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Happy Hour: Practice as Service Beyond Self-Preoccupation

Welcome. A warm welcome to all of you for this Friday's edition of Happy Hour.

For today's theme of our practice, I'd like to invite us to consider a merging of a couple of different themes and ideas. One is an antidote. Metta^[1] can serve as an antidote to self-criticism, to self-judgment, to the self-judgmental thoughts coming up: "You're terrible, you're awful, you're a failure, you haven't accomplished anything in your life, you're not going anywhere." Just the most horrible, terrible things that we wouldn't tell anyone, but it just comes up and gets unleashed. It can be very painful. Not for everyone, not all the time, but it can come up now and then. It tends to be more prevalent somehow in the West because we measure ourselves so much according to these external standards that the media holds up—power, money, youth, and beauty—and it can cause a lot of suffering.

You may not identify with this right now, and so you are welcome to file this teaching away for a later use, or there might be some other areas that this can actually be helpful and supportive. Metta, loving-kindness, and practices of the heart in general—there are many ways to really shake ourselves out of this made-up, fabricated prison of comparison and self-judgment. Maybe you have a memory of a moment, or you've had the storm of self-judgments and comparison. One moment you're fine, going about your business, and the next moment it just comes on. Then this fabrication gets created, and sadness, depression, and self-recrimination follow.

How to shake ourselves out of there? There are many practices. One practice I'd like to offer for us to explore is, in a way, taking ourselves out of it. Self-criticism and self-recrimination all have to do with the self: "Me, me, me. I'm terrible, I'm great, I'm awful, I'm fantastic." What if we just take the self out of it in a very healthy way? We can really turn this whole paradigm on its head. One question we can explore is: "How may I be of service? How may this being be of service? How can I serve?"

With that question, the intention is to not see us as wanting: "I want this, I'm not getting that." Instead, it is: "How can this being that is me, with all the personal connections in the world, with all the relationships, with all the skills... how can I show up in a way to serve the world?" It's not about me getting; it's about, "Ah, how can I offer? How can I let my heart, my body, my resources be a gift unto others?"

This can be a radical way to shift ourselves out of this "I'm not good enough, I want this" mindset. It completely changes the frame. Along these lines of "how may I serve," it can be very simple. We're not talking about something grand. It could be grand, right? You could change the direction of your life. But it could also be in very subtle ways. With a person I'm in a relationship with, I can smile, I can say something kind to them, I can serve them. I can call up a friend or someone and say, "How are you doing? Do you need anything? If you're alone, can we hang out this weekend?" Service could show up in very, very small ways. So basically, instead of making it about us, we make it not about us. It's not about me, it's not about you. Make it not about me.

In the same way, I'll share a quote by Marianne Williamson^[2] that has been attributed to so many people, but again, within this perspective of service, of shining our hearts, shining our lights—not from a place of ego, like "I'm great, I'm fantastic," but shining our light from a place of service, of a place of goodness. I'll read this quote, and then we'll start the practice together. You might have heard it before. She says:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

This way of shining our light, shining our goodness, not in a self-centered way, but as a way of serving others, is letting all the gifts that have been given to us be of service. With those as themes for our practice, let's embrace some silence. Let's practice together.

Guided Meditation

I'd like to invite you to get into your meditation posture, whatever might be comfortable for you—sitting, lying down, standing, walking, whatever it might be. The four postures. Since I'm sitting, I'll give the instructions and touch points for sitting. Translate for your own body posture.

Sensing and feeling your feet on the floor. Connecting with the earth. Child of the earth, child of the universe. All of us in our humanity, not different. Feeling your sit bones, your lower legs contacting the cushion or the chair. Letting yourself land. Release, release. Releasing into the contact points with the earth. Letting the breath breathe you, soothe you, settle and calm every muscle of the body.

Inviting your lower body, your feet, your legs, your sit bones to relax. Let go of any tension. So too, your abdomen, the chest, shoulders, neck. Let the arms feel heavy, the hands dropping their weight. Letting the muscles of the face unwind. No need to wear any mask, no smile or anything right now. Releasing, completely releasing. Muscles behind the eyes, behind the jaw, the chin, the forehead. Letting the weight of every muscle in the entire body drop internally. To be released, to be freed.

