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Happy Hour: Safety and Not-Self

Hello dear sangha. Hello and good evening, good morning, good afternoon; so many time zones you're joining from. It is so lovely to see you and to be with you.

For today's practice, I wanted to bring in the theme of safety more. As we've talked about, safety is one of the metta wishes, and it's so important. The more I practice with safety, think about it, and sit with it, I realize how important it is. And now, with the comment that was made earlier about no-self versus not-self, I'm also inspired to bring that in a little bit, to somehow weave that into our metta practice tonight. Let's see how it goes. You bring all these inspirations into your sangha with this co-creation.

Regarding safety, as you already know, "May you be safe. May you be safe from inner and outer harm. May I be safe," is one of the metta wishes, alongside wishes for happiness, health, and ease—taking care of oneself happily. Sometimes some teachers put safety at the end: we start with happiness, "May you be happy," in the sense that happiness is the most important one, or we're leading with that. And yet, having practiced with the different orders and different variations over the years, it's become clear to me that there is a reason why "May you be safe" or "May I be safe" traditionally is the first phrase. There needs to be a sense of safety. We need to offer ourselves a sense of safety in order for us to be happy and healthy and have ease. Safety is fundamental.

There is research by John Bowlby^[1] regarding attachment theory with young children, showing how safety is so fundamental. Kids develop based on their sense of safety—their psychological development, their sense of autonomy, and so on. That sense of safety is really fundamental for all of us. And we're all grown up—in some ways we are grown up, and in some ways we are still those children who need safety. Offering ourselves safety is so fundamentally important.

So, offering safety to our poor minds. So that when the mind wanders off, or there is fear, or there is sadness, or there is suffering, or anything that comes up, there is a sense of, "Well, okay, stop it now, enough," and offering safety for everything to be cared for with metta. Cared for with metta, with kindness, with warmth.

That is the primary theme. I also felt inspired at the beginning when we had this little exchange about self versus no-self, which is actually not-self^[2]. Because "no-self" is a denying of there being a self, whereas the Buddha never said there is no self. There is a self: you are here, you have an address, you have a profession, you have a body. There is a self, and yet it's not self. It's not personal. It's not about you, it's not about me. There are so many different ways to approach and understand not-self, this impersonality, this ungovernability.

One way to feel into this not-self is that it's impersonal. Yes, it is personal; I am here, there is a self here, this person, this being whom I need to care for, I need to offer safety to. And why do we do this? Why do we cultivate metta? It's not to have a big head, it's not to self-aggrandize. It is about us, and it's also not about us. It's about this being who lives and dies and suffers, to serve both this being and all beings that are interconnected to us.

Maybe that sounds like a koan^[3], like, "What is she talking about?" Don't worry about it. Don't try to think. I'll try to bring these themes in a little bit during the guided meditation. For now, let it go. Let all the words go, and let's just start practicing together. I think I've said enough to set the frame, and whatever you need will be offered to you in the guidance. So let go of thinking, let go of thoughts, and let's just practice together. Let's arrive together.

Guided Meditation

Ah, so arriving. Arriving in this body.

Jiggling. Letting go. Letting go of all the words, of all the thoughts. All the thinking that has come, let go. Not needed in this moment. The seeds have been planted. No need to attach, even to the dharma.

Ah, release. Release. Turning the awareness inward. First land. First to arrive in this body, feeling our feet on the earth, on the floor. Connected. Well rooted. I am here.

Just as the Buddha touched the earth—the earth mudra^[4]—we touch the earth with our feet, the floor in lieu of the earth. I am here. Ah. This being who is me, I am here. May earth be my witness.

Landing. Releasing any holding, tightness in the muscles in the forehead. Letting the eyes rest in their sockets. Releasing the jaw, the chin. Muscles behind the ears.

Can we offer safety? Offer safety to the muscles of the face: Oh, dear muscles, you don't have to do anything. You can release, you can relax.

Dear muscles, it's okay. You have worked hard enough. It's okay.

