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Happy Hour: How May I Be of Benefit?

Introduction

Hello and welcome, everyone. Welcome to Happy Hour. Lovely to be with you and to practice together in this moment, whatever time zone you're joining in, and whether you're new to Happy Hour or you're an old-timer. For today's practice, I'd like to bring in a theme that is—so many favorite themes I have, but this one is a theme of service and how it relates to our attitude in daily interactions with people.

There are many ways we can show up in the world. A lot of times, maybe we show up, or we've noticed in the past we show up, or we still show up, or others show up, or human beings show up with this perspective of: "What can you do for me? What can I get from you?" Like, every interaction: "How can you satisfy my needs? How can you satisfy my needs to be seen, to be acknowledged, to be recognized, to be applauded, to be approved of? How can you satisfy my financial needs, my sexual needs?" Like, what can you give me? Just this extractive approach that we might recognize. It might be seen sometimes, it might be subtle.

What if—and this was really eye-opening to me years ago—we completely shift that? What if, in every interaction we have, there is a sense of: "What can I give? What can I give you? What can I support you with?" The answer that comes up might be kindness, maybe it's a smile, maybe it's a gift, or maybe just the stance of generosity of heart. But really the stance of: "What can I give you? What can I do for you? How can I serve you? How can I be of service?"

Somehow, maybe the words "to be of service," they sound grandiose and they sound big, but they need not be. It can just be dropped into the background of our minds. There are so many beautiful outcomes to this shift in perspective, because when our interactions with others and with the world become a matter of generosity, a matter of giving, a matter of service, it's not so much about us—about "me, me, me, me." And it can bring a lot of freedom.

Not to say, of course, there are needs that need to be satisfied—needs for shelter and food and taking care of oneself. Also, it doesn't mean that we invite people to walk over us. It doesn't mean any of that. Of course, one of the beings that we serve, if we're serving 360 degrees and caring 360 degrees, that includes ourselves. So, "How can I be of benefit? How can I be of benefit in this interaction? How can I be of benefit to this other being I'm interacting with, and also to myself?" Not in an extractive way, just an attitude of not being extractive, but one of generosity. That can make a huge shift.

Having been on this path, perhaps for some of you who have been practicing for a while, you've heard this teaching on not-self^[1] or impersonality. There are so many ways to have insight into that, to acknowledge that, and to manifest that. One way is: it's not about me. It's not about "me, me, me." It's a different interpretation. There are many different ways, not to say this is the only way or to limit ourselves to this vision. I'm not saying that at all.

But if we approach others, if we approach the way we show up in the world as a way of giving our gift of generosity—I'm just living for a short time, my life is a brief flash of light in the cosmic sense—what kind of gifts do I have to give? You can think of it as a legacy if that helps you. What do I have to give to this person in this moment? It might be the last moment I interact with them. I might be hit by a truck, get an aneurysm tomorrow. Life is so uncertain. What can I give? How can I serve?

So, having that attitude as a shift. Maybe I'll invite you to try that. Of course, we'll explore that in this guided meditation, but then as a weekly practice, as a daily life practice, to bring that into your mind when you're interacting with others, with yourself. It can really shift and it can also lighten a lot of suffering into freedom. Because if we're caught in "me, me, me, what am I lacking, what do I need?" instead this practice brings up a sense of abundance: "Gosh, I have so much to give actually." What does this person need? Maybe they need a patient ear right now. Maybe they just need me to be silent and not give advice, and just listen. Maybe that's the best thing I can give right now, not be a know-it-all, just offer them my presence. What can I give? Because sometimes also giving advice could be so that we feel good, we've done something, we feel smart. But anyway, there are so many ways that this attitude of service, of giving, can shift and conserve.

So I've said enough to set the frame, and I'll start the guided meditation together. It will be about 30 minutes, roughly.

Guided Meditation

Sit in a way that you can be comfortable, your back straight ideally. Lying down is okay as long as you don't fall asleep. As always, we start by landing^[2], connecting with the breath, with the body. Spend about ten minutes settling, and then I'll give some invitations to explore this practice of this attitude of service. Here we go.

