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Happy Hour: Practicing Offering Goodwill to Familiar Strangers

Hello and welcome everyone. Welcome to Happy Hour, this rendition of Happy Hour, January 20th, 2021. Or, for those of you in Asia and Australia—I see you joining us—good morning, good afternoon, January 21st, 2021.

As we continue with cultivating the brahmavihāras^[1], we've been cultivating mettā^[2], cultivating kindness and goodness, and going through these categories systematically, Diana and myself. I'll continue that tonight with a flavor of what has been happening today, which I feel affected by. As many of you might know, either those who are in the U.S. are aware, or those internationally, that in the U.S. we just had an inauguration today. We have a new president in the U.S., and it affects many human beings. Not just human beings, but it affects many beings all over the world. These transitions do.

The theme today and the inauguration message has been unity. Coming together. And also a message of diversity, to appreciate and respect all beings, all people who are different from us in so many ways. This being an international sangha^[3], we are not limited by borders on this Zoom meeting of like-hearted people. We all come together to cultivate, as best as we're able to, our kindness, our goodwill, our friendliness, no matter where in the world we're coming from. Or our nationality, our languages, our color, our race, our sexual orientation, shape, size, age, you name it. Whatever it is, we come together as a community of human beings to cultivate our hearts, to cultivate our goodness.

Continuing with that theme, as we practice the cultivation of mettā, goodwill for others who are different from us in this cultivation of unity, I also wanted to share something that I was touched by. In his inaugural address today, the new president of the U.S. shared a few lines from a song that inspired me, and I wanted to share that and drop that in as we get settled. So here are a few words:

The work and prayers of centuries Have brought us to this day What shall be our legacy? What will our children say? Let them say of me I was one who Believed in sharing the blessings I received Let me know in my heart when my days are through America, America...

You can put in anything you want: humanity, humanity.

...I gave my best to you. I gave my best to you.

Those lines have been so inspiring for me: to give our best. What is our best? So many answers can come up. The best in our heart, the cultivation of kindness, our goodwill, is a gift. It is part of the best we can give to others, to ourselves, and the world. To give our best, to give our gift of goodwill, our gift of love, our gift of kindness.

Guided Meditation

So with that, let's practice. Let's cultivate our best. It doesn't happen randomly; let's cultivate goodness. I'd like to invite you to settle. Settle and get into your meditation posture if you will. Landing, settling, arriving. Letting go, letting go of any tension as much as possible. Becoming aware of what is happening in this body and landing, arriving. Your sit bones and your feet and your legs connecting to the earth, to the cushion, to the chair, to the floor in lieu of the earth, feeling grounded.

Allowing the breath to be received in the body, the abdomen, in the lower part of the body especially, not in the head. Let the center of gravity of your awareness be low in your body to help you settle and arrive. Relaxing each muscle: the neck, shoulders, the hands, the arms, let them relax and soften. Forehead to be soft, the skin to relax, the jaw.

Letting your breath, as it moves through the body on its own, let your awareness open up. Fully open up to receiving the sensations of the breath, of the body. The ordinariness. How ordinary, and yet how extraordinary. The extraordinariness of the ordinary, momentary awareness. Our legacy, our life, is shaped and formed by these simple moments. These ordinary moments of awareness and small choices here and there. A tiny choice here, a little choice there, to be aware, to be present. How do we choose to show up in this moment for ourselves and in this world? How do we show up? With presence, with awareness, with distraction?

Receiving the breath in the body, just this moment, just here. Connecting to the present moment, not the future or the past. Right here, right now. The intimacy, the intimacy of this breath, this moment of aliveness, right on the edge of the present moment, not slipping forward or back.

And now I'd like to invite you, while you stay embodied feeling the breath in the body, your abdomen, your whole body, bring to your heart someone, some human being you don't know very well. We call them the neutral person, but they may not be neutral. You may have a little bit of like or dislike, a tiny bit, it's okay. It might be hard to find someone who's truly, completely neutral for us, but choose someone you don't have a history with. Maybe someone at the grocery store, a barista at a coffee shop, a neighbor. Someone you see walking on the street if you go for walks. Someone you see on television you really don't know. From these days of the pandemic, someone who's delivered something for you, perhaps, a delivery person.

And let this person be different from you in some way. Their age, their physical abilities, maybe their gender, sexual orientation, race, color, language. Whatever category feels compelling to you to explore. This human being, this human being just like me. Just like me, this person wants to be happy. Just like me, they have hopes and dreams. They have a complex inner life of likes, dislikes, sadness, sorrow. Just like me, they are people they care about, people who care about them.