Offering safety. Internal safety to our neck and shoulders, to our arms and hands. It's okay. You don't have to be vigilant. You can relax in this moment. It's okay. It's okay. Taking refuge, and just releasing.

Inviting your heart, the proverbial heart center, home of emotions, to feel safe and relax. Sweetheart, dear heart, dear heart, it's okay. You can be just as you are. Nothing is expected of you any differently than what already is.

Embracing with loving awareness the lower abdomen. Oh, dear abdomen, it's okay. No judgment, no holding. You're safe to just be. To just receive the breath, as you already are, doing nothing extra.

And oh, dear sit bones. Yes, supporting, supporting the upper body. Yes, dear sit bones, you can relax. Feel safe to give your weight. Ah, release your weight, the tightness. Release your weight onto the earth. You can drop any holding.

And so too, bringing awareness to the groin area, to the upper legs, knees, lower legs, and feet. They can be just as they are. Releasing tightness, tension. This body can be just as it is. Whether there is discomfort, it's okay. Dear body, you are loved just as you are. It's okay, you don't have to be any other way.

If you need to move and shift, that's okay too. Do it lovingly, mindfully, caringly for this body. This body that is mine, and not entirely mine. I don't control all of its functioning. It's as if I'm the guardian of this amazing, amazing piece of mystery entrusted to me.

Letting the breath be received. Nothing more needed. Letting the breath be received entirely on the in-breath, the entirety of the out-breath. It is like a soft blanket. The breath coming in, permeating throughout the body. Holding, wrapping each cell, each cell of the body. Offering safety, offering goodwill. There's nothing you have to do. Just letting yourself be breathed.

And the expansiveness. Expansiveness of this moment, this breath. The possibilities for safety, ease, offered to your body, to your heart, to your mind. It's okay.

And if judgments arise internally or externally—I can't do this, I'm distracted, I'm sleepy, I don't know what I'm doing—let the judgments feel safe. The mansion of your heart can be spacious. A place of safety, a refuge for everything to be. See what happens if you don't push things away as bad or wrong. Just let them be. Be a friend to yourself. Be a friend to whatever arises in the body, mind, and heart. Be a friend to the breath, sensations of the body no matter how difficult. Friendly to the thoughts, whatever they may be. Offering safety. Offering safety.

Just this moment, your heart a safe space for yourself.

The phrases are helpful. You can use phrases: May I be safe. For myself, may I offer safety to my heart, to my body, to my mind. May I be a safe refuge. May I be a refuge. May I serve as a refuge. Or, I offer myself safety. Or simply, It's okay. It's okay, whatever arises. It's okay. You're safe, dear thought.

See if offering the space of safety, especially if judgments become disarmed if you smile at them. Not believing the judgments. What if you didn't believe the judgments? The arrows that are thrown, what if you didn't believe them? And you smiled. It happened like it happened for the Buddha; the arrows would turn to flowers before they land.

It is said that the night of the Buddha's enlightenment, Mara threw so many arrows, arrows of doubt at the Buddha. But so much metta, the sense of safety, ease, that they got transformed to flowers before they landed. The doubts, the slings and arrows of our minds, met with a smile, met with safety, transformed. Yes. Yes.

Trusting in our Buddha nature. Yes, possible for me, here and now.

This is wrapped in a blanket, every cell of the body. Every thought, the whole body wrapped in the blanket of safety. It's okay, it's okay. You can relax, you can rest.

I'd like to invite you to try something on if you wish. Trying on a perspective for a split second perhaps, if you wish, as an experiment. What if this universe is inherently safe, above and beyond our imagination, in ways we can't fathom? That it is inherently safe, living is safe, that dying is perfectly safe. What if this offering of safety isn't about us doing or giving? It just is. It's the way things are.

Through this practice, we're acknowledging the dharma with a small d—the way things are. Reminding ourselves of something we deeply know. Our heart, our Buddha nature deeply knows that it is safe. It has always been and always will be. Through this formal practice, we are just reminding ourselves of something we once knew.