Arriving. Arriving in the body. Arriving here, this moment. Letting go, releasing any tightness, any holding. Releasing thoughts. Not that there's anything wrong with thinking, but right now we release them. Release thoughts for the benefit of ourselves, to give our hearts to this practice in this moment. Turning away, giving up thoughts, turning towards this delicious seclusion of the mind. The stillness. It's so quiet and still in here, we just keep stirring it up. Turning our gaze inward.

Dropping, dropping your weight into your sit bones. Dropping your weight into your feet, into your legs. With the next out-breath, releasing, releasing into this body.

Letting awareness connect with the breath. In-breath, out-breath. Received, received sense of receptivity. This body knows how to breathe.

Receiving the breath, or let the breath be received. The entirety of the in-breath, the entirety of the out-breath in the abdomen, in the lower abdomen. Entirety of the in-breath, entirety of the out-breath^[3].

If thoughts arise, it's okay. It's alright. Let there be ease, gentleness. "It's okay, sweetheart," telling yourself, and release them. It's okay. It's alright.

Letting the breath be received. Nourishing, emptying. Gently, gently, like the waves of the ocean.

And as the breath is being breathed, being received, if you allow the breath to be breathed through the body, throughout the body, sensed as if your entire body is bellowing—not effortfully, but energetically. The depth of the breath, the length, doesn't have to change at all. It won't make it more forceful, and just be received naturally as it is, acknowledging that this breath is nourishing the whole body. It's the whole body breathing. Notice a sense of life and aliveness, a sense of aliveness that can bring feeling enlivened. Let this whole body breathing, let it enliven. Sense of aliveness, aspiration, inspiration.

And to awaken a sense of goodness, maybe in the area of the heart center. Aspiration, goodness. Here I am practicing, showing up as best as I can. Feeling goodness, sense of goodness. Generosity, kindness. That's your birthright. That's who you are internally. Breathing with, trusting in the goodness, in your own goodness, your innate goodness.

And let's bring to mind someone who's dear to you, who you have an easy relationship with. Could be a person, a pet, a child. See yourself in their presence, with the question in your heart: "How can I serve you? How can I be of service more generally?" And "How can I be of service?" could be of service to them, but also including the relationship. "How can I be of benefit?" includes them, the relationship, and includes you and this being who is you.

"How can I be of benefit? How can I be of service?" Just in your mind's eye, see yourself being there. There may not be any doing needed in the scenario, just feeling into the space. Don't ask the question desperately, either. Just drop it in as if you were taking a dropper of your favorite color and dropping it into your whole body, this attitude. Diffuse, but definitely here in your mind's eye, in your heart space. "How can I be of service? What can I give here? How can I be of benefit?"

Not necessarily looking for answers, but literally let there be this attitude, the spirit of asking the question. Notice how your mind, how your heart feels with this attitude of being of benefit. Is there more gladness, more happiness, more warmth, more care, more trust, more stability, strength?

Now, letting that go, maybe imagining yourself in the presence of others. Maybe those you work with if you work or volunteer, or a group, maybe family. A group that includes a mix of perhaps dear beings, neutral beings, maybe those who are challenging too. It's okay. Just a group. Imagine yourself—you can also simplify this if it gets too complicated, but in the space in your heart's mind, so you're just sitting, just taking a slice of time and silence. You're frozen. Taking the moment frozen in time, the question: "How can I be of benefit, all around, to everyone, myself included? How can I be of service? How can I be of benefit?"

Not thinking about it, just breathing, breathing with this aspiration through your heart center. "How can I be of benefit? My presence, my gifts." Maybe it's just a feeling of radiating kindness, radiating good will. "How can I be of benefit all around? How can I serve?"

And letting this go, letting that go in your mind's eye. Now if you like—you don't have to—but maybe there's one interaction that didn't quite go well, or maybe you felt like you had an extractive attitude interacting with someone in the recent past. If you like, if you wish, you can bring that up to awareness. And if you don't find anything, that's fine, just stay with one of the previous scenarios radiating kindness and service. But if there is something that felt like, "Just yeah, that attitude of mine wasn't very helpful for me, it caused suffering for me and others," bring this scenario to mind in your mind's eye. Imagine if in the midst of this exchange, interaction, you had an attitude of wanting to be of benefit, realizing you are an impermanent being. Every interaction is unique and it could be your last. If your attitude was one of service, being of benefit to yourself and others in the scenario, how would you have acted, perhaps? Not thinking too much, but just dropping this question in and seeing what arises. Maybe nothing arises. It's fine. Note the difference.

