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Guided Meditation

Bringing your awareness inward to the breath moving through your body. Moving through the abdomen. The entirety of the in-breath, the entirety of the out-breath. Aware.

And you don't need to make a project out of breathing; it happens on its own. It does not need to be effortful at all. Relax, soften the body. Let go of any tightness or tension and just receive the breath. Receive the entirety of the breath in your abdomen and your whole body. Let it be nourishing. Let it be soothing, calming, grounding.

Receiving the breath not as a forceful act, but as if each breath was a gift. The receiving of a gift of kindness that keeps this body alive, functioning. Relaxing, receiving each breath.

Then if thoughts arise, you notice the mind is now entangled in a plan for the future, a memory from the past. It's okay. It's all right. It's okay, no need for self-flagellation. Noticing what this thought, the scenario, the story is, and smilingly releasing. Releasing. "Thank you, but not now. I see you, but not now."

And inviting the simplicity of this present moment. Just sitting. The privilege of just sitting and being breathed. A moment of refuge. Taking refuge right here, right now.

Each moment a new arrival. Reconnecting with the breath in the abdomen, the lower abdomen, your whole body.

Spaciously, kindly. Feel like you can open also your sphere of awareness to include the sounds. The sound of silence in the room. The sound of my voice. The sound of your breathing. The noises that arise and pass. All the sounds. Spaciously, spaciously. Thoughts, too, are like sounds; they arise and pass. Just as we don't need to get entangled with every sound that arises and passes, every passing car, we don't need to get entangled with every thought that arises and passes.

Receiving, relaxing, receiving it all. Unmoved, upright, grounded, sitting like a tall mountain. Taking refuge in this moment, in your heart. The sound of silence.

Please experiment with wearing a smile and see how a smile can shift the space of your mind, your heart in this moment. Giving yourself kindness, the gift of a little smile. See how it might shift the landscape of your heart, your mind. The half-smile of the Buddha.

And as we bring the sitting period to a close, offering yourself a gift of kindness, appreciation for having showed up as well as you were able to. Not judging, comparing what happened or did not happen during the sit. Whether you were distracted, sleepy, or emotions were coming up, no problem. You planted seeds of presence, spaciousness, and now kindness. You did the best you could.

Appreciating your wholehearted intention, the goodness of your intention. And offering your goodness, trusting there is goodness here, co-created in this moment together. Offering our goodness, the merit of our practice to all beings everywhere as a gift. Wishing for all beings to be safe, happy, healthy, and have ease. May all beings everywhere be free, including ourselves.

The unexpected power of random acts of kindness

Good morning. It's good to be with you in person. As I was sitting this morning, the reflection came up for me that it's been two and a half years since I have sat here and taught in person. Two and a half years away! Where did that go? It seems like it was yesterday I was sitting here with people and teaching. So, just an appreciation. Just an appreciation of being back together in person.

It's also an appreciation for this miraculous human life. The mystery of it. Time passes, where did it go? It's always now, and we're often so caught up with what is happening in our minds, with the challenge we're dealing with. But it's the magnificence of it all. The chance of being human, being alive, having this precious human birth with all its difficulties and challenges. Such a gift to be human, to be with other human beings—even if they annoy us and push our buttons. What a gift, really. What a joy. Just really appreciating that.

For today's reflections, I wanted to talk about the unexpected power of random acts of kindness.

The Three Poisonous Roots

If you have listened to Buddhist talks before, you would have probably heard at some point about the three poisonous roots^[1] of unwholesome actions. The three poisonous roots being greed, hatred, and what's often translated as delusion, confusion, or ignorance—which is, by the way, the root of the other two.

Greed is pretty easy to understand: wanting more, grasping more and more. Hatred is easy to understand: pushing away, hating, ill will. And delusion or confusion often confuses people. Like, what is that? Deluded? Well, one way to understand it is not knowing any better. And not knowing any better not just with our minds, but with our hearts.

Another way I like to think of it is a cognitive bias in the most radical sense. In psychology, there is this idea of cognitive biases that we have. There's, for example, the recency bias: what has happened most recently, we think, "Oh yeah, yesterday I was sad. Oh, I'm just going to be sad for the rest of my life." You don't remember the last week you were really happy with joy. We have so many different biases psychologists have studied.

