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Happy Hour: Gratitude in Challenging Times

Welcome to Happy Hour. The theme for tonight that was coming up for me—I mean, there are so many supportive things in the realm and the range of brahma viharas^[1] and practices of the heart that can be particularly supportive at this time. One theme that has been coming up for me is the practice of gratitude. Gratitude during hard times might seem like an oxymoron. How can you be grateful when things are hard? But actually, with a sense of gratitude, we can support ourselves in challenging times. No matter how challenging things might be, there is always so much to be grateful for. Or rather, there's something to be grateful for. If our imagination, if our perspective is only stuck in what is challenging and difficult, then we miss what is supportive, what is good, what is nourishing.

Just to be clear, the idea of gratitude during hard times is not about condoning it. It's not about being pollyannish and saying, "Oh, everything is fine. I have to be grateful. I'm going to be grateful." It's not about that at all. It's about acknowledging what is challenging, but balancing that, or at least not losing sight of what is also good.

As I've shared before during Happy Hour, and many times as I like to share, is the understanding and the acknowledgment really in ourselves that as human beings we have a negativity bias. Every single one of us has a negativity bias; it's just the way we run as humans. It's completely understandable evolutionarily. If humans did not have a negativity bias, if they paid more attention to the berries instead of the tiger, they wouldn't live long enough—the tiger would get them. They wouldn't live long enough to pass down their genes. So they had to have a negativity bias, be really aware of their environment, and be very concerned about the dangers and negativities in the environment more than the positive signals. Because if you missed the berry one day, you'll probably get some more berries tomorrow. Your stomach might be hungry and noisy for a few days, but you won't die. You will live long enough to pass down your genes. So guess who passed down their genes? Those who had a negativity bias and really paid attention to the negative, and not so much to what's positive and good in the environment.

If you find in your own state of mind that you get much more affected by bad news, that you get much more affected by what is challenging in your life and lose your balance at the thought of any difficulty, and what you find yourself ruminating about all day perhaps are not the good things that are happening in your life right now, but really all the things that you are worried about, all the negative aspects and issues in your life—if you find that to be true for yourself, raise your hand. Maybe I can see the hands raised on Zoom. Yeah, of course, because you're human beings. It's a part of being human. That's what happens. If you're not noticing that, either you're completely enlightened—in which case, would you like to teach a class?—or you may not be noticing what your mind is actually doing throughout the day. Maybe you're so checked out that you're not even knowing to think what's happening. Or you are somewhere in the middle.

I'm, of course, being a little facetious, but the reason why I'm putting it this way is so that, number one, we don't self-flagellate. We don't think, "I keep worrying and I keep losing my balance, there's something wrong with me, and everybody has their stuff together, it's just me." Guess what? It's not just you. This is part of our human condition, our gift, the legacy of being human. I say this so that you can relax and not self-flagellate for your self-flagellation. Finding at least one level of relaxation and ease, however much ease we can have in this body and mind, is a wonderful place to start.

The other reason why I'm bringing this in and pointing it out is for us to acknowledge that this is how our minds work. We are not so much in control as we feel. We feel in control, but we actually have less control than we realize over this mind and body. We've essentially been dropped into this being without any owner's manuals, just, "Okay, go figure it all out." And one thing that we know about this body and mind is that it has a negativity bias. If you bought a car, or were given a car, and were told, "Well, it tends to pull to the left," what would you do? You would intentionally pull towards the right a little bit to balance, wouldn't you? That would make sense, otherwise you would keep going left and you would end up in the ditch. Having this knowledge, having this information, can support us.

With knowing that, actually bringing in the good, contemplating goodness and gratitude, is an act of supporting ourselves and bringing ourselves back to balance. It's not about being pollyannish; it's about being balanced so that we can be more available for ourselves. We can be more available for others when we are balanced. That is the position from which we can show up fully, take on more challenges, and be more compassionate, kind, loving, and resilient—both for our own sake and the sake of everyone whose life we touch. We do this work not just for ourselves, but for everyone whom we care about, and even people we don't know, because this will affect them too. That's part of a longer talk, but I'll keep it short.

The last thing I want to say before getting started is that you don't have to be grateful. This is not a practice of "shoulding" at all. As I guide us in this practice, if at any moment there is resistance, that's perfectly fine. Don't "should" yourself into positivity. If there is something that's really heavy, as long as you are with it and really face it with honesty, openness, and acceptance, then you're doing this practice great. Don't try to force positivity, gladness, or gratitude. That's actually the perfect way for it to backfire and make you even more miserable. There are studies about forced happiness that actually make us more miserable. So this is not a forced practice; it's an invitation. Throughout the guided meditation, I will be giving invitations. If you like to accept the invitation, great. If you don't want to accept the invitation in that moment, or there is resistance, great—just be curious and see what comes up in your heart and mind.

