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Happy Hour: Self-Compassion

So for the theme for tonight's happy hour, I would like to invite us in the guided meditation tonight and reflection is the theme of self-compassion, self-care. A theme that's dear to my heart. All these practices are dear to my heart, but there's something very nurturing, soothing, and supportive, especially in this challenging time, for us to hold ourselves with care. To let this holding of care of ourselves be a stepping stone and offering. The way we hold ourselves with care, with love, with compassion, it can be an offering not just to ourselves, but an offering to the world. Because when our own cup is full with our own care, our own compassion, our own love, our own support, we feel less needy, at least emotionally, from others. We can actually be more resourced. We can be more full, our hearts are more full, to offer care, to offer compassion, to offer support to others.

So filling our own cup first without any guilt, without feeling that it's selfish. Not at all. It's a way to support ourselves so that we can not just be supportive, but support others. So there's a beautiful altruistic way to see the practice of self-mettā^[1], self-compassion. It's not just an offering to us really, it's an offering to the world.

Having said that, it's a practice that sometimes can be a little challenging in the West. Some thoughts that might come up are, Who am I? Who am I to deserve compassion, love? I should take care of other people first. If those thoughts come up, please offer this thought from the Buddha, that he said that if you look everywhere in the world, if you search everywhere in the world, you won't find anyone more worthy of your own love and your own care.

So taking trust in that, that there's something wholesome and beautiful in caring for ourselves. It's supporting ourselves. As well as this offering that it is not just internal, but it can flourish as a flower for people in our lives when we are more cared for. The same way that, you know, if you have taken care of yourself, if you've had enough sleep, you're more available, you're more kind, you're more generous. You're less likely to fly off the handle when people in your life do something. You're more available for them. So the practice of self-compassion can serve in this same way, not just soothing ourselves, but allow us to be more available for people that we care about because there's a sense of soothing and stability that can be built.

Another thing to say briefly before we start the guided meditation is that sometimes it can also feel challenging to jumpstart this practice. For many of us, we have a lot more practice caring for others than to care for ourselves. So in the guided meditation, I will use some skillful means to gently support us in the way of inviting holding ourselves with care.

And the last thing to say is everyone is worthy, deserving of care and compassion. This is a hard time that we're going through, all of us. And relatively, maybe the conditions in your life are such that you feel grateful, you feel happy, or maybe there are things that are happening that are really, really challenging for you right now. Wherever you are in that spectrum, we're all in this unprecedented time when each and every one of us is going through some version of a challenge. It's not business as usual. It's not life as usual. So whatever part of you that is feeling challenged, whether it's physically, emotionally, it's a sense of care for others, for yourself, for your livelihood, those can be areas to bring the soothing support of self-care, compassion.

Guided Meditation

So with that as the prologue, as the setup, let's start meditating together. I'd like to invite you to get into a meditation posture that is comfortable for you. If you need to move right now, if you need to move from a chair to a cushion or vice versa, whatever you need to be comfortable. Letting yourself land. Letting yourself land in your seat, and just starting with a few breaths. Letting the breath breathe. Is the breathing itself simply noticing that the breath is being breathed?

Then allowing a few deep, maybe three deep diaphragmatic breaths in your abdomen, holding them for a second, and then letting it out with a sound, with a sigh. Just really land in this body. Another one, with each out-breath really landing, really landing in the present moment, in this body. The third one.

Now letting the breath be natural, whatever it is. Letting the in-breath move through your body, and with each out-breath, calming, settling, relaxing your body. Letting go more.

And bringing awareness to areas of your body that are holding tension right now, starting with our face. Notice if the forehead is tight, relaxing the forehead, and letting your eyes rest in the socket. Letting your jaw relax. Perhaps letting your mouth be so relaxed, the jaw so relaxed, that your mouth is a bit open. Letting your whole face, all the muscles in your face, relax. An invitation to yourself, out of care, out of love for yourself: Hello dear muscles of the face, would you like to let go of the tension you're holding right now?

Inviting with kindness your neck and shoulders to let go of tension they're holding. Hello to your shoulder and neck, you can put down your weight in this moment, literally and figuratively. A moment of refuge. Nothing needs to happen right now. Nothing needs to happen. Just letting go, putting down.