And dropping this scenario also. Let there be this living question: "How can I be of benefit? How can I serve others, the world, this being who is me? How can I be of service? This living, this precious human birth of mine, all these gifts that I have, all these opportunities. Yes, I do have challenges of course, everyone does. Of course I do. I have so many gifts, so much to give. How can I be of benefit in ways small or not so small?"

Radiating your goodness, letting your light shine. May all beings everywhere be safe. May all beings everywhere be happy. May all beings everywhere be healthy. May all beings everywhere be at ease. Wishing all beings well everywhere, may I serve well as best as I'm able to. May all beings everywhere, including myself, be free.

Thank you. Thanks everyone. Thanks for your practice.

Reflections and Q&A

So, "How can I be of service? How can I be of service?" We have a few minutes for reflections that might have come up from your practice. Questions, comments, anything is welcome. I'd like to invite you, if you haven't spoken recently in the group, you can raise your Zoom hand. I won't see your physical hand. Or you may also type in chat. If it's to everyone, then I'll read your name. If it's just to me, it'll be private. I'll just read your reflection. Is there anything that you noticed? Was there an aha moment for you, perhaps, you'd like to share?

Questioner: I'm not sure how to articulate this, but something about the difference between giving to please others, or fix things, or fulfill a need, versus really being receptive and responsive when you ask that question, "How can I be of service?" Like, that feels really different. I had an interaction today where I was just revisiting it in my head, and I was like, "Wow, if I had just paused and let myself sort of ask that question, I feel like I would have had a really different interaction." So it wasn't as much like a transactional, "What can I get from you?" but more like, "What can I give you to make you happy?" But that wasn't really what was needed, maybe.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, beautiful. Thank you. Thank you for that. I really appreciate you bringing more depth and nuance to this question, because it's not just extractive. It's also sometimes where I just want to give you what you want right now so that you don't bother me. Or there are some ways of giving which are not responsive, just as you were saying, that are reactive.

Questioner: Like, you might ask somebody, "What can I give you? How can I be of service?" And they'd say, "Oh, I need this specific thing." But that might not actually be what you have to offer, or that doesn't feel good for you to give.

Nikki Mirghafori: Right, exactly. And it also may not be a question that you know. "How can I be of benefit?" maybe that's a better question than this one. Or maybe "How can I be of service?" is not something that you necessarily ask them out loud, but it's what you're thinking yourself deeply. As a way of orienting you, that's more important. That inner orientation will determine the correct words to say outward, which might even be silence. But yeah, the internal orientation. Thank you. Thanks for that extra nuance and depth there. I appreciate it. Lovely.

Bill says, "Thank you Nikki, wonderful meditation." You're welcome. Thank you for your practice, Bill.

And here is a private reflection: "This practice was beautiful and also challenged me. For someone who struggles to identify and honor my own limits, it feels like a thin line between 'how can I be of service' and losing myself. Can you talk about wise discernment in this space?"

Yes, absolutely. Very important. And I was trying to bring that in also, but I'll speak to it more directly because it's very important. "How may I be of benefit? How may I be of service?" It needs to include you. It needs to include yourself. It needs to be 360 degrees. It's just like the practice of mettā^[4]. When we practice mettā, say we're radiating mettā, when it's radiating out of our chest, whom does it contact first? Well, it contacts us first. It brings us the goodness first, and then it's radiated out and touches all other human beings.

So there is the sense of, yes, this question of "How can I be of service? How can I be of benefit?" includes you. In Buddhism, there is the sense that you are as important as other beings. It's not a sense of sacrificing yourself. You are as worthy as everybody else. So, the sense of caring for yourself. Sometimes actually you might be asking yourself the question, "How can I be of benefit, sweetheart? How can I serve you? How can I love you better?"

