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Happy Hour: Pillars of Joy (5/8) -- Forgiveness I

Introduction

Hello and welcome to Happy Hour. Hope you are well and have been practicing with ease, patience, kindness, and forgiveness. The theme for tonight, as I mentioned, is forgiveness, so we're going to continue our exploration of the eight pillars of joy which we've been exploring now for a few weeks.

The inspiration for the eight pillars of joy is this book called The Book of Joy by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. In that book, they explore these eight pillars and the relationship of these eight pillars both in Buddhism and in Christianity too. There are lots of lovely teachings and it's a nice umbrella to bring up a lot of practices we're already familiar with, practices we engage in with a sense of perspective, acceptance, kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. Having worked through the first four, the fifth one is forgiveness, which seems like a huge topic.

Why would forgiveness be one of the eight pillars of joy? What does joy have to do with forgiveness? I'm going to ask you to feel into that for yourself. Forgiveness somehow feels like this heavy thing, heavy lifting to do, whereas joy is bubbly and uplifting and makes us happy.

The connection is, of course, clear in that a lack of forgiveness weighs us down. It weighs our heart down. When we are ruminating, when we keep obsessing and going over things that we haven't forgiven—whether we haven't forgiven ourselves and we still feel guilty or ashamed, or whether we have not forgiven others and we're still angry at them. When we are still, after however long it's been, filled with anger, resentment, and recrimination, all of this drains energy. All of this drains perfectly good moments to be happy, and all of this actually makes us unhappy.

So forgiveness is letting go. Letting go of the hope for a better past, a past we can't change. It cannot be any different, so it is letting go of what cannot be changed.

We primarily forgive for our own sake. We don't forgive for anybody else's sake. If we choose to forgive—and it's a choice, we can choose not to forgive, and also sometimes we may not be ready to forgive—then don't push it. You don't have to forgive. There is no "should" in this practice of forgiveness. There's absolutely no "should." It's just the recognition that we forgive for freeing our own heart, not because the other people deserve it. They may or may not deserve it, and that's really not the measure here. Whether or not they've apologized, whether they even know the kind of harm they caused, none of that is relevant, which is a revolutionary thought.

We only forgive for the freedom of our own heart so that whatever hurt has happened, it doesn't continue to hurt us. It doesn't continue to take our joy, our happiness, our vitality. It doesn't take those perfectly good future moments away and make them heavy, inhabiting us in a past that was painful.

Forgiveness is really a gift. It is a gift of generosity, a gift of joy, a gift of openness, a gift of lightness that we really give to ourselves to benefit ourselves. And again, it's important to repeat it: we do this regardless of whether or not the other person deserves it. We only practice it little by little. When the heart is ready, we incline the mind towards forgiveness. We don't tell ourselves to do it; we incline the mind towards forgiveness. And if the heart isn't ready, it's okay, we just encourage it. We sit with it. We don't push it. We forgive others or ourselves as much as we are able to.

Guided Meditation

So let's practice together. Let's get into our meditation posture. If you need to move, if you need to shift your posture, do so. Landing in this body, landing in this moment. Landing in this moment in time. Landing in the breath, inviting the body to be relaxed and soft, and giving up any tension, any holding there might be. Letting go, letting go of the tightness, the holding in the body, the tightness, the holding in the mind, and arriving fully in this moment.

Embracing this moment just as it is. Letting go of the thoughts, the words, and just receiving the breath in the body. Just this breath. Just this moment. Letting there be softness, gentleness, warm-heartedness. If there is any tightness or holding in the body, can you offer forgiveness for any lack of perfection? There is no perfection. Offering forgiveness, kindness to this body, to this mind, showing up, doing the best it can.

Receiving each breath. Relaxing at the out-breath. Relaxing the whole body at the out-breath. Letting go, letting go of any tension. Knowing that forgiveness is too a kind of a letting go, it's letting go of a contraction, letting go of clinging to suffering and the past that cannot be changed. Offering kindness and care as each breath is received and let go of.

And if you wish, bringing to mind something—not the biggest issue in your life, not the most complicated one please, but maybe number two or number three. Something about which you felt hurt. Whether the person or beings who hurt you intended it or not, there was some hurt. Bringing that ouch to mind. As the ouch comes to your heart, holding it with kindness, compassion. And if you need some space, some distance in order to hold yourself with kindness, maybe imagining holding yourself at the age at which the hurt happened as a loving, caring, compassionate being. Acknowledging, holding the hurt with care and kindness. That was hard, darling. That was painful. That was challenging.

And wondering to yourself, or if you have the image of this loving being holding you, the loving being wonders with you whether, for the benefit of your own heart, it's okay to offer up, to let go of a hope of a different past, and let go of the resentment. To let go of the tightness in the heart and offer forgiveness as much as possible. It may not be completely possible or available, and that's okay.

