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Happy Hour: Beautiful Attention

Okay, great. Hello and welcome to all of you, wherever you are zooming in from all over the place. I missed Susan from Santa Cruz. Thank you. Yes, hello to all of you wherever you are zooming in from, YouTubing from, or listening to this on AudioDharma later. So lovely to be with you.

For today's practice, this is inspired by a talk I was listening to by my friend Catherine McGee, who teaches in England. The title of the talk was something like, "Your Attention Can Be Beautiful." That's been swinging in my mind. Of course, I'll offer my own version of that related to Happy Hour and the practice of the heart.

Consider that you're always paying attention. You are always paying attention somehow to something, and we're often focusing on the object. Actually, most of the time we're not even aware that we're paying attention because it feels as if we are on autopilot. We just do things, and our attention wanders from one object to another to another. So there isn't even a sense of awareness that we're paying attention.

But often, we might be aware that we are paying attention, and we might only be aware of the object we're paying attention to. Say if you are on the computer sending an email, you're paying attention to the email you're sending. Or right now, maybe you're paying attention to the sound of my voice, or maybe to the sensations in your body, or to the colors on the screen, etc.

Now, just as important as to what we're paying attention to is how we are paying attention. What is the quality? Is our attention tight? Are we tightening the body, trying to bear down, say, on the breath in order to get concentrated? Yes, perfectly good intention, beautiful intention to settle the mind, etc. And yet, how are we engaging? What is the quality of the attention? Is it tight? Is it way too lax? Is it just wandering from one object to the next?

What is the quality that attention is imbued in? Is it judgmental? Is it grabbing? Is it grasping? Is it perhaps pushing away the object it's aware of? So, becoming aware, paying attention to how we are paying attention. And as relevant for our cultivation here in Happy Hour is noticing, or perhaps seeding or cultivating, whether the quality of our attention is imbued with friendliness, with openness, with a gentle, kind curiosity. This is this mettā^[1] that can infuse this friendliness, this non-judgmental stance that awareness can be imbued in. How are we paying attention? How are we meeting the breath? How is the attention meeting the body? How is the attention meeting thoughts that are arising?

Perhaps one distinction that I was thinking earlier about, a cartoon that could be made with two images of a meditator who's a beginner and just started to meditate, and one who's an experienced practitioner. On one side, the inexperienced, the new practitioner meditator, the thought bubble is, "Oh darn it, I was thinking. Oh, I was thinking again. This is terrible. I can't do this thing. I can't do this meditation thing. I'm a failure, I'm a loser. My mind keeps wandering. I must be defective. Everybody else can just be clear and spacious, and I keep thinking." Okay, that's on the right-hand side.

On the left-hand side, the thought bubble of the experienced practitioner says, "Ah, thinking is arising. Thinking is arising, or thinking has arisen. It's just like that."

So how are we paying attention? How are we aware of the thoughts that are coming up? Is it with a sense of unfriendliness? "Oh, I'm a failure, thoughts go away." Or is it just like, "Oh, interesting, thinking has arisen, or is arising"? Just the sense of openness, spaciousness, this friendliness of mettā where things can arise and pass without becoming sticky.

So in the practice today, I've said plenty to frame our practice, inviting us with mettā, with kindness, with ease, to become aware of how we are paying attention. And in that way, may our attention become beautiful. May our attention become filled with this ease of spaciousness, this freeing quality of the heart and mind itself.

Guided Meditation

Let's begin. Let's settle into our bodies, into our breath, and inviting our attention to release, to let go ever so gently of thoughts, of preoccupations, and to turn inward. Turn inward towards the body. This whole body sitting and breathing.

And from the outset, noticing if the attention is tight, if the body is tight, if there is a sense of bearing down. Or can there be a sense of spaciousness? Attention, awareness, like a comfortable bed that we rest on. Like the air that can infuse, like the breath that goes through the body, is breathed in on its own, gently.

And not getting too self-conscious at this point about, "Wait, how am I paying attention?" Just let go. Let go. We can turn our awareness or attention just to let it be. Let it be just as it is, receiving whatever is arising in this sphere of awareness in this moment.