Bringing the image of this person, a felt sense of this person, as clearly as you can to your mind's eye. Maybe this person likes the same food you like to eat. Imagining both of you enjoying the same meal. Tune into the sense of common humanity. Even though the two of you have had different experiences, life experiences, maybe you have different beliefs, different ideology, different political leanings. In a fundamental way, this person is a human being just like you. Just like you, they want to be happy. They don't want to suffer. If you veer into some areas that might be challenging, realize we're not condoning actions here, but trying to see, trying to get in touch with common humanity.

"Hatred never ceases through hatred, but by love alone is healed. This is an ancient and eternal law," said the Buddha. So how can you connect with the humanity of this person? Can you see the two of you sitting, having tea together, having a chat? Hearing about their life story, telling your life story. Hearing how their heart has been broken, how they've been sad, how they've been happy, how they've loved, how they've cheered. Seeing how, in sitting together and having tea or a cold drink, they're offering you friendliness, they're offering you safety. You offer them the same. Maybe you share similar favorite music or movie or food or drink, and you share it with each other. Smiling, discovering in a fundamental way, in an ordinary, in an extraordinary ordinary way, you're not so different.

It is said that if we could hear the private sorrows, the heartbreaks of even our enemies, our hearts would open to care, understanding, mettā. Maybe you discover that they've suffered in a similar way. Whatever has been most painful in your life, the most challenging aspect of your life thus far, they've suffered the same. You share a bond in suffering with this person you don't know, this random human being. It's okay to be creative in this practice, in this cultivation practice.

From a place of seeing their humanity: just like me. Just like me, just as I want to be safe, this person wants to be safe. Of course. May they be safe. May you be safe.

Just as I want to be happy, you want to be happy. I wish you well. May you be happy.

Just as I want to be healthy, you too, fellow human, you want to be healthy. To be strong. And may you enjoy health and strength. Sharing our goodwill, cultivating our heart, offering our best.

And just as I want to have ease in my life, I want to take care of myself happily, you too, fellow human being, may you have ease in your life.

May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you have ease.

And seeing that, as you share these silent wishes for them, this free offering of your heart, this free blessing, goodness of your heart freely offered, cultivated, see that they smile. They feel affected somehow and they smile and wish you well. Continuing to offer them, cultivating your heart and goodness and mettā.

And notice how as you continue to wish them well, offer them mettā as if they're right in front of you, and you feel more relaxed. You feel safe, more safe yourself in their presence and their imagined presence.

Safe. Happy. Healthy. Ease.

And for the last moments of this practice, feeling a sense of giving and receiving. And both of you held in the goodness of mettā. May we both be safe. May we all be safe. May we both be happy. May we both be healthy. May we both have ease.

And may our cultivation of mettā, goodwill, kindness for others, people different from us, become a condition for happiness, joy, freedom, liberation of all beings everywhere. Their full realization into the nature of life and goodness. May all beings everywhere be happy. May all beings be free.

Reflections and Q&A

Thanks, everyone. Thank you for your practice.

I'd love to hear, if you'd be willing to share, what came up for you. What did you notice? What did you discover? What was easy? What was challenging? It's all welcome. We learn, we share our wisdom and our discoveries, our challenges, and we learn together in the sangha. If you haven't been sharing for a while, I invite you to raise your hand. You can go to participants, go to reactions, and raise your hand to share if you'd like, and unmute yourself, or to share your reflections in the chat.

This is the third day that we've been doing mettā for the neutral being, and today I tried to introduce maybe just a little bit of challenge, perhaps, if you went that way, as the next category will be someone we have some challenge with. Just kind of warming ourselves for that. I would love to hear your reflections or questions. As I wait, I hope you type or raise your hand. Oh here, Kevin, please.

Kevin: I realized that all the love that I'm hoping to receive, I can just give it to others. It's not like currency that you pass around or anything, it just comes from nowhere and you can just give it out.

Nikki: I feel touched and moved by what you just said, Kevin. To discover it's not a currency that you get and pass on, where there's a sense of, "Oh, I want love, I want to collect more." It just gets generated. There's plenty. You discover the bounty of your own heart. You have so much to give.

Kevin: What's interesting after that is I can try to look into where it is coming from, because it's already there. It's self-generated, right? There are so many different metaphors you can use for it. It's the love of the universe that you're kind of recycling. It's not really yours, it's just there. It's a fabric of the universe.

Nikki: Yes, there are so many ways you can feel into it. Lovely, thank you for sharing that, Kevin. That's great.

Here is a share from the chat: "I sent loving-kindness to the PBS NewsHour staff. I do not know them, but have become familiar in the last few years." I love it, it's so sweet. Thank you for that. That was very sweet.

Another share: "The idea of having tea with someone, even someone I don't know well, and being offered the space to tell my life story and have it be listened to and not judged, felt so revolutionary. It's so simple, and why not? But I'm so not conditioned to expect such a thing."

