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Happy Hour: Radical Forgiveness

So, let's begin. Hi. Formally, hi, welcome. Hello everyone, it's good to be with you in, if not space, but at least time to see you, to feel your presence.

For today's practice, what I'd like to invite us to engage with today is the practice of forgiveness. I've mentioned it before here, we've practiced with it before, but there's a particular type of forgiveness I'd like to invite us to engage with today. Often, the practice of forgiveness has different aspects or dimensions to it. One is forgiving ourselves. The other aspect, the other dimension, is forgiving others. The third is asking forgiveness from others. And the fourth one, which is a very interesting and perhaps symbolic, or maybe I would say it's a wisdom practice, is offering forgiveness to causes and conditions. To circumstances for the way they are, for our not being able to meet the suffering of the world, forgiving the world. Just a sense of general forgiveness. It's quite a deep and beautiful practice.

Let me read the phrase. Actually, we're going to focus on this one, and this way of putting it is due to Larry Yang^[1], to give him credit. So the phrase is: "In any way that I have been unable to be with and respond skillfully to the pain and suffering of our world, my own pain and that of others, may I come to accept suffering, confusion, pain, ignorance to be part of the journey, my own journey and the journey of others. I offer forgiveness for the way that things are and have been, as much as possible in this moment."

It's quite a radical way to do forgiveness practice. It's beautiful, of course, to ask for forgiveness, say, "In any way that I've harmed you knowingly, unknowingly, by thought, actions, words, I ask for your forgiveness." This is a phrase when we ask for forgiveness, or offering forgiveness to ourselves or offering it to others. But this fourth way, which is such a radical way of offering forgiveness to the causes and conditions in the world—that this is the way things are giving rise to my pain, my suffering, and the pain and suffering of others—to offer forgiveness, acceptance, release judgment for the causes and conditions as they are.

Especially as these days there is global turmoil and there is global pain. So many of our siblings in this world are living now in a war zone. Of course, there are many wars at any time going on and people living under oppression, especially now on the world stage. Can we relate? The practice of compassion is one way to relate to what is happening, and we've done that the past few days, past few times in Happy Hour. And this radical practice of forgiveness is another way. It might be completely new to you; you might not have practiced in this way. All good. Let's explore together. Let's see what arises. Again, forgiving the causes and conditions that have come to co-create the conditions of the world for our own suffering, our inability to engage, and other people's suffering. So it's a radical practice of forgiveness. There is both the wisdom practice coming together with the compassion practice, the marriage of both.

So without further ado, I'd like to invite us to engage with this practice together.

Guided Meditation

As always, we start by landing, by arriving in our bodies, this moment in time. To let go of the words and just to arrive here. Here.

Connecting with the breath, connecting with the body. Releasing preoccupations, entanglements. Just taking refuge with the breath, the body. Inviting the mind, the heart to settle.

Letting go, letting go of thoughts, of plans, past, future, present. Relaxing, releasing into the body. Arriving, arriving more fully.

Releasing, releasing thoughts, plans, preoccupations. Not with a push, but offering up, offering up, relinquishing. Relinquishing with heart, with love, with dedication to this moment of cultivation. "Thank you, dear thoughts, I'll come back to you later. Please come visit another time. Right now, I give you up for the benefit of this cultivation."

Returning, returning spaciously, kindly, receptively to the breath, the body. Feeling, feeling the heart center. Connected, connecting.

Can this moment of solitude, of silence, be nourishing to this heart, this mind, this body? To resource oneself, this being who is me.

And as we rest, as we rest with the breath and the body opening up, can we open up our hearts' sphere of awareness with kindness? As if aware with compassionate awareness. This wide, wide field of experience, awareness that can hold our own challenge, our own suffering, and those of the world. Not full-on, not directed, but diffused. Just diffused awareness, diffused with kindness, with compassion.

As if our awareness is water and there is a dropper. A few drops of compassion diluted in this awareness. Holding everything, holding everything.

Holding our bodies, thoughts, internally, externally, whatever is arising. This.

Moistening the heart, moistening the heart with compassion.

And now, if you wish, dropping in—not forcing, but dropping in—this phrase of radical forgiveness. I'll read it, and first let it wash over you. See what resonates.

"In any way that I have been unable to be with and to respond skillfully to the pain and suffering of our world, my own pain and that of others, may I come to accept suffering, confusion, ignorance to be part of the journey, to be part of the journey, my own journey and the journey of others. I offer forgiveness for the way that things are and have been, as much as is possible in this moment."

I offer forgiveness for the way that things are and have been, as much as is possible in this moment. Offering as much as is possible, not forcing.