Letting each breath be received in the lower body and the abdomen. Attention, awareness connecting intimately, not tightly, but intimately. As if attention is the water the breath is swimming in. As if the breath was a swimmer swimming, coming in contact with awareness. The entire body of the swimmer immersed in water. The entire body of the breath, beginning, middle, and end, immersed, touched gently, soothed, caressed by awareness.

And if and when thoughts arise, notice: thoughts are arising, thoughts have arisen. And notice the quality with which thinking is being noted. Is the knowing, the quality of knowing, spacious, friendly? Or is it aversive? Is it like a generous host—"Ah, this is what's present right now," where visitors come and go? Or is the quality imbued with resistance, calling them distractions?

And notice how the attitude of the kind, generous host could be one of, "Oh hello visitor, thank you, and this is not the best time to visit." See how that can be very spacious and easy, lovingly firm? "Please come back another time, thank you." No trace of ill will. The heart, the mind, the mind-heart, the citta^[2], kind, generous, as wide as the world.

We're always paying attention. How are we paying attention? Can awareness, attention, be imbued with friendliness, with mettā? These beautiful qualities of the heart and mind.

And now, what if the sense of the self, self as the center of the world, as the constant frame of reference—what if that was loosened with this quality of mettā? It can be more easily accessible when there isn't so much "me" and "mine," my self-interest, what I like or dislike. "What does this say about me?" What if that was dropped?

What are we attending to, and how are we attending? Can we notice tension and its quality with mettā?

And now, can we expand? Instead of just being internal with our awareness, can we turn awareness to be external, as if aware of other beings around us, with us, in space and time? Awareness turned external to humans, non-humans, plants, etc., the air, the earth. And can there be a sense of benevolence, kindness, mettā-infused, with attention turned outward? Any object it comes in contact with, a sense of friendliness.

Can attention turning external, and now internal, both external and internal, whatever objects of the mind, thought, internal, external it comes in contact with, be infused with goodwill, friendliness, and mettā?

Even if what we meet internally, externally, is challenging, can the stance of awareness be a friendly one, curious, open, patient?

And for the last moments of this practice, as we come to an end and we gather ourselves up, perhaps an evaluation, attention to evaluation comes up. Can we see, can we attend to this evaluation, if it's coming up, with kindness? It's not judgment, but friendliness. No matter how challenged or challenging, sleepy, distracted this period of practice was, bringing appreciation that we showed up. We showed up as best as we were able to. And appreciating with friendliness and love.

"Thank you, me. Thanks for showing up as best as you're able to, planting seeds." That's the best we can hope for and do, moment by moment. Thanking yourself for showing up for yourself and all beings whose lives you touch.

Thanks everyone. Thank you for your practice.

Reflections and Q&A

So we have a few minutes if you'd like to share your reflections, what you noticed, what came up for you. You're welcome to raise your Zoom hand or you can type it in chat, either to me privately, in which case I wouldn't say your name, or to everyone, in which case I'll say your name.

So what did you notice? Any insights or any questions? As I wait for you, I'll share that noticing how we're paying attention, turning awareness on awareness to quality... when we see that, it can free something. Something can let go, something can release, and more kindness, more ease, more spaciousness, more mettā can come in through that process. Did many of you have an experience of that, even for a split second?

Yes, Mary, please.

Mary: Hi, thank you. So I was very, I was anxious, and my breath was anxious. And then when you said, "Can you let go of the self?" I took my breath away, I was like gasping for breath. And then, I mean, it brings tears. I was so grateful to let go of that busy, anxious self. Thank you.

Nikki: Thank you, Mary. Thank you so much for sharing that. Profound, right? Profound that that is possible. That is possible, and it can happen just like that by inclining, by turning the attention, the self dropping away. So much space there can be beautiful. All your doing, yay! Or all your non-doing. Thanks for sharing that, Mary. Beautiful.

Any other reflections, observations, questions, complaints?

I'll ask you a question with the invitation to internal, external—turning awareness internal, external. Did you notice a shift there? Is there something on the inside, perhaps something that came up, or different aspects? Or, as Mary talked about, the self dropping away? Or noticing thoughts arising, the stance of friendliness arising and passing with the thoughts, the gracious host? Was there anything particularly challenging, that was confusing instruction that would be helpful to unpack?