Thank you for that reflection. And to offer them the same space! Yes, exactly. Why not? It's profound how, when we give other people that kind of space, or offer that kind of space even in our imagination, things fall away.

Just to say, imagination here is so important. I could talk so long about imagination, but I'll just say a couple of things. One is from a hero of mine when I was a child, Albert Einstein^[4]: "Imagination is more important than knowledge." So imagination is really important.

And then just another quick thing from science: discoveries continue to show that what we imagine affects us. For example, there was a study I just heard about where if you imagine you're exercising, you actually burn more calories and your muscles kind of get exercised. There are a lot of studies on how imagining something—whether it's an interview or a sports event—prepares you for actually doing it. It's as if you're really doing it; your body can't quite discriminate between what you imagine and what is real. So we're preparing ourselves. When we're cultivating mettā, we're imagining ourselves giving space. It's not a way of willing it to happen. It's different from some beliefs where the idea is that whatever you imagine will magically happen. This is different; it's more about practicing. You're practicing what will become easy for you to actually do in the world.

And a reflection on YouTube from someone who said, "Very well said, Kevin." So thank you, Kevin. Your reflection was very helpful to others also.

Before you hop off, dear ones, if you think, "Okay, I'm going to hop off," I invite you to stretch yourself a little bit and see what happens. Stretch your heart. You've just been practicing in your imagination offering a safe space to others, and others offering a safe space to you. See what happens if you actually do it, if people offer you a safe space, and how revolutionary it can actually be not to be judged, and not to judge others, for just a six-minute interaction coming together. I really encourage you: if you have a commitment, it's all good, no judgment. But if you can stay and stretch yourself a little bit, please stay and participate in the breakout rooms, which we will get into in a moment. So, I am creating the rooms and opening them now. Here we go.

[Breakout rooms session]

Welcome back, everyone. The rooms are closed. We'd love to hear from you. We have just about a minute. I'd love to hear if you'd like to raise your hand. Okay, Neil, please.

Neil: It was a lovely meditation. In our group, we talked about how it feels odd, unusual, or uncomfortable to start to fill in a stranger's life. Somehow we're limiting who they are, or we're painting a picture of someone who doesn't exist. I'm just wondering what you think of that, and how to deal with it.

Nikki: I think here is how we're using this in a skillful way. Because there is so much about so many people that we don't know, we can't limit or fix someone. The complexity of their life is unfathomable, so we can't really know. To limit someone to what we imagine them to be, that's not the idea here. The idea here is that we're using our imagination to feel a sense of connection with a stranger that we probably would feel if we actually sat down, had a conversation, and really felt their humanity. We are using our imagination in order to support us with this cultivation. Stay clear that we're not fixing them in our imagination. Without trying to fix who they are, we allow them to be. Their life is so much more complex and rich, and our life is so much more complex than we can possibly imagine it to be. I don't know if this speaks to the crux of what you were trying to raise, Neil, about this distinction of what's skillful and what's not skillful. Tell me if there's something still remaining if I didn't get it quite right.

Neil: Maybe I just need more practice with it. One of the things I find I try to do is think very generically. "I'm sure they laugh, I'm sure they have stomachaches," and a whole bunch of really common things. I can relate to them without knowing why they're laughing. I'm sure they have joy at least some of the time, and I'm sure they have misery with stomachaches and bodily ailments. You mentioned picturing the worst time in your life. I had a kidney stone! I couldn't imagine them with a kidney stone, and it was unpleasant to even think of it as such.

Nikki: Yeah, exactly. I get the crux of it. Let me just say one more thing before we end. The reason for that suggestion is that when we keep it generic, our hearts, our minds, and our bodies may not quite connect with the common humanity, with what they share: "Just like me, the way I suffered." When I know intimately what an experience was, there's something about our felt experience that can make that sense of connection to another person light up more. That's the doorway we're trying to go through to feel that connection to the other person's common humanity. Otherwise, it can stay really generic. That study I mentioned about imagining a homeless person, and imagining what food they like. "Oh, imagine they like broccoli." There's a sense of connection; they're creating that sense of connection. That's the idea.

If, with generalities, you can have that sense of connection to them, then fine, maybe that's sufficient for you. But if you feel a connection with someone who has the same way of saying they love someone, or who has cried, or who has lost someone—if that's the way of entry, then I encourage you to explore that. I give you freedom. You figure out what works best for you, Neil.

Neil: Thank you.

Nikki: And dear ones, we have come to the end of yet another Happy Hour together. Thank you so much for showing up and for practicing, cultivating your heart, and giving it your best. May you be well. May you be safe. May you wake up. May all beings everywhere be well, happy, safe, and wake up completely. Thanks, everyone.