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Guided Meditation: Conscious Kindness

Hello from Insight Meditation Center. Welcome to the meditation.

One of the important tendencies to become conscious about is how much of our behavior, our words, our thoughts, and our attitudes are, in fact, unconscious or operating on habit energy. We don't think about it; we're not aware that we're not choosing it. They're just moving along, unthinkingly doing, saying, and thinking whatever comes up.

The opportunity with mindfulness is to be aware of what's operating within us. What are the habits of attitudes, habits of beliefs, and habits of ways in which we relate to ourselves and to others? What are the habits of how we speak to ourselves or speak in our mind? To see it clearly enough to notice where we have a choice, so that we can choose to think, relate to ourselves, and speak to ourselves in our mind in a way that is kind, supportive, and nourishing. We can choose a way that brings about some of the best qualities of our hearts, and have an attitude towards ourselves that heals, creating friendship within ourselves and a caring attitude towards all of who we are. In this way, we are not in conflict with ourselves, saying things or being in ways with ourselves or others that, if we really stepped back and listened or felt the impact of what our mind is doing, we would feel sorry for. We would have compassion, and maybe even some sorrow, thinking, "Wow, this hurts. This is difficult. Let's see how we could do it a different way."

The choice point in meditation has to do with how we bring our mindfulness and attention to what's here. Can we find a way, when we have a choice, to be consciously aware and shift some of the inner dynamics so there is a friendly holding of our experience? It is like being with a difficult person where all we have to do is listen, be present, and make room for them to speak so that they begin to relax. They stop being defensive or assertive, feeling that we're not going to harm them. We can listen and shift our attention to ourselves in that same way, coming from a place of meditative care, friendliness, or kindness. The goal is not to override what's happening but to begin shifting how we relate, finding the place of choice in our relationship.

So, in this meditation, settle in and start becoming aware, noticing what we're doing with our mind that is not connecting to this warmth, that is not connecting to a meaningful, supportive way of being with ourselves. Begin holding all of who we are in an attitude of kindness, friendliness, and support. One of the axioms or maxims for this is to "be still and gaze upon everything kindly." Be still and gaze upon everything kindly.

Assuming a meditative posture, you might think of the posture not as something that is stiff or forceful, but something that promotes both alertness and a friendly attitude, a warm-heartedness. Gently lower the gaze or close the eyes. In a way that feels caring and just right for you, take some deeper breaths. Just adapt the breath enough that you really start feeling connected to your body.

When you have breathed in deeply, you might take a moment or half a moment to hold your breath before exhaling, just long enough so that your attention gathers around the top of the inhale. Then breathe out, exhaling and relaxing, letting the exhale be a little bit longer than usual so it doesn't feel challenging.

Also, for a quarter of a moment, just very briefly hold the breath before breathing in, holding at the end of the exhale so that there's a gathering, a little bit more focus on the experience of breathing.

Then, let your breathing return to normal. As you exhale, look around your body for places that you can relax, softening the body on the exhale. You might take a moment or so to pause at the end of the exhale, and in that pause, relax the body more. Let go and release the holding.

Settle in to be attuned to your breathing. See if you have any choice whether that attunement, that attention to breathing, can be done with an attitude of goodwill, an attitude of kindness, care, and friendliness.

As you continue with your breathing, from time to time notice the deeper and deeper layers of the mind. Is there any habit formation of unkindness, unfriendliness, criticalness, or even animosity? It might not be possible to stop that, but with your conscious mind seeing it, hold it all in kindness, in goodwill, and in care. Let the habit be habit, and let yourself be the place where you choose a caring attention to what is here.

To what degree are you operating on habit energy, or habits of thinking, where the attitude is perhaps not one that is nourishing for you or how you'd like to be in the world? To the degree to which you have a choice, can you choose, without forcing, an attitude of friendliness or goodwill?

As we come to the end of this meditation, consider that Buddhist meditation is moving towards a radical transformation of how we relate to ourselves, so that we relate without any animosity, greed, or delusion. We relate to ourselves with goodwill and care. As we learn to do that in meditation, we realize that this is good to do in all directions, not just for oneself.

To express that or be reminded of that, we end the meditation with the dedication of merit^[1], the dedication of the benefits. May it be that the benefits that have come from this meditation today serve for the welfare and happiness of this world in whatever way they can spread out. May our care extend out to other people and other beings, wishing them well. May all beings be happy. May all beings be safe. May all beings be peaceful. And may all beings be free. May we find ways to live with this attitude of care and love for all beings.

Thank you.

Dharmette: Wise Speech (3 of 5) Pleasant Speech

Hello, and welcome to this third talk on wise speech. Calling it wise speech includes the idea of kind speech, or speech which supports healthy relatedness and healthy relationships with others. We want to bring to the forefront the desire to establish healthy relationships that are beneficial, mutually supportive, caring, and that express love and respect.

It's all too easy for our words not to do that. Our words can carry with them hostility, frustration, or criticalness of others. In that, there is the habit formation of saying things which are mean or harsh, saying things where the relationship doesn't come together into some kind of connectivity or real healthy relatedness, but actually the opposite. We push people away and create bigger divisions and rifts between people by what we say. In extreme versions, relationships might take a lot of work to repair. Sometimes when we use our harsh voice, we do it to strangers and we never have a chance to repair anything. We push people away, and maybe that's what we want to do—yelling at someone who's driving that we don't like, knowing we'll never see them again. But it contributes to a society of angry and frustrated people, people who feel defensive or more likely to be triggered and stressed by everything.

