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Guided Meditation: "If only"

Good evening. Welcome. Good evening, and of course, I always have to say this: well, if not good evening, good morning, good afternoon, good day, whenever you are listening to this or watching this.

What a pleasure it is to practice together. So we'll start with a guided meditation.

Just to come into the body, the invitation is to bring our awareness to the experience of being here now. That is, what does it feel like to sit and know that you're sitting? Feeling the pressure of the chair or cushion against the body, or maybe you're sitting on the couch, sitting on the bed. Whatever it might be, just feeling connected, grounded.

And when the mind wanders away, as it will, we just very gently, simply begin again. Noticing the pressure against the body, the places of contact.

And of course, this body is breathing. So we might bring our attention to the sensations of breathing. We don't have to change it, manipulate it, or breathe in any special way. We're just noticing what the experience is. What are these sensations? What does it feel like to have an in-breath? Can we notice the beginning, the middle, and the end of an in-breath?

What about an exhale? How does that feel? What does that feel like?

And if we set the intention to be with the sensations of breathing, of course, we notice that the mind doesn't necessarily stay where we set the intention. So we might do a gentle inquiry. What is it that pulls the mind away?

For example, might there be a quiet idea that says this would be so much better if only... blank. If only the neighbor's dog were quieter. If only the temperature were a little bit cooler or warmer. If only I had a different type of cushion to sit on. If only my knee didn't bother me.

Do we have these ideas, desiring something to be different, something to be changed to make it just right?

Can we just allow it to be how it is, how our experience is, without demanding comfort or ease? But instead, is there a way in which we might find comfort and ease in this moment by putting down, relaxing, and softening this quiet demand that things be different?

Can we allow things to be as they are during this meditation?

Can we do this in a kind-hearted, gentle way? Just noticing if we have this strong wish for things to be different so that we might meditate properly, or something like that. Is there a desire for things to be perfect? It's perfectly natural. Can we allow that desire to be there?

So, being with the sensations of breathing, and noticing what takes us away. And we might notice that we have a desire for things to be different, thinking, "If only this were different, then I could meditate." We're just noticing.

Learning to recognize when we have this feeling of "if only this were different." This persistent feeling that we need something else. We need something else to be able to settle into this moment, to be happy, whatever it might be.

And to be able to notice this natural inclination of the mind without following it all the time. Without succumbing to the seeming authority of it, like, "I can't possibly be mindful while I'm also having this experience, while the refrigerator is running too loud or my back is bothering me," whatever it might be.

As we learn to notice the way that we often have this "if only" thinking, it increases our capacity to recognize: well, is it true? Maybe this isn't ideal, isn't perfect, doesn't match my preferences exactly. But can we be okay with it? And it increases our capacity to be with discomfort, things not being exactly as they are.

And with this increased capacity, we can bring wisdom, the best version of ourselves, to more and more situations instead of collapsing around them, or doing some behavior or saying something that we might regret later just because we're feeling uncomfortable.

A big part of this practice is increasing our capacity to be uncomfortable in this way. Might we bring some wisdom to not only our experiences, but to be able to support other people, maybe in their experiences too? So that our practice can be of benefit not only for ourselves but for those we come in contact with, spreading out to all beings everywhere.

[Music]

Sila and Suffering

Good evening, good evening. Welcome, welcome. A warm welcome to everybody, wherever you are, whomever you are.

A number of years ago, I heard an explanation or a discussion about mindfulness practice that had a big impact on me. I felt like when I heard that, I had a click, like, "Oh, now I understand something." And I've even used this and taught this when I'm teaching mindfulness. And that is this idea that we can use an image of a really slow stream. In fact, maybe we're on a hike and there's a little bit of water we have to cross over, and we're not even sure, is this water moving, or is this just underground spraying or something like this? And then often what you can do, of course, is put a stick in it, and then you can see if there's a little bit of a wake that comes after it, or you can see the water kind of part around the stick. So it's an indicator of, "Oh, yeah, it's moving," and it shows you which direction it's moving. But it wasn't obvious until you put the stick in the middle and held the stick still.

So, in the same way, with mindfulness, like when we choose an object of meditation such as the breath, as we often do, it is not until we choose to have the mind be right on the breath—until it's kind of like putting the stick in—that we notice how often the mind is going off and doing other things. Everything except being mindful of the breath, right?

But we wouldn't have noticed unless we had set the intention, set the anchor of being mindful of the breath. We wouldn't have noticed how our mind is often wandering all over the place, following this and following that, being distracted by this or something like that.

