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Introduction

Hello, everybody. Kelly in San Mateo, hi Kelly. Fred in Oakland, hi Fred. Steven in Houston, hi Steve. Hi Mark in Sequim. Hi, it's Dan in New York, welcome. Nick in Berkeley, hi Nick, welcome.

I see a bunch of hellos now that I've started the YouTube stream. I see Bill is saying hello from Dallas, and Maury. Christine says hooroo from Australia, good afternoon to you both. Larry from Seattle. Hi from Claire in Los Gatos. Michelle in Ecuador, hi. We're definitely international, lots of time zones, so sweet. Ozil from Chicagoland. Neda from Redwood City, hi Neda and welcome. Amy from Oahu, hi Amy. Hugh from San Diego. Jill from San Luis. Lots of hellos, and also welcoming our friends on YouTube who are just joining.

Okay, the sangha has assembled and the space has been warmed. We all are here. So, let's get started. I am going to ask you all to mute yourselves if you are already unmuted. I will also change the settings so that accidental unmuting will not be possible; the space will stay quiet. Thank you, Neil, for posting information about the Happy Hour Google Group. If you're new to Happy Hour, the Google Group is a nice way to keep connected, and also that's where you receive the resources, quotes, and all of that. I changed the settings so that the chat will stay quiet also. You can still send me a chat, but please don't unless it's an emergency like my sound drops out. It can be very distracting to get chats while I teach. Let's save all that for the very end. I thank you for that. And last but not least, let's turn on recording for the sake of AudioDharma.

Happy Hour: Listening Through the Conch Shell of Compassion

Hello and welcome, dear friends. It's lovely to be with you and practice together, all of us coming together from different places in the world. For today's practice, what I would like to invite us to consider is how compassion, how suffering, how challenges, how ouches are both personal and also impersonal.

I was having a conversation earlier today with a practitioner that has been inspiring to me, so I wanted to share these images and ideas with you. A lot of times, our confusion, our sorrow, our pain, or those of others can feel so personal. Our "I'm sorries," like, "Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry. Ouch." Or the "I'm sorries" that other people have for us. "I'm sorry I didn't treat you the way I would have liked to treat you. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." Or maybe the "I'm sorry" is that we have the sorrows that we have. "I'm sorry that I wasn't the person I wanted to be or show up the way I wanted to. I'm sorry for myself or for others." These expressions of regret can turn into shame.

What if we heard—what if we really allowed ourselves to perceive and hear—these expressions of "I'm sorry," whether it's for ourselves or others, as an expression of sorrow? Not one of shame or blame, but an expression of sorrow, sadness, and suffering. And what if we listened to it with the ear of Kuan Yin^[1], the ear of compassion? It is said that Kuan Yin, this embodiment, this paragon of compassion, listens to all the cries of the world, all the sorrows of the world.

What if you had this image of, say, a conch shell, and listening... You know the way it seems like when you listen to a conch shell, you hear the sound of the sea, you hear the sound of the ocean? You're listening to all the sorrows, all the "I'm sorries," both yours and others, all of humanity's. You're hearing both how personal these sorrows are, the "I'm sorries," and also how universal the human condition is, how challenging it is to be human.

We can't be perfect. None of us. We all make mistakes, everyone—ourselves, others. Mistakes we've made for ourselves, we've let ourselves down, we've let others down. Other people might have let us down. Listening to all these sorrows, all these stories, all these "I'm sorries," through this conch shell with the ear of compassion, as if the Buddha or Kuan Yin. In this way, hearing the impersonality, the personhood, the particularities, as well as the universalities, not taking it so personally. Ah, the heart can relax. The heart can relax when we realize that this is part of the human condition. These sorrows, "I'm sorries," are part of the human condition, and that can open up our heart to compassion and care for ourselves, for others, wherever it's needed. It's the human condition after all.

Do we know a single person who's never been sorry, who's never made a mistake? No, of course not. That's preposterous, right? What a silly question is she asking? Of course. But often we think we're the only person. "Oh my goodness, I'm the only person!" Or, if there is a mistake somebody else has made, "Oh, it's just this relationship that's entangled."