If thoughts arise, it's not a problem. Inviting the thoughts to settle with the next breath. There's nothing wrong with thinking, but for now, we are calming, inviting the mind to settle. Thinking, thought. Let's settle, come back later. Giving my heart to this practice, to cultivating kindness, goodness right now. Letting each breath fill the heart, fill the body with ease. Settling more and more into this moment, into the gift of this moment.

I'd like to invite you, if you wish, if you're sitting, let yourself sit just a little taller. If you need to adjust, sitting just a little taller. A sense of integrity in your posture. A sense of nobility in this being showing up on this cushion, in this chair, with a role to play, in service, to serve others. For this life to unfold according to your highest values, which from the outside may not be visible, but from the inside you know that cultivating goodness, cultivating kindness, cultivating integrity, cultivating service, compassion, friendliness, brightness, honesty, and so many other beautiful values.

Whatever they might be for you, they are important to you. As if there was a vertical line aligning, upholding, lifting you up. This consideration uplifts you. As if opening your chest, your heart, to shine its goodness into the world. How may I be of service? How may this life be of service to goodness? Not so much about me and mine, what I get, what I don't get, but turning the frame of selfishness on its head. It's not about me. What if it's not about me? Just this moment, trying it on for size. You can always take it all back and make it all about you later, but experiment. Try it on for size for a moment. Cultivating goodness, metta, friendliness in service. In service to what is me and beyond me, larger than me, greater than me, greater than this conception that I have of who I am and my role in the world.

Wishing goodness for all beings everywhere. Cultivating friendliness and goodwill. No matter what their circumstances are, whether they're friends, or whether you have challenges with them, or whether in their own way they're causing harm or their own confusion. Letting there be kindness, goodwill, unconditionally. For the freedom of your own heart, and letting your light shine, your goodness shine in the world and be of service.

And if you notice any judgments arising, any self-judgments as we discussed at the beginning—"I'm not doing this right, I'm not good enough, my mind is distracted"—what if this is not about me or how I am doing? What if we can let go of all of that, taking the self out of the equation? This self-concern: "Me, my mind, how am I perceived?" Just taking it all out. How can this being be of service? How can I serve? It's not about me. It doesn't matter. Feel into that radical shift, even for a split second.

What if this isn't so much about me, this self that I take myself to be, but beyond me? This being is part of the magnificent fabric of humanity beyond my conception. What if it's not just about me in this moment, this cultivation of my heart and goodness? Can I trust to let my goodness shine without fear?

For the last moments of this practice period, if there are any self-criticisms coming up about, "Oh, I was distracted, I'm sleepy," it's not about me. This cultivation is a gift. How can I serve? This is a gift of service, showing up as best as possible in this moment and letting go of the rest. Showing up as well as we can as a gift, the gift of goodness, and letting go of the rest.

May all beings be happy. May all beings be free.

Reflections and Q&A

Thank you everyone. Thank you for your practice. I will change the settings now, and you are welcome to raise your Zoom hand if you'd like to share. You can type in chat. If it's privately to me, I won't say your name; if it's publicly, I'll read your name. I would love to hear how this was for you. Richard, please.

Richard: You can hear me? Yeah, I was recalling the things I have been doing for other people today. I did some substantial good deeds, but I've also done things for myself. I listened to a Dharma talk, I read a chapter in a very good book, I practiced my scales, and I really don't personally see much difference there.

Nikki Mirghafori: Great, beautiful. That's perfect. Because when you're talking about that, I'm not hearing the self-criticism, the self-involvement. The things you're doing for yourself isn't so much about the self—it's just doing the scales, reading, music is a gift. It's as if you're cultivating yourself as this gift. So of course, I don't see any difference either. It's really the attitude, the way of seeing that makes it so. Beautiful, we're on the same page. Thanks, Richard, that's just lovely. Bill, please.