Inviting your arms, upper arms, elbows, forearms, and hands to rest. Dear hands, dear arms, you do so much. Rest now. Offer up, give up the tension you might be holding from the day's activities.

Inviting your chest as it moves with the breath, with the flow of the breath, to put down its worries. Your chest can be lighter. Inviting your abdomen, also feeling the breath move through it. Gently soothing, calming, nurturing. To offer up or to melt any tension there might be.

Expanding, inviting your sit bones that you're sitting on right now, supporting you, supporting your weight, your bottom to relax. The groin area, no need for any tension or tightness. Putting down any tightness.

Your upper legs, inviting them ever so gently with care. Upper legs and lower legs. Hello to your legs, beautiful wonderful feet. Relax, soften. Just be. You don't have to do anything. You can offer up any tension to the earth, let it melt away.

As you feel the breath moving through your body, let there be a sense of care infused, self-care infused in each breath. Calming, soothing, nurturing each.

As thoughts arise, memories define your mind, your attention, your awareness is resting on something, it's okay. Part of this practice, you know that. Let there be the same gentleness of the invitation with your awareness, ever so gently smiling and inviting it back. Not chastising it back, but inviting, Come back here, come back sweetie, let's be with the breath, let's be with the body. Nourishing, nurturing in this moment as we settle in, calm ourselves. This moment of refuge. You might need to invite your attention back many times, it's all okay.

Now I like to invite you to invite to your mind's eye, maybe two or three people, maybe just one, people who care about you. They could be alive or not, it's okay. And these beings could be people from your life, or they could be archetypes, compassionate archetypes who care, who love unconditionally. It could be the image of a being of light, who unconditionally cares for all beings. Or the Buddha, or Jesus, or Mother Mary, or whatever works for you archetypally. Or people in this world who are regarded for their compassion and care for all of humanity: the Dalai Lama, Martin Luther King. Or perhaps a teacher you feel a sense of care for, a relative, a friend, a parent.

Inviting a few people, as many as it feels right for you, maybe two or three, inviting them in a circle of benefactors, a circle of friends, a circle of care. And as you sit relaxed, breathing without trying too hard to make anything happen, holding yourself. Seeing yourself, seeing if you're visual, and holding yourself. If it's a felt sense for you, that you're held with their care. The sense of care, friendliness, kindness, love, compassion, right there with their regard, their care for your well-being.

Maybe offer up something in your heart, bring up something that's been challenging for you, that is challenging for you. In this intimate circle of care, offering it up so that you're not holding this alone. What is challenging for you? It's being held by others. They're holding it with you.

It could be something that's challenging, and maybe something you've been judging yourself for, kicking yourself, self-flagellating. See how they hold it. They hold it with a lot more care, a lot more love, understanding. Having a 360-degree view of what's difficult for you.

Letting yourself be held in compassion and care. Letting your body be soft. Feeling supported, not alone. Letting yourself feel seen and cared for.

I invite you to put a hand on your heart center, middle of your chest. Holding yourself while you feel held in the care of others, really connecting with yourself. Connecting with your own care, the heart center, middle of the chest. Not the physical heart which is on the left side, just really connecting with your own care. Your own challenges, what's heavy, as well as with what's caring. Oh dear. Oh sweetie. Oh dear heart.

Keeping the image, the felt sense of those compassionate beings in your mind's eye, in your heart. If the energy of the mind starts to wane, bring it up, bring it up more brightly. Feeling, knowing that you're not alone. You are supported. There is support seen and unseen, and knowing that you can ask for support.

For the last moments of this guided meditation, as practiced together, offering appreciation to yourself for having sat, for having tried. Regardless of what came up or what didn't come up. No attachment to outcome. Appreciating the intention. Not judging yourself, and if you are judging yourself, offer that up to be held with care, with gentleness, with compassion by yourself and your compassionate benefactors.

Reflections and Breakout Session

Thank you all. It would be lovely to hear, perhaps, if you like to type or you can unmute yourself, about what is coming up for you right now, what you're sitting with. I'll start. What's coming up for me right now in this meditation is more tenderness. There is a moistening of my heart with care for myself, and more sense of ease in the body, more presence.

Yogi: Sloth and torpor.

