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Happy Hour: Self-Judgment vs. Self-Compassion + Discernment

Hello and welcome to Happy Hour, everyone. I am glad you're here and glad we are practicing together at this time, coming together with our intentions and our goodness to cultivate and support ourselves and each other. The theme for this evening is self-judgment, self-discernment, and self-compassion.

We are all familiar with self-judgment. "Oh darn it, I didn't do this right. Oh, I'm no good. I'm bad. I'm terrible." We hurl various insults at ourselves when we make a mistake, don't perform well, forget something, or don't get something done. "You're lazy. You're not good." You know your flavor; fill in your own versions of self-judgment.

Self-discernment is different, especially self-discernment with self-compassion. Actually, let me bring up self-compassion first. Self-compassion is the best antidote and the best way to meet self-judgment. We often have this wrong perspective that if we self-flagellate and abuse ourselves, we are going to whip ourselves into shape and actually perform better. That is not true.

There is psychological research supporting that people who are more self-compassionate actually take more responsibility. Instead of blaming themselves or blaming others, they take responsibility. Instead of having shame, they have remorse.

Let me say a little bit about that. Shame is not helpful. Shame is when you feel ashamed and really small. This sense of feeling small and inadequate makes you even smaller and more inadequate for taking responsibility and doing what's right, either for yourself or for the benefit of others.

However, what is helpful is remorse. Remorse is skillful. Remorse is helpful to reflect, to have discernment about something that went wrong, and to intend to correct it for your own benefit and the benefit of others. There is a sense of uprightness, clarity, and kindness towards yourself and others that self-judgment doesn't have.

Self-judgment is very painful. It is as if you're taking a dagger and hurting yourself, throwing perfectly good moments after the moments that are already gone. Whereas with self-compassion, self-care, and self-kindness, one has—and this is really important, I want to make this very clear—when there is enough kindness for oneself in the psyche, one can take responsibility and say, "Oh sweetheart, yeah, okay, that was not good. All right, you messed up, and I still love you. You're not bad; we'll do better."

In contrast, if there is no self-compassion, it's like, "Oh, you screwed up. You're terrible. You're awful. You're not worth living. You're not worth it." Ouch, ouch, ouch. One gets smaller and smaller and smaller. Again, I'm exaggerating, but sometimes the way we speak to ourselves is not that different.

When the scenario includes self-compassion, one has the capacity to take responsibility. Research has been done where folks were invited to remember some indiscretion, something that they regretted having done. One group was asked to reflect with self-kindness, and a control group was primed with something else—definitely not compassion or kindness. The group that was primed with kindness and compassion took more responsibility for their actions. They did so without shame, but responsibly, acknowledging, "Yes, this was not appropriate." Instead of pointing the finger at others—which is what the control group did, saying, "Oh, it was their fault. I was okay."—those primed with kindness could actually take responsibility for what they had done wrong. Because it doesn't hurt, it is like, "Okay, it's all right. I'm still okay. I'm still worthy of love, care, and compassion."

This is about separating self-worth from behavior. That is where discernment comes in. Self-discernment becomes available when we have self-compassion. Self-compassion makes self-discernment with mistakes available so we can do better with remorse. Whereas self-judgment just brings out shame, and it is just a downward spiral.

So, I have said plenty. What I'll invite you to do in a minute is to explore self-judgment, self-discernment, and self-compassion—just how they feel in the body. These are not just ideas; well, they are concepts, but really we need to feel them. We need to feel them in the body. Embodiment, embodiment, embodiment. When all else fails, embodiment. Let's begin.

Guided Meditation

Landing in our seats. Arriving here in this moment, in this body. Releasing any tightness or tension in the body. Releasing thoughts. Releasing preoccupations. Taking refuge here, right now, in this moment. Taking refuge in the goodness of your heart, your good intentions, your kindness, and your aspiration for cultivating peace and goodness that has brought you here.

Feeling the bottom of your feet kissing the earth. Earth on earth. Your sit bones contacting the cushion or the chair in lieu of the earth. Earth on earth. Embracing. Releasing your weight, releasing the weight of this body onto the earth.

Allowing the sensations of the breath to be felt and sensed in the abdomen and the lower part of the body, helping to settle the mind and settle the heart. Let awareness hold and meet the entirety of the breath. The entirety of the in-breath, the entirety of the out-breath^[1].

If thoughts arise, it's not a problem. Smilingly release them. "Thank you, thought, please come back later." Giving my heart to this practice right now. Let there be ease. Let there be a sense of connecting, enjoying the breath as it breathes you. Not making breathing into a project, but letting yourself be breathed.