In any way that I've been unable to be with and respond skillfully to the pain and suffering of our world, my own pain and that of others, may I come to accept it to be part of the journey, my own journey and the journey of others. I offer forgiveness for the way that things are and have been, as much as is possible in this moment.

Offering forgiveness to the causes and conditions for the way that things are and have been. Not within my control, not me and mine, as much as I would like control or have the illusion of it sometimes. Offering forgiveness. Everything that has led to this, as much as possible.

And know that it takes courage and strength to forgive. It's not out of weakness that we forgive, we engage with forgiveness. It's from a place of strength, courage, letting go, wisdom, and compassion that we engage with forgiveness.

And if there are challenging states in the mind right now, in the body—pain, boredom, distraction—can you offer forgiveness to the causes and conditions for that?

And if there are an army of self-judgmental thoughts arising, can you offer forgiveness to that?

Even though I may wish for things to be different, this is how they are right now. I offer forgiveness to how things are, as much as possible in this moment.

Notice if there's a sense of release, freedom, letting go, not hanging on. That it feels lighter, more ease arises.

As we bring this practice period to a close, notice if there has been any moment of release, of letting go of holding on, resentment, or a sense of strength, wisdom, feeling empowered in letting go.

And offering. Together we offer all these moments of release, goodness, personal and transcendent freedom collectively for the benefit of all beings everywhere, including ourselves. May all beings be free. May all beings, including ourselves, be free.

Q&A and Reflections

Thank you for your practice, friends. So much can come up in this practice, it's a bit of a perhaps complicated practice. I see Richard's hand shot up. What's up, Richard, how you doing?

Richard: I don't see how you can blame nature, and since you can't blame nature, it seems irrational to forgive nature.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, it's not so much nature in this way. It feels like a paradoxical practice in a way. Let me put it this way: many times when we are in a state of ignorance, we're angry at the causes and conditions in the world. Like, we take them personally, right? We take causes and conditions personally. So it's not nature, I would shift your word with "causes and conditions." We take it personally and we're angry, and this way of relating to this practice opens up the possibility of wisdom, actually seeing the co-dependent arising of the causes and conditions and not taking it personally. It's really a way to enter into that practice through the forgiveness practice. There are so many ways to enter into this wisdom of seeing causes and conditions as impersonal—they just are. And this is one way. It might work for you, it may not work for you, but it's a way to enter into this practice in this way. Thanks, Richard.

And let's see, a request to paste Larry's phrase in the chat. Let's see, sometimes chat has a limited size. I'm going to try that, and if it doesn't come through... here we go. Let's try. I think it all came through, look at that.

And then Bill says, "I'm aware that resentment is unhealthy, but part of me still wants to cling to it, to not forgive. It's difficult to let go." Yes, I so appreciate, Bill, you sharing that and the authenticity and vulnerability in saying that, because that is part of the process of letting go. It's part of the process of forgiveness. It doesn't happen overnight. Often first we realize, like, "Okay, I'm not ready to let go. I want to hang on to this even though I know it hurts me, I'm not quite ready." It's okay. The fact that you're observing and realizing that, see it clearly, have kindness towards yourself, that part of you that is very hurt or upset. Can you have kindness? Can you have kindness towards that part that is hurting?

It's likened to the story in Asia: in order to catch a monkey, it is said that catchers or poachers take an empty coconut, they put a hole in it, and they put something yummy inside. And as the poor animal reaches inside and grabs something yummy, the fist can't set itself free anymore. That's the trap. If the animal lets go, opens its hand, then it can open the hand and be set free. But the fist, the fist... So get to see that the fist is keeping you trapped, and just have kindness. Have kindness towards not being able to let go. Slowly, slowly, slowly.

Let's see. Hilda says, "I noticed that when I focused on forgiving, gratitude followed soon after. Gratitude for the learning opportunity through difficulty." Oh, beautiful. Thank you for sharing that, Hilda. So connected, yeah, these practices are so connected.

A private question: "Thank you, can you point to more teachings about how not to take things personally?" Oh, that is a bigger container. That's basically pointing to the teachings—so many teachings, but that's really the teachings on impersonality, or not-self, or anattā^[2]. It's impersonal, things are so impersonal. And the way to see impersonality, there are so many different ways, but one way, as I was talking about it this morning at 7:00 AM subbing for Gil^[3] this week, is through the practice of seeing impermanence. Through seeing arising and passing away. All things are impermanent internally, externally, and that's one way through seeing impersonality and not taking things personally. And there are many, many other teachings, so that's what I point you to. It's a whole canon of teachings on that, but that's a little pointer here.