So, how about we turn to practice in small groups, in sangha^[3], and there as you share and you listen to others, I think different reflections might come up. There's so much to learn from each other. So the invitation is let's start with 30 seconds of silent mettā for each other, and then whatever reflections you'd like to share with each other about the practice. So I'm going to open the rooms, here we go. Enjoy meeting and practicing together.

[Break for small group practice]

Okay, welcome back everyone. The rooms are closed. So what did you discover discussing in community sangha practice? I'd love to hear something you've noticed. Please don't be shy, especially if you don't tend to speak in a group. Trusting that your observations, your insights, your questions, your confusion is valuable to offer if you wish.

Michael: Hi, it's Michael. It was super sweet, and there were four of us, and we kind of ran out of time, meaning there was not enough time for the shares. And I hope the woman who wanted to share something, but she said she thought it would take four minutes, will share whatever she's gonna share because I'm interested. Deep bows to you all.

Nikki: Thank you, Michael. I second your invitation if that person is comfortable. Diana, are you raising your hand or giving a thumbs up?

Diana: So I'm the one.

Nikki: Oh, great.

Diana: And I'll try to be fast. But I was at dinner tonight with a friend. I'm three hours ahead of you, so it's almost 10 o'clock. I wasn't feeling it, but I practiced loving-kindness anyway. I was in the previous retreat, the one before, and I did it anyway. I was really blah and negative, and then I was eating mindfully at dinner, or attempting to, and every now and then I would take really serious breaths and just be with myself, although I was listening.

Both the internal and external came into play. I was very much with them and settled within myself, and very much feeling her without boundaries, and that was our dinner. It wasn't a perfect dinner. But then, as we were walking back, something so struck me, and it just came to me. I totally understood her profound fear she had this past year of the coronavirus, which I had been putting down. She had always been this way, and I'm not, and we live in a city where it kind of gripped us, and I finally felt into something for the first time.

And then also, during the course of dinner, I got a really clear sadness about something. So I processed that sadness is here. I mean, I sound like this is dinner tonight! My sadness is here, and I started to breathe again, and I didn't analyze it, I just said, "What is this?" I went through that while she's talking. So by the time I got home tonight and set up everything, I thought, "What just happened?" So all these various experiences of mettā, self-compassion, just started playing. That's my story. It was like this record of things playing one to another.

Nikki: Nice. Thank you. Thanks, Diana. Thanks for sharing. I'm so appreciating what you shared. I'll reflect a couple of things back. As you were in the retreat, the Mettā and Wisdom retreat a couple of weeks ago, you're saying you've been practicing, and this is what I always tell practitioners on retreats: that your retreat isn't finished, it's going to keep doing you. And that's what I'm hearing. Your dinner with this friend, there's this sense of internal, external, and the heart opening up to their fear, to their worry, like feeling into it, really connecting with it.

The retreat is continuing, it is doing you in so many ways, internally, externally, with a sense of openness, kindness, and compassion. Internal, external, being in your experience, opening up to sadness and conversations that are pushing it away. It's all here, it can all be included. Lovely. Thank you for sharing that. It's beautiful, a beautiful detailed observation of how practice can unfold.

Diana: No great miracle during the retreat or afterwards, it's just these things coming along, almost out of nowhere, not planned, although I'm practicing.

Nikki: You planted seeds, Diana. You planted seeds and now the seeds are bearing fruit. Thank you. So, any last quick reflections about this paying attention, the quality of paying attention, knowing how we're paying attention? We're always paying attention.

All right, so I'll let that be. I will close the evening as I don't see any takers or any reflections in chat...

Michael: As you can see, it's Michael. I do have a question.

Nikki: Yeah, sure.

Michael: Your teacher friend in England, is she... [Theravada?]^[4] style?

Nikki: No, no, no, no.

Michael: Okay. You mean no?

Nikki: Yeah, no.

Michael: What flavor is she?

Nikki: Oh gosh. Lots of deep different practices. You look her up, yeah. I can't summarize, I can't do her justice.

Michael: I will. Deep bows, thank you.

Nikki: Thank you, Michael. So thank you all. Thank you all for showing up, for practicing, for planting seeds for your own sake and the sake of all beings everywhere. We do this practice for all beings seen, unseen, past, present, future. This mysterious nature of our lives. So thank you for inclining your hearts and minds to kindness. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including ourselves. Thank you.