she neutral? It doesn't mean that I'm judgmental if everyone I meet is nice or not.

Nikki: I'm so glad you brought this out, Marie Christine. This is something that comes up a lot when we get to this category. The idea isn't that it's supposed to be completely neutral. You don't have a lot of history with them. Nobody's neutral; we always have a little bit of either pleasant or unpleasant with everyone. We like their hairstyle, we don't like their tie, or whatever it is. So it's okay, a little is fine. It's just that you don't have a lot of history with them, you don't really know them. Just as you said, the lady at the checkout—maybe you've just had a minutes-long interaction or conversation with them. In some ways, you're relating to them as their function, perhaps, not with their humanity. I think that's the idea here. So this is great, I'm so glad you brought it up.

Gosh, now we're getting lots of reflections in chat, let's see if I can catch up with them.

"I was apprehensive and I very much enjoyed it. There was someone from my small group last week." Oh, sweet, great! Isn't that fun? Someone that you saw before, and I like that you were apprehensive and you very much enjoyed it. That's great.

"For my group, familiar stranger was the term I had learned on the mettā retreat." Familiar stranger, yeah, that's an interesting one.

One more reflection: "I'm always in such admiration of the people whom I meet in the groups here." Yeah, that's sweet.

And one last reflection: "I feel so much less alone now. And so grateful to you, Nikki, and the sangha^[2] group and community as a whole. Thank you." Ah, what a lovely note, it just makes me so happy. I feel less alone too with all of you, connecting with all of you every week. This is such a privilege.

Thank you all for your practice. Thank you for showing up, supporting yourself, supporting each other again and again and again. May you all be safe, happy, healthy, and well, and all beings everywhere. Thank you all.