This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video above. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.

Happy Hour: Loving-kindness for a Dear Friend

Introduction

Hello again, and welcome to Happy Hour, everyone. Tonight, what I'd like to offer for us to explore is the practice of metta^[1] for a good friend and for ourselves. As I mentioned previously, Diana and I have decided we are going to go through metta and all the brahmavihārās^[2] more or less systematically.

A couple of nights ago, I did the category of a "dear benefactor," which is one of the easier categories. Sometimes in the West, we lump these categories together. I think Diana taught it on Tuesday as the "dear being," "easy being," or "lovable being." Traditionally in the canon, however, there are two separate categories. First is the benefactor—someone who's been supportive to us—which I covered on Wednesday. Some of you reported that it was easy to relate to this category. The second category is the dear friend, a good friend, and that's also a wonderful category to support us, especially if practicing for ourselves is difficult. We can start with a dear friend and then turn the well wishes toward ourselves.

These are all cultivation practices; they are skillful means. There is no right or wrong. We use our imagination, our memory, our sense of sight, smell, and our felt sense to kindle and bring up the sense of kindness and goodwill that we all already have. We all know we've experienced it, but it might get lost through the many stresses in life. It can become a muscle that is not exercised or isn't as readily available. Through this practice, we cultivate the sense of goodwill for others and ourselves so that our heart can be happier. That's why this is called Happy Hour!

By cultivating these practices of metta, good wishes, and warm-heartedness, we support ourselves in more well-being and happiness. There is plenty of research suggesting that these practices lead to more happiness, better health, more social connection, and less loneliness. There are lots of spiritual goodies from the cultivation practice of metta, and it is also a practice that supports mindfulness and leads to more freedom, ease, liberation, Nibbana^[3]—whatever you want to call it, a rose by any other name.

Without further ado, I'd like to invite you to get into your meditation posture.

Guided Meditation

As always, we'll start by spending some time settling in the body with the breath. Landing in the body, landing with the breath. Arriving. Turning our gaze inwards. Feeling, noticing, and becoming aware of the body connecting to the earth through our feet, our legs, the sit bones, and all the contact points.

Really allow your awareness to feel the contact points. Where does your bottom start? Where does it end? Where does the chair or the cushion start and end? Can you feel all the uncountably many contact points between your bottom and the cushion? There are some areas where there is more pressure, and some areas where there is less pressure.

How about the feet or the legs, if you're sitting on the floor? Become gently curious about the contact points. There are so many points of contact between your toes and feet. Some areas have more pressure and more sensation; some areas have less. Allow yourself to feel this underside of your body connected to the earth, grounded and settled. Feel a sense of stability.

Really invite your awareness to inhabit, enjoy, and explore these points of sensation as if you've never experienced them before, because perhaps you've never really turned your attention to them in quite this way. Imagine you're a Martian who has just landed in this body, sensing these contact points for the very first time. Ah, this is what it's like to be human. Sitting sensations. Wow.

Feel the contact points between your hands resting in your lap, or touching each other.

Now let your attention come to your lower abdomen, receiving the breath. Whether it's deep or shallow, long or short. It's not so much that you are breathing; the breath is breathing you. Breathing itself. The breath has been breathing itself all this time without you noticing it, so don't make it into a project. Don't try to control your breath at all. Let it be whatever it is.

All that you do—if there is any doing that you do—is just bring your awareness to what's already happening naturally. Notice, as if the butterfly of awareness is gently sitting on your abdomen. Just noticing the rising and falling, the expansion and contraction. That's all.

If thoughts are arising, it's not a problem. The mind likes to think. How we work with the thoughts really determines how we cultivate wisdom and kindness. So, as thoughts arise, become aware of them as clearly as you can with kindness, without self-judgment. Approach them as if you're seeing an old friend: Oh, hi, old friend. Here you are. Thank you for your visit, but I'm busy right now. Please come back another time. Thank you.

Release this friend from your heart after having greeted them, after seeing them very clearly and acknowledging them with awareness and kindness. Invite yourself back to the breath, to the body. Find this moment of refuge, being breathed. Away from thoughts and worries, just simply being.

I would like to invite you to bring to mind a good friend. A friend with whom you have an uncomplicated relationship. Someone who makes you feel safe and comfortable in their presence. Perhaps a smile shows up on your face when you think of them. Just a sense of care, goodwill, and appreciation for this friend. It could be someone who is in your life right now or someone from your past. Simply choose someone without feeling bad about choosing one friend over another. They are just serving you in this practice to help cultivate your heart; you can always choose another friend later.

This friend could also be family, if you wish, or someone who simply feels like a true friend to you. Maybe a pet feels like a friend—your pet from the present or the past. Or a sibling, or maybe even a parent. It's an aspect of friendliness.

Bring this "good friend" to mind as clearly as possible. With your mind's eye, fill in the details as if they were right in front of you. Conjuring up what they look like, what they feel like. Maybe what they're wearing in this very moment. Seeing them in their element, right in front of you. It's best to imagine this friend in an uncomplicated circumstance—neither too sad nor too happy, but rather neutral. Bring them to mind visually. Maybe hear their voice, the way they speak, their sound.

