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Happy Hour: Metta for Oneself Supports Giving of Oneself

Introduction

Hello and welcome, everyone. Welcome to Happy Hour. It's lovely to be with you, to practice together with our dear sangha^[1].

For today's practice, the theme I'd like to offer for us to consider is how taking care of ourselves—modulating how much we engage and how much energy we pour out—is an act of metta^[2]. It involves bringing a sense of care and awareness to our own energy and engagement. How tired are we? Are we pushing ourselves? Are we out of resources? Having that level of awareness and caring for ourselves is an act of metta. Not only is this care an act of metta for ourselves, but it's also a way of sustaining ourselves so that we can care for others and care for the world.

Consider that we are entrusted to care for this being who is "me" as if they were our own child. If you have children, they eventually grow up and care for themselves. But you are the only one who cares for this being, this body, in all ways. Bring in mindfulness: What does this body need? What does this heart need? What does this mind need? In a way, it is bringing awareness together with metta for oneself.

When we care for ourselves, we can be more available to take care of others. We avoid becoming resentful, thinking, "I've given you everything I've got, and now you ask for more." Instead, we can say, "It's okay, I've actually been monitoring what I have, how much I can give, and how much I need to care for myself." A discernment can arise that supports us in not falling into resentment, over-giving, or under-giving.

Awareness, together with metta for ourselves, is the basic theme of our practice tonight. It might be a quieter night because it's nice to tune in, see what's needed, and pay attention. So, let's practice together.

Guided Meditation

Let's land. Let's land in our bodies. Let's arrive fully.

Letting the breath be soothing, calming, nourishing. All that is needed is just the breath in the body. Receiving each breath in the abdomen. Letting it be nourishing, soothing, like a lullaby. Simple, very simple. Receiving is an act of care.

And as the breath is received in the abdomen with care, with awareness, settling... let the body settle into receiving care. Feeling cared for.

Letting there be the settling of the body, settling of the heart. Whatever is present is okay. It can be here, just as it is. If there are thoughts or entanglements, it's okay. Can we bow to them and let them go? Can we bow to them and let them go for right now? They can come back later.

Dropping in the question with awareness to your heart, to your body, to your mind: What do you need in this moment? What is needed in this moment? What is your level of energy, fatigue, anxiety, whatever is present, resources? As if you're reading the meter, what is needed right now?

Let yourself know in your body, not in your head, what is needed. Let it be known, sensed in your heart.

Know that this questioning, this knowing, is an act of care. If you're asking yourself, "How are you, dear? How are things?"—it's an act of care to ask. You want to know.

And whatever arises is the answer. What is needed here? Can you open to it with care, with love, with kindness? As if this body, this heart, this you, is as tender as a newborn needing support, care, holding, nursing, rocking... this being that is yourself.

If it feels okay in your mind's eye, perhaps you are seeing a younger version of yourself, a baby being held and rocked. A newborn, vulnerable, completely open. If it feels appropriate in your heart to feel, "I care for you, I love you, I will protect you," or whatever words or feelings are appropriate. It's friendliness, metta for yourself.

This baby doesn't have to do anything right or perfect to deserve or earn this love. Just because they are this tender miracle of life, to be protected, to be appreciated, to be tended with metta.

If it feels appropriate, you can stay with this image of a younger version of yourself, a baby being held and rocked. It's nourishing and supporting. Or, if you like, you can sense this being who is you now in this body, and drop in the reflection: In what ways have you given too much or exhausted yourself? In what ways can you be more mindful of your resources, with care for yourself? How can I care for myself better? How can I care for this body, this heart, this mind? Let yourself just drop in the questions. It's not a heady thing; don't start thinking about it. Let yourself breathe the question. Live the question.

In what ways am I not exactly skillful, pushing and exhausting, so that I don't care for myself with metta? And then wisdom does not arise. Maybe unskillfulness arises. I get resentful, tired, angry, drained, haggard. How can I care? How can I love and care for this being who is me in this moment and in general? Just loving, being kind.

And if metta phrases are supportive, you're welcome to say them silently: May I be safe, happy, healthy, and have ease.

As we bring this practice period to a close together, trusting that caring for ourselves—filling our own cup—is the first step of being more skillfully available to care for others in the world. Now offering our goodness, offering our care, our cultivation, our metta to all beings everywhere. May all beings everywhere be safe, happy, healthy, and have ease. May all beings be free, including ourselves.

Reflections and Q&A

Thank you all for your practice, dear sangha, coming together and supporting each other. We have a few minutes if there are any reflections you'd like to share. You can raise your Zoom hand or type in the chat.