So in this way, we can consider that mindfulness practice is a great way to really learn about ourselves, to learn about what takes us away from the breath. What is so compelling that we can't stay there, and when does it happen? So mindfulness practice is a great way to have some greater understanding.

And in the same way, just like having a breath helps us to become more clear about when we're not on the breath, we can consider ethics as a way for us to notice what's happening when we are considering doing something that might be questionably ethical. Maybe we wouldn't even notice some of these things. We would notice the large ones, but maybe some of the more subtle ones we wouldn't even notice unless we had set the intention to behave ethically. Of course, all of us want to behave ethically. But there might be a way in which, when we set our intention with what are commonly known as the precepts^[1], we start to notice all these little ways in which we might be rationalizing or somehow not really staying with our intention to be ethical.

And I want to talk about ethics a little bit here, not in some moral, heavy-handed way. There are so many different ways we could approach ethics and morality, and the Pali word is sīla^[2]. There are so many different ways, and I could give a whole series of talks on different ways, but one way I would like to look at it tonight is the relationship between sīla and suffering. That is, that sometimes the way in which we are deviating from the ethical precepts is a way to help us understand some of our sources of suffering, either that we're causing for ourselves or maybe that we're causing for others.

But it's a way to understand ourselves. To practice with ethics is an opportunity for some reflection: "Why am I doing what I'm doing, and why do I not want to do this other thing that I don't want to do?"

And I would like to propose that we don't have to use it in a way of judging ourselves, like, "Oh, I'm a bad person because of X, or that person is a bad person because of Y." I would like to say that's not so helpful; it might actually be increasing the suffering. But instead, can we look at our relationship with ethics and the way that we behave as a way to support our wanting to have less suffering in our lives?

So many of us come to meditation practice with this wish to have less suffering, and sometimes there can be a little bit of bewilderment. Like, why is my life not unfolding in a direction that I want it to? Or why do I still have so much suffering and discomfort in my life?

So this can be, dare I say, a tool. Ethics can be a tool that might help us to unpack and understand ourselves better. As I said, there are a number of ways in which we can talk about ethics, both the specifics about it as well as the role it plays in meditation practice, the role it plays in Buddhist practice. But right now I'd like to focus on its relationship with suffering.

We know that the Buddha is concerned with suffering, and I'm using suffering as a generic word to cover this really broad range from a little bit uncomfortable to great harm, terrible harm. So I'm using this generic word to cover this whole range. There is a famous saying that he only taught about suffering and the end of suffering. So we could use that as a lens through which to view ethics. How is this related to suffering and the end of suffering? Because of course, the Buddha also said in the First Noble Truth^[3], there is suffering. All of us have it; it's part of the human condition. But maybe we can look at it or work with it a number of different ways.

So one way that we might look at ethics, or sīla, is through five precepts that are commonly held by lay Buddhist practitioners. Monastics have a whole other set, which I'm not going to talk about, in addition to these five. So the five precepts, perhaps many of you know them: the first is to not kill living beings; the second is to not take that which is not freely given, sometimes translated as "not stealing"; the third is to use our sexuality in a wise way, not to harm with our sexuality; the fourth is to not harm with our speech; and the fifth is not to use intoxicants that lead to heedlessness.

So I'd like to unpack these a little bit, not so much to talk about the precepts themselves—even though I'll say a few words about them—but what can we learn about suffering, kind of using these as a way to investigate suffering?

Maybe something else that perhaps many of you know is that there's the suffering that leads to more suffering, and then there's the suffering that leads to less suffering. So how can we, if we're going to have suffering in our life, have more of the suffering that leads to less suffering? And some people might say of some of the precepts that maybe it's uncomfortable to do some of these things, but it creates the conditions in which our life can unfold in a way that supports well-being, in a way that supports happiness.

So this idea of the suffering that leads to more suffering and the suffering that leads to less suffering—the precepts are such a rich place to explore this.

Can we use our relationship with the precepts as a starting place to look at what's underneath our considering breaking a precept? I'm assuming that none of us are murderers necessarily, or terrible thieves or rapists or some of these things. But maybe some of the more subtle ways in which we might rationalize or bend the rules a little bit with the precepts. Just to notice, as part of our practice, how does it feel before, like when we're considering breaking a precept? How does it feel while we're doing it? How does it feel afterwards? Is it increasing our suffering or is it decreasing our suffering?