Notice their felt sense. If you're on hugging terms, imagine what they feel like if you embrace them in your mind's eye. Feel this sense of holding them, appreciating them. Use as many senses as you can to really conjure up their felt sense: visual, auditory, touch, maybe even smell. Give them dimensionality as much as possible.

Notice what comes up in your heart. Feel their presence, be in their presence. Take time to become aware and recognize the shift that might happen for you. It might be very slight, or it could be more pronounced. Maybe a sense of ease shows up in your body, or a sense of gladness. Maybe a smile shows up for you, or a sense of warmth, affection, and care. A sense of appreciation, gladness—whatever it is, know that this feeling is metta. Kindness, loving-kindness, warmth, and goodwill naturally arise when you really connect with this good friend in your mind's eye.

So, bringing up the friend is pillar number one. Connecting with them brings up pillar number two: the felt sense of metta in your heart. Stay with the image of this friend (the first pillar) and notice the felt sense that comes up for you (the second pillar). Just wish them well in your heart. Share your goodwill, your wishes for their well-being.

From the first and second pillars, feeling in your heart and in your body this sense of goodwill, let the phrases of metta flow:

May you be safe. May you be safe from inner and outer harm, dear one. Dear friend, may you be safe.

May you be happy. May you be happy and have joy in your heart, dear one. You can insert their name if you wish. Dear [Name].

May you be healthy. May you be healthy and strong in your body, dear [Name].

And may you have ease. May your life unfold with ease, dear one. Dear [Name].

Saying the phrases and staying in contact with the first pillar—their image, their felt sense—as vividly as you can, gives rise to the second pillar: the feeling of goodwill and warm-heartedness. Then out of the second pillar, let the third pillar of the phrases flow to keep you connected to the thread.

I'll say the phrases one more time in a shorter form:

May you be safe, dear one. Really connecting with the wish for safety. Blessing them with this wish for safety.

May you be happy, dear one.

May you be healthy.

And may your life flow with ease, dear [Name].

All three pillars in this practice support each other and support the deepening of metta.

Many find that using the rhythm of the breath with the phrases can support regularity. Feel free to experiment for yourself.

May you be safe, dear one. May you be happy, dear one. May you be healthy, dear one. May you have ease, dear one.

Conjure up their image as if they were on a video chat with you, on FaceTime with you. See them that clearly, the immediacy of connecting with them.

If your mind wanders, bring their image up again. Dial their number on your video chat, the video chat of your mind, the FaceTime of your mind. Conjure them up clearly. Don't hang up.

Now, I'd like to invite you to allow yourself to be seen through their eyes. Through the eyes of this good friend. Through their affectionate eyes, eyes of care. How they see you. Maybe they respect you, look up to you, cherish you, care for you, love you. Whatever the version might be, let yourself be seen through their eyes. Let yourself receive it.

Be seen with eyes of affection, as if now they're seeing you on FaceTime, chat, or Zoom. They see you. Let yourself be seen with eyes of care. Imagine them saying the metta phrases for you:

May you be safe, dear [Your Name]. Let it land. May I be safe. Thank you.

Imagine them saying: May you be healthy. May you be happy and have joy, dear [Your Name]. Let yourself receive it. The wish for your happiness. Let your heart receive it, someone wishing you to be happy.

Imagine them saying: May you be healthy and strong, dear [Your Name]. Receive the wish. This dear friend wishing you health. Let it land, soak it up.

Imagine them looking at you, wishing you ease: May you have ease. May your life flow with ease, dear [Your Name]. Let this wish land in your heart. May I have ease. May my life flow with ease. Ah, how nice. Thank you.

Receive the good wishes one more time, letting them land. Just receive the goodwill for this being that is you.

May I be safe. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I have ease.

For the last moments of this practice, we are both giving and receiving. Both sharing your goodwill with your dear friend—with your gaze, with your heart—and letting yourself receive it from them. Giving and receiving at the same time. Let your heart feel appreciative and appreciated. Glowing in gladness.

Thank you for your practice, everyone.

Reflections

What we did was spend some time at the beginning, as usual, to settle with the body. We spent a bit more time connecting with the contact points of the body, what is referred to as the earth element. Feeling the contact points of the feet, the legs, the bottom with the cushion or the chair, and receiving the breath. And then we turned to our dear friend, wishing them well and opening to metta. At the very end, we explored having them turn around to wish us well in return.

One thing that was new for tonight was imagining yourself with them on a video chat, on Zoom, or on FaceTime on your phone. Given that we're spending so much time right now communicating in this way, I was hoping that would bring up a greater sense of immediacy and connection with this dear friend. For me, it really ignited a sense of presence for them, because I can't really see them that much these days. Imagining seeing them on my phone was like, "Oh yeah, it's as if they're right here." I can wish them well, and I can see them looking at their phone, looking at me, and wishing me well.

This is something I'd really like to invite you to continue to explore for yourself. Maybe this worked for you, or maybe it didn't, but it seemed to open something up for me as I was guiding you and practicing with you.