Wise speech is supportive speech that unifies people rather than dividing them. These are clear instructions from the Buddha. He talked about abandoning malicious speech which divides people, and speaking in supportive and kind ways that unifies people and brings them together.

In terms of these five areas of wise speech, the Buddha talked about speaking with gentle speech, pleasant speech, or soothing speech. These are all translations of the Pali^[2] word, and I think of it as speech which goes straight to the heart in a good way. It is speech which is pleasing to the ear. Here we're still looking at the question: how does our speech connect us to other people? How does it unify us? How does it create good bridges between us and other people? In addition, in what way can we speak that brings out the best in people and touches them in a good way?

How we speak is really important. We can speak with a pacing, tone, loudness, and choice of words that is not harsh or unpleasant, and doesn't make people cringe, pull back, or shut down. Instead, we can speak in a way that is nice and pleasing to listen to. It goes right to the heart; it doesn't shut the heart, it opens and warms it, helping to support a warm-heartedness.

One aspect of this is to be mindful enough of how we speak when we're operating on habit energy, where we're not really conscious of what motivates us to speak. We may speak impulsively, asserting our wishes, attitudes, and feelings onto others in order to get our way. Sometimes, within reason, we need to do something like that. But to assert ourselves in a way that is unpleasant for the other person—is that really necessary? Is there another way? I would like to suggest that, more often than not, there is. There is another way of taking care of ourselves in a situation without using a voice that perpetuates division, harshness, and unkindness.

Sometimes it's by saying things like, "Wow, that was difficult to hear," but saying it in a kind and gentle voice. Or saying, "Wow, that was quite something. Can we pause a little bit?" or "Did I hear right? What was that about?" As opposed to immediately coming back with something harsh and critical, you make space. Saying "That was hard to hear" or "I don't think I heard that properly" in a kind voice highlights for the other person what they just said, allowing them to become more conscious. Some people will give it a second thought; some will become aware of their impact and realize it wasn't the best thing to say. Rather than meeting harshness with harshness, you meet it in some other way.

I think of this kind of gentle, pleasant speech as a way where we care for ourselves and try to get what we want, but we're not asserting ourselves on others or pushing on them. We're not diminishing their value. It's done with a respect for others that they can feel in how we're speaking.

Is this too much work? Is it too much of a burden to pay attention to how we speak and speak in a nice way? It is if that's the only thing we're doing. But hopefully, for people who meditate, we're doing it on a foundation of being settled in ourselves, feeling at home and connected to ourselves. When we don't feel settled or connected, it is a high priority for mindfulness practitioners to find a way to do so. If we're not comfortable or really present for ourselves with some modicum of calm, that's when we're more likely to do things that we later regret.

On that foundation of well-being, speaking kindly, pleasantly, and caringly for others goes right to the heart. We're not forcing ourselves or operating from a "should"; it's welling up from within in a way that seems natural. Of course, we want to do it this way. So don't just take these as admonitions to "speak kindly," but take it as an encouragement and instruction. Speak kindly, yes, but do the inner work so that you have a foundation of well-wishing and well-being yourself, from which speaking kindly seems like a natural thing. Then, speaking harshly feels like doing violence to yourself, and you wonder, "Why would I do that?" Speaking kindly, gently, and pleasantly becomes something that nourishes and supports us. We feel the benefits. It comes from our heart rather than closing it, irritating it, or harming ourselves in the process.

Take time and care to speak gently, kindly, respectfully, and politely, in a tone of voice that's not harsh—one that's pleasant to hear and pleasant to speak. If you can't do that, maybe it's time to take a pause and check in. These kinds of check-ins don't have to take long. There's what I call the three-breath journey: just pause for three breaths and really connect to yourself. Those three breaths don't take long, but that might be enough to make it feel easier and more natural to avoid harsh speech.

I want to end with an inspiring, instructive, and challenging quote from Mahatma Gandhi's autobiography^[3]:

"My hesitancy in speech, which was once an annoyance, is now a pleasure. Its greatest benefit has been that it has taught me the economy of words. I have naturally formed the habit of restraining my thoughts. And I can now give myself the certificate that a thoughtless word hardly ever escapes my tongue or my pen. I do not recollect ever having to regret anything in my speech or writing. I have been spared many a mishap and waste of time. Experience has taught me that silence is part of the spiritual discipline of a votary of truth. Proneness to exaggerate, to suppress, or modify the truth, wittingly or unwittingly, is a natural weakness of man, and silence is necessary in order to surmount it. A man of few words will rarely be thoughtless in his speech; he will measure every word."

I'll end with the idea that if silence is the better option, don't speak. It doesn't mean don't speak at all, or to always prefer silence, but when silence is the better option, maybe don't speak. If you're going to make the situation worse through your speech, maybe you should not speak, or at least pause, be silent, and see what you can find.

As you go about this day, if you're interested, you might first try to establish yourself in some modicum of well-being, settledness, or connection to yourself. Maybe take the three-breath journey many times throughout the day—just be quiet and attend to three breaths—and then go about what you have to do or say. Experiment with speaking words that go straight to the heart, that come from the heart and go to the heart, that are pleasant to hear and pleasant to speak. Experiment with that and see what it's like. See how you benefit from that, and how it might benefit the relationships you're in, the people you're with, and the connection you have with them.

Thank you, and I look forward to continuing tomorrow.