That fear is perhaps just like what is in the dream. When you wake up from a dream, "Oh, it's perfectly safe, you're not dreaming anymore." Fear has no foothold as it is safe. This impersonal, both personal and impersonal self, is held in complete safety.

And for the last moments of this practice period, however it was—sleepy, distracted, confused—it's all okay. Offering safety to yourself for however it was, no judgment. Just appreciation. You showed up, you've planted seeds. Trusting that they will flower in ways you cannot fathom. Don't limit yourself. Thank you, me, for showing up.

Just showing up and offering even a second of safety. May all beings, in ways I can't imagine, may all beings including myself benefit from the goodness of my heart, the goodness of my being. Trusting, trusting in the goodness. May all beings be safe. May all beings be free, including myself.

Thank you all. Thank you for your practice.

Reflections and Q&A

So in this practice, the invitation was to explore safety, this basic tilling of the soil for love, for metta, for care, for happiness for ourselves and for others. And then, inspired by the comment at the beginning of the hour by Neil about not-self, I also brought the aspect of not-self and the invitation of dimensions of safety which are not typically what we think of. And again, it was an invitation for you to try a perspective, maybe for just a second. Maybe something would open up, and if it didn't, no problem. Let it go, all good. Planting seeds.

So I'd like to open the floor for reflections, for questions, for comments in the spirit of sharing for the benefit of the sangha. What you observed, maybe something opened up for you, or something was challenging.

Violet, I see your hand is up.

Violet: Hi, I had a whole journey. I don't know if I'll be able to articulate what I'm trying to say. I have this view I've been working with that pain is unsafe, that there's something unsafe about pain. And today, as I was trying to offer myself safety, there was pain in my body, there was pain in my mind, but there was safety in my awareness. So that's where the safety was found. So then I was like, "Okay, what's the nature of my awareness? Can I see what that is like, so I can hold on to it when there's painful stuff going on?" But it felt very far away from me, like it felt like this bubble that was 10 miles away from me and it didn't feel very close. So I tried to bring the awareness inside, like, "Okay, what if the awareness is inside my body next to the pain?" And then almost immediately after I started working with that, you said something about the blanket is in your cells. I was like, "Oh yeah," I tried to keep it in my body. And then when you said this idea that the universe is inherently safe, then again, that's challenging this view that pain is unsafe because the universe is painful. But then you're saying that in some ways pain is safe. So I'm still working with that, but that's some of what I experienced.

Nikki: Beautiful. Thank you, Violet. Thank you so much for sharing. I am so touched. I love the way that for you, one way you worked with it skillfully is what came up for you with awareness. Awareness imbued with safety, how profound and beautiful! Because whatever awareness is aware of is okay, this is safe. "Oh, pain, awareness is aware of it. Oh yes." It's just a beautiful way. And I have full trust that what you just described in this way of working will continue to open up for you. I have trust for you. This is beautiful, this is profound what you described. Thank you.

Jerry says, "I found the issue of finding safety in death profound." Yeah, thank you, Jerry. In that quote, I'd like to give credit to Stephen Levine^[5]. This is something that he has said and I was quite impacted by it, that death is completely safe. I forget, I might be paraphrasing, but something about death is completely safe, and I just love the way that he says it. So yeah, thank you for that.

Someone asked, "Could you spell the name of the universal sound you spoke about on October 25th?" It is Nada sound^[6]. N-A-D-A, nada, as in nothing, zero.

Any other reflections? We have a few more minutes, you can raise your hand or you can type in chat if you wish. And if you type to me personally, I will only read the reflection, not your name, so it's private. And if you type to the whole group, then I will read your name.

Don, I see your hand. Please.

Don: Well, thank you so much. It was a very interesting meditation. I confess that—and I don't want to feel like I'm going to be a wet blanket—but saying everything is safe took away the meaning of safe. For me anyway, it became sort of a meaningless concept to say everything is safe. I think like, "Well, maybe matter is never destroyed, and sort of in that sense I'm always going to be around in some form, and so I'm sort of safe." But anyway, I sort of got lost why, I confess.