We have time maybe for one reflection or two. What came up for you? I'd like to invite folks who usually hold back and haven't shared to speak up first, please, for your reflections, comments, or questions. You can either type them in chat or raise your hand by going to participants, which opens a window, and then you can click on "Raise Hand" and I will ask you to unmute yourself. If you raise your hand physically on camera, I may not see you because I don't see everyone on the screen due to the security setting—we want to make sure your images don't show up on YouTube! That's just the way it's set up.

I would love to hear from you if you want to share what came up, what opened up for you, or maybe what didn't. Especially if you're new to Happy Hour, I would love to hear from you, or if you usually hold back. Your reflections are important. And as I always like to say, there's no such thing as an awkward silence when you're a meditator. It's just silence. We appreciate it, enjoy it, and relax into it.

Thank you, Andy.

Wendy says, "I felt warmth and sincerity in the exchange of metta." Lovely. Thank you for that reflection, Wendy. Beautiful. Warmth and sincerity in the exchange of metta. How nice.

Ken says, "Metta for a dear old friend who died of COVID today." Oh, Ken, I'm so sorry. Thank you for bringing them into the space with metta. The reality of COVID. Dear old friend.

We have time for one more reflection, if you wish to raise your hand or type in chat. I'll open it more widely for those who maybe have shared recently. Opening the circle wider. Okay, opening it to everyone, I have time for one last comment before we go into groups.

Let's see. Jamie says, "I found that my felt sense of my friend was stronger after extending loving-kindness to her, then a much deeper understanding of the challenge she has been facing due to her health." Ah, thank you.

Jeanie has her hand up. I don't see you, Jeanie, but I'll get you. Let's see. Okay, here we go, asking you to unmute. There you go.

Jeanie: Yes? No?

Nikki: A moment of confusion! Okay, all right.

Jeanie: I'm sorry, I was having a hard time unmuting. It was very interesting. I had a bit of trouble, actually. What I wanted to do was have a vision of someone whose eyes I could meet. That took a little bit of exploration for me, to find a person that I could do that with. And then it also took a little bit of time to try to see somebody who could be doing metta for me. It worked, but it didn't come easily.

Nikki: Yeah, but I think continuing the exploration is worth it for sure. That's fantastic. I appreciate you raising that, Jeanie, because what you're raising is not uncommon. It's an exploration. Sometimes we try it and it feels a little clunky, like, "Wait, someone whose eyes I can meet and then they can turn around and wish me well... oh, this person." And that's fine, it's okay. I so appreciate you actually speaking up and sharing that, because I trust that happens for many of us at different times.

What I appreciate in you sharing is the sense of, "Oh, this is a worthwhile exploration." You're saying, "Is this interesting? This is an area that needs to be oiled and greased a little more." It's a little clunky, and the more you explore it, the more you ease into it. That is really the idea of cultivation. That's the idea of metta here. As the Buddha says, whatever we frequently incline our mind toward, that becomes the proclivity of our mind. The first few times it's clunky, and then it will ease up. So thank you for bringing that up and for your spirit of exploration. Lovely, thank you.

I'd love to invite you all now to share with each other intimately in small groups of roughly size three. The invitation is to hold each other as you were holding your dear friend, and to hold yourself as you're holding your dear friend. There's so much wisdom that can come up in these small groups. If you can't stay, it's perfectly fine, but if you want to hop off out of fear of strangers, know that this sangha^[4] is really kind. Really nice. So hang in there and give it a try. I have a feeling you will not be disappointed; you'll feel better after having been held with kindness. And it's pretty short. I'm going to create the rooms, and here we go.

...

Okay, welcome back everyone. Everybody's back, the rooms are closed. Maybe we'll just take one quick reflection. If somebody has a quick reflection to share, please raise your hand or type it in chat. What came up in the groups, or what came up in practice? Kim, please.

Kim: I had a sweet moment during the meditation when it was the point where the metta was going back and forth. I had pretty recently read The Book of Joy^[5], and my friend was my sister. I kind of felt like we were Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama, and some of the descriptions of their friendship and how they touched each other's hands and had so much respect and care for each other. So that was kind of cool.

Nikki: Oh, sweet! Thank you, Kim, for sharing that. That's lovely.

And Bill shares in chat, "Had a very emotional experience. I think it's tied to being able to visualize my friend clearly." Lovely, Bill, delighted to hear that.

Forest says, "I realize my friend's metta has a different quality than my metta, and it was a joy to feel it." Oh, that's lovely.

Neil, if you have a quick one, here we go.

Neil: I just want to say, I really appreciate tonight and Wednesday. I picked two new people, and I appreciate you encouraging us to experiment. I'm going to continue to do that because it really feels different.

Nikki: Nice! Great, yay. Just as you say that, I feel a little spark of joy in my heart. Yay to experimentation and exploring. It's about exploration, this is lovely.

So dear ones, thank you all for your practice, for showing up for yourself, for all beings whose lives you touch. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including ourselves. Thank you.