But I like to think of our cognitive bias, this delusion, as a radical, really the most fundamental perception bias: the perception that greed will make us happy, that hatred is a good thing or somehow it's going to make us happy. So really, the delusion or the confusion—which is the root of the other two—is this cognitive bias of not knowing what really makes us happy and what really serves, what really helps us wake up.

Another way to understand these three is by their opposites. In Pali^[2], the language of the Buddha, there's the prefix a- that is put in front of a word to become negative. So, greed (lobha); non-greed (alobha) is generosity, being the opposite of it. Hatred (dosa); the opposite of it is love, loving-kindness (adosa). And delusion or confusion (moha)—this cognitive bias of not knowing what leads to freedom, ease, and liberation—the opposite of confusion is wisdom (amoha).

To consider the remarks I'm going to offer today about random acts of kindness in this context: we have a cognitive bias, a serious delusion, of not knowing how much random acts of kindness actually help us in our liberation, in our freedom, in our happiness, and in the happiness of others. That's the framework.

Underestimating Our Impact

I will bring in a bunch of studies in my Dharma talk today, as I usually like to do, having a background as a scientist. Especially when there are studies that corroborate what we already know. To me, that is so interesting. To me, that is the Dharma, because Dharma is learning and studying the way things are, and science tries to do the same thing: discovering the way things are. So, finding a lot of confluence.

There has been a lot of research in the past many years done on how acts of kindness, practicing loving-kindness (mettā^[3]), and the Brahma-viharas^[4] (the four practices of the heart, compassion, etc.) lead to more happiness for us. When we become kinder, we become less stressed, in all the ways that these practices are good for us. I'm not going to go so much into that today because there's a lot there. What I want to focus on today is our underestimation of how much our small acts of kindness actually make an impact in the world.

Some new research has just been published which is so interesting. There was a recent article in The New York Times on September 2nd, the title of it being "The Unexpected Power of Random Acts of Kindness," that reported on this.

This paper was published recently in the Journal of Experimental Psychology. I love the title of this research paper: "A Little Good Goes an Unexpectedly Long Way: Underestimating the Positive Impact of Kindness on Recipients." I like the paper already.

The scientists did a bunch of different experiments. Their premise was that, yes, we know that performing an act of kindness already increases the happiness in the givers and receivers, but the givers systematically undervalue the positive impact on the recipients.

They set up these different experiments on a college campus. They hired students to offer classmates a ride from home to campus, bake cookies, or buy someone a cup of coffee. Everybody who did these acts of kindness filled out questionnaires, answering on a scale from zero (being really insignificant) to ten (being very large): "How do you predict that the recipient's mood would change? What kind of an impact did it have?" And also what impact it would have on their own mood. Consistently, people would underestimate the impact of these simple, random acts of kindness.

They did another experiment that is actually very interesting. They recruited 200 participants in Maggie Daley Park in Chicago. They had a control group of 50. These 50 people simply received a cupcake for being part of the experiment; for just showing up, they received a cupcake. Then they had another 50 people who did not receive a cupcake, but they rated how the people who received a cupcake would feel. It's a very sophisticated setup trying to figure out how people are estimating how other people feel about these impacts of kindness.

Then they had a third group of 50 that were told they could give a cupcake away to a stranger, and they were asked to rate both their own mood for doing this act of kindness as well as the recipient's mood for receiving the small gesture.

It turns out that the people who received the cupcake as a participant were impacted, but less than if they received a cupcake from a random stranger. Because if you received it as a random act of kindness, you felt, "Oh, somebody went out of their way to do something kind for me." So the impact of the random act of kindness is bigger, and consistently people underestimated how the recipient would feel receiving it. The people who received the random act of kindness considered the gesture to be significantly more meaningful because somebody did something nice for them.

The Liking Gap

We tend to underestimate the impact of our small, random acts of kindness on ourselves—how it actually improves our own happiness and well-being—and how it impacts others.

Researchers did a study on simple acts of connection, like texting your friend or picking up the phone for a simple call. They recruited thousands of people, making it a statistically significant study, and asked them to estimate the impact on the recipient. Then they asked the recipient how their mood shifted, how much they appreciated it, and how it brightened their day to receive this random text of "How are you? Thinking of you." We do this, but maybe we don't do it enough.

Again and again, statistically significantly, people underestimate how sending a text to a friend is going to have an impact. How it's going to improve their mood, make them happy, make them feel cared for, and increase that sense of connection. We have this radical cognitive bias, this radical delusion, about our impact on others. We don't really realize how powerful we are.