With all that, let's get comfortable on our cushion or in our chair. See what your body needs so that you can sit comfortably.

Guided Meditation

Bringing awareness to this body. Letting your body relax. Letting your body soften and arrive. As if your body was a block of ice, let it melt. Let your body feel heavy, starting with your hands. Feel a sense of heaviness and ease, giving up any tension in your hands. Similarly with your arms, letting your whole arm and shoulders be heavy, offering up tension. Letting your neck and the muscles of your face feel heavy. Allow your eyes to rest back in their sockets. Feel relaxed, let your forehead be relaxed, pulled down by gravity, letting go of its weight. You can put down the mask that you usually wear on your face—a smile or whatever it might be. Just let the whole face relax and soften. Relaxing and softening the chest and the abdomen. Let your whole trunk feel heavy, landing in your sit bones. Let your upper legs, lower legs, and feet feel heavy and relaxed, letting go of any tension they're holding.

Allow your entire body to feel heavy, letting go of any tension or holding. Letting gravity pull down any tension, any tightness in your head, face, shoulders, neck, arms, hands, chest, abdomen, sit bones, upper and lower legs, and feet. The entire body. See if there's anywhere the tension has crept in and relax some more.

As your body relaxes more and is with ease, feel the breath moving through the body. Feel the in-breath and the out-breath, softening and relaxing with each out-breath, landing more deeply in this body. Feeling the sense of being in this body more and more. What is it like in this breath? What does this in-breath feel like? What does this out-breath, relaxing and softening, feel like? What does right here feel like?

Not the last breath, not the next one. Right here, right now, feeling the immediacy of this moment. Just sitting and breathing for a moment. If thoughts or worries arise, it's okay. You're not doing this practice wrong; it's quite natural and normal while we're trying to settle and soothe the mind. It's okay to just turn to them smilingly and say, "Not now, thank you. Come back later, please." Noticing what the mind is resting on, however so gently, playfully, laughingly, inviting your awareness and attention to come back to the body, relaxed and soft, to the breath. This moment feels enough. Just sitting, relaxed, soft. Ah. Just sitting and breathing, taking refuge in this moment's simplicity. Nothing more is needed. Nothing needs to be different. Even if distractions are arising, it's okay. Embracing, opening up wholeheartedly to the perfection of this moment exactly as it is. Not needing it to be any different.

Taking a few minutes to just enjoy sitting and breathing. The simplicity of this radical act in this busy, crazy world. Knowing you can be content to simply be, sit, and breathe. Now let go.

You are welcome to continue. Just be aware of the breath and the body breathing, with a sense of contentment, as much as is available. Even if there are a lot of thoughts or sleepiness, have a sense of ease with whatever is arising. Conditions don't have to be perfect, whatever that is, but see if there can be a sense of contentment—just a tiny bit of contentment with this moment exactly as it is, whatever it is. And don't look for it too hard. "Contentment" is a big word. It can just show up as a sense of ease or a smile. Just a sense of comfort in your body, or calm. There are so many different ways it can show up. Or it can show up as gladness. Maybe it shows up as gratitude in this moment, right here, for whatever is happening.

Now I'd like to invite you, if you like, as you're continuing to sit, be aware of your body breathing, and maybe some level of more ease in your body or more settling that might be available right now. Maybe a sense of ease with a distracted mind, or ease with sleepiness, or ease with pain. See if there is something that comes to your mind. Don't push it, but is there something that brings up a sense of appreciation and gratitude? It might be that you're feeling grateful that you're not beating yourself over the head for your mind being distracted. Maybe at times during meditation you have thought, "I can't do this, I'm terrible," and you have unleashed challenging words on yourself. But now there's a sense of ease knowing that this is what minds do: they wander around. So there is more ease. Ah, you're not beating yourself up. This ease brings gratitude. This newfound perspective, maturity, wisdom, and growth in practice doesn't mean that we always do it perfectly right—whatever "right" is—but that we have more ease with the circumstances of our life, our heart, and our mind. So if that is arising, maybe that gives rise to some gratitude for yourself, for all the causes and conditions that have brought you to this point. Oh, more maturity, a new way of being, a way of showing up.

I like to invite you again—don't push it. If any of these invitations don't work for you, just stay with the breath and the body. Now the invitation is to bring to mind if today, or in the past few days, someone has offered you support in thoughts, words, or action. They have extended kindness or support, and you have felt supported by them in some way. Maybe bring their image to mind, their felt sense. Perhaps, if it feels right for you, thank them in your heart for their kindness. In your mind's eye, let them feel how grateful and appreciative you are, and what a difference it's made for you.

