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Happy Hour: May I Feel/Be Safe for Myself & Others

Introduction

Hello everyone, and welcome. It makes me so happy to be with you and see you. What a joy and a gift for us to be able to come together in this way, even though we are separate in space, and maybe even in time for those who are listening later on Audiodharma. We come together to practice, so it also makes me happy to see your faces on Zoom. What a gift to me.

For our practice together today, the theme I'd like to invite us to explore is this: in the practice of mettā^[1], cultivating loving-kindness, there are four traditional phrases. We offer them during Happy Hour. There are different variations of them by different teachers, but basically they go something like this: "May I be safe," or "May I feel safe. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I have ease." Then it could be, "May you be safe," or "May you feel safe, happy, healthy, and have ease." So: safe, happy, healthy, ease.

The first wish, the first cultivation, has to do with safety—feeling safe, being safe, offering safety. The second wish is for mental happiness. The third is for physical happiness, which is health. The last one is for overall ease in life, taking care of oneself happily, and how one's life flows.

Tonight, I'd like to focus on the first wish, which is safety. Sometimes that appears actually as an odd one. I remember in the first years of my practice, I could get the, "May I, may you, may they be happy and healthy and have ease." Especially the happy and healthy one, I got. "Yep, sure, it's the wish." But safety, I wasn't quite sure about. Some teachers also put it in the order to be the second or the third, after happy and healthy, whereas I think traditionally it's actually the first one. So, why safety? Why is safety important? Let's explore that a little bit.

I'll share from my own experience that years later, when I was doing intense retreat practice, it occurred to me while I was playing with the order, saying them differently and just exploring these phrases and ways of cultivating mettā. I realized that actually feeling safe or being safe is the precursor to all the other ones. Until you feel safe, until there is a basic sense of safety, those other happinesses—physical, mental, ease—can't really happen. Safety is the basic need. If we think of Maslow's hierarchy of needs^[2], it's a very basic sense of having shelter and food; safety is very, very basic.

There is also other psychological research, like Bowlby's attachment theory^[3], that shows when we feel safe, there is a sense of safety that for many of us starts with our parental relationship—with our moms. Then all those other happinesses, physical and mental, get laid on top. This wish for safety that we cultivate—"May I be safe. May I feel safe. May you be safe. May you feel safe"—again, there are different versions of that, which I'll talk about in a moment.

This wish for safety, cultivating or feeling into safety, is really, really important. Often when we're practicing, if we don't feel safe, it's really hard to concentrate. If you're sitting in an environment and you're feeling scared, it's really hard for the heart and the mind to settle and have any level of concentration, samadhi^[4], or stillness. There will be a lot of agitation if there is a lack of safety. So it's an important one to bring attention and awareness to, and to cultivate in our wishes as we turn our minds and hearts to it.

Just another thing I wanted to say before we start practicing and exploring, is sometimes we use the extended phrases: "May I be safe. May I feel safe from inner and outer harm." Inner harm is how we harm ourselves through our thoughts, our actions, and our emotions—basically the three poisonous roots^[5] of greed, hatred, and confusion that take our own safety away in our own heart. Then there is external safety: "May I feel safe from outer harm."

Another aspect I want to bring in is: Can we be safe? Can we offer safety to others? Can we be a safe person for others? That's really important, so that they're not scared of us, they're not afraid of us. "May I be a safe haven. May I be safe for others. May others feel safe in my presence." That can be another aspect, another way that we can explore this first beautiful phrase of mettā.

Guided Meditation

I've spoken plenty tonight about this safety thing. Let's practice together. I invite you to land in your meditation posture.

See how the sense of safety feels. What do you need? Do you need to shift and move? Do you need to lie down? Do you need a blanket to wrap yourself in, or a shawl? Right now I feel cold, so I'm going to take care of myself. What do you feel? What do you need right now to tap into a sense of containment, contentment, and safety? At this present moment, can the heart relax?

Relax and soften the body. Land and relax into the muscles, from your sit bones down to your feet and your legs. Feel a sense of safety that the cushion or the chair is supporting you. The laws of gravity are not suddenly going to change so that you fall. There is a sense of safety, trust, and relying that yes, the chair and the cushion hold you and will continue to hold you. Feel a sense of safety in being held in the lawful nature of gravity. Let your body relax into it.

