This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video above. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.

Introduction

Good morning. It's a nice day here in Redwood City because we've had a nice rainstorm overnight, and we certainly needed it here.

I would like to try something different this week for this seven o'clock guided meditation time, and that is not to do a guided meditation, but to allow you to have these minutes in silence. Many of us have been doing guided meditations now since the beginning of the pandemic, and there is also a great value in sitting silently and quietly in community in this way. I know some of you will be disappointed, but just for this one week, I hope that the teachings and instructions you've received over this time will come to fruit. As you sit for these 25 minutes quietly, we'll have silence, and then I'll give the teachings for this week starting at 7:30.

So, without anything more to say, please settle in. Maybe in the silence of practice you'll be more receptive or ready for the teachings that will come today.

Reflections After Meditation

As we come to the end of the sitting, spend a few moments reflecting on whatever benefits have come, or whatever we've learned from this meditation about ourselves, about presence, attention, silence, and stillness. How can it be beneficial as we go into the world? How can we benefit others through what we've had this morning?

To be able to reflect on benefiting this world is one of the great treasures of spending quiet time meditating. To come out of that wishing for the welfare and happiness of all beings:

May all beings be happy. May all beings be safe. May all beings be peaceful. And may all beings everywhere be free.

Dharmette: Oneself (1 of 5) Self-Respect

For this week, the theme will be oneself. The focus is on our relationship to ourselves. I was a little surprised that this came up as a theme for this time of the year. I had thought perhaps this was a better time for something like loving-kindness, compassion, or generosity as we get into the holiday season. But then I thought, no, a focus on oneself—to come into a better space, a better way of being with oneself—can prepare us to be in the social world for those of us who are going to be more social or more interactive during the holiday season.

"Oneself" is a bit of a surprising theme for Buddhists sometimes, because there is occasionally an excessive emphasis on not-self (anatta)^[1]. It seems like we shouldn't talk about self at all. But if you look in the teachings of the Buddha, he often used the word "self"—the Pali word is atta^[2]—in a positive sense. He did so, I believe, without any fear or concern that it would be misunderstood as being a metaphysical self, or some kind of permanent existential self. The ordinary idea of oneself is a valuable and useful reference point for understanding ourselves and our lives.

To some degree, there's this wonderful interactiveness and balance in the ancient teachings of the Buddha between a certain kind of individualism and a certain kind of collectivism—a certain emphasis on personal agency and what we can do, alongside an emphasis on being open, receptive, and connected with others in the world around us. The combination of those is a fascinating way of living this life, and I'll say more about that in a couple of minutes.

But I wanted to read a passage from the Dhammapada^[3] where this word atta is used, and here it's being translated as "oneself":

"If one knew oneself to be precious, one would guard oneself with care. The sages watch over themselves in any part of the night."

I think that sages often stay up and meditate through the night, so they're caring for themselves. This idea—"if one knew oneself to be precious, one would guard oneself with care"—goes on to say:

"Oneself indeed is one's own protector. What other protector could there be? With self-control one gains a protector hard to obtain."

Having the agency of being one's own protector begs the question: what other protector could there be? Many of us are hoping others will protect us or make us safe. If only other people would behave in a certain way, then we'd be safe. It's common these days for plenty of people to say that they're not safe, and then insist that others change how they are to make them safe. There's some value to that, and we don't want to discredit the importance of doing that at times. But there's also something very important about learning how to be one's own protector and learning how to find safety within. And here it says it's obtained through self-control: "one gains a protector hard to obtain."

One of the ways I'd like to present this idea—that each of us, for ourselves, is precious and dear—is through the notion of self-respect. Respecting ourselves has this wonderful combination of agency (doing something) and openness. It involves making space, letting go of conceit and self-concern for that which we respect, to give some kind of care or deference to it.

Generally, we think it's easier to understand this with other people or other parts of reality. To respect someone is a powerful act that we generate from inside of us when it's done wisely. At the same time as taking agency for this respect, there's also a healthy putting aside of oneself. Making space for the other person that we respect is a kind of deference. It's kind of like hospitality. Hospitality is one of these dual activities where, on one hand, we are the agent offering hospitality to someone. In offering hospitality, there is a kind of self-forgetting—putting oneself aside for the purpose of supporting, helping, and hosting someone else. Generosity also has this dual action: the agency of what we do, but also a giving away. Perhaps compassion is the same way; we can generate compassion and care for others, and in caring for others in a healthy way, we are putting our own preferences aside.