Now, if you like, you can bow in your heart to this being. Choose someone else whom you have felt supported by in some way. It might have been a direct interaction, though maybe they don't even know that you felt supported by them. Express your appreciation in your heart as if you could communicate without words. Let them really feel how significant their action, their words, their thoughts have been for you. Really have them grok it, get it in your mind's eye. Bowing to that being in your heart.

Now, if you wish, I'd like to invite you to bring to mind something in your life right now in general that you are grateful for. A blessing. Allow yourself to feel the goodness of this blessing without feeling guilty or small. Let your heart shine and expand in gratitude as if you are going to drop to the ground and kiss the ground in humility for this goodness, for this grace. And grace is exactly that: you have done nothing to deserve it, and that's okay. Grace visits you, holds you, blesses you just because. So letting the grace of this goodness buoy up your heart, and bowing to this goodness. Letting it go.

Now for the last invitation. I'd like to invite you to perhaps consider something that's a little challenging for you right now in your life. Is there a way that there can be some gratitude for this grace? There's no "should" here. Remember, it's only an invitation. You do not have to accept this last invitation at all. See if there is something in your life that's a little challenging where you can open your heart to it. See the grace, see the beauty in this challenge. Again, there is no "should." See if it happens on its own. Bowing to the grace of this challenge.

I'd like to invite you to bring back your awareness to your body and to your breath. Your feet touching the ground, your legs touching the floor, your hands touching each other or your lap. Your breath moving throughout your body.

Reflections and Q&A

Welcome back. If there are any words or impressions that arise right now, you're all welcome to either unmute yourself and share a word or two, or you can type them in the chat and I will read them out loud.

I'll start by sharing with you what's coming up for me right now in this moment. It is a sense of more ease in my body, in my heart, and in my mind. More settled having sat with you. And also a sense of embracing both the goodness in my life as well as all the challenges with a smile. There is something in them for me to learn and grow through. That's what's coming up for me right now. So I'm happy to open it up for any reflections you'd like to share.

"Settled and grateful." Thank you, Austin. "Ease, acceptance, peaceful, and grounded." Lovely. "Quieting the chaotic vibrations from today." Lovely. "Hopeful." Thank you. "Strength from France on YouTube." "Grief that is welcome to peace." "Grateful breath." "Gratitude for my challenging but unconditionally loving family, and for a job interview tomorrow." Beautiful, they already are. "Contentment for the obvious invisible." Mmm, lovely, thank you. Contentment for the obvious invisible. Lovely, beautiful.

So I'd like to run a poll tonight, actually. Sometimes it's nice to check in to see if people would like to continue staying in the large group for open Q&A, or go into small breakout groups for just a few minutes of personal exchange. You're welcome to vote, please. If you have no preference, please vote for that too, and we'll see what votes come in tonight. [Laughter] 73 percent, 80 percent have voted, keep going. Oh, it's getting very close. If you haven't voted, please vote. This is very exciting, I just want to tell you. Breakout groups has seven so far, large group has nine, no preference has five. And a few people haven't voted yet.

Okay, all right, so I'm going to close the poll. And the large group has it. In fact, I'm going to share the results—just a fun thing about Zoom, you can't do this in real time. So the large group Q&A has it by a couple of people. So tonight we'll stick with that.

But actually, with the understanding that if we're going to stay in the large group, there better be some Q&A! So those of you who voted—the nine of you—some reflections and Q&A. Let's give that a try. Yeah, all right, so take it away. We're going to stay in the big group tonight and just try it out. Reflections, questions, comments, complaints, insights. You can raise your hand or unmute yourself. Especially feel the pressure, the nine of you for the big group! [Laughter]

Participant: I have a question about your thoughts on something. I am not terribly familiar with Buddhism or all of the applications that come along with that, but I recently read something about, in general, the theory that we're all part of a process. We're not actually a specific ego or individual. I think I must be mulling that over subconsciously because my grandfather died about a year ago, and my grandma died just maybe a little bit before that. For some reason, I just think about it a lot. I have had kind of a realization that they were just part of a process. The fact that they've influenced me—even if it's not anything spiritual, even if it's just neurologically, I'm a continuation of that line. I guess I'm kind of curious what Buddhism would have to say about that, or if you have any experience with dealing with death and how people kind of cope with losing someone because they're quite frankly not here in the form that we ever would see them again.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you. There's a lot in your question, so I'm going to do a little bit of a back-and-forth with you for a moment, if that's okay, because there's a lot in what you've asked. To reflect back what I've heard: you started by saying that you're not so familiar with Buddhism, you're starting practicing. Something that you've read about, and I think what you were probably referring to—that we are part of a process—is more that we are a process. This idea that Buddhism teaches is anattā^[2], or not-self. That there is no center, there's no homunculus, there's no solid self in here, but that this is a process that's happening.