So that is the basis of the guided meditation I like to offer tonight, which is both recognizing the humanity, the particularities, as well as the human condition in all the sorrows, all the "I'm sorries." Becoming sorrows deserving of compassion, not shame, not finger-pointing. Wherever there is a sorrow, the right answer is compassion. The self of compassion. I think I have said enough, so I'd like to invite us into a guided meditation. Whether you're new or you've been practicing for a while, all you need to know will be shared with you.

Guided Meditation

Let your heart relax. I'd like to invite you to get into your meditation posture, whether you're sitting, whether you're lying down, standing.

Landing. Arriving in this moment. Arriving here.

Here.

In this body, however the body is.

Inviting the heart to relax. Inviting the body to relax. Being gentle.

A time to take refuge.

In ease and care, not setting too many expectations up. And after a lot of expectations, be kind to yourself. Dear soldier, if you expect yourself to march on... with compassion, have humor. A humor of gentleness.

Ah, connecting with this body. The sensations of sitting, first and foremost.

Connecting to the body. Feeling your feet. You're sitting in a chair at the bottom of your feet. If you're on a cushion, your legs connected to the earth.

Aha. Rest for... oh dear earth, dear earth.

Let yourself, your feet relish this connection. The richness of the sensations in this moment. There's a whole world of sensations greeting you.

Inviting you to luxuriate in this connection, this sense of connection to the earth. As if this is the most important thing. No need to move on. As if your feet, your legs are giving praise, thanking the earth for holding them, for holding you.

This is it.

And let your weight also be released onto your sit bones. The entire weight of your upper body, your eyes, your forehead, your jaw, back and shoulders, hands, arms releasing.

Ah.

Nowhere to go, nothing to do in this moment. You are home.

Home in this body.

Feeling the breath. Welcoming the breath like a soothing lullaby. The abdomen. The sit bones, your legs, your feet.

This in-breath. This out-breath.

And let's spend just a few minutes to till the soil with the breath, in this body, to settle, to arrive even more, before we turn our hearts to the practice of compassion.

If your mind is wandering with thoughts, it's okay. Know that this is part of the human condition. Minds wander. Can you be kind to this mind? Oh, dear mind. Like so many other minds.

Releasing gently, the thought balloon. Letting there be another minute. Calm, spacious, settling.

Now I'd like to invite you, if you want to continue to stay in the body connected with the breath. Feeling your abdomen. Let yourself feel in your body, not in your head. Let there be a felt sense of maybe something that the words or the feeling of regret, or the words "I'm sorry," has come up for yourself. Maybe there's something you really wanted to get done today or the past week and you're just not getting to it. So there's a sense of, "Oh sweetheart, this being, it was me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I know this is important to you."

It could be anything else.

Offering this "I'm sorry" gently to yourself.

Letting yourself feel maybe the ouch or the sorrow. Sorry, sorrow and sorry. Not in the form of shame or blame, but... ah, this too is true.

The river, the ocean of the human condition. It's not always the way we want it to be.

What if you're listening to it? Listening to this "I'm sorry" that you've offered yourself through this conch shell. Listening to all the "I'm sorries," the sorrows of humanity. All the beings who are in the same situation or have been. Numerous.

Part of the human condition.

It almost... some of you might feel joyful. It's like music. Oh, this is part of the music of being human. It's not that heavy or morose. It's just part of being human.

My voice added to so many. Listening to it as if Kuan Yin, the Buddha was listening.

Taking heart. Taking heart that you too, you're part of this amazing, mysterious ocean of humanity. You're not separate. You are uniquely you, and yet so human. See if your heart can open. Can open to holding, to hearing this with kindness.

Maybe forgiveness, if it's needed, it's available. Maybe a sense of strength, it's not just you. No need for shame or blame. Sense of power, strength in recognizing your rightful place.

It's okay. You're fully human. Fully beautiful, fully imperfect. It's okay.

You're doing the best you can. And you've done the best you can given all the causes and conditions of your unique humanity. Could it have been any different? It would have been.

Each breath. Letting there be ease, care, warm-heartedness for yourself, this ocean of humanity.

And now if you like, you can stay with yourself for the rest of the time. If this being who is you needs the most holding, compassionate bearing witness today.

