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Guided Meditation

Hello and welcome. Welcome to this virtual participation in the Insight Meditation Center at our meditation hall here. The topic overall is love, and now we come into the form of love called equanimity.

As part of this introduction to equanimity, I want to offer you a minimum definition of love. At least it has to contain this to be love. And that is to not wish harm on anyone, to oneself, to others, to the world. To not wish harm, not cause harm. And it might seem that that's too minimal of a definition for love. Love has to be more than that. But when we consider how much harm gets done in this world, it's a phenomenal act of generosity, a phenomenal act of love for that harm to stop and not contribute to it.

And one of the ways that we harm is we harm ourselves. So many people have said that we can't harm others without harming ourselves. So as we do this meditation, a meditation on nonharming as a way of understanding the importance, the value of equanimity, I'll offer you a little saying, a little guidance instruction: "Don't make it worse."

Be sensitive here in the present moment to the movements of the mind, the impulses of the heart. Where if you're really honest, really sensitive, you see that you're adding stress, distress, anxiety, pressure, tension. That you're losing touch, you're harming by ignoring, not being really here for yourself.

Love always lives in the present moment. That's its home. If we want to love, stay present. Stay where it exists, where it lives. And if you want to love, stay in the present moment enough to really be sensitive.

Now, you wander off in thought. And you can see those thoughts are stressful. You wander off in thoughts and maybe not stressful, but maybe they're delightful. But there is a kind of disjunction, a kind of separation, shutting out from oneself. There's pain and we attack the pain. We're angry. We're aversive. We're harming ourselves. We go into fantasies of desire. And that again is a disconnection from a deep, deep presence here.

So to sit with this idea of "don't make it worse." Doing nothing that causes harm. A radical practice of nonharming. And if that's all you do, it's phenomenal.

So to gently, tenderly assume a meditation posture. And closing the eyes and taking a moment, some moments here, to take stock of yourself. How are you? How are you showing up here for this meditation? To really say hello to yourself and recognize the present moment. You in your body, in your emotions, and in your thinking mind.

Maybe as you exhale, relaxing your body, softening. When you come to the end of the exhale, can you relax and let go so the exhale continues just a teeny bit more? And the relaxing of the body goes deeper.

Where that second addition to the exhale is a time you allow the thinking mind to become quiet. So you can be more sensitive to this deeper movement of letting go, relaxing. As you exhale, relaxing your heart center, settling and quieting this mind. To feel and relax the heart center.

And as you exhale, relax the thinking mind. And if it's comfortable to do that second release in the exhale, let that thinking mind become quieter. So you can sense and feel the inner qualities of the thinking mind.

And then to feel your breathing, to immerse yourself, enter into the experience of the body breathing. As you exhale, letting the thinking mind become quiet. So there's a heightened sensitivity, bandwidth of awareness to sense the inner quality of breathing.

And then feeling and sensing in whatever way there is peace or calm or tranquility. Maybe in some deep inner way. The inner quality of your being, a peace, a calm that has no reason, not there for any reasons except being calm, breathing with it, breathing through it.

And as we continue, you might stay lightly, easily with your breathing, with your calm, whatever degree it's there. And then appreciate that a form of love is not making it worse. Not adding pressure, tension, harm, or suffering by anything you do with your thinking, your feeling, your attitude.

And for the next minutes, let that be your primary practice. To have enough love of the present moment experience that you refrain from going along with any movements that hurt, cause harm, tension, suffering. Are you contributing any degree of unease? And might it be a form of love to allow yourself to be here in a simple way. Not continuing with the thoughts, the attitudes, the impulses that add stress, anxiety, aversion, that are deflating, discouraging. Don't worry about doing better. Just don't make things worse.

And as we come to the end of the sitting, consider for a few moments how the minimum definition of love, the minimum requirement for love, is to not wish any harm. And a second deeper expression of love is to want to walk through the world without causing harm. To be able to enter into communities, meet with people, even be alone and not make the situation worse. Not add stress or anxiety, fear, hurt. To have the deep wish to not cause harm is a profound form of love.

May it be that this meditation that we do, the gathering we've had today, may it be that we become the widespread community of people who go into the day sensitive and careful not to cause harm, not to discourage anyone or deflate them or hurt anyone in any way.

May all beings be happy. May all beings be safe. May all beings be peaceful. May all beings be free. Thank you.

Dharmette: Love (66) The Wisdom of Non-Reactivity

So hello for this second talk on equanimous love, the love that is manifested through a profound form of equanimity. [Clears throat] What I'm doing this week is kind of introducing the topic and different factors, features of equanimity, to understand its elements so that next week we can do the equanimity samadhi^[1] practice.

One way of understanding this deep equanimity, one quality of it, is that it's a non-reactivity. Things happen and we don't impulsively tighten, lash out. We don't impulsively react to what's happening. We make space, we make room. We feel, we know, we're present, which isn't what we're ignoring. And making room for a deeper response to arise that is not reactive.

And one of the ways that we're reactive is we're actually contributing more suffering. We are responsible for a fair amount of our own suffering. And it's the way that we contribute suffering to ourselves that Buddhism gives us the most ability to—mindfulness gives the most ability to—manage better, to monitor, and to maybe let go of. And if we spend the whole time thinking that other people are responsible for our suffering, then we miss the opportunity to see how we add to it, what the mental activities are that we're contributing.