Every time you notice awareness is resting on a thought and you are lost in thought, it's okay. If there is self-judgment—"Ah, here you go again"—let there be compassion. This is what happens to everyone. It's okay. Release. Smilingly, with an easy, light heart, release. Holding yourself with kindness, with the breath. This is what minds do, this thinking. It's okay, it's a part of this practice. Release and reconnect with the breath in the body. Enjoying taking refuge for another few minutes of settling.

Feeling embodied. Feeling the breath, sensing the breath. The entirety of the in-breath and the out-breath, with ease. Calming, soothing, nourishing with each breath.

Now, if you like, I invite you to bring to mind something today or this week that you had some self-judgment about. Maybe not the most challenging or difficult event, but something relatively challenging. Not the top one, but maybe three or four down the list. Bringing this event to mind. Perhaps as I invite you to do this, some contraction arises in the body, the heart, and the mind, manifested and felt in the sensations of the body. First, get a clear description of what it was. Maybe, "Oh, you wasted time today. You had so much to do and you wasted time." Or, "You did this and it was unkind," or whatever it might be.

And now, I'd like to invite you to put it down. Release it. For the purpose of this practice, release and let it go. We'll come back to it in a minute. We just did this to get a sense of the contraction and what it feels like in the heart and mind.

Now let us feel held. Conjure up your compassionate being, one who represents the paragon of compassion, kindness, and complete acceptance for you. It could be someone in your life, maybe a parent or grandparent, or maybe it is the Buddha or Kuan Yin^[2], or any being that signifies compassion and acceptance for you. It might even be your pet that looks at you lovingly, completely, compassionately, and kindly. Maybe you see them as the deity of compassion. Whoever or whatever fulfills this role of this compassionate being for you, conjure them up. Let yourself be held in their kindness, their compassion, and their acceptance. They know you completely. They know your past, your challenges, your good intentions, your trials and tribulations, and your missteps, and they love you all the same. There is nothing you have to do to earn or deserve acceptance. Just because you live, because you are this suffering, beautiful human being, you are held in love. Let yourself be held in this gaze of kindness. Completely held. Let yourself soak it up. Don't get in your own way. Just receive. Relax your body, and like rays of sunshine, let it come through. Being held in kindness and acceptance, just as you are^[3].

Now, as you soak in their kindness, maybe even physically let yourself be held. If it feels appropriate, maybe you're sitting on the lap of the Buddha. "There, there. It's okay. It's okay." Let your heart be open. Stay open to receiving kindness, soothing, healing, and acceptance, just as you are.

And now, bring up this misstep, this challenge you had earlier today or this week that you were judging yourself for earlier. Into the space of compassion, bring it up. Share it. Put it on the lap of this compassionate being in your mind's eye. Let them hold it with you. From their compassionate perspective, pay attention and listen to what comes up in helping and supporting you with it.

Maybe the compassionate being reminds you of some difficulty that you've had which led to this. Maybe they remind you that you are doing your best. If you could have done better in this circumstance, you would have. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

Maybe through their love and care, they support you to feel not shame, but remorse. Wishing it had been different, but it couldn't be. How can it be different in the future? Accepting and loving that it had to be the way it was, or it would have been different. Given all the causes and conditions, it had to be exactly as it was, given what came before.

Let there be discernment awakened in this field of compassion, care, and acceptance. Complete acceptance. A sense of uprightness, empowered compassion for yourself. Feeling yourself held in the compassion, acceptance, and love of the compassionate being. Returning to that as the primary object in awareness. Feeling held. It's okay. It's okay; you're doing your best.

Coming back to the body. Feeling the breath in the abdomen, being breathed. Here, offering your heart and offering your goodness to all beings everywhere, including ourselves. May we offer our best, as much as possible, to ourselves and all beings everywhere. May all beings be free, including ourselves. Thank you all, thank you for your practice.

Reflections and Q&A

One phrase that was coming to my mind is by Suzuki Roshi^[4], which says, "You are perfect as you are, and you could use a little improvement." This points to the wisdom of acceptance, practice, and doing our best. Perfect as you are, and you could use a little improvement.

You are invited to share if you like. What discoveries or aha moments perhaps came up for you in your practice? Maybe challenges? For the benefit of yourself and the benefit of others, sharing a practice report from the field is always helpful. You can type them to me individually and privately, in which case I'll read the reflection, not your name. If it's typed to everyone, I will read your name as well. Or, you can raise your Zoom hand; I will likely not see your physical hand.

"Thank you for the beautiful sitting," says one of you. You are very welcome. Are there any reflections you'd like to share? What was it like? Did it feel different when you brought up this shortcoming alone in the field of self-judgment, and then later in the field of self-compassion? Is there something that shifted? Were there awarenesses, observations, or empowerments that came up? Linda, please.