Jerry: I haven't been in the sangha a lot in the last few months, but it came to me that maybe I need more work on self-compassion. I thought of myself as a small child, which was a nice place to be. We've all had a difficult couple of years collectively in the world, and it doesn't seem to be getting easier. I thought to myself, "I need a brief weekend vacation from it all." I considered going to a place I've visited before COVID, which involves taking a five-hour flight to an island. But then I thought, "Oh, I should really save that money for renovations on the house. I'm being selfish. I'm giving myself a trip when maybe I shouldn't." I ended up in a bit of a mess with all that papañca^[3].

Nikki Mirghafori: Oh, Jerry, how human. What you just described is so human. You recognize, "I'm tired, I need to have more self-compassion. A trip would be great." And then the papañca starts: "Oh no, I'm practicing here, I'm in the middle of a meditation, oh my god." Dear human being, part of this collective humanity—it's so human. Have self-compassion for yourself as you experience this papañca, this proliferation of thoughts. Start here, with a moment of just resting. Thank you for sharing the humanity of it; we go through so much of that every day, every moment.

Mary: I would like to go on from what Jerry said. Can you say more about what papañca is? I've never heard that word before, and I'm always in it.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yes! It is one of these wonderful Pali^[4] words. Pali is the vernacular language the Buddha taught in. The word papañca actually kind of sounds like what it is—a burst of activity in the mind. You're sitting, you're meditating, and you think, "Oh, I'm so calm, this calm is so sweet. I remember that lake I sat next to, that was great. Maybe I should buy a houseboat and go boating. But houseboats are exposed..." It's just one thing after another. You get stuck in this proliferation of thought and emotion, being tossed around with past, future, and planning. You're just gone. Papañca is conceptual proliferation.

It's a great word to have in your vocabulary so that when it comes up, you don't say, "Bad meditator!" You can say, "Oh sweetheart, papañca. It's part of the human condition." Pat on YouTube says papañca sounds like "popcorn mind." Yes, but not very yummy—it's kind of stuck, burnt popcorn mind. [Laughter]

Radha: This is a really timely topic for me. In the beginning, you said something about under-giving and over-giving. I feel like I've worked a lot more on the over-giving side of things. I was reflecting on giving from a place of being embodied, in touch with how much resource we actually have to give, without attachment to the outcome.

On the under-giving side, I have a specific situation with a family member who has been sick for a really long time. Recently, having been through my own healing journey and coming to terms with how that has impacted my health, I am really aware of over-giving. I think sometimes there's actually a tendency to under-give in a sense of disengaging because of the fear of the situation and everything it brings up. I was wondering if you could speak a little bit about that.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you, Radha. I actually hear a lot of awareness and wisdom that you already have about the conditions of over-giving and under-giving in your case. It is so hard to be a caregiver. It is crucial to be resourced; otherwise, it can easily lead to burnout, resentment, and disengagement. You really have to care for yourself. Take time for yourself, ask for support, and figure out what this heart, body, and mind need. Does it need eating, sleep, exercise, a walk, or a movie?

Take care so that you can be available to give with joy, not as a grim duty. Ensure there is enough tea in your own cup. Being a caregiver is inherently challenging, and you have to be extra aware. Bring a lot of awareness to the body: "What's happening right now? Am I leaning in too much, or am I leaning out?" Don't beat yourself up, but check in gently. "Sweetheart, are you okay? Are you disengaging because it's too much for you?" When you care for yourself, you are caring for the relationship and the other person as well.

Small Groups

Dear ones, the time has come to turn to each other in small groups. As we engage in groups of two, three, or four, first and foremost, be kind to yourself and to the other people in the group.

Consider just offering one brief nugget. It's not appropriate to go on a long monologue that takes the entire time and shares your whole life history. Even though that might be tempting and cathartic for you, it may not be appropriate for others. Please be wise and kind. Share kindness for the benefit of others. One person says a short nugget, the next person shares theirs, and it goes around.

If anyone at any point wants to say, "I pass, I just want to be silent and hold presence," that is perfectly fine. Small groups are an opportunity to be kind. The invitation is to go in alphabetical order by your first name. Share just a one-minute nugget or shorter. I cannot emphasize it enough: be kind. I'll open the rooms now.

Dedication of Merit

Thank you all for your practice. I'm sorry the breakout sessions were shorter tonight; we had so many wonderful questions and went a little over time with the reflections, which is always lovely.

Let's dedicate the merit of our practice. Trusting that there is cultivated goodness arising from our hearts for the benefit of ourselves and all beings everywhere. May it be a cause and condition for the gladness and freedom of all beings everywhere, including ourselves. May all beings be well. May all beings be free. Thanks everyone for your practice.