Some researchers think that maybe, for example in the case of reaching out to a friend, one reason for it is a "liking gap." We have this delusion or tendency to underestimate how well-liked we really are. "Do they really want to hear from us?" Take that in for a moment. This underestimation of how much people care about us and how happy they become when we reach out. Recognizing our power, not just with friends, but with the ripple effects in the world.

Speaking of texting, I recently had COVID a few weeks ago and I was quite sick. What a gift it was to be so sick, have a high fever, and have friends send texts and call: "Are you okay? What do you need?" Even if I was too tired and sick to respond to them right away, it was just this sense of connection, being cared for. Perhaps the friends who sent those messages didn't realize how meaningful that was for me. This sense of feeling held in mettā probably really helped me recover. "Oh yes, I'm not forgotten, people are texting, calling, asking." Let's not underestimate our power. Each and every single one of us has so much power of kindness.

The Power of Choice

There's so much that can be taken away from us. I'm thinking of those of you who might be familiar with Man's Search for Meaning, this amazing book written by Viktor Frankl^[5], a psychologist who survived the Holocaust. He wrote this book observing that so many people had so much taken away from them. They had their belongings taken away, their family, their friends. They had so much taken away, but the one thing that cannot be taken away from us is our choice.

It is our choice how we think, how we feel, and how we act in the world. Is it with more kindness, or is it with greed, hatred, and delusion? These choices cannot be taken away from us. All the things can be taken away, but the choice of how to be in the world, how to perceive, and how to act with kindness cannot be taken away from us.

The hope that the researchers have with this study, and that I have with bringing it up, is that by realizing and appreciating how much our acts of kindness actually make a difference for others, we become more open to exercising our powerful kindness.

I bet we have our own stories, every single one of us. In this New York Times article, it starts with a little story I'll read for you:

In late August, Erin Alexander, 57, sat in the parking lot of a Target store in Fairfield, California, and wept. Her sister-in-law had recently died, and Ms. Alexander was having a hard day. A barista working at the Starbucks inside the Target store was, too. The espresso machine had broken down and she was clearly stressed. Ms. Alexander, who had stopped crying and gone inside for some caffeine, smiled and ordered an iced green tea and told her to “hang in there.”

After picking up her order, she noticed a message on the cup. Erin, the barista, had scrawled next to a heart, "Your soul is golden."

“I’m not even sure I necessarily know what ‘your soul is golden’ means,” said Ms. Alexander, who laughed and cried while recalling the incident. But the warmth of that small and unexpected gesture from a stranger who had no inkling of what she was going through moved her deeply.

“Of course, I was still really sad,” Ms. Alexander said, “but that little thing made the rest of my day.”

How many of us have had our day made by a small random act of kindness? I know I have. So many stories, so many instances.

One just randomly came up for me. I remember some time ago I went to have my blood drawn. Having my blood drawn for a test is not my favorite thing in the world; I have to do it often and it just feels strange. The phlebotomist was so nice. He made my day. I was so happy; I didn't feel unhappy that I was sick. Coming out of having my blood drawn into lots of vials, I felt like I had been graced. I had been touched by grace with just this person being kind, going out of their way to make me feel comfortable. Everyday kindness can completely change people's lives.

There was another story I read some time ago about someone who was quite depressed and perhaps hanging on by a thread. They would go for a walk every day, and every day on their walk they would see a neighbor who would just give him a big bright smile. Later they reached out to the neighbor and said, "You know that big bright smile you gave me every day on my walks? It kept me going. That there was kindness in the world, that there is goodness in the world—that was the thread that kept me going."

We underestimate that. Science says with these studies we underestimate the impact we have on each other.

The Generosity of the Heart

We underestimate the gift we make for others, but we also underestimate how much of an impact it makes for us.

Another research paper I want to bring in is one by Professor Michael Norton from Harvard Business School. This was a 2008 study which showed up in Science magazine, and the title of this is "Spending Money on Others Promotes Happiness." Who would have thought, right?

It's a very interesting and sophisticated setup. What they find is that when they ask a group of students how much they think their happiness would increase if they spent a small amount of money (five dollars, twenty dollars) on themselves versus spending it on others, we have this delusion of thinking spending the money on ourselves makes us more happy. But sure enough, when you actually spend the money on others, it makes you happier than spending it on yourself. Of course, there is the self-care that we need to take care of ourselves, I'm not talking about that. But that extra level of, "Do I get myself a gift or somebody else a gift?" It turns out it makes us happier to be generous with others.