And maybe I'll put in there recognizing that part of this suffering is maybe to recognize that it takes time. When we investigate our relationship with the precepts, or when we're about to break them, and we see, "Oh wow, I didn't realize this about myself, and yet here I am still doing this behavior," that of course is a type of suffering. But hopefully, it leads to less suffering.

Okay, the first precept: to not kill living beings. Or sometimes we could expand this to not harm. In fact, we could generalize all five precepts to say not to cause harm. But the first one, we could say not killing, and we can ask: why do people kill?

If we were to think about killing other humans, of course, there's fear perhaps underneath that, or a wish for control, or a wish for power. So if we find ourselves in this murderous rage, maybe there's something in there about this fear, or maybe there's a feeling of being out of control and wanting to gain control or something like this. So is there something for us to explore if we find ourselves with this idea of breaking a precept?

But of course, there's not only other human beings. What about certain pests that we might want to kill to protect our family or protect our resources, for termites, for example? And for us to really explore, well, what is my relationship to killing living beings? If I'm going to use an exterminator with termites, for example, I'm not going to tell you what to do, but just to notice what your thoughts are, what your thinking is. How does it feel? And you know, to use it as a support for practice.

What about with ants and insects? Sometimes it might just be habitual. Maybe we grew up that when there's a mosquito we just slap them and kill them, or flies or something like this. But is there a way in which we might make an effort to keep our living spaces really clean so that ants don't have anything to eat? So when the scouts arrive, those ant scouts, they're not sending back word that there's plenty of food, or water I guess maybe too.

So I don't have the answers to this, but is there a way in which we can explore these precepts and our relationships to them? Not only in our behaviors and activities that we are doing, but also in our meditation. Maybe we might notice that when there's some discomfort in the body, we might have this feeling like we'll do anything to make this go away. This feeling like, I don't know, a little bit of feeling out of control, like "just make it stop." Just noticing if that comes up. And is there a way that we can hold our discomfort so that we don't tip into insisting that things be different? Can we stay with that discomfort? Can we allow that discomfort to be there? Of course honoring our body, honoring our limitations, being wise, not harming ourselves, but is there a way also in meditation that we might explore some of the discomfort that might support our wanting to harm or kill others? And can we increase our capacity to be with that discomfort?

What about this second precept: not taking that which is not freely offered.

So we might notice, probably we're not thieves of big obvious things. But maybe we take things from the office. Maybe when we visit people's houses we, I don't know, maybe we take shampoo or something like this even though it's not really freely offered. Or maybe we take people's time. They're busy and we feel like we really have to tell them something, or we want them to advise us and they don't really have time then. All these different ways in which we might take things that are not freely offered. And do we rationalize it: "Oh, they won't notice," "Oh, they have so much money they can totally afford it, I can't afford it"?

Or is there a way in which we're a little bit numb to ourselves and we're not feeling: what does it feel like to take things that are not freely offered? Is there also maybe a sense of self-righteousness, or "I'm so important it doesn't matter, I'm just going to take what I want, everybody else doesn't matter so much"? Is there a little bit of self-righteousness that's in there?

Again, we're looking at this not so that we can judge ourselves, but just as an exploration of where there is suffering. And if we're taking from others and it's not really freely offered, I would like to suggest there's some suffering there. Either there's some suffering because our desire is so strong that we feel compelled that we have to take things in order to be happy, or maybe it's just that we're not sensitive to the boundaries of what's ours and what's others'. And that not being sensitive to boundaries can create suffering in so many other ways in our life, if not by taking things.

Or maybe we have a strong sense of lack: "I don't have enough, I don't have enough, I need more, I need more, I need more. I need this and this and this and this and this." And it doesn't matter whether it's offered or not, "I need it." So that's another way in which there might be an exploration around this precept to not take that which is not freely offered, which is a little bit more strict than just not stealing. But that which isn't freely offered, and whenever we're tempted to or we do, just to have this reflection: what can we learn about ourselves?

And in meditation, we can notice that if we have this feeling, like, "Oh, I need this in order to meditate properly, I need that," or this feeling that things have to be different—"I need more," or things to somehow be other than they are—it is something we can explore in meditation. And that might be something that might be supporting our wanting to break a precept.

The third precept about being wise with our sexuality.

So the precept assumes that sex is between consenting adults, but we'll just lay that as a—I think that hopefully goes without us saying. And when it's explained in the suttas^[4], it's really about honoring commitments and honoring vows and protections that are in place for people.