If thoughts and ruminations are arising, can we let go? Release, trusting that if they're important enough, they'll come back. Trust that right now, we don't need to be thinking this, do we really? Letting go. Releasing. Landing in the cocoon, the safety, and the ease of this moment just as it is, however it is. It doesn't need to be different.

Let the breath be received in the lower abdomen, one breath at a time. Let loving awareness receive each breath, calming, soothing, and settling, one breath at a time.

As the breath is breathed in, can we acknowledge that in this moment, there's a roof over our heads? We are indoors. There's safety from the elements—from the rain, the cold, the sun, or whatever might be happening where you are. Feel yourself wherever you're sitting, acknowledging safety from the elements with each breath received in the abdomen.

Now, if you would, conjure up someone in whose presence you feel safe. You can be yourself; you feel safe. It could be someone from your life, someone living, or even deceased is okay, as long as no grief arises. Or it could be an archetype—the Buddha, Kuan Yin^[6], or an archetype from any other religion or theology that works for you. Just feeling safe in the presence of this being. Conjure up their presence as clearly as possible for you, and notice how your body and your heart can relax and feel safe. Gently drop in the phrase: "May I feel safe. May I feel safe."

If feelings of a lack of safety come up—fear, perhaps worry, or self-judgment—can we offer those thoughts and emotions safety? Let your fear feel safe; it doesn't have to go away or be squashed. Let the worry, or any other thoughts or emotions that are arising, feel safe. Offer safety through and through, with no part left out. "May I feel safe. May I be safe from inner harm." Offer safety to every part of yourself. See what happens. Be curious.

Just as this compassionate being that you conjured up, this kind presence in your life, wants you to be safe and wishes you safety, can we wish it for ourselves as a blessing? Showering ourselves with a blessing, fully well knowing that life is uncertain, of course, and yet we cultivate our hearts in wishing well and offering a gift of goodwill. "May I feel safe. May I be safe from inner and outer harm. May this being who is me, who shows up in this way in this body and this mind and conditioning, may their heart feel safe. May their body feel safe, whatever the circumstances of life. May there be a sense of inner goodness and safety, a lack of fear, fearlessness, and trust that supports all goodness to blossom."

Now, if you wish, you're welcome to bring in the other phrases of mettā after the one for safety, or to stay with safety. "May I be safe from inner and outer harm. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I have ease." Maybe after bringing in the other phrases, safety is even more resonant. "May I be safe from inner and outer harm. May this being who is me, may I be happy and joyful. May this person who is me, may they be healthy. May I be healthy, as much as possible. May this being have the benefit and the blessing of health, as much as available. May this being who is me have ease in their life. May I have ease. May this life of mine flow with ease. May I take care of myself happily."

"May I be safe. May I feel safe from inner and outer harm. May I be safe both for myself—in how I treat myself and how I speak to myself—and may I be safe for others."

And for the last moment of this practice, we offer ourselves safety for however this practice period was. Whether there was sleepiness or distractions, instead of judging ourselves or berating ourselves, can we offer safety to our hearts and our minds, and appreciation? "Thank you, dear. Thanks for showing up as best as you were able to. You're safe. You showed up. Thank you. I offer you safety. I offer myself safety." See what that feels like, even for just a moment, to offer ourselves safety.

Reflections

Thank you everyone for your practice. There is so much to explore in this theme of safety, what a rich theme. We have some time, and I'd love to invite you to share: what did you discover? What came up for you? If you would be willing to share something that you discovered, you can raise your Zoom hand, please, or you can type in the chat. If typed in the chat to me alone, I won't say your name and it will be private. If sent to everyone, then I will read out your name as well. What did you discover? Fred, please.

Fred: I've always been confused by this concept of safety within the mettā group. Your acknowledging your own initial confusion helped lead me into wondering about it as I was exploring it. I was struck by how powerful it was for me as I thought about two men who, when I was a young man, had been important to me as mentors. One is dead now, and the other I just don't know if he's still living. Being with the two of them—I'm much older now than they were when they were important to me as a young person—but being shoulder-to-shoulder with them in recollection and feeling was really comforting to me. It also made me recognize that later in my life, when I was able to play the role that they played for me with other young men, I drew a lot of that from them, though I wasn't largely conscious of it. That sense of safety, just like a sense of danger, can be passed down and spread out in ways that are untraceable.

Nikki: Thank you, Fred. Thank you for your eloquent description of receiving safety and then passing it on as a gift. What a gift. Thank you so much. Gita, please.