If you're feeling down, if you're feeling unhappy, the fastest way to get a jolt of joy and gladness is to do something nice for somebody else. If you're at home, if you're feeling unhappy or stressed—"Oh, poor me"—reach out. Take your phone, perhaps reach out to a friend. "How are you doing? I heard you were sick, or you're having a hard time." Reach out, do something kind for someone else. You're underestimating how happy it makes them, and you're underestimating how happy it will make you, increasing this sense of social connection.

I've been talking about loving-kindness today. It may not necessarily be just sitting on the cushion and wishing yourself well or wishing other people well—which is beautiful, loving-kindness is a wonderful practice. Some people say, "Well, I don't have the time to sit on the cushion and practice loving-kindness." No problem, go out into the world. You have so many opportunities to be kind with random acts of kindness.

I saw this fun one: a grandma in Tampa, Florida, started a "Smile and Wave Challenge" on Nextdoor, the community forum app for neighborhoods. She got the whole neighborhood to just smile and wave at everyone you see. She got about 75 percent of people to smile and wave back, and she wanted the help of everybody else in the neighborhood to reach that other 25 percent. She had a nice quote: "If someone doesn't have a smile, then give them yours." Especially nowadays. If someone doesn't have a smile, give them yours.

We underestimate our power for good. No need to ever feel powerless. You're underestimating your power, your impact, your likability.

The Buddha says in the Itivuttaka^[6]: "If beings knew, as I know, the fruits of sharing gifts, they would not enjoy their use without sharing them, nor would the taint of stinginess obsess the heart. Even if it were their last bit, their last morsel of food, they would not enjoy its use without sharing it, if there was someone else to share it with."

Kindness, loving-kindness, is intertwined with generosity in Buddhism. Really, it's the generosity of the heart. Every single one of us has so much to share. This idea of random acts of kindness doesn't mean you have to go learn how to bake cookies or buy everybody coffee. Whatever is already part of your wheelhouse, what you naturally do. If you love baking cookies, sure, please do that. But maybe you have the skill of listening, or reaching out. Whatever you already have in your bag of skills, that's what you can be generous with. You can be kind with it. You can have an impact. You are already so wealthy in the ways that you can be kind.

In the sutta of a person of integrity's gifts^[7], the Buddha says there are five ways a person of integrity gives a gift. What are those five?

1. A person of integrity gives a gift with a sense of conviction.
2. A person of integrity gives a gift attentively. If you're giving someone a gift, you don't give them a gift looking elsewhere, offering it with just one hand. You look at them, you give it attentively. There is a way to honor another with an act of kindness or generosity.
3. A person of integrity gives a gift in season.
4. A person of integrity gives a gift with an empathetic heart.
5. A person of integrity gives a gift without adversely affecting themselves or others.

This last point is interesting. An act of generosity and kindness ought not to adversely affect oneself and others. Keep that in mind.

Dwelling of the Holy

I want to close with a poem by Danusha Laméris. It's called Small Kindnesses.

I’ve been thinking about the way, when you walk down a crowded aisle, people pull in their legs to let you by. Or how strangers still say “bless you” when someone sneezes, a leftover from the Bubonic plague. “Don’t die,” we are saying. And sometimes, when you spill lemons from your grocery bag, someone else will help you pick them up. Mostly, we don’t want to harm each other. We want to be handed our cup of coffee hot, and to say thank you to the person handing it. To smile at them and for them to smile back. For the waitress to call us honey when she sets down the bowl of clam chowder, and for the driver in the red pick-up truck to let us pass. We have so little of each other, now. So far from tribe and fire. Only these brief moments of exchange. What if they are the true dwelling of the holy, these fleeting temples we make together when we say, “Here, have my seat,” “Go ahead—you first,” “I like your hat.”

What if these brief moments of exchange are the true dwellings of the holy? These fleeting temples we make together. We can all make them together.

And a last quote from Helen Keller: "Believe, when you are most unhappy, that there is something for you to do in the world. So long as you can sweeten another's pain, life is not in vain."

Let's just sit together for a minute. Let the words settle.

[Silence]

Thank you all for your kind attention. Let us make today a random act of kindness day, both all of us here together in this hall and all of you on YouTube. Let's together have the ripples in the world of random acts of kindness.

Take care. Be well. Be kind.