And if we find ourselves wanting to break a precept, break a commitment, a vow, what's underneath that? Like, what's supporting, fueling that? Maybe there's a sense of loneliness that we're trying to fill. Maybe we don't feel connected to others and we're trying to have sex inappropriately with inappropriate partners just because it's outside of a commitment, or it's causing somebody to break a commitment about either yourself or your partner.

Is there a sense of loneliness, or maybe we need some reassurance of our attractiveness or worthiness, or something like this?

And many of us want to live a life of love, but are we using our sexual energy in a way that promotes that, that allows that to happen? Or if we're having a lot of casual sex with consenting adults, of course, then we can just ask ourselves, how does that support our meditation practice or our life?

So in this way we can, as I've been saying, use the precepts as a way to help us reflect on our behavior and the decisions that we're making. Again, not in a way that we have to say, "I'm a bad person, I'm a bad Buddhist," but as a support for practice. What can we learn about ourselves? Might we find a way in which there could be less suffering with this reflection?

And then the fourth precept, to not use false speech. So not to lie. But maybe we could expand that to Right Speech^[5]. As many of you know, it includes not only that what we're saying should be true, but it should be kind, it should be timely, and it should be beneficial—to be helpful for others.

So we could have this reflection: why do we shade the truth? Even if it's just a little white lie. Is it because we want to be liked? Is it because we want to get our way? Maybe we don't feel like we can speak directly, so we're manipulating people to believe something so that they'll behave in some particular way. Or are we trying to hide something that we're ashamed of?

I'll say it maybe for me, that very early in my practice I took on this precept of not speaking falsely, you know, always telling the truth. And I really learned that, oh yeah, those times when I wanted to tell little white lies or shade the truth or omit things, it was because there were things that I was ashamed of. I didn't want people to know, I was embarrassed. Maybe ashamed is too strong a word, I was embarrassed. Telling little white lies: "I'm late because the traffic was so bad," but no, I was late just because I was disorganized and didn't leave the house on time, or I couldn't figure out what to wear, or you know, something like this.

And once I had that insight and I said, "No, no, if I want to have this commitment to speaking the truth," it turned out to be a relief to kind of change my behavior so I didn't have to be embarrassed about it anymore. And just the quality of my life went way up in a way that I would have never imagined, just from this little wish to look at why am I telling little white lies here and there.

And that's partly my motivation for this dharma talk too. It is just this encouragement that when we start to look at them, if we pull one little thread, we might discover all kinds of ways in which suffering was being created. And pulling a thread helps us to have some greater understanding in which there can be less suffering.

And then maybe I will also say that it's not in the Buddhist teachings, but also with speech, I'll just put in something about the importance of listening too. We might ask ourselves, why am I not listening sometimes? Why do I not give my attention to others? Why do I find myself looking at my phone instead of listening to people? That could also be a rich reflection.

Then the last one is to not use intoxicants that can lead to heedlessness. So there are obvious intoxicants like alcohol and drugs, but there's lots of other ones that we use to check out or numb out or push aside. We might use food, shopping, surfing the internet, watching YouTube videos, or work as a way to no longer be present for our experience.

So none of these things are inherently bad or harmful, but we might use our wish to do them as an opportunity to reflect on: is there something we're trying to avoid? Is there a reason why we don't want to be present for what's happening? Especially with the recognition to not use intoxicants that lead to heedlessness. The heedlessness is because we are much more apt to break all the other precepts if we break this one. So, do we no longer feel burdened by wanting to behave in an ethical way? Do we feel oppressed by it, and there's a way that we want to do intoxicants so that we can just behave freely without any feeling of what might be leading to suffering or causing suffering, or maybe something that doesn't cause suffering?

So that's just one way in which we might approach ethics: the relationship between sīla and suffering, and self-reflection. Three S's: Sīla, suffering, and self-reflection. Sīla is a way that maybe we can put a stake in the ground. If we have this intention to behave in an ethical way, we can use it to notice when do we not want to, when do we not do it. And what can we learn from that? Might we not only gain greater understanding, but what can we learn about suffering? What can we learn about what helps us to have greater ease and happiness in our life, and what doesn't, in this way? So that our lives may unfold in a way that brings greater and greater ease and happiness, not only to ourselves but to those around us.

Just imagine what this world would be like if all of us kept at least one precept all the time. We could be a model for others, or an inspiration for others.

So, may your practice unfold in a way that brings greater and greater ease and less suffering. And may we use ethics not as a way to beat ourselves up, to judge ourselves, but as an opportunity to learn more. Thank you.