Linda: I'm nervous about doing this, so I'll try and give myself self-compassion. I had a really hard time imagining anybody who could give me that, who could wrap their arms around me. I didn't ever get that as a kid, so those are my causes and conditions. But I could imagine my dogs looking at me with those loving eyes, and I also could imagine myself doing it. I just kept going back to certain people that I thought should be doing that for me, and it wasn't there. So that was my difficulty.

Nikki: Thank you for sharing that, Linda, I appreciate you bringing it up. Actually, I don't hear that as a difficulty. Let me tell you why. Perhaps there was difficulty in trying to get it from places where you feel like, "You should be doing this," which doesn't work. And yet, what I'm hearing in the beauty of what you shared is that yes, it was available to you—from yourself. Good heavens, that is gorgeous. I usually bring in the compassionate being—the Buddha, Kuan Yin, or a being of light—because often folks have difficulty giving it to themselves, so hallelujah! This is great. And of course, you had your dogs supporting you there too, the compassionate beings that they are. It's always fun to make them into a deity of compassion, you know, your dog looking at you, sitting cross-legged. So yay, thank you so much for sharing that. We have some reflections coming through chat.

"Allowing helped out," sure. "Wanted to show my source of compassion." I'm not sure what that means, Claire.

Steve says, "Combining self-compassion with the practice of seeing sleepiness, distraction, or whatever it is as awesome, as in Monday's discussion, is very helpful." Great, thank you, Steve. Wonderful.

One more reflection came in privately: "It's pretty incredible how it actually feels in the body: the reactivity and pain of the experience, and then the warmth, comfort, and okayness when compassion was present. We don't always need the answers or for the painful experiences to go away. Sometimes holding, accepting, and loving just as is, is enough." Beautifully said. I couldn't have said it better. Thank you. Exactly, noticing the difference; it doesn't have to go away. Compassion can hold it all. Beautiful.

At this point, I'd like to invite us to practice with compassion in small groups. The invitation in the small groups is to only speak from your own experience. You can also be silent; when your turn comes, you can say "pass" and hold compassionate silence for others. Being fully present is perfectly okay—it's a way you offer support to others and to yourself. Speak from your own experience alone, not managing or reflecting on other people's experience. You're welcome to share one brief nugget, then the next person will share a nugget or pass, and then the third person, going round and round. Please treat this as a sacred space, not just going to talk amongst yourselves. Imagine that you are the compassionate being for these other two human beings, and they are the compassionate being for you. Giving and receiving in not an overbearing way, maybe it is just silent.

So this is the invitation for this evening. I will create the rooms in a moment. Let's see if there is anything else I want to add before we start the groups. Maybe we'll go in reverse alphabetical order just for the fun of it. I think that's it. Stay embodied. Stay in your bodies; don't get heady. I think it's important not to get heady, so stay embodied. All right, I'm going to open the rooms. Here we go.

[Break for small groups]

Welcome back, everyone. All the rooms are closed. We have just a couple of minutes if any insights or reflections have come up that you'd like to share for the benefit of yourself and others. Again, you're welcome to raise your Zoom hand or type in the chat. Did any insights come up from practicing in the small groups? Quiet bunch tonight, which is perfectly fine. Dave?

Dave: Yeah, Nikki, thanks. That was a great practice and a great class. I think you structured it really well. I could see clearly that self-judgment is what I do when I compare myself to others—my college classmates and how well they're doing and how poorly I'm doing. I can also see how beating myself up is a way of feeling good about being right about being wrong. It's a strange dynamic. I can tell self-discernment is when I see it with compassion. Because of the way things happened in my past, the causes and conditions, of course it went that way. That really worked well for me. Thank you very much.

Nikki: Beautiful. Thank you so much, Dave, thank you for sharing that. Steve, please.

Steve: It was very nice to end up in a group where the other two people not only knew each other but were related. That seemed quite synchronistic and amazing to me. They said it actually happened once before as well, so that's pretty nice.

Nikki: Nice! The pleasure of being in groups. Related or unrelated, we're all human beings, we're all related, and maybe forming closer relationships. Beautiful. The joy of Sangha^[5]. Vicky, you get the last word, and it needs to be quick. Here we go.

Vicky: Yes, I just wanted to tell Fred and Steve thank you. I hit the wrong button too quick and I left in the middle, and you both were really good partners there.

Nikki: Sweet, an appreciation for a small group! Thanks, Vicky, that's sweet. With that, I thank you all. Thank you for your practice. Thank you for supporting each other, yourselves, and all beings whom you come in contact with through this practice. May we all wake up. May we all serve well. May all beings be awake. Thanks all, be well.