Nikki: I hear that, and confessing is completely safe, Don! You are completely safe to confess that it wasn't tangible, it kind of became heady I'm hearing, and it's perfectly fine. You know, that invocation, that invitation may not be the appropriate one and the right one for you right now in this way, and it's perfectly okay. It's not needed, and that's the invitation that I was really trying to say: hey, if it's not working, don't spin out. Just let it go, there's plenty here already to feast on. And yet, some seed has been planted. Instead of arguing with yourself and saying, "This doesn't work," let it go. Just don't get into the argument, please, and trust that something might open up at some point into a different way of seeing, an insight. And if not, that's okay too. It's all good. There are so many paths to the temple. So many different paths, this is not the only one. Thank you, Don, for that beautiful confession. Thank you. It's safe for everything, like, "This didn't work. What the heck do you mean by everything?" It's like, "What does that even mean?" That's okay too.

So, dear ones, how about we turn at this point, as we do at this time, to practice in small groups. Offering each other safety, offering ourselves safety. And it's so beautiful to practice in this small sangha size of three. The invitation is to start with 15 seconds of silent metta for each other. And then you can share as much or as little as you wish about your practice. And again, offer safety please to yourself and to others. Take care of yourself, take care of each other, and see what needs to be held witness, what needs to be said, what doesn't want to be said. It's all okay. Here we go, I'm opening the rooms. Take care.

[Breakout Rooms]

Okay, welcome back everyone. The rooms are closed. We've got a couple minutes for reflections, if any. So feel free to raise your hand or type in chat. And while I wait for your hands to go up, especially if you haven't shared in a while, if you have, please pull back to allow people who haven't to pull forward as a way of taking care of the community.

As I wait for you, I'll say one thing more about this invocation towards the end of everything being safe. It is actually from the perspective of the enlightened. From the awakened perspective, there's ultimate safety, and that is the invitation that I was trying to bring in, to see for a split second that perspective could make sense. And maybe it can't at this point. And sometimes it can drop in; something can open up when the mind is ready with these invitations, with these invocations, something can open up profoundly. So that was my hope, even if it jiggled something, and if it didn't, don't worry about it, it didn't work.

Barbara, please.

Barbara: I had my breakout mate, if I may say... talk about visiting people in a family in Arizona, I think it was, where he was so surprised to see people—

Nikki: I'm just going to pause, actually, before you talk about that. I just want to make sure it's okay with your partner for you to be talking about what they shared.

Barbara: Oh, okay. Maybe he should share it.

Nikki: Yeah, if they want to. Maybe that's more appropriate, thank you. Pausing for a moment. Yeah, if that person wants to raise their hand, they're welcome to. If not, somebody else. Yeah, thank you, Barbara. I think it's a way of offering safety to each other, to speak from... you know what, I trust that whatever they shared really touched you, and yet since it was in the small group, we'll respect that.

And Wayne.

Wayne: I just want to share, for people that maybe read about it or something, but how in schools—especially public schools—are having kind of a crisis with the lack of support people, and teachers and everything, and substitutes. And I can see why it saddens me. You know, I work in probably the wealthiest middle school in the district that I'm in, and I work in, and I can see why safety is first. Because there's just so many... it's like a boiling pot where at any minute it could explode.

Nikki: Yeah, thank you Wayne. Knowing that you're a teacher and you deal with a lot of kids, yeah, safety being very important. And now also David on YouTube said, "It is John Bowlby and the attachment theory." So yeah, safety is definitely very important.

Last reflection, I'm going to read it and then we'll close. Carmen says, "This meditation definitely gave me a thought to think of what makes me feel safe and what doesn't, and breathing is definitely an anchor to help me find out." Beautiful! Breathing as an anchor to find out what makes you feel safe and what doesn't. Yay! What an important note to end on. And similar to what Violet brought in with awareness, with safety being imbued with awareness, with knowing, with Sati^[7]. Lovely.

Thank you all. Thank you for your practice, profound shares. May you all be safe, happy, and well. May our practice serve us and the world. Thanks everyone.