Gita: I've always found that safety is a key piece to all of the mettā, and until I reckoned with this, it was impossible for me to have any access to the other pieces. I learned again during this session that sometimes it didn't help me to think of people at all—not at all. I do know that in some cultures, mine included, which have been mass traumatized, there is sometimes a level of hypervigilance and an innate lack of safety. It's not always reflected in one's life; you can do all kinds of courageous things and people would never know. But only through meditation and those explorations did I recognize that I relate to a lot of things in my life through fear, and I would have never understood that otherwise.

Interestingly, what occurred to me was that I was popping a candy in my mouth during the meditation, and it happened to have the flavor of an ice cream I had as a child. That recollection somehow provided safety, but no other thing, and I definitely didn't expect that. Also related to that, the way I've been dealing with this notion—that it can be difficult to feel safe at a very elemental level—is by trying to add to my mettā practice to make myself safe for my fear. Just adding that piece and saying, "I can be a safe place for my fear." Even though years ago I would have never characterized this lack of safety as fear—fear is way too big a word, it's much more subtle than that—but again, it's sort of how I feel I relate to many things in my life if I'm really honest. Does that make sense? It's a bit convoluted.

Nikki: Oh, absolutely. It made very clear sense. Thank you so much for sharing. What a beautiful practice of offering safety to your fear. What a beautiful way to acknowledge it and to work with it, offering safety to yourself and the fear. I'm also just delighted, so much mudita^[7] for this serendipitous discovery of popping this candy and... oh, it's like Proust and the madeleine^[8], right? It just brought back this sense of safety. Actually, one invitation I would have, especially knowing that your mother tongue is not English, is to practice offering your fear safety, and offering yourself safety, in your mother tongue. I know for me it's been transformative saying the phrases in Farsi. This sense of safety that I had when I was a child with my grandmother and my mother was like, "Oh wow, it is powerful." And something that you tapped into with this candy flavor opens that up. Beautiful. Thank you, Gita.

Gita: Yeah, thank you for letting me share.

Nikki: Thank you for sharing. So powerful. Thanks to both of you for sharing your insights.

Let us turn to holding each other with safety. This is an important part of tonight's practice: offering safety to others. How can we listen, offering safety to others? This is an important practice. Please, if you can stay—if you have to go, you have commitments—but if you can stay, how can you show up and offer safety to someone else? What does it look like? What does it feel like to do that? And then notice what it feels like for others to be doing that for you. Let's start with fifteen seconds of silently offering safety: "May you be safe. May you be safe." Then you'll be in a small group, and you can share what you discovered and listen while offering safety. I think this can be very interesting. So let's practice together in this way. I'm creating the breakout rooms and opening them. Here we go.

(After the breakout rooms)

Welcome back, everyone. The rooms are closed. We have a few minutes for any reflections. What did you discover? What did you notice in this practice of offering safety to yourself and others? Jerry says, "Wow." Jerry, would you like to say more, please? You can unmute yourself.

Jerry: You asked us how we can provide safety to others, and we were reflecting as a collective about how just being here and participating in this sangha^[9] is a way of providing safety to others and ourselves, in the small groups as well. It's just an extraordinarily rich environment. So thank you for all you do, and thanks to everyone here. I think that's at least right now how I'm doing it.

Nikki: Thank you, Jerry. Thank you for your participation and everyone's participation in this co-creation and cultivation of safety. Beautiful, thank you. Are there other reflections? What did you discover? Especially if you haven't spoken for a while, I would love to hear from you, or if you're new. What did you discover? Neil, please.

Neil: That was a lovely meditation. I found, and certainly the people in my group seemed to also have taken on, a new understanding of how important safety is. How important it is to make others feel safe, and how important it is to make ourselves feel safe. It was a lovely practice and a lovely conversation. There was some discussion about the relationship between making somebody feel safe and loving them, and there certainly is a tight relationship there.

Nikki: Absolutely, exactly. That's it. It's beautifully said.

Neil: It wasn't me, but thanks. [Laughter]

Nikki: Beautifully explored and co-created by all of you, this relationship between safety and love. Exactly. Maybe we will explore that more on Friday. We have come to the end of our time. Thank you, Neil, thank you so much. And thank you to all of you. Thank you for your practice. Thank you for showing up today and cultivating your heart in offering safety to yourself and to all other beings. May all beings be safe. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including ourselves. Thanks, everyone.