For those of you who like to offer some bearing witness to someone else in your life who recently might have offered you an "I'm sorry," you can listen and follow these suggestions. Invitations to bring someone to mind. Who maybe recently offered "I'm sorry" in words or in actions to you.

Again, not going to the most difficult, challenging person or situation. Something a little lighter that is not going to unsettle you in this moment. This is a gradual practice. Easier, later to more challenging.

Don't choose something easy. Let yourself shift again, picking up the conch shell. Listening to "I'm sorry," this expression of sorrow, sadness. That they didn't live up to their values, who they want to be, the care they have for you, the respect they have for themselves.

As much as possible, listening with the ears of compassion, the ears of Kuan Yin or the Buddha. This "I'm sorry," this expression of sorrow, both uniquely theirs offered to you, and one of the sounds in the ocean of humanity. Ocean sounds.

We are not perfect. We do our best. We often fail.

Is it appropriate in this case, especially if the person who's offered the words "I'm sorry" has a lot of shame or guilt? Offering them this gift of hearing them out, listening to them with the ears of Kuan Yin, the ears of a compassionate being. Especially if it's someone we care about.

Maybe in this way of hearing, we offer it back to them. It's a different way of being in the world. Not with so much shame or blame, but taking heart. Trying, failing, learning, forgiving, and trying again.

And for the last minutes of this practice period, picking the proverbial conch shell again and listening to all the "I'm sorries," the sorrows. Yours included. The sound of the ocean of humanity, as well as the other person you thought about. All of them.

So many intentions, expressions of goodness. Imperfections, imperfect causes and conditions. Listening to it all as if Kuan Yin, heart of compassion listening to the cries of the world. Tenderness with appreciation. The sound of the ocean is like this. To be human. Your joys also, ten thousand joys, ten thousand sorrows. It's like this, being human.

It's heartbreaking and it's beautiful at the same time.

This kind of listening, bearing witness can extend our capacity. Capacity of our heart for ourselves, for others, for all beings.

How mysterious and amazing to be human. To hold witness, be conscious, contain infinitudes. More than we realize we are capable of. Offering our ear, our heart to the world, to ourselves, to others as a gift of kindness. As much as available.

May all beings everywhere, including ourselves, know the goodness of their uniqueness, and that whatever they're going through is a part of being human. Part of being alive, conscious in this mystery.

May all beings everywhere wake up. Their eyes opening up, their ears opening up to beyond the little shell of their own life to how magnificent it is to be. To be swimming, to be a drop in the ocean of humanity.

Thank you all. Thank you for your practice, for picking up the conch shells, listening to yourselves, others, all of humanity.

Reflections and Q&A

So we have some time for reflections. If you'd like to share, you can raise your Zoom hand, or you can type in chat. If it's just to me, it'll be private; I won't read your name, just your reflection. If it's typed to everyone, I'll read your name also.

Jamie, please.

Jamie: Yeah, um, for some reason, I just got really locked into imagining people in marginalized groups or who have experienced trauma, who have been conditioned to feel sorry not for what they've done, but for who they are. And I felt anger, but some of it was directed at the members of that group. You know, it's like I wanted to say, "You matter," but it felt like anger. I'm just wondering if you can comment on people in those categories.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, thank you for sharing that. Thank you for what came up for you, Jamie. Something that I'm hearing actually here, and what's come up is I would turn the compassion first towards yourself, because in what you're describing, you're the angry one, right? It's the projection of anger. It is said that anger is like picking up a hot coal; you're the one burning clearly here. So that's the first thing to notice. Ouch. There's suffering here. Ouch, there's suffering here.

When the mind gets off-kilter with anger in this way, there isn't enough balance to offer the listening ear or even any support, or the wise action. What would be the wise action you would take in the real situation, not just in your meditation, but in the real world if you are having actual interactions? What you're hearing, which I'm taking has inspired what came up in your meditation, to actually take the appropriate steps, the appropriate responses, not being locked into this anger. How does that land?