Nikki: That's perfectly fine. Can that be held with care? I hope it is being held with care, not with judgment. Conditions are like this, sloth and torpor arise. All good, tenderness supported and entwined. Thank you.

Yogi: Feeling lighter, happy. Nice happy hour after all.

Nikki: Yeah. So I'd like to invite you now, having practiced the sense of holding ourselves with care, with tenderness, offering compassion for ourselves, engaging with another one or two human beings and holding them with the same sense of care. As if you were their compassionate being, as if you were listening to them and holding them with care, with mettā, with compassion. Listening deeply. See what it feels like to actually take that role now with someone who you don't know at all. And the prompt is simple. The prompt is: How do you feel right now? How was the meditation for you? And there's no right or wrong answer. You can say, "I loved it, blissed out," or "I fell asleep, sloth and torpor the whole time, didn't follow a word." No right or wrong answer. Just whatever is coming up for you, or how are you right now in this moment, or overall in this COVID-19 time.

Each person will have a couple of minutes to share, and when you're listening, just listen as if you're their compassionate being and you're supporting, you're holding whatever they're bringing up, whether it's joy, whether it's sorrow, you're holding it with them. See what it feels like in real time with someone that you may not even know. It can be very moving to support someone for just a couple of minutes in that way, and to be supported in that way.

And if you're hesitant, I invite you to experiment with it. Just to see what it feels like, be a scientist of your own heart and mind. And if you really think it's not for you tonight, it's okay, you can bow out right now. It's fine. Bow out before I make the breakout rooms. But I do suggest you try it out. I think it will be rather sweet. You might surprise yourself, learning something new about yourself, about how you can be held, how beautifully you can be held, and how you can hold others. So I will create the breakout rooms now.

[Breakout sessions commence and conclude]

Welcome back everyone. Yeah, it would be lovely to hear some reflections, how the practice was for you. Either the first practice or the second practice, the interactive practice of holding and being held with care. And you're welcome to raise your hand, I can unmute you, or you can just unmute yourself because I may not see everyone. So any questions are welcome also. Any questions, complaints, anything that was puzzling to you, go for it.

Yogi: I just want to say how much I appreciate the breakout groups. I think it's a wonderful opportunity to connect with people. And I like the suggestion to just listen. It really gives people a chance to think, really think about what I was feeling, and take the time to say it. And then there's none of that awkward "are we six feet apart." It's just connecting. So thank you.

Nikki: Beautiful. Thank you. It warms my heart to hear how meaningful the connection is, and in this format. And also the invitation to just listen to another human being, which is actually a listening bow to them. And listening to yourself, just as you put it, you get to listen to yourself deeply. What's happening, being responsive, not reactive. Beautiful, thank you. Other reflections? Questions, please.

Yogi: I'm kind of going through a slump in my practice where there's lots of agitation and not wanting to finish the sit even. But I think the topic is really important and really great, and I could certainly identify with the idea of self-care or self-nurturing. I lived a whole lifetime of self-destruction and switched over to self-care and I'm grateful to have made that switch, but I'm still doing my sits. I'm just going through something right now and this too shall pass, I'm sure.

Nikki: Yeah, if I can ask you, if it's okay to ask you, what's the challenging nature of the sits right now? Does it feel too hard? What would you like to say in a couple more words so that perhaps I can offer something that might be supportive?

Yogi: Well, it seems like the sit seems too long. It's like I am thinking about things like, "When is this going to be over?" This has been going on for about a week, and I thought maybe I should do shorter sits or something. But yeah, I've been sitting every day all this year and this has been the roughest week. If you have any suggestions...

Nikki: Yeah, so thank you for sharing that. One thing, I mean there are many different things it could be, but one thing is the classical Five Hindrances^[2], one of them is restlessness. So what I'm hearing is visiting you right now is restlessness. So if you see it as a restless energy and work with it as restless energy, not as a, "Okay, the sit is too short. Yep, that's the truth. The sit is too long." Instead, listen to the restless energy as in, "Wow, interesting, let me get to know you." Because I bet this restless energy of, "Oh the sit is too long, done, okay I want to move on," I bet it shows up in other aspects of your life.

Yogi: Yes, maybe. Yeah, I'm sure. I can do that with torpor, but I haven't tried it with restlessness, so I will try it.