And maybe if there are challenges with limits and honoring your own limits, it might be, if you wanted to engage in this practice, to actually step out of yourself for a moment. Imagine you and this other person in an interaction and say, "How can I serve these two people, one of them being myself, so that you are included in that care and that love?" Like, "Oh yeah, this is what serves both of them equally," as if they were twins. "How can I serve both of these?" Because sometimes if we have the perspective of just our bodies out of these eyes, the perspective can shift. But when we step out of ourselves and see the relationship, or ask, "How can I be of benefit to this relationship?" that could be one way to bring in wise discernment. Let me know in chat if that helps enough, or if there's more needed there. Okay, you're welcome. Great.

Questioner: Hi Nikki. Thank you for the meditation, that was really useful. It's my first time here, so thank you for the welcoming. Actually, the previous question resonated with me a lot, and the answer that you gave really helps me. When I was doing the meditation, my day was basically super busy at work, responding to a lot of requests, and I just felt like I needed to sit down, that's why I joined this meditation. When you guided me saying, "How can I be of service?", I thought about myself. "How can I get service for myself and what can I do?" Well, maybe what I did today was to make a decision and be here instead of spending this hour in front of my laptop doing work. So that's actually a concrete thing I did when I thought, "How can I be of service to myself?" Every time I want to make a decision and I think, "Am I hurting my limit?" or "Is it good for myself?" That has been really helpful. I just want to say that, and I feel better after doing this half an hour meditation. I feel more settled down. My question to you is, do you feel that's a good technique to just contemplate that, or do you have more concrete guidance in terms of how to think through things when I feel exactly like that?

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, this is great. I so appreciate your inner wisdom that decided, "Okay, how can I be of service? The best way I can be of service to everyone is to take care of me, this person who is me. I'm really stressed out, I've had a long, hard day, and the best way is to take care of me and sit and meditate and be in sangha^[5]." And yes, of course, that's supportive and beautiful. So you've interpreted this practice perfectly well. It includes you, and "How may I be of benefit? How may I be of service?" is towards yourself. In fact, when I was talking about being extractive, sometimes we're extractive towards ourselves. We're like, "Work hard, harder." Right? So it's just being of benefit. Beautiful, well done.

Questioner: So I did the right thing.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, yeah, beautiful.

Questioner: Thank you so much. Thank you.

Small Group Practice

Lovely. So dear ones, let's turn our attention now to practice together in small groups, and let's take this same attitude to small groups of roughly size three in small sangha. "How can I show up? How can I be of benefit to myself, to others?" And maybe being of benefit is just holding space for others and listening with kindness, with care. Maybe that's how we can be of benefit.

So in small groups, each person will speak from their experience only. You can say "pass" when it comes to you if you want to be silent, it's okay. Only speak from your own experience, not commenting, reflecting, or managing the group or other people's experience, or asking probing questions. Just from your own personal experience. The next person will speak from their own personal experience, and then the third person, and it will come back to you again. So each person will say one nugget and we'll go around a few times.

"How can I be of benefit? How can I serve?" Let that be like a mantra in the back of your head. You're not saying it out loud, but "How can I speak?" It's not about educating or impressing anyone, but "How can I share from my experience, just a few words if you wish, how this practice was for you?" The insights that came up for you often help others. They can have their ahas when they hear your aha, or when they hear your challenge: "Oh yes, yes, common humanity."

So with that spirit of kindness, we enter the space. Take care of yourself, take care of each other. In terms of order, you can go in reverse alphabetical order. I'm opening the rooms. Take good care. Here we go.

Conclusion

Welcome back everyone. The rooms are closed and we have come to the end. If there are any reflections which are very, very quick and you want to share, you can type them in chat and I'll read them quickly. But otherwise, yeah, we spent some lovely time with questions and reflections at the beginning. So maybe I'll formally close, and at the end I can stay a couple of minutes as we say our goodbyes.

So thank you all. May we all be of benefit. May we all serve well in all the ways that we're able to. May all beings be well, may all beings be free, including ourselves.

Thank you all. Take care.