For as much as it is possible in this moment, I choose to let go. I choose to offer forgiveness to you, the person who hurt me intentionally or unintentionally. Opening the fist of my heart, relaxing the fist of my heart around this pain. As if it were a pebble, dropping it in a pond, offering it up to the universe. Just as I was hurt, just as you hurt me, I have hurt others. We are not immune from hurting each other in this human life. As much as it's available in this moment to me, I choose to let go. To forgive you, to offer you forgiveness, freeing my own heart of the clinging for it to have been another way, which it wasn't. For the freedom of my own heart, I offer you forgiveness so that I can move on, so that my heart can be more free to contain joy.

And now for any part that I played, that I played in the hurt that was caused, and any part that I played in that relationship of causing the hurt to myself, I offer my forgiveness as much as possible. Maybe I didn't speak up, or whatever it is that I did that caused hurt and pain to myself. To err is human. I let go of any wish for my past actions to have been different. They weren't. I offer myself forgiveness as much as possible. I forgive myself so that I can put it down and move on as much as possible in this moment. As if it were a pebble, this tightness, this clinging, dropping it in a pond. Letting go. Letting there be more lightness in the hand, not a fist clinging to the heart. I forgive myself as much as possible in this moment.

And for the third part, any harm, any hurt that I might have caused you in this interaction that we had, even if I felt hurt primarily, I also ask you for forgiveness. I might have hurt you unknowingly or knowingly. Just as a token in our hearts, also asking for forgiveness.

And finally, for all the causes and conditions, for everything that led to that hurt. All the causes and conditions, you, me, everything that had come before. My background, my experiences, my expectations, my upbringing, genes, all the causes and conditions, all the experiences. And you, yours. All the ways, all the habit patterns that you have, just the way you are, the way you've been. All the experiences in your life, all the causes and conditions that brought us to that moment. All those causes and conditions, I offer forgiveness to all the causes and conditions, everything that led to that hurt in this moment as much as possible. For the release, for the ease of my heart, I offer forgiveness to everything that led to that hurt. Letting go, letting go as much as I can, forgive the imperfection of the world. There is no perfection. I forgive it, it is what it is. Letting go as much as possible in this moment.

And if there was any part of this practice that was more challenging than another—either offering forgiveness for the being who hurt you intentionally or unintentionally, offering yourself forgiveness, asking for forgiveness, or forgiving all the causes and conditions, the four different parts. Landing. Landing in your body as you receive the breath, letting go of the out-breath. Appreciating the sense of grace in the universe. A sense of goodness, a sense of grace, a sense of mercy, benevolence that's universal. So many beings who have come before us and who live and walk this earth who serve as an inspiration, as an aspiration, who embody forgiveness. And whether living beings who serve as an aspiration or archetypes, any that work for you—the Buddha, Jesus, etc., or a being of light, all-forgiving, filled with mercy universally—letting that serve as an aspiration if it works for you, and if it doesn't, let that go.

May our practice, our practice of forgiveness, serve our hearts, our minds to be lighter, more free, be more joyful, to be of service both to ourselves, to others, and all beings everywhere. Thank you for your practice, everyone.

Reflections

So I will change the settings, and you're welcome to unmute yourself to share any reflections, questions, or type it in chat if you wish.

I'll share one reflection. Forgiveness, when it's available, feels good. There's a sense of freedom, lightness in the heart. And I especially appreciate the fourth invitation, which is forgiving the causes and conditions that have led to the hurt. Because it's not one thing that leads there; so many things interplay. To recognize that, to really take that bird's eye perspective on the causes and conditions that all come together, to see if those could be offered some forgiveness.

So any reflections? Any questions? Complaints? Yes, Vicki, I see your hand raised. Feel free to unmute.

Vicki: I liked what you said during the forgiveness of ourselves, that you mentioned something about how we may not have spoken up. And that related to a question I was having in my mind as I was trying to forgive this person. I thought, "Well yeah, I can forgive this person, but I don't want this person to keep doing that same type of thing to others." And I didn't speak up.

Nikki: Yeah, thank you for speaking up, Vicki, and bringing that up. There's a significance there, because many times when the hurt is done, you know, if we don't speak up either during or afterwards, there's a part that somehow we're playing in it. So thank you for bringing that up and how significant that was for you.

And also, I think related to that is the recognition, slightly different though—I think it's important also to recognize that as people have hurt us through all the causes and conditions, we too have hurt either them in that interaction or later, maybe by not talking to them or whatever it is, and we've also hurt others. So recognizing the sense of, "Oh, it's not just them, we're humans, we're all humans," seeing ourselves from a similar perspective of common humanity.