Many people don't see that difference. So, for example, if there's something in the world you read in the news that seems pretty awful, and maybe even the forecast doom is coming, and that's bad enough that that might be happening. And then we get angry at those people who are not fixing the problem, those people who are contributing to it. And in that anger, chances are that there's a tension, there's a squeezing, there's a hostility, that we're harming ourselves. To carry hostility is a leading cause of stress and closing down, limiting ourselves, getting so focused on a particular way of being that we miss the wholeness of who we are.

And so if this prediction of doom, and we get so distressed, so discouraged, so frightened, we can hardly know what to do. Well, now we're suffering even more. And there's no direct requirement that because the sky is falling, because bad is happening, that we are supposed to be afraid, that we're supposed to be anxious and upset and confused and dispirited by it. It may be natural enough for that to happen, but to justify that because it's natural—"Of course we are. Of course we should be"—overlooks the fact that we can actually stop and be present for ourselves in a deep, stable way and see, "I have some choice here. I don't have to continue with these thought trains, the repetition of the same thoughts over and over again that are contributing to this fear. I don't have to stay so tense in my heart, closing down. I don't have to be afraid of my fear, reacting to it, believing it. I don't have to be predicting futures when I don't really know what's going to happen."

And so we start questioning, and we see actually we're contributing a fair amount. And maybe the world has enough suffering in it. Why should I contribute more? Why should I contribute anxiety, agitation, hostility? Why should I contribute more complaints?

Some people navigate through the social world or in their life through complaining. And there's some kind of joy, some kind of energy and camaraderie that happens with complaining and sharing complaints. But it actually diminishes the person who complains. It actually prevents some deeper wisdom to operate, deeper love and connection to operate, a deeper, more nurturing, and nourishing way of living.

And so what happens in mindfulness practice? We start noticing the effect our mental, emotional, and physical behavior has on ourselves. And we start seeing, maybe only in really big ways first or in subtle ways first, that we actually have some choice about how much we cause harm to ourselves. And maybe we don't need to. Why make more harm? Why have suffering happen in the world and then add to that suffering by suffering ourselves because of it?

This is not a message to be aloof or cold or disinterested. This is a message to not contribute more suffering to a situation so you can meet the situation with clarity, with full love, with a presence and with intelligence to take care of it the best you can. To contribute something different than more suffering, different than more hostility, different than more complaints. Something more creative, something more beneficial, something that turns the direction in a different way, in a good way.

And so what I'm offering today is the idea that to understand the value of equanimity comes along a lot easier if we understand the opportunities we have not to make a situation worse. That we have an opportunity to be present, to be open, to be caring, to be curious, interested, without reacting. And not to justify reactivity, not to invest in it and believe in it. That's not the only way we have for responding to the world. There are better ways.

And to start feeling that, even to a small, small degree—you don't have to agree with me 100%—but even to some degree, to begin observing and seeing, "I don't have to make it worse here." Because in making it worse, you're probably acting on reactivity. You're activated. You're reactivated. And there's no equanimity there. But to learn, "I don't have to be activated this way. I don't have to be reactivated. I don't have to live in this kind of churning and spinning of the heart, of the mind, that's causing more suffering."

There's another alternative. It's hard not to be that way, but maybe I need to meditate for an hour to settle it all out. I have some choice. Maybe a meditation.

And so you don't have to want to be equanimous. But to not want to cause any more harm, to not contribute to more harm to yourself and to others, not to live in that reactive mode, means that you're not participating in the very things by which someone would lose their equanimity. And so equanimity would be a byproduct of not giving in to reactivity, not going along with it, not making a situation worse.

So not making it worse. And this is a great practice to do when you're in a difficult social situation where things are just difficult and tense and you're hot and sweaty and grumpy, to say, "Wait a minute. This is the time. Let's not make it worse. Let me not say anything. If I say anything at all, it'll become worse. Let me just ask for a breathing room. Let me ask to take a little break. Let me not make it worse. Let me be quiet. Let me not say anything, and see what happens and how it unfolds. But at least let me not make it worse. If I can't improve on the situation, let me not say anything or do anything."

[Clears throat]

And from the outside, it might look to someone that you're becoming equanimous. You're not getting reactive. You're being still and quiet.

And so this is one of the aspects of equanimity, the wisdom that supports the cultivation of deep, deep equanimity. When we see clearly the disadvantages of some of the ways the mind operates, some of the ways that the heart operates, say, "Oh, I'm making it worse right now. I'm being reactive right now. I'm contributing to my own stress, my own distress, my own anxiety and anguish. And at least let me do the best I can not to add any more suffering to the situation. It's bad enough. Can I in a realistic way be with myself, be with my hurt, be with the challenges of it, be with what's happening here, but not pile it on, not react to that?"

And see how valuable it is to do that, to see how profound it is, useful. And over time you might see it as a profound form of love. Not an indifference, not a diminishing of yourself, but a love that enhances you. To have the patience, the presence, the wisdom to not make the situation worse.

And this is one of the ways that we'll begin appreciating that equanimity is a profound state, a very powerful state where we're not going to be caught in reactivity. And to know that the disadvantages of getting caught in reactivity can help us understand how profoundly meaningful it is to be equanimous, especially the equanimity which is a form of love.

So, thank you very much. And you might go through the day today—maybe write it down on a piece of paper, maybe have it with you somewhere, some regular reminder as you go through the day. Maybe in a loving way, in a loving handwriting or something: "Don't make it worse."

And thank you very much.