Bill: Hello. I just want to say that I find this theme very compelling. I'm not sure if I can express this right, but this ties into my motives for doing metta in a really strong way, and I'm hoping that we can do more of it in the future. Anyway, that's all I want to say.

Nikki Mirghafori: Oh, that's beautiful. Thank you, Bill. Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm so glad to hear that this is compelling to you, that there's something that speaks to you. I wonder if it's possible to say maybe just one or two more words, Bill, if it's possible? If not, it's okay, but how do you find it compelling? I would love to hear more.

Bill: It speaks to the better angels of my nature. How about that?

Nikki Mirghafori: Beautiful. Beautifully put. Thanks for adding that, that's lovely. Just hearing that, my heart is uplifted. I completely resonate with what you're sharing, like, "Yes, this works for me." So yes, I'll try to remember to bring it more into the future. Thank you for that, and knowing that this resonates with you. This really speaks to the better angels, something wakes up in you where it's like, "Yes, it's not about me." It is and it isn't, you know? Beautiful. Thank you for bringing that into the space.

Forrest says, "Thank you for teaching us this technique. At some point the switch suddenly happened and it really worked." Oh lovely, that sounds fantastic. Thank you for sharing that.

I see Charles Lee's hand up, please. And Forrest, if you want to raise your hand and say a little more, we'd love to hear more from you. Yes, Charles Lee?

Charles Lee: Hi, thank you. What stood out for me was the invitation to sit up taller or straighter or more dignified. It was a signpost for me, but then I started getting interested in the position of my shoulders, my neck, and my chin. Just a very interested, embodied place where I was making small movements—raising my chin, realizing that does make breathing a little bit easier but puts some tension on the back of the neck; dropping the chin a little bit, which tends to balance my head. One of my intentions has really been to work on releasing my shoulders. I feel like I have 40 years of clenched shoulders—or maybe I probably didn't do that as a baby, so maybe 35 years of clenched shoulders to kind of work with. But thank you for the invitation to adjust posture, which I liked.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you, Charles. I'm really appreciating how you really took that invitation and worked with it with a lot of awareness and mindfulness of how these different minor adjustments are having an impact on both your physiology and your perception. Very interesting.

Tamara says, "Greetings from Campbell. That was nice to release the focus from myself, thinking of how I can bring goodness to others. That is a nice idea. I'll be practicing this going forward." Lovely, thank you.

And Forrest says, "I'm doing a self-retreat right now, so a little shy." No problem, Forrest, you can continue to keep your silence, that's great. I'm delighted for you that you're doing a self-retreat. So great!

So, dear ones, let's practice in community. How can we serve each other in small groups? Is it possible for us to show up both for ourselves and for each other, for these beautiful beings who are practicing with us? Can we just show up in silence with them? Maybe we don't even have to talk when our turn comes in the small triad and say, "I'm just here supporting you and offering my presence right now." What if we just show up like that today in the small groups, if you don't feel like talking? And that's okay, people understand, they'll support you. We don't have to say anything, or you can share as little or as much as you like about your practice. Let's show up with that spirit today in the small groups. Maybe a little more silent, just showing up and seeing what happens. And of course, you can speak as you wish.

We'll start with 15 seconds of silent metta for each other in the breakout rooms. Here we go. I've created the rooms and I'm opening them now. Enjoy.

[Breakout rooms occur]

Welcome back, everyone. We have a couple of minutes for any reflection, especially if you haven't spoken for a while. I would like to make space for those who usually pull back first. What did you just discover, especially in group practice? Making space for especially those who don't speak often. I would love to hear what you discovered, what worked, what was challenging, what didn't work.

Given that it's 6:59, let's close. We had a lot of lovely reflections before we went into groups, so we'll close together. Thank you all, thank you so much. Thank you all for showing up. It's both about us and it's above and beyond us. We should show up and cultivate and do this practice as a gift. As a gift of us being alive and breathing in this form, in this universe.

May all beings be happy. May all beings be free. Thank you.