Elizabeth offers: "Beautiful meditation, thank you. Could you name the four components again?"

Oh yes, so the four parts that we practiced with tonight. The first is offering forgiveness to the other person, to the other being. And then after that, we did offering ourselves forgiveness. And then we did asking for forgiveness from the other person. And the fourth component is offering forgiveness to all the causes and conditions, everything that led to that, all the imperfection that led to that. Maybe that person woke up feeling angry that morning because somebody else had cut them off, you know, all the imperfect causes and conditions. But just offering forgiveness for the world, for the imperfection in the world, is one way to relate to that.

Sheila, do you have a quick comment or question? I see you're unmuted.

Sheila: Sometimes, you know, when you mentioned "forgive me for not saying something or the other," speaking up, oftentimes there's a power imbalance. And the person who's the victim cannot speak up. Sometimes you can be in a position like that for many years or forever where you are not in a position to speak up. Like, you know, people who are downtrodden and subjugated.

Nikki: Yeah, that's a very good point. Thank you for bringing that in, that in not every situation might there be the possibility to speak up. There are some where we may participate by not speaking up, and there are some situations where it's not possible, as you mentioned, due to subjugation, oppression, or power imbalance. So thank you for bringing that in to be acknowledged.

So I'd like to invite us, if we would please now turn to practicing in small groups. The question that I have for us to discuss in this safe environment with others is, of the four steps tonight when you practiced, which of them really spoke to you or didn't speak to you? You can speak about what worked or what didn't. Maybe choose one step and talk about it. And this way, also learning from others about how they have approached it. Maybe go one round talking about what worked, what you could really relate to if anything, and maybe a second round if there is time about what was challenging. That way we're really learning from the wisdom of the community what has worked. So I will create the rooms, they will be sizes of three, and if for whatever reason you cannot participate or don't wish to, it's perfectly fine, but I hope you stay and offer your wisdom. Here we go, I'm opening all the rooms. Thank you all.

[Break for small groups]

Okay, welcome back everyone. We have a couple of minutes for any reflections, questions, or comments. And just one thing I wanted to quickly add is that the four components that I mentioned, they may not be relevant for every case. One might be relevant for one case and another for another, but I just wanted to present them all so that you had them. Sometimes, really, we need to forgive ourselves for something that's just really challenging and we feel like we caused harm.

So any quick reflections? Claire?

Claire: This is way off-topic, but I had trouble logging in from your website.

Nikki: Yeah exactly, yeah thank you. It's already discussed, it's gonna be fixed. Thank you. Any other reflections on the practice? Anything that worked for you or was particularly challenging? What did it feel like? Can you feel the relationship between—

Michael: I love the wisdom of my cohort.

Nikki: Say more.

Michael: I really loved what she brought up. I don't want to disclose too much, but I just want to share that I love what she brought up, and it made me think that it was wise, and that perhaps I should investigate what she was going to do with forgiveness. It was just a really heartwarming experience and I had some mudita^[1]. I think I had almost every brahmavihara^[2]. We went through all four: kindness, compassion, mudita—vicarious joy. [Laughter] You asking for forgiveness was not necessary because no other retreat meditation center has made it so easy to study. So deep bows to all the volunteers and the teachers and the sangha members. Thank you.

Nikki: Thank you, Michael. I appreciate your reflections. And I really appreciate hearing how being in a small group was really inspiring for you, hearing from another practitioner together, and how what she was sharing from her experience inspired you. Ah, it's lovely. That's the beauty that arises from these small group practices. And yeah, I appreciate also your reflection on IMC's offering, the volunteers, and teachers. And I still ask for forgiveness for the screw-up with the links, and I will fix that tonight. It'll be all done.

I hope that this practice of forgiveness—again we did a very brief version tonight, but this is such a deep and rich practice we can do for a lifetime. So if you have questions, if there's something specifically that would be helpful to maybe address again, maybe we do this again next week if that's your wish. Actually, raise your hand if you'd like to do another session of it. Let's see... two, three, four, five... okay, a bunch of hands raised. Tell you what, next time we'll do one more session on forgiveness. We'll address it from a slightly different angle. I think it'll be rich. It's so rich, we can't ever have enough forgiveness.

Thank you, Drake, for your reflection. I think there are aspects of forgiveness that are Buddhist, but anyway, yes, thank you for practicing, Drake, and everyone for joining and practicing tonight—this morning for those of you joining from Asia. Deep bows for your practice for yourself and supporting yourself and all others. May we all be well and free.

Okay, take good care. You can unmute yourself and say goodbye if you like, it's kind of a nice ritual we have now.

Students: Thank you Nikki, it was awesome and very healing. Thank you everyone. Thanks everybody. Great session, thanks everyone. Bye, good night!