I think that's what you were referring to. So that's something that you're reflecting on, dropping that in. What does that even mean that we are a process, and we're part of a process? I love that interpretation of it, because we are a part of a process. This process of humanity. We take ourselves as the center of our own universe, and yet we come and we go. We're part of this wave of humanity. So this is a process in a micro way, and in a macro way, we're also part of a larger process, of course.

That reflection is also very moving for you, trying to sit with it with respect to having lost both of your grandparents recently, whom you were very close to, I take it. You're very affected by losing your grandmother and grandfather, and so grief is happening right now. There is grief and sadness. So the reflection becomes how to hold this being part of this process. As you feel that they are in you—what they taught you, the way they loved you, all those causes and conditions. In Buddhism, everything is a cause and condition. Everything that happened in their world continues through you. All of the process that they were, everything that they did, everything that was their impact, interactions they had with you, and their genetics, everything is affecting you. So you are continuing to live that as part of the conditionality of your being in the world. So there are so many different places I can take that question. Having reflected that back, what would be supportive for you?

Participant: Yeah, I'm not sure. I guess I'm just curious what the Buddhist perspective is on death and how we cope.

Nikki Mirghafori: Great. It's interesting that you bring up this question, especially because mindfulness of death is one of the topics that I teach a lot on. This is one of my keen interests. So I'll share with you the Buddhist party line on death, but it's not something for you to believe, of course. I'll just share with you what it is, and I'll also share with you some of my own reflections.

There is this idea of rebirth in Buddhism. Again, it's not required; one can be a Buddhist or practice meditation without ever considering rebirth. The idea of rebirth is different from reincarnation, by the way. Reincarnation is the idea that this self, this soul, gets reborn and comes back to life. Rebirth is that the karmic potentialities—all the causes and conditions—somehow take a new shape or form. I can talk more about that, but I'm going to pause for a moment and come back to what's actually affecting you right now, which is the impact of grief.

Because you are impacted by grief, those emotions—sadness, grief—are all to be embraced. They're not to be pushed away. The invitation would be to let everything move through you. To let the sadness and the grief move through you. The bigger picture that can help with the grief coming and going is a realization of the great impermanence of our lives. That your grandparents passed away not because it's a mistake, not because it's a problem. We all do. And it's challenging, it's difficult. You miss them, you love them. I miss people I've lost.

Sometimes, if we don't really contemplate or have the perspective of the truth of impermanence—that everything comes and goes, both on a momentary basis and a long-term basis—if we don't really appreciate that, then there can be so much anger and confusion. We think, "It shouldn't be happening." No, it should be happening. That's how it is. That's the truth of life: we come and we go, it's supposed to be this way. And so that allows for the grief to move through with more ease. Not to say there isn't going to be the five stages of grief. According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross^[3], there is going to be anger, there is going to be bargaining, there is going to be all of that. And there needs to be. It's part of healthy grief; it needs to be a part of it. And yet, having a bigger perspective of impermanence allows the grief to move through with more ease.

So that's what I would invite you as you are grieving: to hold the bigger perspective of impermanence, and allow the grief to move through exactly as it is. That bigger perspective of impermanence isn't supposed to squash it, isn't supposed to quiet it, and it's not supposed to say, "Well, okay, stop crying now because everything comes and goes." No, please don't do it that way. It's just a container that says, "Yes, of course, everything's impermanent. We all die, and it's uncertain."

The fact that we actually even come to life, that we even exist, is a gift. It's an incredible, amazing gift that your grandmother and grandfather even existed, that they came to be, was a miracle. The fact that you exist, I exist, we're here having this conversation—this is a miracle. And there will be emotions, and there will be sadness, and all of that. No part left out. Really, no part left out.

Participant: Yeah, thanks for bringing that up.

Nikki Mirghafori: And that was such a rich question that we're at time, 7 o'clock, so I really appreciate you bringing that in. I apologize to everyone else—it's all good. This is the human condition; no apology necessary. We all go through loving and losing. I appreciate the exchange that we had, because if it's not relevant for someone now, it will be in the future, or it has been already. So thank you. And besides, I look and here Nancy already says, "Great question, thanks for asking it." See, you're heartily getting thank-yous in chat.

So with that, I am grateful to all of you. It's my gratitude in this impermanent world, the coming and going, knowing this miracle of being here. I am so grateful that we spent this hour together, practicing together, keeping each other's company in practice, gratitude, settling, calming, and centering. Thank you all for showing up for yourself and for others. May all beings be well. May all beings be free, including us. Thank you, and have a great evening. Take care everyone, good night.