Jamie: No, thank you, and you just helped me see where that came from actually. I need a little Upekkhā^[2] practice, I think, because it's someone who really matters to me who has experienced some unfortunate things in her life. I took it on in a way where when she didn't change because I wanted her to, I was frustrated with her. So I think that's a carryover. But thank you, starting with compassion for myself always seems to help.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, brilliant. I appreciate the light bulb going off and supporting the person. Because through your equanimity, then you can actually, through conversations and your listening ear, bear witness and let them see through your reflection, your mirror, that them blaming themselves is not the solution here. There's more I can say, but I think that you can support them more by bearing witness actually. Thank you for that.

Any other reflections? You can also type them in chat either to me privately or to the whole group.

Don.

Don: Thank you so much. Two things came up. At one point you said, "This is it." It is very evocative for me, and it's motivating in a way. It's like, this is it. And the other thing is, I think myself and no doubt others are often at war with ourselves. I'm sort of interested in thoughts on a practice to—I'm sort of thinking, okay, I'll try to practice for six months or a year, or just sort of try to melt this a little bit. There's no doubt different ways to do this. One book that comes to mind, I think it's called Good Morning, I Love You^[3]. The author of the book pretty much said, "I didn't believe this at all," and it's sort of a "fake it until she made it" kind of thing. Anyway, I'm interested in your thoughts on that.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, there's a lot in what you're saying, Don. It's the faking it until you become it, that's the other thing I like actually. It's like, until you actually become it, you practice it. And yes, definitely there is this... I think I've said that before, that I dedicated about a year of my practice, primary practice, to Mettā^[4] and Compassion, and it was a beautiful, wonderful year.

I do recommend that to people actually, a certain amount of time to just dedicate themselves to this practice and see the potential of it. Being locked into just so many different states, to so many different perspectives. Instead of... you know it doesn't happen overnight, but little by little by little. Basically, I'm offering encouragement if you feel called to do this, absolutely. Daily, yeah. In daily life and in sitting practice. Thank you.

Let's see. One request from one of the members: "If folks want to walk around and otherwise move around a lot, maybe they could turn off their camera, please." Yes. So, yes please. If you're about to move a lot on Zoom, some people can get a headache. I think it would be wise to turn it off, and after you've settled, turn it on again as a way of kindness, offering kindness to others.

Who is the author of the book Don mentioned? Don, that is a question for you if you would kindly put that in chat while I create the breakout rooms.

The breakout rooms are a size of three roughly, and the invitation always is to just share something from your own experience. Not managing or handling other people's experience, just saying something that you want to say from your own practice. You offer one nugget, somebody else will offer another nugget, and then another person another nugget, and they'll go round and round a few times. And be kind. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others.

I still haven't seen Don's answer... maybe when we come back from the groups, Don will have that information, or I'm sure we can find that by googling it also. If it's not here in the chat, no problem. All right, I'm going to create the rooms.

Ah, there it is. Shauna Shapiro, Good Morning, I Love You. Great, thanks. So I'm going to open the rooms. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other. Again, just speaking from your own experience, not managing or asking questions from others. And if it comes to their turn and they just want to hold silent witness, offer compassion and kindness, that's perfectly fine. Always have the conch shell of compassion for yourself and each other available tonight. Okay, here we go. Opening the rooms.

[Breakout rooms commence...]

Okay, waiting for everyone to come back. And the rooms are closed, everybody's back. We just have about a minute left. Are there any questions, comments burning to be witnessed, to be expressed? Please raise your hand or write it in chat. Anything you noticed, any gift to offer to others, "aha" moment? Serena.

Serena: Oh, thank you. What arose for me was that I can have compassion for someone's "I'm sorry," but there's also the case of the "sorry" not being the kind of "sorry" that is transformative, but a quick way to try to eliminate the problem they have caused.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, I hear you. I knew that was going to come up when I was giving the instructions, so I was trying to... yeah, let me say something very quick about that. It's really the difference between an authentic and inauthentic "sorry" that you're bringing up. I was trying to be careful in the guided meditation to say we're not talking about the inauthentic ones, like, "Well, I'm sorry." Like, that wasn't a part of this guided meditation. I completely... it was more about the blame and shame that some people have, like, "I'm so sorry, I really messed up." That's what this was about. Yeah. So thank you for bringing that up.

Serena: Okay, thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you. Thank you all for your practice, for your sincerity, for your working with us and picking up the conch shell to listen to yourself and other beings. May all beings be well. May all beings be free, including ourselves. Thank you all, and now...