Respect is that way too, and that dual relationship can be directed towards ourselves. We can have agency in deciding to have respect for ourselves. And at the same time as giving ourselves respect, we are letting go of conceit and letting go of certain preferences for what we do or what we should do, so that we can really know ourselves better, feel ourselves better, and be present for ourselves in a bigger way. We are important enough, and valuable enough, to be an appropriate object of our own respect. Just as we can see the worth and value of every human being, we shouldn't leave ourselves out of that. We must have respect and care for ourselves.

The movement of love in Buddhism is not a movement where everyone is loved except oneself; it's a movement of love that includes ourselves. Sometimes I think of the emotional heart as being like a light bulb. When you turn on the light, the room gets filled quickly, but the light first shines on the bulb itself, and then it shines on what's around it. The love, the care, and the respect first go through us, and then out into the world around us.

It's my hope that if we have self-respect, we actually have more substance within ourselves for respecting others. We show up more fully when we have self-respect, and the more fully we show up, the more we're there to care, love, and be friendly, supportive, and kind to other people. Self-respect means we are allowed to live, we are allowed to be. We don't have to be apologetic for ourselves or constantly defend ourselves. We don't have to be self-effacing or act like we don't count. We are allowed to count, so that we can let everyone else count better. We're allowed to be worthy and full so that we can offer the gift of attention, presence, and space to other people as well.

Returning to this idea of refuge: oneself is the refuge of oneself; what other refuge can there be? Again, we are our own protector, our own refuge. How do we make ourselves a refuge for ourselves? I would like to say that it takes some agency. It's not just trusting that we're innately good, or that everything is wonderful about ourselves. Some people are eager to feel that way because they have such a negative self-image—it acts as a balm or medicine to hear that you're worthy and wonderful. But the way to give true substance to it is through agency.

The Buddha gave a number of ways to do this. One is through living ethically; the more we can live ethically, the more self-respect there can be. We create the conditions to have self-respect. In that regard, one way to develop self-respect is not by assuming we are automatically ethical, but rather by having a commitment—some would say a vow—to live as ethically as we can. We commit to learning from our ethical mistakes and trying to do better in the future. That kind of attitude warrants more self-respect. The idea of making a commitment or making a vow is a very powerful thing to do.

Another way to make ourselves a refuge and build self-respect is to develop mindfulness. Have enough self-awareness to see how we undermine ourselves, how we criticize ourselves, how we doubt ourselves—and then choose not to believe it so much. We can see it clearly and fully enough that we begin trusting the seeing, the knowing, and the perception itself: "Well, there it is again, that habit of mind to be self-negating. But I see it."

The word respect, as many of you know, comes from the Latin word respicere^[4], meaning "to see again." This aligns beautifully with the idea of mindfulness: being able to really see, and to see with care, kindness, and openness. When we do this, we're not caught in the negative self-talk. We begin having respect for the fact that we can meet our own negativity with kindness, care, and openness. That in itself is worthy of respect.

The last verse from the Buddha I want to read here is a fascinating one:

"A person should not give oneself away, should not give oneself up. Beautiful speech should be released, malevolent speech should not."

To have self-respect, we never give ourselves away. We might engage in that dual action where there's self-respect and we get out of the way—we let go of our conceit, and we powerfully exercise our agency to put aside our own preferences sometimes for the benefit of others—but we are never giving ourselves away. We're not giving up on anything, and we're not giving up on ourselves.

The theme for this week is oneself, and the topic for today is self-respect. I suspect that not many of you have thought about this in relationship to yourselves, though some of you probably have. Maybe for today, you can reflect on this idea of self-respect. What does it mean for you? Maybe talk to friends and family about what it might mean, and how this idea of self-respect can be beneficial, significant, or even powerful for you. Explore how to live with greater self-respect, how to find it, and how to tap into it. Reflect on this topic, look at it, and live with it for the day. Tomorrow we'll go into other aspects of focusing on oneself.

Thank you.