Yeah, and one more reflection I'll share before we turn... Richard on YouTube says, "Thank you for sharing the light of this practice. It was very healing to me as I sat in the space and stillness at the end of the day. I found I had been avoiding pain, both my own and of the world, and yet in this forgiveness, able to hold it, hold in kindness all of it, the fullness of being." Beautiful. Thank you for that reflection. Beautiful. At the end of the day, sitting in the stillness, turning towards the pain and seeing that it's possible to hold it in the fullness of being and kindness. Beautiful.

So holding it all with kindness. Holding our pain, those of others. And before we turn to small groups, Kristen messaged me personally that her Grandma Sigrid^[4] passed away last weekend. So holding with mettā^[5] and compassion all beings, ourselves and others in their suffering. People who are near and dear to us, people who we don't know in war zones, and sending compassion and mettā to all beings and their suffering, including Kristen, her family, and her grandma who has passed away.

So with that, let us turn to each other to small groups, a small sangha to hold each other with care, with compassion. And I'd like to invite us today to start with 15 seconds of silent compassion for ourselves, for each other, and then you can share as much as you wish, as little as you wish. Maybe holding witness is what's appropriate for you. And please take care of yourself, take care of others in the small groups. It's a very tender space. What is shared is always private, is always confidential. It's actually double confidentiality. Not only do you not speak out or blurt out what someone has shared, even speaking back in the group saying, "Oh, you said blah blah blah"—like, no, no, no, just be with your own experience. Speak from your own experience, please, not about other people's experience. And if you notice if there's any feeling of lack of safety and that's happening, please kindly remind each other that, "Yeah, let's stay with our own experience." Take care of yourself, take care of each other, stay with your own experience. Confidentiality is important. In fact, double confidentiality: not only do you not say it even to them in the group, but of course outside, you never share anything that you spoke with, you know, things that people spoke to you, and you don't even bring it out outside with them, "Oh, you said that thing that day." No, it's just speak from your own experience. I feel the need to remind all of us of these ways of taking care of ourselves, each other, as community agreements as we enter the tender space of the small groups. Okay, so please take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and enjoy.

Okay, everybody's back. Welcome back everyone, and we have a couple minutes for any reflections. Like to share what came up in the groups? Any insights that came up? Um, yeah, you can raise your hand, please, and I would love to hear from you. Especially if you haven't shared in a while, would love to hear from you. Or if, you know, you can also type in chat, of course, as always, either privately or to everyone. What came up, what did you notice for the benefit of yourself and others? Any insights, aha moments?

Melissa?

Melissa: Hello. Thank you to the sangha and to you, Nikki, for tonight. I just wanted to share that in my experience of forgiving the causes and conditions, I felt that perhaps I'm worthy of forgiveness too. And the sort of universal nature of that forgiveness and compassion kind of let me in the gate. So thank you very much.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful insight, Melissa. Thank you, so happy and honored that this practice opened up something for you and that you also offered your insight for the benefit of others. Oh, may it support them. Thank you. It's so beautiful. Thank you, Melissa. Sheila, please?

Sheila: Good evening. As I shared in my group, I took the eight precepts^[6] today as I usually do on the new moon. And I wound up killing a gnat, and it really kind of bothered me and has bothered me all day long. And I think this particular meditation really helped settle me down about that experience. Um, so thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you, Sheila. I am so touched, I am moved by just the tender beauty and sensitivity of your sīla^[7], of your ethics, of taking the eight precepts, a vow today on the new moon. And just... it's beautiful to be bothered, right? There's a beauty to that, and of course there is what's called hiri and ottappa^[8], there's this beauty of, "Oh gosh, I don't want to harm, I don't want to harm." And yet it can go too far to become self-harm. And that's what I'm hearing you say. So I both honor the beauty of that intention, and I also see and appreciate you naming, "Oh yeah, well actually it was a little self-painful, and ah, it's wonderful to afford forgiveness to myself too, as well as all beings and the causes and conditions that led to this accidental harm." So thank you, that was so beautiful. Thank you.

And the last word we give to Catherine: "I realized I actually don't fully know how forgiveness feels or functions in me, so grateful to have that shown to me. I feel there will be healing in that exploration." Oh, that is beautiful. Thank you, Catherine. Such a beautiful insight. And way forward, onward-leading, all our practices as we support each other is onward-leading. So thank you all. Thank you so much for your practice, showing up, supporting yourself, each other, all beings. May all beings be well, may all beings be free, including ourselves.

Thank you.