Nikki: Great, great. Yes, so see it as that. And it's not an enemy, it's not something like, "Okay, I'm going to stare you down, restlessness and torpor, I'm going to get rid of you." Not that attitude. Really curious, kind attitude. "Hello dear, hi old friend, here you are. You visit me in different times and this week you're just hanging out with me. Let me get to know you. How do you feel in the body? How do you feel in the mind?" And then after you've really, really studied the restlessness, how it feels, what it brings up when it comes up. Just kind of really studying it as if you have this dear friend, you want to hear its story: "Tell me your story." You really want to get to know it, and then when you've done that, see what might be underneath it. And again, you don't go digging, but you just drop in the question at some point, maybe next week after you've studied it already: "Hmm, if this restlessness wasn't here, what would be here instead?" That's how you would do this investigation. And you might surprise yourself to see what this restless energy is covering.

Yogi: So I kind of echo the comments of the last speaker where she was saying I wanted to tap out, or where she said she wanted to leave early. It was going long and I kind of felt the same way, because about ten minutes in I said, "I'm leaving, I can't concentrate, I probably shouldn't even be here, my thoughts are all over the place." But I think maybe the last five minutes is where everything just really calmed down and I felt comfortable and happy. And it was a weird thing for me because during the meditation especially, you said "think of this and do that," all I would do is get angry. Angry at my thoughts, angry at the fact that I couldn't concentrate. But now on the other side of that, I don't know, it's back in the happy hour I guess. So I don't know what my thoughts are going here, but in the breakout session we kind of talked about, you know, in our work we interact with a lot of people—for those who are still working—but you don't really feel the connection. And here, even though it's online, I feel a better connection with everyone because it's more personal versus the people I might see every day. And so I'm definitely very appreciative of that.

Nikki: Yeah, thank you. I so appreciate you being here and you staying throughout the storm of your mind and the thoughts arising, and the anger at the thoughts, etc. And then "I want to leave, but I'm going to hang out," and then the last five minutes... ah, everything relaxed the last five or ten minutes. I forget how long he said. And I also really appreciate you sharing that. It takes courage and it's so important because it's not just your mind, it's everybody's mind that does this at some point. If it hasn't tonight, you will do it at some point or it has.

So one thing I want to say is, one thing that's beautiful about the practice of hanging in there, which is what you did essentially—you hung in there, you worked as best as you could with the visitors that were visiting you. There is something that in psychology, neuroscience, is called "response inhibition." When you just want to check out, you want to tap out, and you see you go, "No, no, come back. No, come back." And simply that hanging in, staying with the practice, that builds a sense of stability in the mind, a sense of stability in the heart, that as you saw at the end, the mind just goes, "Ah, okay, I can relax." Wow, it just quiets down. And so I want to acknowledge and really appreciate how, even if it seemed maybe unskillful like, "Oh, I'm angry," but there was a skillfulness of hanging in there. And there was skillfulness enough that the anger at the thoughts didn't snowball. So there is more skillfulness and more wisdom than you're speaking to that has clearly been operating, and I want to point to that so that you see it in yourself.

And then the other thing is, I really appreciate you talking about how the connections here are more meaningful. Part of it is the perception that you have, the perspective that you bring in that makes it more meaningful. So I like to invite you to do something really risky, which is to experiment taking that perspective into some of your work meetings and see what happens. Just try it on for size and see what happens. You might be surprised.

And one last thing I want to say—we are over time, but this is such a juicy question about the mind getting angry and upset at itself like, "Stop, stop, stop." At some point when that automatic relaxation happened out of exhaustion perhaps, or like a wild horse that finally settled, one thing that can also be supported there is, in the moment when you realize that that fight is going on, that conflict is going on, see the conflict and relax into it. Relax your body, just relax your mind. It's okay. Let the thoughts come and go. Because as long as you're in conflict with them, you want all the thoughts to go away, you're suffering. But if there's a relaxation, that conflict, that butting heads, it gets more relaxed. So what happened in the last five minutes might happen more earlier. So there's more I can say but I'm going to stop. We've already gone over time.

So thank you all for being here tonight at happy hour and practicing together, holding yourselves and holding each other. May all beings be happy, may all beings be free. May all beings feel supported in compassion, including ourselves. Take care everyone.