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Connecting in Way that is Beneficial (3 of 5)

Introduction

It's quite something to be here with all these gizmos. There's always something, so my apologies—I know that there's a buzzing sound, but I'm not sure what I can do about it. I appreciate your forbearance, your stick-to-itiveness, and hanging in there. Thank you. Today, I have all these screens to look at, so I'm sorry if I'm looking away from the camera.

I wanted to talk more about this idea of connection. Of course, connection both to others and to ourselves is an integral part of practice. Yesterday, I spoke a little bit about connecting with others and being cognizant—being aware—of the influence that others have on us. Today, I'd like to talk a little bit about how we influence others, and the way that, through our connections with others, we might have an impact on them.

The Power of Speech

One obvious way we have an impact is with our speech. Those of you who are familiar with the Eightfold Path^[1] or some of the other Buddhist teachings know that there are a lot of teachings about speech. The Buddha recognized how powerful and influential it can be, whether we affect others directly by the actual words that we use, or maybe by the tone or the attitude that we use.

Even today, I would expand speech to include things that we write: bumper stickers, tattoos—there is probably a whole plethora of media in which we use language.

Many of you will be familiar with the guidelines the Buddha gave on speech. I'll mention them here, but I want to expand on them in a particular way. One guideline, of course, is to adhere to truthfulness; that is, to refrain from lying. For those of you who know the Five Precepts^[2], that is one of the precepts: to refrain from saying that which isn't true. Another guideline for speech is to promote friendliness, harmony, and concord. One of the skillful actions is to refrain from slander—saying negative, harmful things about another person.

Another guideline is to speak in a gentle, agreeable manner. That is to refrain from harsh speech. Often this is interpreted as not using profanity or any other language that would be inappropriate in some contexts. It's not just profanity per se, but what would be perceived as harsh, inappropriate, strong language that is generally deemed unusual or unhelpful.

Of course, we must aim to say what is factual, what is timely, and what is beneficial. So not only what is true and not slanderous, but we should refrain from frivolous speech. In the suttas^[3] (the discourses), there are these long lists of things to refrain from speaking about. A lot of it has to do with speculation. I don't know if we would use the word "frivolous," but sometimes it's about the weather, or—as it used to be here in the Bay Area—talking about the traffic. That's just a way of building social cohesion, so that is beneficial. That's not what's being pointed at.

Instead, it means refraining from talk that is not helpful for anyone. Keeping our speech timely and beneficial are qualities that are really worthwhile to spend a little time reflecting on.

Timeliness and Audience

I'd like to quote from a discourse that fleshes this out a little bit about what is timely and beneficial, in a way that you might find a little surprising. I'll say I found it surprising when I first read this, and then I really started to think about it, which helped me appreciate the wisdom of the Buddha.

Quoting a discourse attributed to the Buddha, he says a talk is inappropriate when it is addressed to these five types of persons. What five? (This is a common way to set up a list of things.) The Buddha continues:

"A talk on virtuous behavior is inappropriate to one devoid of virtue. A talk on faith is inappropriate to one devoid of faith. A talk on learning is inappropriate to one of little learning. A talk on generosity is inappropriate to a miser. A talk on wisdom is inappropriate for one devoid of wisdom, or for the unwise."

Then the Buddha continues, asking: why is a talk on virtuous behavior inappropriate to one devoid of virtue? When a talk on virtuous behavior is being given, a person devoid of virtue loses their temper, becomes irritated, hostile, and stubborn. They display anger, hatred, and bitterness. And why? Because they do not perceive that virtue in themselves and do not obtain the gladness and joy that is based upon it. Therefore, a talk on virtuous behavior is inappropriate to a person devoid of virtue.

This reasoning then goes through for all the other four factors. Wow, this is quite something! What is being pointed to here is not to try to convince somebody who already has one view, one stance, or one experience about the opposite. Because they get angry, they get stubborn, and they even get irritable, irritated, and hostile.

When I first read this, I thought to myself, "You know, this is true." We see this happening. Very often my mind is not changed when somebody is trying to convince me of something. When I've tried to convince others of things, they don't change their mind if I'm just trying to really push a point.

Applying Timeliness and Sensitivity

So then you might ask, "Well, when do we talk about virtue?" If we see somebody that's being unvirtuous, we might think that it's beneficial to let them know that this is how they should be behaving. But the way that I'm interpreting this is where the timely part of the sutta comes in—the timeliness of speech.

Chances are, there isn't a person who is one hundred percent without virtue. For example, there are times when they are talking to people they care about, maybe their parents, like their mother. When we see them doing this type of behavior or talking in such a way that shows some virtue—and I'm using virtue here as just a broad explanation for that which is wholesome, skillful, helpful, and which leads to greater freedom or is supportive of awakening—we can talk about virtuous behavior. When we see others already engaging in virtuous behavior, or when we see them speaking about something that is virtuous, it can be beneficial and supportive to speak on it. In that context, they're less likely to get hostile, stubborn, and angry.

Of course, this requires that if we want to connect with others in a way that is supportive both for them and for us—so that we don't get into an argument with bad feelings being generated—we must be sensitive to the context. Is this person in a place, in a setting, and in a mind state in which they can hear what we are saying?

In my view, we could expand this list. The Buddha lists these five things: virtuous behavior, faith, learning, generosity, and wisdom. But I think that we can expand this to include a sensitivity to the topics that we're speaking to others about. If we want to connect to others, as opposed to lecturing them or trying to convince them to change their minds, we can connect to ourselves and see: "Is this wish to speak right now the best time? Is this going to be helpful? Is this person able to hear it? Are they able to learn from it? Are they open to it?"

When we think about stories of the Buddha, we don't see him going around trying to change everybody's mind. Instead, he was inspiring. He was an exemplar, and people came to him. He had a good reputation, and people came to him with questions. He didn't actively go out knocking on doors, so to speak, trying to convert everybody. He had this recognition that when we try to talk to people about a topic to which they don't necessarily subscribe or have experience with, and they seem closed off and are not able to relax and be open to it, they do lose their temper, become irritated, hostile, and stubborn, and display anger, hatred, and bitterness.

The last part of the discourse says why: because they do not perceive that quality in themselves, and they don't have experience with the gladness and joy that is based upon it. They haven't experienced the good sensations and the good experiences that arise when we are filled with virtue, generosity, wisdom, learning, and faith. "Learning" in this case usually points to learning about the dharma^[4], things about cause and effect. "Faith" we can interpret as confidence—having seen that this path and this practice has some benefits, we gain confidence that it's worthwhile to continue.

Reflections for the Day

For today, what would it be like to give special attention to whether our speech, whether it's to others or to ourselves, is timely? Is it the right time to say these things? And is it beneficial? Is it supportive? Is it helpful?

This requires being sensitive to the context and being connected to what's happening here, both for ourselves and for others. This might require some restraint. We may have to hold back. Even though we feel like we want to say something, we might realize this probably isn't the best time, and this might not be helpful.

Then, notice how you feel speaking in these ways, with a sensitivity to timeliness and what is beneficial. Notice how your day unfolds. Notice how your relationships respond. By connecting to others in such a way that we support them—when we are sensitive and connected to the context and the setting—we can be part of this big movement towards making the world a better place.

In this way, we can be supporting not only ourselves but others. We are making a difference in their lives, and making a difference in our life, knowing that we're doing the best we can to be of help, to be of support, to be of service, and to be of benefit to ourselves and others, so that our practice can be for the benefit of all beings everywhere. Thank you.